The minute he/she said it, he/she realised that he/she had become his/her father. As he was telling his younger brother to shape up, he shuddered with the insight that he had become his older, bullying brother.
We are born genetically unique individuals, but the environment in which we grew up, keep on affecting us. What we experienced as children, we have internalised. In difficult situations of stress and pressure, we may suddenly find ourselves responding with primal feelings, feelings from our childhood, feelings we may have considered to have been long gone and buried.
How we see ourselves in the present is often based on projections from old feelings from our childhood interactions.
Now let me introduce you to todays topic: Differentiation.
A definition: Differentiation: a discrimination between things as different and distinct. To become ones own person - to differentiate and separate oneself from others.
Where do "I" begin, how am I separate from my parents/caretakers, when does or did the separation take place? According to some, the differentiation process occurs as life-span development and is concomitant with individuation.
(Individuation: the process by which individuals become differentiated from another, the development of the individual) This process does not necessarily automatically occur with age, often many of us never get beyond the earliest stages, and even fewer of us end up having finely tuned integrated psychological functions.
Becoming an adult, a fully differentiated human being, may I suggest means pursuing ones own goals, standing steadfast on ones own two feet, being able to self-soothe, to make decisions based on ones own convictions and values.
Being an authentic differentiated, adult, may include sparring with ones own culture. To become a differentiated human being, the first step is to learn how to separate feelings from thought ie; the Differentiation of the Self. Undifferentiated people often have problems separating their own feelings from others, their thoughts from their feelings, and they look to their family to define and interpret their experiences.
"Dad, I don't know how to deal with this, what should I do?"......."Mum, am I raising my kids the right way?"
"I am so confused, what's wrong with me, mum and dad?"
To break our dependency while maintaining closeness, to stay emotionally connected yet pursuing our own values and opinions, we need to differentiate. "I realise dad, that you love Country music, but I prefer Jazz fusion." "I know you like to cook the turkey this way mum, but I have a recipe that I love, can we try it?"
As I am writing this I am reminded that I am still far from differentiated. I still feel hurt if my family don't like the music I compose, the paintings I paint, or the words I write, or worse still....are indifferent to it all. Being emotionally connected yet individuated, certain of ones own opinions yet simultaneously respectful of others, having a firm adherence to ones values yet also regardful of someone else's, being an individual yet part of a collective (family), someones child yet an adult; described like this,... being differentiated may seem a tall order.
According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, self-actualisation is very important for all humans. Self-actualising people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others, and interested in fulfilling their potential.
Perhaps not all of us seek such, perhaps some of us are happy with who and what we are, but in case you are not one of them, please read on......
Perhaps you desire to be your own being, strong and steadfast, differentiated from your family, connected but not dependent, if so, let me offer a few suggestions:
Operate according to your own personal values and goals, even under pressure not to.
Learn to attend to your own emotional life, anxieties and pressures, relying on your own inner strength first and foremost.
Refrain from over-reacting, but do face difficult situations/people.
Develop tenacity and resilience through dealing with, rather than running from obstacles, failures or disappointments.
I have a son, and due to the harsh economical climate, he has had to move back in with me. Having an adult "child" living at home, poses many difficulties and one of those is understanding boundaries. Fortunately for me, my son is helping me to understand their importance. Perhaps it is acceptable for a parent to tidy the offspring's room without asking for permission when he/she is under 13 years old, but what about when he/she is 28?
How about doing said offspring's washing without asking first? Entering the room without knocking? Asking questions such as: "where are you going, when will you be back, who are you going with?"
Or starting sentences with: "What you need to do, what you should do..." although the offspring did not ask for advice.
Independence is hard to achieve for a child while the parent is still hanging on to the "handlebars", and so is differentiation both for parent and adult "child" if the interaction remains stuck in "I'm-the-parent-you're-the-child" mode. At some point, the parent need to let go of the caretaker role, and become "another".
All of us have a division within ourselves in which we have internalised the point of view of our parents/caretakers. The way we perceive ourselves today, in the things we do, or closest relationships, is often based on projections from feelings from childhood interactions. To move forward we need to become aware of those feelings, to gain insight into how those affect us, to become aware of inner critical thoughts.
My son challenged my view of boundaries which in turn lead me to think deeply about my own experiences with boundaries as a child. What were they? What are my boundaries today?
How old does a child have to be for the parent/caretaker to take the offspring's requests for privacy, individuality, expression, etc.etc.......to be taken seriously? At what age should a parent let go of the "handlebars", let the child ride the bike on his own, stand back and just be ready with the Band-Aid? At what age would it be good for a parent to stop offering unsolicited advise? When would be a good time to exchange "It is not realistic" for "let me know if I can help"?
If one wants to live life fully, and not merely living the life of another, remaining undifferentiated will not work.
If you feel that you are not living your own life, becoming differentiated may well help you find it. The quest begins NOW, regardless of your age.
If I may, here are some more suggestions that may assist in your quest, and this applies whether you are a parent or a child or both.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." (E.E.Cummings)
"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." (Nora Ephron)
Perhaps you desire to be your own being, strong and steadfast, differentiated from your family, connected but not dependent, if so, let me offer a few suggestions:
Operate according to your own personal values and goals, even under pressure not to.
Learn to attend to your own emotional life, anxieties and pressures, relying on your own inner strength first and foremost.
Refrain from over-reacting, but do face difficult situations/people.
Develop tenacity and resilience through dealing with, rather than running from obstacles, failures or disappointments.
I have a son, and due to the harsh economical climate, he has had to move back in with me. Having an adult "child" living at home, poses many difficulties and one of those is understanding boundaries. Fortunately for me, my son is helping me to understand their importance. Perhaps it is acceptable for a parent to tidy the offspring's room without asking for permission when he/she is under 13 years old, but what about when he/she is 28?
How about doing said offspring's washing without asking first? Entering the room without knocking? Asking questions such as: "where are you going, when will you be back, who are you going with?"
Or starting sentences with: "What you need to do, what you should do..." although the offspring did not ask for advice.
Independence is hard to achieve for a child while the parent is still hanging on to the "handlebars", and so is differentiation both for parent and adult "child" if the interaction remains stuck in "I'm-the-parent-you're-the-child" mode. At some point, the parent need to let go of the caretaker role, and become "another".
All of us have a division within ourselves in which we have internalised the point of view of our parents/caretakers. The way we perceive ourselves today, in the things we do, or closest relationships, is often based on projections from feelings from childhood interactions. To move forward we need to become aware of those feelings, to gain insight into how those affect us, to become aware of inner critical thoughts.
My son challenged my view of boundaries which in turn lead me to think deeply about my own experiences with boundaries as a child. What were they? What are my boundaries today?
How old does a child have to be for the parent/caretaker to take the offspring's requests for privacy, individuality, expression, etc.etc.......to be taken seriously? At what age should a parent let go of the "handlebars", let the child ride the bike on his own, stand back and just be ready with the Band-Aid? At what age would it be good for a parent to stop offering unsolicited advise? When would be a good time to exchange "It is not realistic" for "let me know if I can help"?
If one wants to live life fully, and not merely living the life of another, remaining undifferentiated will not work.
If you feel that you are not living your own life, becoming differentiated may well help you find it. The quest begins NOW, regardless of your age.
If I may, here are some more suggestions that may assist in your quest, and this applies whether you are a parent or a child or both.
Develop a person-to-person relationship. (with parents/caretaker)
Be clear, rather than forceful, about your position.
Stay focused on topic, remain calm even if tempers and emotions flare.
Deflect and avoid, personal attacks.
Develop your own values, ideals, and beliefs rather than automatically accepting the beliefs you grew up with in your culture.
Claim your life.
"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." (Nora Ephron)
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