"Nobody can push your "buttons" like family members", he said, "and you know why?" he carried on, "because they put them there". Will we ever get over our childhood? Regardless of whether it was a brilliant or lousy one, do we outgrow our childhood eventually?
Will our parents eventually become people who just happen to have known us the longest, but not necessarily the best? Will we eventually view our parents as "people", fallible and full of complexities just like ourselves?
Regardless of who our caretakers/nurturers were, they leave an indelible impression on us which we often carry with us big parts our lives. "The boy is the father of the son, and the girl becomes the mother of the daughter". If you are one of the fortunate ones who grew up in a loving, safe and caring home, you probably remember your childhood fondly, but what if you didn't? There are many different kinds of functional and dysfunctional environments in which children are born/thrust, and all environments require the child to learn coping strategies/skills.
One of these strategies often includes an internal "script", a kind of list of do's and don't's in how to sustain the love and affection from ones caretakers/parents. This the child does not consciously do, and for many of us, we are well into our adulthood before we even notice our "scripts".
Do you have a script, is there a tape on replay?
What does it say? Boys don't cry, good girls don't wear such clothes, a good person never........xyz, you'll never win, you'll never get that job, you're not smart/good looking/strong etc. enough.
Does it say: if you want to be loved you can't....xyz, if you want to be loved you must.....xyz, does it tell you to not rock the boat, does it tell you you're not worthy, does it tell you that acceptance by others is most important, to belong is paramount, and that life is about winners and losers?
Perhaps your script tells you the opposite of all those; you are loved, and no matter what, you are unequivocally worthy.
Regardless of whether the script is positive or negative in nature, it can be viewed as a compass of sorts, our coping strategy, and as such, may function as a compass. If our "true north" is telling us we are not worthy to be loved, will that affect us differently than if our "true north" always tells us that we are unconditionally loved? Yes, and for obvious reasons...a compass only works if it is accurate.
We can't change our childhoods, but we can change our view and/or attitude to that childhood. We can change our scripts, replace them with kinder, more positive ones. We can revisit particular moments in our childhoods, but as observers of that child experiencing that moment.
As adults, we can detach ourselves from our "child" selves; it was "you" the child having the experience, but it is "you" the adult observing the child. As an adult with more life experience, we can view the situation more objectively, with more understanding, and with more emotional distance.
To change a script, often the first step is to want a change, to seek a different response and a different outcome. "If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you got".
Maybe we can begin by challenging the validity of the script once we have identified it.
Remove the bits that don't ring true and replace them with ones that do. We can't change what happened to us, but we can change our attitude and interpretation of events. Truth is a malleable concept.
To quote Anne Frank: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much love! What you can accomplish! And what potential is!
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