"I know my rights! The problem with a sense of entitlement.........

(this is a painting of my son's friend Zac, although for some it is the Nazarene)

 

Have you ever heard someone say: "I know my rights, I have the right to...., it's my right to..." et cetera? Personally I have heard it voiced many times and it made me consider what "rights" this may refer to.

This is what some say a "right" is: "an entitlement associated with a moral or social principle, such that an "entitlement" is a provision made in accordance with a legal framework of a society."

Typically, entitlements are based on concepts of social equality or enfranchisement's.

On a more personal level, the term "entitlement" often refers to a belief (notion) that one has a right to a certain benefit/reward  regardless of the presence or not of a legal or principled cause. (A "sense of entitlement")

If we are all entitled are we all also responsible?

Do we feel that others are just as entitled as we are to be treated decently, to be respected, to have access to good medical care, to be able to study, to be able to live peacefully, and so on?

Or are some of us more entitled than others?

How do we learn about responsibility and entitlements?

According to some research, we learn to be responsible, or feel entitled, according to what we are rewarded for; the consequences of our behaviour so to speak.

Example: If I am entitled to "free speech" does that mean I do not have to consider how speaking my mind may affects others? A child who grows up with a great sense of entitlement may conclude that the parents owe him/her the desires of his/her heart, unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, support, and so on... and all he/she is responsible for is to just "be",.... "Hey, I didn't ask to be born so why should I be responsible for anything,...you owe me what I need and want."

Perhaps expectation and reciprocity may factor in to the equation of entitlement?

"I treat people with respect so I should be treated with respect in return", "I was there for you when you needed me, so you have to be there for me when I need you", "I am a loyal friend, so you have to be loyal to me", "I do the same job as you, so I should be paid the same", and so on.

This probably seems fair to most of us, but what if what you consider to be "respectful behaviour" is viewed differently by the other?

What if your sense of loyalty differs from your friend?

When it comes to the aspects of legal entitlements, there are clear boundaries but when dealing with emotions, mindsets, belief systems, etc. it is much more complex.

"In the olden days, one started with a broom and worked ones way up...today's generation wants to start at the top."

"In my days you only got a prize when you won, nowadays the kids get one just for showing up."

"Back in the days, young people used to respect their elders, now they barely say hello."

Or.....

"Why, I finished school so I deserve a reward, like a car or something."

"Just because my folks started at the bottom don't mean I have to."

"Get with the technology, things are different now."

Lets look at the word "entitlement" again......

Merriam and Webster: the condition of having a right to have, do, or get something,

 the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something (such as special privileges).



The Urban dictionary: someone who thinks something is owed to them by life in general; or because they are who they are.

If we are owed, who owes us?

Life owes us?

Hmm.......

If "life" owes us something, does that mean us as in mankind or us individually?

As beings, scratching out a living on the thin crust of a planet hanging in the vast universe, I wonder if perhaps we should give "entitlement" the boot (except for as a legal concept)?

I mean, we didn't make the planet, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the amazing fauna and flora that surrounds us, the sun, the moon, the stars, and the list goes on.

Perhaps instead of feeling entitled, we may consider entertaining the notion of feeling responsible... and why not throw in a bit of grateful as well......

“Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” (Charles Dickens)

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can be grateful that thorn bushes have roses.”

(Tom Wilson) 

Thoughts of a parent........

A father worried about his son's safe return calms himself by jotting down his thoughts.

 

"It's early in the morning, I have had at least three big mugs of coffee....I feel all jittery. My nerves are on edge, I can't think straight and it feels like I've got ants under my skin. I really shouldn't have lost my temper with Justin, seems like all we do nowadays is argue. I would never have spoken to my dad the way he speaks to me.......it's like he has no respect for me, and it hurts.

I keep looking at the phone hoping he will call or text and let me know he is alright. I tried to watch a movie but couldn't focus...the coffee probably haven't helped....but I'm trying to stay alert in case he phones and needs my help. Sheeesh, where did I put that packet of smokes for emergencies?

I keep going over the conversation we had before he took off in my mind......what does he mean with "You never listen!"? Sure I do. Hmmmm....I just remembered when I said the same thing to my father. Maybe this is just something that is part of growing up....

I guess I didn't feel understood by my father either.

Hang on, I can hear a car.....nah, just the neighbour. Is it to much to ask that he just sends a text to say he is okay? I mean, how long would that take really? Perhaps he is right, perhaps I don't listen?

Sometimes it seems as if kids think parents have never been young, like we skipped from being children to being parents.......

Hmmm...it is helping a bit writing this...better out than in I guess...now where was I?

It's that girlfriend of his making him crazy. Just because she comes from a dysfunctional and chaotic home, why does she have to inflict her skewed views on Justin?

He was never this disrespectful toward me and his mother before he started to go out with her.

Now it's like nothing is as important as her. Wait a minute, what was the name of that girl that used to drive me crazy during my last year of high school? Bianca. That was it, Bianca,...she was as beautiful as her name. My folks didn't like her either, they thought she was bad news. Granted, she had a different upbringing to me; she spoke fluent French, she ate strange food that smelled of garlic, but she was everything to me regardless of my folks views. She was a hippie, and my family was seriously middle class. Thinking back on it, I used to have lots of arguments about her with dad.

Think I stormed out of the house a few times too, dismayed with my folks inability to understand how special Bianca was....

I just got a text message...not from Justin mind.....from Vodaphone telling me to recharge....at this time!?

It is so quiet in the house that I can hear my heart beating. Way too fast.....no more coffee.

This worrying thing is scary.....I don't want to worry, but I can't stop, all I can do is distract myself a few minutes at the time. My throat feels dry.... Right, time for some deep breathing, it is supposed to be calming.

It helped a bit. I still feel angry though. I keep swinging between feeling angry and scared.

I have images flash before me of Justin in his car wrapped around a tree, the next minute of him as a boy shooting hoops. Man, being a parent is hard, I mean, they grow up but somehow they still remain little kids at the same time. Huh, it just dawned on me that my parents probably feel the same way about me......Light bulb moment.

Okay, so it's 3:30 am, and still no word. Right, time for bargaining...if there is a God, please keep my boy safe...I promise I will learn to be a better listener.

I am going to try his mobile now.....I'm not angry anymore, I just want Justin to be safe.

He will probably get angry with me, but I don't care, I just want to know that he is okay."

The worried father calls his son and finds out that he is at his girlfriends place. Everything is okay, they just fell asleep while they were watching a movie.

We are all someone's child...no matter how young or old we are.

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children", writes Mignon McLaughlin. Being a parent does not come with an instruction manual, many of us have to learn as we go along. Parents make mistakes, fumble, use the "wrong" words, misunderstand, etc....basically do the things most people do whether they have children or not.

There is a saying : "A child is father of the man and child is father to the man."

I would like to add to that: "A child is mother of the woman and child is mother to the woman."

(Our personalities mostly form when we are children, and we often keep those qualities when we become adults.) Once we become parents it can be helpful to remind ourselves of how we experienced life through the different life-stages, and as children(of parents) it can be equally helpful to remember that our parents were also once children, teenagers, budding adults, and so on.

I worry at times about my son's safety and happiness, but so do my parents about mine, as did theirs about them.

"We never know the love of a parent till we become parents ourselves"
(Henry Ward Beecher)

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom," writes Victor Frankl.

This, in my humble opinion, probably applies to us all...as children, as teenagers, as budding adults, as adults, as parents, as grand parents ........

If you feel that your parents worry too much, may I suggest considering choosing kindness and patience as your first response,

If you as a parent worry about your children, may I suggest considering choosing kindness and patient listening as your first response.

 



Realise your potential; do an emotional stock take

"Now close your eyes and just listen to my voice," said the counsellor.

Jossie closed his eyes and exhaled.

"At this point", continued the counsellor, "it's going to be important that you manage to create a virtual image in your mind".

Jossie closed his eyes tighter and took another breath while muttering to himself, "Sheeesh, I get it, it's important".

"Okay, Jossie?" asked the counsellor.

"Uhu", Jossie replied.

"Imagine an old shop with wooden framed shop windows, a rustic door, and a weather worn sign saying "Gifts".

"Can you see it Jossie?" continued the counsellor.

"Yes, I can see it", answered Jossie.

"Now, open the door and enter...there is wooden shelving up and down the walls. Every space in the shop is covered with shelves except for a big painting of two ballet dancers with their backs turned, hanging slightly eschewed in the only shelf less space in the shop". 

"Can you see it Jossie?"

"Uhu, yeah, I see it."

"Right, now what we are going to do is a stock take."

Jossie opened his eyes and looked at Bill (the counsellor) bewildered.

"How Bill, can I do a stock take when there's nothing in the shop?

"You are going to put in the stock Jossie."

"What stock?", Jossie asked exasperatedly.

"Close your eyes again Jossie and let's carry on," Bill said calmly.

"Are you back in the shop?"

"Yeah, Bill, I am," replied Jossie.

"Now visualize a door at the back of the shop with a sign saying "Storage Room", open the door and in there you find a lot of empty boxes. You are going to fill and label them."

"Okay, got it Bill."

"Here is your first label, on it is written "Regrets".

Jossie imagined receiving the label and sticking it on one of the empty boxes.

"What will you put in the box Jossie?"

Jossie thought for a moment and then he answered: "Not travelling, not standing up to my father, not pursuing my interest in music, not sticking up for the kids that were bullied at school, not spending more time with my brother, not being there for some of my friends when they needed me, and so on Bill...the list is long."

Second label: "Anger". "This one is easy Bill, I have a short temper and seem to get angry with much; I get angry with slow drivers, with the government, the politicians, the economy, the prices of everything, the young generations, todays music, people cutting in line, bad workmanship...the box full yet?"

Third label: "Bitterness/Resentment". Jossie took a deep breath then said; my folks never supported my interest in music, I was passed over for a promotion promised to me, my siblings made fun of my size, my best friend pursued my ex-girlfriend after we broke up, my mother laughed at me when I asked what it's like to be a woman, and when I was heartbroken when my dog died, the whole family called me soft."

Fourth label: "Loss". "This one is difficult, take your time Jossie," said Bill.

Jossie swallowed and then continued; I lost my dog Scampi, my first girlfriend committed suicide, my grand-father whom I loved very much, was run over and killed by a drunk driver, one of my closest friends died from an overdose, my youngest sister got cancer and died very young, and last year I lost my job, a job that was very important to me."

After the last word was spoken, both men stayed quiet until Bill said "Thanks Jossie, I realise that to do this must have been tough for you, but lets move on to the next label.

Fifth label: "Joys". "What can you put in the box of Joys, Jossie?" Jossie sat up straight and a smile fluttered across his face. "The smell of freshly cut grass in summer, listening to good music, watching a good movie, being with friends, having a nice meal with my beloved, clear blue water, laughing, swimming, good coffee, good food, Christmas lunch with the whole family, the list is very long Bill, I am happy to say."

Sixth label: "Hopes". Jossie sat quiet for a second, then continued: "To play the piano, to learn a new language, to help my younger brother get over his divorce, to find a fulfilling job, to always be supporting to my beloved, to have kids one day, to become more understanding and compassionate, to do something good for others, to mention a few."

Seventh label: "All things new". Jossie moved his head to face Bill with eyes still shut. "What does this mean?" he asked.

"In this box you can put all the new things you desire," Bill responded.

"Okay then, in that case: new insights, new experiences, new friends, renewed relationships with old friends, new discoveries, new hopes, new joys, new ways of seeing things," Jossie replied.

"Before you open your eyes, I would like you to put the seven labelled boxes on the shelves in the shop, can you do that Jossie?"

Jossie visualised putting the boxes on the shelves then opened his eyes.

"Every now and then it can be good to do an "emotional stock take", said Bill. Imagine if you will that we all have a small "shop" within. On the shelves are boxes containing a variety of items, and by that I mean, emotions. When a stock take is performed the "items" that don't sell usually gets discontinued, and for those that work well, a new order is made. At times it can be beneficial to open our "boxes" and find out whether we benefit from keeping the items (emotions) or if they are just crowding the space. Perhaps we may even need new boxes, with new labels? Now when you have visited "the shop" Jossie, do you feel or believe that a "stock take" may be a good thing?" Bill asked.

"Well, you've certainly given me something to ponder Bill, just one question, can an "emotional stocktake" be likened to a garage clean-up? I mean, I have boxes of stuff in my garage, ...some stand untouched for years, other boxes with stuff I don't have a need for anymore I usually throw out, but some stuff, seems to always come in handy, I mean, that stuff don't even get to be put in a box...that sort of thing?"

"Basically yes, Jossie, however you see it........as long as it makes sense to you." said Bill. 

 

Most of us have a number of "labels" attached to ourselves, some we are conscious of and others not, but if we perform a "stock take" every now and then, we may be able to remove a few hurtful ones and replace them with positive, encouraging ones. Our potential is often much greater than we believe or think it is.

                         "With realisation of one's own potential and self-confidence

                             in one's ability, one can build a better world."

    (Dalai Lama)

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"

(Anne Frank)

Expectations: friend or foe?

 

(In this painting I have used the American flag as a background, but it could have been any flag. The reason I have used this flag is because I am an artist and as a graphic design I find the design very striking.)

 

Have you ever heard of the "nocebo effect"?

Until a few days ago, I had never heard the term so I decided to investigate.

So what is it? Basically if one expects a bad response, then that's what one will get, just like a placebo does the opposite. Thing is, they are both psychogenic so the reactions will mirror one's expectations.

Example: Someone tells you you just ate "bad" prawn, and for many of us, instantly the tummy starts to feel somewhat wobbly. You have a headache, your friend gives you a pill and tells you it will fix you. Which it does until your friend tells you that she accidentally gave you a vitamin B tablet.(!!)

Howard Spiro, M.D. writes in his book "The Power of Hope" " his account of the many positive effects he has seen with patients given placebos.

Now, if people can get well with the help of placebos, then what about nocebos?

If we are bombarded with "bad" news/information 24/7, could such not be classified as nocebos?

If we expect things to go badly, to have a negative outcome, will we be able to see any other result?

When we are children, we often learn to protect ourselves against emotionally or environmentally painful developments by denying them; we simply decide to view things the way we want them to be.

Which may work while we are children but as we mature, our experiences necessitates a greater understanding and an integration of the events that takes place in our reality.

The more I looked in to the subject of expectations, the more it seemed as if expectations invokes "the judge" and "jury" on how we feel about our lives, ourselves, others, and the world we inhabit. So where do expectations come from?

A few suggestions: from our families, our society, culture, relationships, media, our religious beliefs, etc. and how they were (are) met or not met. Many of our expectations are based on approval from others, respect, attention, validation, inclusion, love, being taken seriously, and so on. If these expectations were not met as we grew up, our unmet expectations may keep affecting us until we can identify what those are. Without being aware of it, these unmet expectations may become our "nocebos". If we except the worst to happen and then it does, we may feel good about being right (most of us seem to have a need to be right) for a minute or two, but that feeling will often quickly be replaced by a feeling of disappointment. At times our expectations are so ingrown that we may forget to question whether they are realistic or reasonable, for example; "all drivers should obey traffic rules" (in reality all drivers don't), "people should be honest" (people have different approaches and definitions of honesty), "punctuality should be adhered to" (although sometimes unexpected things happens), and so on.

I have found that the words "should" and "ought to", often are signposts to when there are expectations involved.

Just for a moment, take time out and ask yourself how often you use the phrase: people should, parents should, bosses should, politicians, doctors, teachers, etc.etc..... should.

If you use it a lot, chances are you have a lot of expectations but whether they are realistic and/or reasonable,..... may be worth some consideration.

Same goes for our personal expectations; how often do we tell ourselves we should this or that?

Are our expectations of ourselves reasonable and/or realistic?

Expectations however, can be changed, ...... as long as we are aware of them.

 

 

"If you paint in your mind a picture of bright and happy expectations, you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal."

                                                              (Norman Vincent Peal)

"Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations."

                                                                (Earl Nightingale)
"Whatever happens in the world is real, what one thinks should have happened is projection. We suffer more from our fictitious illusion and expectations of reality." (Jacque Fresco)