Who are my friends?

 

Since I first heard these words, they have haunted me.

Where were her friends? Why did nobody come to say goodbye?

What is a friend?

According to Elbert Hubbard, "A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."

A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection is another description.

Commonly a friend is someone with whom we have no family relations and with whom we have no sexual involvement, although one may have family members one may call "friends" and someone one may call a "friend with benefits".

For clarity's sake, this post is about friends we have no other attachment to other than a mutual bond.

In 1936, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" written by Dale Carnegie was published and since then it has sold 15 million copies all over the world. This book landed in my hands a few years back and after reading it, my views on what a friend is, changed dramatically.

When we are seeking friendships what are we really wanting? Is it about the other or the self, is it about what we want someone to do for us or what we can do for them? Perhaps its just someone to share stories, hobbies, interests, etc. with?

"Best way to find a friend is to become one" someone smart has said.

Often we have different and specific definitions on what a friend is and how he/she is supposed to behave.

"As my friend, you should know that I would never.........." "As my friend you should know that....insert here what you consider your friend should know......" "As I am your friend I would never...."

"If you are a real friend, you would never........." and many more similar expressions.

Perhaps it may be beneficial to ask ourselves: "What kind of friend am I, do I fulfil the expectations I have of others?"

Since many of us have different definitions of what a friend is, perhaps it may be helpful to have some general pointers when it comes to how to make one...

When you meet someone, ask for, and then remember their name.

Smile, establish eye contact.

Show a genuine interest. ( "scanning" the room/space while conversing is not recommended. :)

Ask questions pertaining to the other persons interests. (avoid interrogation :)

Listen.

Respect the other persons personal space. (If the person you are speaking with keeps moving backwards, or away from you in anyway, perhaps allow for more space between you and the other.)

Now, onwards.

There has been times in my life when I have been quite bewildered by the actions of some of my friends, actions which brought me face to face with the disparity between my friends and my own definitions of "friendship". Is an associate, workmate, team mate, colleague, an acquaintance, the same as a friend?

This it seems, depends on how we define a friend.

Some suggestions: The co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more people. A friend is someone with whom we have a relationship involving a common bond, mutual esteem, affection, respect and loyalty. Friends share hardships as well as triumphs, sadness's and joys; a friend engages in reciprocating and reflective behaviours.

For some of us, a friend is someone we trust, someone who does not ask us to choose between our principles and our loyalty to the friendship.

Perhaps for some, a friend is all the above.

"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in one body" (Aristotle) 

"A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else"

(Len Wein)

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

The more I ponder the issue, a thought persists: Is a friend perhaps someone we allow ourselves to "be our true" selves with, warts and all, confident in the thought that regardless of such, (warts) our bond will remain solid?

Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been, lives in a dream,

Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door,

Who is it for?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from

All the lonely people,

Where do they all belong?

 

Our world is full of Eleanor Rigby's, but like Anne Frank wrote: "How wonderful it is that no one needs to wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

The potential for finding a friend is equal to us being one.