I don't know how many times it has been pointed out to
me that ''with some people one just has to use some
tough love''.
As in my opinion words are often mere approximations
consequently there can be many different interpretations
of the words we use.
So I looked up some different versions of ''tough love'':
The act of treating someone sternly/harshly with the intent
that it will help them in the long run.
A way of dealing with someone who has a problem by
withholding kindness so that he/she will try to solve
it themselves.
Ever since it was first suggested to me that I should use some
''tough love'' with my son I have pondered:
How much ''toughness'' is the right amount and for
how long should it be kept up?
And does withholding kindness really have anything
to do with love?
Does ''tough love'' really work or is the term merely a
more palatable way of saying to oneself:
''I've had enough of this. Fix your own darn problems.''
As far as I can ascertain, tough love is often fraught with
many pitfalls and potentially escalating problems and to
be honest, I am not sure that it has much to do with love,
well, at least not with the way I understand love.
So, tossing the idea of tough love aside, are there alternatives?
Here is one; using a ''boundary-setting approach in which
one combines firmness with self-care and support''.
Setting boundaries as I view it, is not the same as being
strict(tough).
Being strict I associate with rules and regulations whereas
setting boundaries I view as more of a negotiation on behaviours
that we are willing or unwilling to engage with.
Example: ''XYZ works for me what works for you?''
''I can see that we view this differently, can we find
a compromise?''
''I understand that you are upset and want to talk about it.
Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of something right now.
Let's talk tomorrow when I have more time.''
Boundaries, in my view, when expressed clearly and without
any punitive undertones fosters an understanding not only
of our own limits, needs and wants, but also that of others.
However, boundaries do need consequences but in difference
to tough love, it does not involve withdrawing kindness
and/or treating someone harshly.
It does involve owning our feelings when a boundary
has been crossed and communicating that clearly to the
person who crossed it.
-I would prefer it if you didn't make fun of my......xyz
in front of others. It hurts.
-I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you. I feel that
your words are too harsh.
-I'd appreciate it if we could agree to disagree because
this conversation is upsetting me.
-I'm really tired. Can we please talk about this later?
-I get that you are upset, so am I, let's work on
this when we are both less emotional.
It has taken me years to fully understand how much
needless frustration, anger and sadness I have
experience/felt due to not having understood
just how important boundaries are.
I've come to realize that if we fail to set boundaries yet hold
others responsible for how we feel in response
to our ''crossed'' boundaries, then are we not
ourselves the authors of our emotional fallout?
Methinks maybe that may be the case.
''I'm not so sure about tough love,
but it sure can be tough sometimes
to love.''
(Citizen Z)
''I want to emphasize how important it is to maintain
a collaborative relationship even when you are
setting boundaries.
Your response must always be expressed in the
form of strong, yet emphatic, limit-setting
boundaries - that is, tough love.''
(Chris Voss)
''Some people have equated the term tough love to
disciplinary action or even outright abusive behaviours.
This is not at all the same thing.
No action that causes harm to another person - such
as abusive wording or physical aggression - is love
of any kind; it's unacceptable and should
not be excused.''
(betterhelp)
about the image: acrylic on large canvas, some editing
in Elements
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