The problem with honesty and lying..........

When I asked him why he had lied, he just looked at me,

shrugged his shoulders, and answered: 

-What you don't seem to get is that lying is only

 wrong if you get caught, and me, I'm way

too smart to get caught.

For the purpose of this post my definition of lying

is to deliberately state something as true though

knowing it to be untrue.

According to a number of research carried out into how 

often we lie, the statistics show that most of us do so 

almost every day.

And we do so for a number of reasons such as:

To avoid punishment, to protect ourselves from retaliation,

to avoid embarrassment and or shame, to embellish or

''play down'' a story/event/experience, for personal gain,

to protect ourselves and or others, etc. etc. etc.

Thing is, when we convey a message, we use not only

words but also body language, including micro-expressions.

(micro-expressions= involuntary facial expressions that occur 

within a fraction of a second)

Being able to read micro-expressions can be very useful

when detecting dishonesty but so can our ''gut-instincts''.

Gut-instincts, so those in the know say, are based on

lived experiences. 

 Sometimes even if we want to believe that 

what someone is telling us is true

our gut-instincts may tell us that it isn't.

Most societies value truthfulness and honesty

as fundamental building blocks of a fair and

just society, and in my view, when it comes to creating

meaningful social bonds, they are viewed just as fundamental.

''Honesty and truthfulness fosters trust, trust fosters 

a bond, a bond fosters a deeper connection, a

deeper connection fosters a sense of belonging,

and belonging fosters a sense of physical and mental

well-being.''

(Citizen Z)

Life is complex and sometimes we may be faced

with situations in which neither the truth nor a lie

seem to suffice.

Times when honesty may be more hurtful and brutal

than a well intentioned ''half-truth''.

(If I tell him that nobody seemed to get his jokes

he will be devastated. I'll just tell him how much

I liked some of his jokes.)

Life experiences have taught me that when people 

ask for feedback, always lead with the positives

and do not use the word's ''what you should've done'' 

..........ever.......

Lying for the purpose of misleading, manipulating,

distorting, or hiding misconduct will in my view,

more often than not, lead to distrust and relationship

problems.

Brutal honesty is no more honest than a lie,

as it tends to lack kindness and compassion .

''When people speak with brutal honesty,

what is most remembered

is the brutality,

not the honesty.''

(Maya Angelou)

''When people speak words with compassion,

what is most remembered

is the kindness,

not the words.''

(Citizen Z)

About the image: acrylic on canvas

some editing in Elements

Just let it go......easier said than done

I don't know about you but I've always had trouble

with the expression ''just let it go''.

When it comes down to it, what does it really mean?

I understand fully what it means when it's about tangible

stuff(something one can touch), but how does one 

let go of stuff that's intangible( something one can't touch such as

 thoughts, feelings, memories, etc. etc.)?

For me, it seems as if ''just let it go'' belongs with

the ''tough love'' turn of phrase.

Concepts, that in my view seem to be much easier to say 

than to define.

''Just let it go'' although perhaps when it's said is meant

with good intent can often be experienced by the

receiver as a ''reprimand/judgement''. 

Why? Because it can be interpreted as if we supposedly

know that we should let it go yet failing to do so,

we ourselves now have become responsible for our troubling 

thoughts and or emotions.

Basically, we are choosing to hold on to something

painful when we could just chose not to do so.

Chose? How? Is there a right amount of time for

holding on to a painful/traumatic experience?

If so, who determines that?

You. Us, we do.

It can be easy to get stuck in narratives if we don't

challenge them. 

Even though we can't change what happened in the past, 

the good news is: we can change how we interpret what happened.

We can do this by reframing/reexamining/reevaluating

our narratives.

Practically, this means to exchange old thinking patterns

for new ones.

''That was then but this is now."

''Thoughts and feelings are not facts.''

''Sometimes I make mistakes but not always.''

''I can't change what happened but I can change how I view it.''

''I can't change some situations but I can change

my attitude.''

Letting go as I view it, is a process(a comma), not a

stoppage(full stop).

It is getting out of the habit of regurgitating thoughts and

feelings that hurts us by refusing our minds to replay 

narratives in the hope of coming up with better

outcomes.

Like a pot plant needs watering in order to thrive

so our old grievances need exposure to flourish.

Good thing is, we are holding the watering cans.

This gives us the control of how much water

our pot plant gets.

So if we are watering ''too much'', 

then we need to change that.

Change, in my experience, begins with awareness.

''Awareness is the birthplace of possibility.

Everything you want to do, everything

you want to be, starts here.''

(Deepak Chopra)

Once we become aware of when our thoughts and feelings

 revert back to past hurtful experiences we

have an opportunity to take notice of how

this affects what happens in our bodies.

''When I think of xyz .... I feel upset/sad/angry/etc. again.

I don't like feeling this way and since I can't change what 

happened I will exchange the painful thought for a 

good thought.''

I deal with PTSD and all manners of anxieties

daily and in order to deal with it all there are some

things that I have found to be very helpful when it

comes to letting go that I would like to share with you.

When I find myself ruminating I tell myself out loud: STOP.

The brain can't help itself, it has to stop the thought.

I then quickly find a better thought.

I allow myself to feel sad/angry/upset/hurt when I feel 

the need to, .... but only for a limited time.

I focus on the here and now and deal with what

I can deal with in the now.

''The truth is, that unless you let go,

unless you forgive yourself,

unless you forgive a situation,

unless you realize that the situation is over,

you cannot move forward.''

(Steve Maraboli)

''There is no if only I had.......

there's only this is what I can do.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: ''Inuit woman''

While thinking on the plight of many

indigenous women in Canada I suddenly

imagined this face.

Acrylic on canvas, some editing in Elements

Tough love? Or a lack of boundaries.........

I don't know how many times it has been pointed out to

me that ''with some people one just has to use some

tough love''.

As in my opinion words are often mere approximations 

consequently there can be many different interpretations

of the words we use.

So I looked up some different versions of ''tough love'':

The act of treating someone sternly/harshly with the intent

that it will help them in the long run.

A way of dealing with someone who has a problem by 

withholding kindness so that he/she will try to solve

it themselves.

Ever since it was first suggested to me that I should use some

''tough love'' with my son I have pondered:

How much ''toughness'' is the right amount and for

how long should it be kept up?

And does withholding kindness really have anything

 to do with love?

Does ''tough love'' really work or is the term merely a

more palatable way of saying to oneself:

''I've had enough of this. Fix your own darn problems.''

As far as I can ascertain, tough love is often fraught with

many pitfalls and potentially escalating problems and to

be honest, I am not sure that it has much to do with love,

well, at least not with the way I understand love.

So, tossing the idea of tough love aside, are there alternatives?

Here is one; using a ''boundary-setting approach in which

one combines firmness with self-care and support''.

Setting boundaries as I view it, is not the same as being

strict(tough).

Being strict I associate with rules and regulations whereas 

setting boundaries I view as more of a negotiation on behaviours

that we are willing or unwilling to engage with.

Example: ''XYZ works for me what works for you?''

''I can see that we view this differently, can we find

a compromise?''

''I understand that you are upset and want to talk about it.

Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of something right now. 

Let's talk tomorrow when I have more time.''

Boundaries, in my view, when expressed clearly and without

any punitive undertones fosters an understanding not only

of our own limits, needs and wants, but also that of others.

However, boundaries do need consequences but in difference

to tough love, it does not involve withdrawing kindness

and/or treating someone harshly.

It does involve owning our feelings when a boundary

has been crossed and communicating that clearly to the

person who crossed it.

-I would prefer it if you didn't make fun of my......xyz

in front of others. It hurts.

-I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you. I feel that

your words are too harsh.

-I'd appreciate it if we could agree to disagree because

this conversation is upsetting me.

-I'm really tired. Can we please talk about this later?

-I get that you are upset, so am I, let's work on

this when we are both less emotional.

It has taken me years to fully understand how much

needless frustration, anger and sadness I have

experience/felt due to not having understood

just how important boundaries are.

I've come to realize that if we fail to set boundaries yet hold 

others responsible for how we feel in response

to our ''crossed'' boundaries, then are we not

 ourselves the authors of our emotional fallout?

Methinks maybe that may be the case.

''I'm not so sure about tough love,

but it sure can be tough sometimes

to love.''

(Citizen Z)

''I want to emphasize how important it is to maintain

a collaborative relationship even when you are

setting boundaries. 

Your response must always be expressed in the

form of strong, yet emphatic, limit-setting 

boundaries - that is, tough love.''

(Chris Voss)

''Some people have equated the term tough love to

disciplinary action or even outright abusive behaviours.

This is not at all the same thing.

No action that causes harm to another person - such

as abusive wording or physical aggression - is love

of any kind; it's unacceptable and should

not be excused.''

(betterhelp)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas, some editing

in Elements