"I don't wanna talk about it !"

 

The youth slumps in the chair, crosses his arms, and scowls.

The wife brushes the hair from her face, picks up the toys strewn across the kitchen floor, puts the toddler in the highchair while glancing at the dinner in the oven.

The father comes home from work and goes straight in to the study and closes the door.

The daughter hides her short skirt and tank top behind the tumble drier in the garage.

The  youngest son drops his schoolbag on the floor and settles down in front of the computer.

The TV excitedly tells everyone to buy, buy, buy, and the dog gives up on getting a walk.

 

Everyone in their own bubbles, with their own battles, with their own thoughts. For many of us, this is just the way it is.

Perhaps we don't always want to talk about what's on our minds, sometimes perhaps we just need to figure things out for ourselves in our own time, and if we want or need to talk about "it", we will tell somebody. Hypothetically this may be a reasonable strategy, but maybe only as long as the "not talking about it" doesn't affect our relationships. Being told by a loved one "I don't wanna talk about it" can be experienced as a rejection, a lack of trust, a feeling of not being qualified as a listener, and may result in the question: "Do you wanna talk about it?" not being asked again for fear of being hurt. "What if I really don't want to talk about it, why should I consider how someone else will respond, I'm entitled to work out my own issues aren't I?" you may ask. Communication in families, and probably in most relationships, can be very intimate, fragile and maze like. You start at one end, but somehow you run into dead ends over and over, and although you thought you knew the way, you often find yourself getting stuck. "Treat others as you would have them treat you" the ancients said, so maybe it may be helpful to find a way of letting people know we are not yet ready to talk about what concerns us, but doing so in a manner that is gentle and loving.

After all, maybe tomorrow someone we care for may tell us; "I don't want to talk about it".

So how can we say "I don't wanna talk about it" in a way that will not upset the other?

        May I suggest offering some background info first, when you need to tell someone you don't want to talk, such as: "I had a really bad day at school/work/etc. today, I think I need some time to digest it, do you mind if we talk about it later?"....or "I feel that I need to process some stuff on my mind, can we talk about it when I'm ready?"...or "I'm in a bad mood and I need some space to sort things, do you mind?" and many more possibilities.

Some days are just plain hard to get through, others light as a feather, but probably they mostly fall somewhere in between two. Regardless of such though, " a burden shared, is a burden halved" some say and maybe there is wisdom in it. If we unexpectedly received an inheritance, is not our knee jerk reaction to tell someone of our good fortune? Something wonderful comes our way, do we not want to share it with our friends and loved ones?

If we trust the banks with our hard earned money, can we not also trust our friends and loved ones with our thoughts and feelings whether those feelings are happy or sad, angry or confused,

optimistic or pessimistic, anxious or aggrieved?

Talking about "it" (whatever "it" may be), with someone we care about and that cares for us, may offer us different perspectives, different solutions, and lay open possibilities we have not yet considered, as well as a deepening of our bond and our mutual understanding.

“If you have a candle, the light won't glow any dimmer if I light yours off of mine.”

(Steven Tyler)

(What does the painting depict? The multifaceted nature of communication)