Chicken George, was what he used to be called when I knew him.
Why he was called that, I have no idea, but what I do know is that he was a very mellow fellow.
His lilting Caribbean accent, his very colourful clothes, and his attitude of "just take it eeesy mann" made it almost a "mental" holiday to hang out with him.
Well, until one day when he called me and asked if he could stay at my place for a few days because his wife had shown him the door.
"I don't nou what is happening to my wife mann, seems like nothing I do is ever enough," he said as
I opened the door to let him in to my unit.
He dropped his bags on the floor, sat down on the sofa and and let out a heavy sigh.
"George, why don't I make us some coffee and you can tell me what's going on," I said then went into the kitchen to make the coffee.
"See mann, it's like no matter how much I tell her that I love her and the kids, she just doesn't believe me."
Most of us go through times when we feel beset by discontent, discontent with ourselves, with others, with our lives, our jobs, our relationships, etc.etc. and often when we feel this way, we begin to thirst for validation. If he/she/they would only.....then I wouldn't feel this way.
In short, whatever the source for our discontent may be, we often want (or perhaps hope) others to make us feel "better" about ourselves.
According to those in the "know", the need and or desire to be liked and appreciated by others, is a need we all share, and our sense of self-worth is very much linked to that external form of validation.
Feeling that we are seen, heard, and appreciated by others makes us feel good about ourselves and boosts our sense of self-worth. However, if we place most of our sense of worth in the hands of what others think of us, or how much validation others give to us, we may run the risk of : "I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think that I am."
In my opinion, if we base our concept of how we view ourselves (self-worth) on how we think others view us, then we become vulnerable and susceptible to the whims of others opinions of us, which in turn may leave us with an unquenchable thirst for validation.
Problem is, that as well as we need others validation, we also need to be able to validate ourselves.
In order to be able to validate ourselves, we need to aware of our own thoughts and feelings, and to do so we need to find out what they are. What am I feeling and thinking? Where do these feelings and thoughts come from? Why do I feel that I need others approval?
Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us have internal commentaries "talking" to us constantly:
do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that, say this, don't say that, etc.etc. and how we respond to different experiences and situations, is coloured by those internally running commentaries.
Different things influence the content and flavour of those commentaries: our beliefs about ourselves and our world, the mood we are in, past experiences, a critical and pessimistic outlook, and so on to just mention a few possibilities.
According to Chicken George, his wife had had a very difficult childhood and as a result of that she had trust and self-esteem issues. According to him, she needed constant affirmations from him that she was okay. Not having had an easy childhood himself, he often found his wife's constant need for validation annoying and very frustrating. "Why she need all this attention? It drives me crazy sometimes," he told me.
Getting "attention", can be a quick-fix for a flailing self-esteem, but it can often also create an exponential growth of dependence rather than a true sense of worth. "Only through the internal experience of self-esteem can you assure that your external validation takes the form of a constructive relationship instead of serial attention-seeking." (Psychology today)
I asked Chicken George what attributes his wife had that he loved. "I love how she makes me feel, I love how she looks after me chilren, I love the food she cooks for me you nou. Why is that not enough?"
"Perhaps George, because,.... what you just said is not about her, it's about you and what you feel."
George looked at me quizzically: "What do you mean?"
"Let me ask you the question again differently. What about your wife do you love that has nothing to do with you?"
George sat quiet for a long time and then said: "I love that she is kind, I love that she is interested in so many things, I love that she cares about nature, I love that she nous how to talk to the chilren."
"Mann, I get it nou, she needs to nou that she is loved for who she is not for what she does for me."
George left the next morning to go home.
Three months later I did a gig(music) with George. As I was carrying my keyboard to the stage, George's wife suddenly came up to me and said: "I don't know what you said to George, but we are back together and our marriage is better than ever. Thank you," and with that she walked away.
It can be difficult to distinguish between attention, validation and approval, at a glance they may seem to be synonymous, but in my view there are subtle differences.
When we seek validation and approval, I believe we do so in order to corroborate that our experience of who we are (our authentic selves) and what we stand for, is what others also see.
When we seek attention, we can be motivated to do so for any number of reasons: we feel left out, we want to share something, we want to be taken notice of, we want admiration, we want others to make us feel good about ourselves because we don't know how to do if for ourselves, etc.etc. so:
"If you find that you crave validation from others,
then ask yourself: why?
If you find that to feel whole, you need others to approve
then ask yourself: why?
If you find any attention is better than none,
then ask yourself: why?
on the other hand
If the validation you seek comes from within,
then say to yourself: I am thankful
If the approval you need are words from your heart,
then say to yourself: I am loved
If the attention you need is negligible indeed,
then say to yourself: I am whole"
(Citizen Z)
"Freedom on the inside comes when validation from the outside doesn't matter."
(Ritchie Norton)
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