Changes....are inevitable...

Everything changes. We may not be ready for it, we may resist it, condemn it, despise it,.....but change................is constant. Sometimes it is visible, expected, assumed, guaranteed, necessary, but the times when change is sudden and unexpected, tend to unsettle us. We even include random unexpected events in our lives, and insurance companies among others, do well from us doing so. Change is part of life and no one escapes it. If this is so, why do us humans find change so difficult to deal with? We should really be quite used to it since from the minute we rushed down the birth canal and took our first breath, we began our journey towards our inevitable change; death.  We all have many different views on what happens when we die and since as far as I know, nobody has been able to die and then tell the story, I will leave the dying and concentrate on the living part. Living, includes many changes....and nature is a splendid teacher and artist extraordinaire, displaying for us the many amazing, beautiful, raw, energising, rejuvenating, honest and sometimes brutal aspects of change. We cannot prevent change, regardless of our attitude towards it, it will happen, what we can do however is to decide how we will deal with changes, big or small, incremental or detrimental.

A friend sent me a postcard and wrote: "Wherever you are, be there" and for the longest time this sentence puzzled me. Of course I would be where I was, what did it mean?

For the last 20 odd years I have suffered with bad back pain and at one time the pain was so intense that the doctor prescribed such strong pain medication that although it alleviated most of the pain, the downside was that it also disconnected me from my awareness of space and time. I basically had no sense of "reality".....I was there, yet I wasn't. This was very unnerving for me so I decided that I rather take the pain than loose my sense of reality and discontinued using the medication. Was there another option available that didn't include me becoming a zombie? Yes, breathe through it. Breathe through it? Seemed way too simple, could it possibly work? Fortunately for me, a kind person with years of experience with pain was willing to teach me how. It was simple; don't resist the pain, breathe through it.  Just focus on the breath, in and out,...in.......fill the lungs, out...exhale noisily all the air.......focus......only on the breathing.

I was flabbergasted......it really worked.

In order to really be where we are, we can't be somewhere else in our minds. But with pain management, seemingly we purposely remove our self from experiencing the pain, to experience another aspect of our living bodies, ie; taking one breath after the other, with life in every breath.

Pain has the power to bring us to our knees, to make us slow down, to grab our attention, to force us to listen, and often pain demands of us to change. Some say: "Pain is a teacher, Joy is a friend".

Once when we experience pain, we try to find ways of eliminating it, or at least lessen it, so often the first line of defence is brace ourselves against whatever is causing it. We grit our teeth, we stiffen our bodies, we try to ignore it, we pretend we don't feel it, and so forth, maybe we even do a bit of self-medicating to deal with it, until the pain becomes unbearable and we have to face it.

"Only a fool repeats a behaviour expecting a different outcome" someone said, but I think there are many times in our lives when we do just that. Change at times may appear scarier and more threatening than the pain we know and have become used to, so we keep doing what doesn't work but at least feels familiar.

Do you always sleep on the same side of the bed, do you always sit at the same place at the table, do you always use the same toothpaste, soap, laundry detergent? Do you always watch the same shows on TV, always get the petrol at the same gas station, always have pizza on Friday nights?

Do you always respond the same way to strangers looking strange, people dressed all in black with nose rings, people with foreign accents, kids on skateboards, and old people?

Change. Think differently. Behave differently. Ask yourself if there is a different view, response, you may entertain?

Change in itself is neither good nor bad, positive or negative, its how it is interpreted that makes it so.

Often we measure change by the impact it has on those connected with it. We do have a choice in how we view changes in our lives, we also have a choice in how we will respond to those changes, which is to me good news. History shows how many changes are resisted in the beginning only to become humdrum, everyday state of affairs: the combustion engine, the telephone, the electric light bulb, the computer, the www, the laser discs, etc.etc. Not to mention all the advances continuously fraught in the arenas of the sciences, medicine and pharmaceuticals.

"Change your thoughts, and you change the world" Norman Vincent Peale said.

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts", wrote Arnold Bennett.

Stephen Hawking: "Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change".

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails" William Arthur Ward.

Wherever you are, be there, in mind and body, and whatever you cannot change, accept with serenity; whatever you can change be courageous and deal with it; and pray for wisdom and insight to know the difference.

 

 

 

 

 

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"Good-looking" people have easier lives...

According to some statistics, "good-looking" people have easier lives. They get the good jobs, promotions, partners, friends, positions, etc. and in general live happier lives. So what does good-looking mean? According to Farlex: good-looking = "pleasing in appearance especially by reason of conformity to ideals of form and proportion". (I am assuming here that those ideals varies with different cultures, since the statistics didn't speculate.)

However, what some of the interesting results showed was that people trust a good-looking stranger more easily than an odd looking acquaintance, we trust charismatic good-looking politicians, rather than sincere, honest, average looking ones, we allow good-looking people to butt in to the line in front of us, we rush to help good-looking people with their broken grocery bags, but not so readily the strange-looking fat people......actually, statistics showed that they often get no help at all, mostly they get our disrespect and judgemental attitude. So said the statistics...conclusion to me seemed to be: be born good-looking, that way you have better options and a happier life.

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" someone said, but according to the statistics we seem to have the same eyes. Regardless of what culture sets the ideals, or the desired proportions, some people are given advantages for having something they did nothing to acquire, they just got lucky in the gene pool, and others, not equally lucky, have to work twice as hard for the same outcomes.

 For a period of about a year I joined a charity organisation which handed out blankets and food to the homeless. On the weekends we loaded up a small bus with donated clothing, blankets, and food items, we served hot tea or coffee, and/or soft drinks to all who came to the bus. For those who wanted it, we also provided a listening ear and some emergency information if needed. Most of the people who came to the bus were disenfranchised people, people with alcohol/drug issues, mental health disorders, an assortment of physical ailments, and a variety of other problems, and their physical presentations most often could not be classified as "good-looking". This for many of us can be experienced as very challenging since most of us are brought up in a culture that "judges the book by its cover", and though I had had illusions of being a person not juding the book by its cover, I was immediately put in touch with my true nature the very first weekend I joined the crew in the bus.

Change happens in increments, and although initially shocked at my own inablity to disregard the exterior in favour of the interior qualities of a human being, I am forever determind to be more sensitive to another persons "being" rather than the wrapping.

 

Is beauty the same as good-looking? Can a good-looking person be void of beauty and an unsightly person beautiful? Are good looks skin deep, but true beauty springs forth from the depths of a being?

Joseph Carey Merrick, also known as the Elephant Man, in his short and very torturous life, in spite of his outward appearance became known to many as a "beautiful" human being regardless of the "husk". His inner "beauty" made outward appearances unimportant.

Many things us humans value, come wrapped in "ugly" exteriors; pearls, diamonds, and many others precious stones to mention a few. Many of the most delectable foods we eat, also come in varying degrees of "ugly" and unsightly appearances. We have patience with and acceptance of the unappealing because we know of the "beauty" within.....

Maybe this may also be applied to human beings? Is there a "gem of beauty" inside of every human, regardless of the exterior?

 Albert Einstein: "Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty."

"Love is the beauty of the soul" Saint Augustine

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it......." Ashley Smith

Maybe there is not beauty hidden under every thorny bush, or rough exterior,

but assuming that there is,

helps to bring out the beauty in us.

 

 

Is what your inner "script" tells you about you, true?

"Nobody can push your "buttons" like family members", he said, "and you know why?" he carried on, "because they put them there". Will we ever get over our childhood? Regardless of whether it was a brilliant or lousy one, do we outgrow our childhood eventually?

Will our parents eventually become people who just happen to have known us the longest, but not necessarily the best? Will we eventually view our parents as "people", fallible and full of complexities just like ourselves?

Regardless of who our caretakers/nurturers were, they leave an indelible impression on us which we often carry with us big parts our lives. "The boy is the father of the son, and the girl becomes the mother of the daughter". If you are one of the fortunate ones who grew up in a loving, safe and caring home, you probably remember your childhood fondly, but what if you didn't? There are many different kinds of functional and dysfunctional environments in which children are born/thrust, and all environments require the child to learn coping strategies/skills.

One of these strategies often includes an internal "script", a kind of list of do's and don't's in how to sustain the love and affection from ones caretakers/parents. This the child does not consciously do, and for many of us, we are well into our adulthood before we even notice our "scripts".

Do you have a script, is there a tape on replay?

What does it say? Boys don't cry, good girls don't wear such clothes, a good person never........xyz, you'll never win, you'll never get that job, you're not smart/good looking/strong etc. enough.

Does it say: if you want to be loved you can't....xyz, if you want to be loved you must.....xyz, does it tell you to not rock the boat, does it tell you you're not worthy, does it tell you that acceptance by others is most important, to belong is paramount, and that life is about winners and losers?

Perhaps your script tells you the opposite of all those; you are loved, and no matter what, you are unequivocally worthy.

Regardless of whether the script is positive or negative in nature, it can be viewed as a compass of sorts, our coping strategy, and as such, may function as a compass. If our "true north" is telling us we are not worthy to be loved, will that affect us differently than if our "true north" always tells us that we are unconditionally loved? Yes, and for obvious reasons...a compass only works if it is accurate.

We can't change our childhoods, but we can change our view and/or attitude to that childhood. We can change our scripts, replace them with kinder, more positive ones. We can revisit particular moments in our childhoods, but as observers of that child experiencing that moment.

As adults, we can detach ourselves from our "child" selves; it was "you" the child having the experience, but it is "you" the adult observing the child. As an adult with more life experience, we can view the situation more objectively, with more understanding, and with more emotional distance.

To change a script, often the first step is to want a change, to seek a different response and a different outcome. "If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you got".

Maybe we can begin by challenging the validity of the script once we have identified it.

Remove the bits that don't ring true and replace them with ones that do. We can't change what happened to us, but we can change our attitude and interpretation of events. Truth is a malleable concept.

To quote Anne Frank: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much love! What you can accomplish! And what potential is!

 

Lonely or alone? You choose.......

Is being lonely the same as being alone? 

Does longing have something to do with loneliness? Does choice have something to do with being alone but being lonely does not? Is loneliness an unwilling, imposed solitude but being alone a pleasurable emotional state, a chosen solitude?                    

 A person may experience being lonely in a crowd and yet feel crowded when alone. 

What's at the bottom of feeling lonely?  

 Possibly feeling lonely begins somewhere early in our lives when we have experienced feeling separate, disconnected, and invisible to those who matter the most to us. We desire to fit in, to be accepted and valued for who we truly are; we want to have a meaningful connection with others and if ignored or rejected, we often carry those feelings of rejection, of not being "good enough" with us. 

 By carrying these feelings with us they may eventually manifest themselves as feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, resentment, insecurity, etc. and may perhaps lead us to believe that we really are unworthy, and unlovable.

Feeling unworthy, or/and unlovable then, we may find ourselves avoiding social interactions and thus perpetuate our sense of loneliness.

 Self-fulfilling prophesies telling us that we are unlovable, coupled with feelings of rejection, we may find that often withdrawal seem our only dignified option since it offers the notion that we choose to withdraw, and so we may find ourselves without incentive to interact.

 "Better to be wanted by the police than not wanted at all" someone said and judging by the growing prison populations, maybe there is something in those words?

Solitary confinement, when chosen, may be regarded not as a punishment, rather as an opportunity to discover more about the core essence of who you are, but when the very definition of who you are depends on others, then maybe "solitary confinement" may be experienced as a disconnect with the core "you".  Perhaps you feel/think that people just don't get you and if they would just give you the chance, they would realise that you do fit in, you're just like everybody else? (This thought probably presents itself to most of us)

To quote Dale Carnegie: “Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation, for your character is what you are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” and further more: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” (These quotes are from his book "How to win friends and influence people") Feeling "lonely", being lonely can be viewed as an adjective, whereas maybe "alone" can be described as either an adjective or an adverb. For instance, feeling lonely  seem to infer a missing someone/something....an absence, a lack, however alone for me is more so inferring that there's no one around because of a choice made. "There was a man alone in the room" compare with "there was a lonely man in the room".........or... "she was alone at work" verses "she was lonely at work".

"Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."

(Paul Tillich)

When asked once to define what loneliness is for me, I had to have a good "think" and then answered: "Loneliness is a straight line", which led my friend to ask: "What's "alone" then? to which my answer was: "Many intersected lines".

Every new day offers the possibility for change, to live in the past will cost us the future, so if at this point you feel lonely, maybe look into the possibility of turning "lonely" in to "alone"?

"Love is our true destiny, we do not find meaning of life by ourselves alone,...we find it with another." (Thomas Merton)

Why is it so hard to say:"I'm sorry"?

After the emotional fall-out,....the silence. The withdrawal into ones corners. Each waiting for the other to break the silence, the stalemate, and to say: "I'm sorry". But nobody takes the first step, says the first word, and so the feet grow roots and the lips remain zipped. The positions become fixed. So the next is to pretend; pretend were not hurting, disappointed, devastated, broken, feel betrayed, and so we begin the waiting...waiting....for the other to realise how they upset us, how the words they said cut us, the action they took shamed us, ...how they were wrong and we were right. Sometime we even play the "if" game: "If..he/she apologises, I will xyz..........."if" he/she shows signs of remorse...."if" he/she treats me better.....and so on. (Always mindful of not in any way conceding to "us" having been wrong.) In a stalemate situation, fraught with lots of emotions, does it enter our minds that maybe the other person/persons are thinking exactly the same way about us? That maybe they are waiting for us to apologise, or is our desire to be

"right" so overwhelming that we become blind to the other as a person and it becomes just a matter of winning or losing a battle?

We may even have "blueprint" for how an apology should be delivered in order for us to take it seriously. Remember as a kid how you would mutter under your breath: "soorrry" after being too rough with a sibling and your mother/father saying: "Not like that, do it properly!"? So for an apology to be acceptable, it has to be done according to our "blueprints". Our own need for validation may be so paramount that we may find it hard to even entertain a notion that we may have played a part in the breakdown of communications. In a "fall-out" situation, are there really only two positions; wrong or right, guilty or innocent, victim or perpetrator? Could there be more possibilities ? Maybe we misunderstood some parts, maybe our definition of some words are different, maybe we misheard, and is it possible that our recollection of the event is coloured by previous experiences? Emotions, whether we want them to or not, have a way of inserting themselves into our communication and to remain rational and objective in the middle of a difficult situation/event can be very challenging. For some of us, apologising is no big deal, even if in our minds we did/said nothing wrong, yet for some of us the objective is to keep the communication going,

for some the issue of right or wrong is not an issue because its all about perceptions, and for some apologising offers an opportunity for a deeper bond. "Well, what about me?" you may say, "I am not going to apologise when I know I'm in the right". "If I'm wrong, then I'll apologise, but not otherwise".

If this is how you view it, rest assured that there are many who share this view, and if this view works for you, I am genuinely happy for you.

I used to hold this view myself, but recently I have come to question my ability to be so certain of my skill in being able to really know what "right" and "wrong" is. According to recent neuro-scientific research, every time we recall a memory, we alter it, so unless there is some kind of recording/record of the conversation/event/incident, how can one be absolutely sure that what one remembers is actually correct?

This is good news, for this offers the opportunity for new perspectives.

Is it possible that I misunderstood? Is it possible that I could have used different words? Is it possible that I didn't have all the facts?  Is it possible that I jumped to conclusions? and so forth...

Saying "I'm sorry" regardless of who is to blame, has the potential to help us move forward because we show others that they are important to us.

When we apologise, we help repair relationships, we keep talking and this in turn helps us feel comfortable with each other again.

"I don't wanna talk about it !"

 

The youth slumps in the chair, crosses his arms, and scowls.

The wife brushes the hair from her face, picks up the toys strewn across the kitchen floor, puts the toddler in the highchair while glancing at the dinner in the oven.

The father comes home from work and goes straight in to the study and closes the door.

The daughter hides her short skirt and tank top behind the tumble drier in the garage.

The  youngest son drops his schoolbag on the floor and settles down in front of the computer.

The TV excitedly tells everyone to buy, buy, buy, and the dog gives up on getting a walk.

 

Everyone in their own bubbles, with their own battles, with their own thoughts. For many of us, this is just the way it is.

Perhaps we don't always want to talk about what's on our minds, sometimes perhaps we just need to figure things out for ourselves in our own time, and if we want or need to talk about "it", we will tell somebody. Hypothetically this may be a reasonable strategy, but maybe only as long as the "not talking about it" doesn't affect our relationships. Being told by a loved one "I don't wanna talk about it" can be experienced as a rejection, a lack of trust, a feeling of not being qualified as a listener, and may result in the question: "Do you wanna talk about it?" not being asked again for fear of being hurt. "What if I really don't want to talk about it, why should I consider how someone else will respond, I'm entitled to work out my own issues aren't I?" you may ask. Communication in families, and probably in most relationships, can be very intimate, fragile and maze like. You start at one end, but somehow you run into dead ends over and over, and although you thought you knew the way, you often find yourself getting stuck. "Treat others as you would have them treat you" the ancients said, so maybe it may be helpful to find a way of letting people know we are not yet ready to talk about what concerns us, but doing so in a manner that is gentle and loving.

After all, maybe tomorrow someone we care for may tell us; "I don't want to talk about it".

So how can we say "I don't wanna talk about it" in a way that will not upset the other?

        May I suggest offering some background info first, when you need to tell someone you don't want to talk, such as: "I had a really bad day at school/work/etc. today, I think I need some time to digest it, do you mind if we talk about it later?"....or "I feel that I need to process some stuff on my mind, can we talk about it when I'm ready?"...or "I'm in a bad mood and I need some space to sort things, do you mind?" and many more possibilities.

Some days are just plain hard to get through, others light as a feather, but probably they mostly fall somewhere in between two. Regardless of such though, " a burden shared, is a burden halved" some say and maybe there is wisdom in it. If we unexpectedly received an inheritance, is not our knee jerk reaction to tell someone of our good fortune? Something wonderful comes our way, do we not want to share it with our friends and loved ones?

If we trust the banks with our hard earned money, can we not also trust our friends and loved ones with our thoughts and feelings whether those feelings are happy or sad, angry or confused,

optimistic or pessimistic, anxious or aggrieved?

Talking about "it" (whatever "it" may be), with someone we care about and that cares for us, may offer us different perspectives, different solutions, and lay open possibilities we have not yet considered, as well as a deepening of our bond and our mutual understanding.

“If you have a candle, the light won't glow any dimmer if I light yours off of mine.”

(Steven Tyler)

(What does the painting depict? The multifaceted nature of communication)



In search of joy

What exactly is "joy"? Very hard to define it seems. After a concerted effort to find a definition that reflected something "joyous" about the word, I had to concede....I couldn't really find one. Happiness, pleasure, delight, euphoria etc.etc. seemed to me too "small". The word "joy" for me has something transcendent about it, but also a lingering quality. It crosses the boundries of time constraints like a fragrant mist, it permeats, soothes and lay open the land of possibilities and hope. How do we find joy, do we really need it, or is joy just an illusion?

Many of us seek happiness, contentment, love, fulfillment, meaningful activities, a wish for our loved ones to be healthy, a peaceful co-existence with our fellow humans and so on, maybe we experience joy when such pursuits have come to fruition? Is joy nebulous or is it something us humans have to work on to achieve? Maybe we have to start with defining for ourselves how we personally experience joy; holding one's first born in one's arms, enjoying the many wonders of nature, loosing oneself in music, learning something new, travelling, making things, sharing a meal with good friends, spending quality time with family, to mention but a few suggestions.  Perhaps for some of us it is easier to identify what doesn't bring us joy?

Everyday we get reminded of the many ills in this world. We encounter it through newspapers, News on TV, Podcasts, Radio...basically we are continously reminded of it. Media at times can overwhelm us with information about man's inhumanities, natural catastrophies, murders and mayhem, melting polar ice and an expanding whole in the ozone layer, in short, there is much to be concerned about.

And concerned we are, some of us so much that joy is not in our vocabulary, little less something we ponder on as to whether we experience it in our lives or not.

Is there joy in your life?

Can you define what joy is for you?

Would you be willing to set a few moments aside to find yourself some joy?

Maybe in a world caught up in an information frenzy, we could do with a bit of daydreaming now and then on what is beautiful, inspiring, uplifting, wonderous, extraordinary, mysterious, lovely, generous, amazing, creative, imaginary and meta-physical?

"One joy scatters a hundred griefs" (Chinese proverb)

Being present in silence.....

It's a warm summers day. The air is still and except for a few crickets serenading, it is a lazy, hazy afternoon. A bus pulls up at the rest stop and a teenage boy with a small duffel bag get off the bus and wanders into the stark sunshine with a bewildered look on his face. The attendant leaves his post behind the counter and wanders up to the boy. "Son, are you lost?" the attendant asks the boy. The boy just looks at the male attendant. "Is someone waiting for you son?" the attendant tries again. The boys says nothing. Suddenly the boy collapses and the attendant barely manages to catch him as he falls. "Son, what on earth...?" The old attendant holds the boy to his chest and shouts: "Leanne, come real quick, there's a boy here just collapsed". A woman in her late sixties comes running from the back of the rest stop while shouting back: "Leroy, what on earth is going on here?" Together they carry the boy to the backroom of the rest stop and put him down on a bed. The boy's forehead is dripping with perspiration and he is trembling, but no sound escapes his lips. "We ought to phone for doc Whithers Leroy" says Leanne. "Now, now, Leanne, lets just cool the boy down and try to find out who he is first" Leroy answers. The old couple sit with the boy for 24 hours, placing cool compresses on his forehead and changing the sheets over and over as needed. Finally the fever brakes and the boy settles into a restful sleep. Leroy and Leanne, who have been taking turns in looking after the boy, are exhausted so they decide to place a 'closed' sign in the shop window and catch up on some well deserved sleep themselves.

A week later the boy is still with Leroy and Leanne, but he has uttered not one single word. They have no idea where the boy comes from, if there is any family missing him, or what his name is, so they name him Eric after their son who had died in the Vietnam war. The rest stop is quite busy, Eric proves to be a good little worker, he is very kind, helpful and Leroy and Leanne have a spring in their step again. Eric pumps gas, smiles and clean windscreens, and for Leroy and Leanne, it is like having a second son. They get used to his silence, they find ways of communicating in other ways. So does other people. Eric sit and listen for hours to people who have things on their minds they need to speak out, but he never says anything back, he just smiles, nods and occasionally he gently places a hand on the speakers shoulder.

Eric becomes the "go-to-guy" for people with concerns, nobody seem to worry about the fact that Eric never speaks, somehow his way of listening helps.

Time passes and then one day a friend of Doc Whithers pulls up at the rest stop. Eric pumps the gas, cleans the windscreen, smiles and nods. Doc Whithers friend asks Eric questions, but Eric just smiles and carries on with his business. When the Doc's friend comes in to pay for the gas, he asks Leroy for a pen and paper, and with the items in his hand, he walks up to Eric who is sitting on a chair in front of the the rest stop. He writes something on the piece of paper and hands it to Eric.

Eric looks at it and after consideration, writes something and hands the piece of paper back.

Doc's friend smiles, and still smiling he walks up to Leroy and gives him the piece of paper, then he gets into his car and drives off. "Leanne, honey, come on out for a spell, I have something to show you" Leroy says. Leroy looks at Eric, gives him a wink as Leanne saunters out from the shop wiping her hands on a towel. Leroy hands Leanne the piece of paper.

On it is written: are you deaf and dumb? and Eric's answer: Yes, but I lipread.

One may ask why Leroy and Leanne never thought to communicate with Eric by writing, why Eric never asked for pen and paper, and many, many more questions. But why?

Eric found a loving home and many friends; Leroy and Leanne, a son.

Silence, perhaps does not necessarily have to be viewed as "absence", maybe when used "creatively" and compassionately, silence is teeming with presence....