"Hurt people, hurt people".....on how to deal with feeling hurt

Read this please: This is an ink and charcoal sketch that I did for an exhibition titled: 

"I rather be a candle than curse the darkness". Included in the exhibition was a segment titled 

"The power of One" which consisted of portraits of different individuals who represented the power that one "voice" can have for either the benefit or detriment of mankind. (Just so you know, making this painting was emotionally very difficult for me, but I still made it because I felt that it belonged in the exhibition.)

As long as I can remember, I have battled with trying to understand why we hurt each other.

Why do we say things to a person that we know will hurt him/her? 

Why do we act in ways that we know will hurt others?  

This, of course, is a complicated question because there are so many possible answers;

sometimes we hurt others intentionally, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes we hurt others because that way we feel less hurt ourselves, sometimes we hurt others because that makes us feel that we are in control, etc.etc.

A kid comes home from school, holds up a drawing and proudly says: "Look at the drawing that I did today!" The parent throws a five second glance at the drawing and says "Oh, that's nice" and then continues doing what he/she is doing. The kid looks at his drawing and then puts it back in his backpack concluding that it can't be any good since his mum/dad didn't have a proper look.

Take the same situation but this time the parent says: "What about the math test? Drawings don't matter, math's does." The kid looks at his drawing, then rips it up.

Or perhaps the parents says: "What's it supposed to be? At your age I was a way better drawer."

When someone says something to us that hurt us, whether they did so intentionally or unintentionally, it can be difficult to know how to respond. Commonly, I believe, many of us ask ourselves: "Why did he/she say that?" A person with a healthy self-esteem may challenge the person who said something he/she experienced as hurtful and ask: "Why did you say that, that was really hurtful." Someone with a less healthy self-esteem may take the words to heart and find him/herself spiraling into self-doubt: "I shouldn't have said anything, that was a stupid thing to say. Next time I won't say anything."

Human beings live lives based mostly on behaviour patterns and habits. Repeat any action often enough and it becomes a habit, a pattern, a pathway in our brains that we "travel" so often we are not aware of doing so. This applies to our emotional responses as well: "when I feel hurt by what someone says to me, I withdraw" or "when I feel hurt by what someone says to me I challenge him/her" or "if someone says something to me that hurts me, I strike back".

Not that we are aware of these habitual thoughts....our behaviour patterns are well and truly hidden in our unconscious minds. Which of course make it difficult for us to change any of our behaviours or emotional responses.

So, why do some people hurt others?

Some say that "hurt people, hurt people" and they do so, some suggest, in order to maintain their psychological stability. "I hurt and this makes me feel unstable, but if I make someone else hurt as well, then my hurt doesn't feel so bad so I feel more balanced."

(I think this may apply to anger as well perhaps: "I feel angry so I am going to make you feel angry too, that way I feel more balanced." Come to think of it, perhaps there are more: "I am worried, so I'm gonna make you feel worried too, I feel criticized, so I am gonna make you feel criticized too, I feel bullied, so I am gonna make you feel bullied too.")

Although there are people who intentionally try to, and often succeed to hurt us and others, how we will respond however, is up to us.

(In the early days of Hitler and his brown shirts, some Jewish folks thought of him as a nuisance that would pass, others took him seriously and left Germany. As history will verify, Hitler was an expert when it came to finding ways of hurting others. Lucky for me, my grand-parents took him seriously and hence here I am today writing this.)

If I may, here are some suggestions on how to respond when someone hurts you:

Decide the intention as in if there was one or if it perhaps was a misunderstanding, talk about your feelings rather than argue the point  as in "I felt hurt by your words when you said....", rather than reacting try to respond as in think before you speak, stick to your boundaries as in if you feel disrespected and or belittled, say so, and finally, if the hurt you experienced was a misunderstanding or caused unintentionally, don't hang on to it.
"Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you."
(Recoveryexperts)