Thoughts of a parent........

A father worried about his son's safe return calms himself by jotting down his thoughts.

 

"It's early in the morning, I have had at least three big mugs of coffee....I feel all jittery. My nerves are on edge, I can't think straight and it feels like I've got ants under my skin. I really shouldn't have lost my temper with Justin, seems like all we do nowadays is argue. I would never have spoken to my dad the way he speaks to me.......it's like he has no respect for me, and it hurts.

I keep looking at the phone hoping he will call or text and let me know he is alright. I tried to watch a movie but couldn't focus...the coffee probably haven't helped....but I'm trying to stay alert in case he phones and needs my help. Sheeesh, where did I put that packet of smokes for emergencies?

I keep going over the conversation we had before he took off in my mind......what does he mean with "You never listen!"? Sure I do. Hmmmm....I just remembered when I said the same thing to my father. Maybe this is just something that is part of growing up....

I guess I didn't feel understood by my father either.

Hang on, I can hear a car.....nah, just the neighbour. Is it to much to ask that he just sends a text to say he is okay? I mean, how long would that take really? Perhaps he is right, perhaps I don't listen?

Sometimes it seems as if kids think parents have never been young, like we skipped from being children to being parents.......

Hmmm...it is helping a bit writing this...better out than in I guess...now where was I?

It's that girlfriend of his making him crazy. Just because she comes from a dysfunctional and chaotic home, why does she have to inflict her skewed views on Justin?

He was never this disrespectful toward me and his mother before he started to go out with her.

Now it's like nothing is as important as her. Wait a minute, what was the name of that girl that used to drive me crazy during my last year of high school? Bianca. That was it, Bianca,...she was as beautiful as her name. My folks didn't like her either, they thought she was bad news. Granted, she had a different upbringing to me; she spoke fluent French, she ate strange food that smelled of garlic, but she was everything to me regardless of my folks views. She was a hippie, and my family was seriously middle class. Thinking back on it, I used to have lots of arguments about her with dad.

Think I stormed out of the house a few times too, dismayed with my folks inability to understand how special Bianca was....

I just got a text message...not from Justin mind.....from Vodaphone telling me to recharge....at this time!?

It is so quiet in the house that I can hear my heart beating. Way too fast.....no more coffee.

This worrying thing is scary.....I don't want to worry, but I can't stop, all I can do is distract myself a few minutes at the time. My throat feels dry.... Right, time for some deep breathing, it is supposed to be calming.

It helped a bit. I still feel angry though. I keep swinging between feeling angry and scared.

I have images flash before me of Justin in his car wrapped around a tree, the next minute of him as a boy shooting hoops. Man, being a parent is hard, I mean, they grow up but somehow they still remain little kids at the same time. Huh, it just dawned on me that my parents probably feel the same way about me......Light bulb moment.

Okay, so it's 3:30 am, and still no word. Right, time for bargaining...if there is a God, please keep my boy safe...I promise I will learn to be a better listener.

I am going to try his mobile now.....I'm not angry anymore, I just want Justin to be safe.

He will probably get angry with me, but I don't care, I just want to know that he is okay."

The worried father calls his son and finds out that he is at his girlfriends place. Everything is okay, they just fell asleep while they were watching a movie.

We are all someone's child...no matter how young or old we are.

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children", writes Mignon McLaughlin. Being a parent does not come with an instruction manual, many of us have to learn as we go along. Parents make mistakes, fumble, use the "wrong" words, misunderstand, etc....basically do the things most people do whether they have children or not.

There is a saying : "A child is father of the man and child is father to the man."

I would like to add to that: "A child is mother of the woman and child is mother to the woman."

(Our personalities mostly form when we are children, and we often keep those qualities when we become adults.) Once we become parents it can be helpful to remind ourselves of how we experienced life through the different life-stages, and as children(of parents) it can be equally helpful to remember that our parents were also once children, teenagers, budding adults, and so on.

I worry at times about my son's safety and happiness, but so do my parents about mine, as did theirs about them.

"We never know the love of a parent till we become parents ourselves"
(Henry Ward Beecher)

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom," writes Victor Frankl.

This, in my humble opinion, probably applies to us all...as children, as teenagers, as budding adults, as adults, as parents, as grand parents ........

If you feel that your parents worry too much, may I suggest considering choosing kindness and patience as your first response,

If you as a parent worry about your children, may I suggest considering choosing kindness and patient listening as your first response.