We are what we think....on the power of thoughts

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." (Buddha)

As a child I was one of those kids who used to wonder about basically everything. (Truth be told, I am still a person who wonders about everything..)

What is the mind, where do thoughts come from, why does music affect us so much, where, how and when, did "energy" begin, why do some people choose to be mean to others, what is dying, is there something beyond the universe , etc.etc.

It seemed to me that for every answer to a question I found, a new question lurked.

One of the questions that has been with me all my life is: what exactly are thoughts and how do we know we have them?

This may seem a silly question perhaps, but is it? Can a thought be had without using words for instance? Can it be seen on an fMRI machine? A "conscious" thought; as in, we are aware of thinking it,... according to some, before it reached our conscious, it had to go through brain processes in our unconscious to generate that thought. Yeah, I know, ...say what?

Thinking, having thoughts, something we all do non-stop whether we are conscious of doing so or not, ....exactly how we do so to this day has science flummoxed.

(Although it is possible to experience feelings, sensations and impressions without the use of language, language sure makes it easier to make sense of and understand those experiences.)

We think with thoughts, thoughts are mostly made up of words, and words can perhaps be viewed as the  "cipher" we use to make thoughts "real".

After having had a two day binge of "Criminal Minds" recently... my mind has been percolating just how powerful our thoughts can be, how they can at times create our very own "invisible prisons" that can prevent us from being able to live and appreciate our lives fully. 

Thoughts are an integral part of the human experience and we have thousands of them every day. Most of them we are not aware of, some of them we are, yet whether we are aware of them or not, they affect us in many different ways.
Thoughts of a life-affirming and positive variety can assist us to feel more emotionally capable to deal with life's up's and downs than thoughts of a negative and "what's the point" variety.
Situation: Wow, this is a challenge! Thought: I have dealt with challenges before, I am sure I'll be able to deal with this one too. Feeling: Confidence/self-assurance.
or
Situation: Wow, this is a challenge!  Thought: How am I supposed to figure this one out on my own?   Feeling: Lack of confidence/feelings of self-doubt.
This process is so fast that unless we ask ourselves why we feel the way we do and then backtrack to the thoughts we had before we had our feelings, chances are that we may not even recognize the link between our thoughts and our feelings.

         "It began when Teddy was eight and he was told by one of his teachers that he was stupid. 

The class had laughed at him and in the breaks some of the other children kept calling him stupid. Being just a small teddy he didn't know how to deal with it, how to fend himself against it, how to prevent it from taking root in his subconscious. (The first "bar" in his invisible prison) When Teddy's best friend suddenly no longer wanted to spend any time with him and at school ignored him, Teddy felt betrayed and confused and concluded that people can't be trusted. (The second bar in his invisible prison.)

         When Teddy's first love broke off their relationship without giving him any reason for doing so, he concluded that love hurts and that feelings can't be trusted. (The third bar in his invisible prison)

Living in his first share-house with friends Teddy discovered that friends can lie, steal, and cheat without any compunction. (The fourth bar in his invisible prison)

        As the years rolled by, Teddy did the best he could to cope with whatever life threw his way and so more bars were added to his invisible prison. But he didn't do so well because those bars (that he was not even really aware of) interfered with his view of the world and its inhabitants. 

                He struggled with thoughts that told him that he was stupid, that people can't be trusted, that love is painful and unpredictable, that people calling themselves friends are capable of lying, stealing, and cheating, and that he, somehow just wasn't "good enough". However, every now and then Teddy would catch a glimpse of his "bars" and  when he did, he would try to exchange the thoughts that imprisoned him for thoughts that would free him. Because as time passed, he had come to understand that with your thoughts you create your world."

Research into the "placebo effect" has shown just how powerful our thoughts are, even to the extent that in some cases some patients suffering with incurable diseases have been cured using placebo medication or treatments. You know the phrase: "It's all in your mind"...well, very often it is.

What thoughts may pass through our subconscious/unconscious we have little control over, but we do have quite a bit of control over our conscious thoughts, but,... whether we want to exercise that power or not, is up to each of us.

As a person who deals with nasty flashbacks every now and then, I do understand that sometimes one can become overwhelmed and feel utterly powerless in the face of an episode, but as luck would have it, I have a very accomplished and compassionate psychologist that I see who has given me a very useful "tool" to deal with those episodes. (The reason I am bringing this up is that in my view, a flashback is an example of a "wordless" experience grabbing hold of the mind, so even if there were thoughts proceeding the feelings, one would be hard pressed to be able to identify them.)

Just as we can exchange thoughts that affect us negatively, we can also exchange images that do so.

My psychologist told me: "When you have a nasty image (flashback) show up, exchange it for a positive image anchored in the "NOW", because the flashbacks belong to the past and life is lived in the now."

Most in the know would agree that it is our thoughts that lead to our emotions/feelings, and our feelings motivate our actions, and the actions we take will either have the desired outcome or not.

(Change the thoughts and the feelings change, changed feelings often lead to changed actions, and changed actions changes the outcomes.)

I often have a coffee somewhere after I have finished my grocery shopping, and while I drink my coffee I observe people and how they interact. On one such an occasion, a family of four sat down at a table next to me. For the whole half hour I sat there, I did not hear one kind word spoken by the father to his family.......all I could hear were words weaponized by anger. I wondered what kind of thoughts his words would give birth to in his family......

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."  (Buddha)

Words can heal, words can cut....so be careful when you choose them................

Words. When, how, and why humans began to use words to communicate with nobody really knows

although there any number of theories.

Leaving the when, how and why to the experts, let's move on to how we use them.

"Words are seeds that do more than blow around. They land in our hearts and not in the ground.

Be careful what you plant and careful what you say. You might have to eat what you planted one day." (Unknown)

Often what we say and mean and what someone hears and perceives, are two different things.

The words we use, and our interpretations of those words, are coloured by our personal experiences, beliefs, values, and impressions, although commonly we tend to forget that others have their own interpretations and perceptions. 

"Are you saying that I'm lazy?"

"What, NO, I was just asking if you have tried...xyz.....because xyz helped me."

"What do you mean offensive? Are you saying that I am offensive?"

"Sorry, no, I just meant that I find the word ..xyz...offensive."

"That's not what I meant!"

"Well, what did you mean then, because it sounded to me as if you were saying that........"

As a tool for communication, words are perhaps not always all that brilliant because they have to be interpreted and understood through the "filters/interpretations" of both speaker and listener, but an awareness of that we have filters can often be helpful when it comes to our understanding of each other.

Some of you reading this may disagree with me, but in my view vocabulary also plays an important part when it comes to being able to communicate clearly and precisely our thoughts and ideas, opinions and feelings. Ex: That's a nice flower -> that's a nice rose -> that's a nice Tea-rose -> that's a nice cerise coloured Tea-rose .......I'm angry -> I'm angry with myself -> I'm angry with myself because I let myself down -> I'm angry with myself because I failed to live up to my moral code, my belief's, and how I view myself.

I once had an art student who preferred minimalist language: Me: Perhaps if you mix a little warm yellow in the vermillion red, the poppies will stand out a little more against the green background?

Student: No.  Me: Why not?  Student: I don't like it.    Me: What about it don't you like? Can you explain so I can help you find what you are looking for?  Student: No, I just don't like it.

Imagine a doctor asking a patient "what seems to be the problem"and the patient answering "I'm in pain"...chances are that the doctor will insist on more information in order to better understand what might ail the patient. Vocabulary can be a helpful antidote to verbal ambiguity and misunderstandings methinks, especially when it comes to expressing emotions. 

"I'm angry!" ..."What are you angry about?"..."Well, not angry exactly, more frustrated."..."What are you frustrated about?"....Well, not frustrated exactly, more upset."..."What is upsetting you?"..."I am upset about being misunderstood all the time."....

Sticking point: Is talking and communicating the same thing?

One big difference between the two is that one can talk to oneself, but one cannot communicate with oneself, in my opinion.

Another is that communication can be done verbally or non-verbally, talking? not so much.

 Communication is a two-way process, an exchange of ideas, thoughts, information, etc.etc. which can be done in any number of different ways and using different kinds of tools. (Music, art, body-language, sign-language, etc.)

If we are communicating with someone using words, I believe that it is very important to be aware of 

the ambiguity of words and that before we use them,
we consider how they may be received:

       You're wrong!  exchange-> I view it differently........

                            You just don't get it! -> I'm not sure I have explained my view.....

   That's not the truth ->  How do you view it?

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

(Mother Teresa)

"Mean words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes can be ..... truly endless."

(Citizen Z)

"Words can be powerful, 

so when we choose them,

may they be words that;

build rather than destroy,

heal rather than wound,

give rather than take,

soothe rather than cut,

love rather than hate."

(Citizen Z)

The awful predicament of an unquenchable thirst for validation.......

Chicken George, was what he used to be called when I knew him. 

Why he was called that, I have no idea, but what I do know is that he was a very mellow fellow. 

His lilting Caribbean accent, his very colourful clothes, and his attitude of "just take it eeesy mann" made it almost a "mental" holiday to hang out with him.

Well, until one day when he called me and asked if he could stay at my place for a few days because his wife had shown him the door.

"I don't nou what is happening to my wife mann, seems like nothing I do is ever enough," he said as

I opened the door to let him in to my unit.

He dropped his bags on the floor, sat down on the sofa and and let out a heavy sigh.

"George, why don't I make us some coffee and you can tell me what's going on," I said then went into the kitchen to make the coffee.

"See mann, it's like no matter how much I tell her that I love her and the kids, she just doesn't believe me."

Most of us go through times when we feel beset by discontent, discontent with ourselves, with others, with our lives, our jobs, our relationships, etc.etc. and often when we feel this way, we begin to thirst for validation. If he/she/they would only.....then I wouldn't feel this way.

In short, whatever the source for our discontent may be, we often want (or perhaps hope) others to make us feel "better" about ourselves.

According to those in the "know", the need and or desire to be liked and appreciated by others, is a need we all share, and our sense of self-worth is very much linked to that external form of validation.

Feeling that we are seen, heard, and appreciated by others makes us feel good about ourselves and boosts our sense of self-worth. However, if we place most of our sense of worth in the hands of what others think of us, or how much validation others give to us, we may run the risk of : "I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think that I am."

In my opinion, if we base our concept of how we view ourselves (self-worth) on how we think others view us, then we become vulnerable and susceptible to the whims of others opinions of us, which in turn may leave us with an unquenchable thirst for validation.

Problem is, that as well as we need others validation, we also need to be able to validate ourselves.

In order to be able to validate ourselves, we need to aware of our own thoughts and feelings, and to do so we need to find out what they are. What am I feeling and thinking? Where do these feelings and thoughts come from? Why do I feel that I need others approval?

Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us have internal commentaries "talking" to us constantly:

do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that, say this, don't say that, etc.etc. and how we respond to different experiences and situations, is coloured by those internally running commentaries.

Different things influence the content and flavour of those commentaries: our beliefs about ourselves and our world, the mood we are in, past experiences, a critical and pessimistic outlook, and so on to just mention a few possibilities.

According to Chicken George, his wife had had a very difficult childhood and as a result of that she had trust and self-esteem issues. According to him, she needed constant affirmations from him that she was okay. Not having had an easy childhood himself, he often found his wife's constant need for validation annoying and very frustrating. "Why she need all this attention? It drives me crazy sometimes," he told me. 

Getting "attention", can be a quick-fix for a flailing self-esteem, but it can often also create an exponential growth of dependence rather than a true sense of worth. "Only through the internal experience of self-esteem can you assure that your external validation takes the form of a constructive relationship instead of serial attention-seeking." (Psychology today)

I asked Chicken George what attributes his wife had that he loved. "I love how she makes me feel, I love how she looks after me chilren, I love the food she cooks for me you nou. Why is that not enough?"

"Perhaps George, because,.... what you just said is not about her, it's about you and what you feel."

George looked at me quizzically: "What do you mean?"

"Let me ask you the question again differently. What about your wife do you love that has nothing to do with you?"

George sat quiet for a long time and then said: "I love that she is kind, I love that she is interested in so many things, I love that she cares about nature, I love that she nous how to talk to the chilren."

"Mann, I get it nou, she needs to nou that she is loved for who she is not for what she does for me."

George left the next morning to go home. 

Three months later I did a gig(music) with George. As I was carrying my keyboard to the stage, George's wife suddenly came up to me and said: "I don't know what you said to George, but we are back together and our marriage is better than ever. Thank you," and with that she walked away.

It can be difficult to distinguish between attention, validation and approval, at a glance they may seem to be synonymous, but in my view there are subtle differences.

When we seek validation and approval, I believe we do so in order to corroborate that our experience of who we are (our authentic selves) and what we stand for, is what others also see.

When we seek attention, we can be motivated to do so for any number of reasons: we feel left out, we want to share something, we want to be taken notice of, we want admiration, we want others to make us feel good about ourselves because we don't know how to do if for ourselves, etc.etc. so:

 "If you find that you crave validation from others,

then ask yourself: why?

If you find that to feel whole, you need others to approve

then ask yourself: why?

If you find any attention is better than none,

then ask yourself: why?

on the other hand

If the validation you seek comes from within,

then say to yourself: I am thankful

If the approval you need are words from your heart,

then say to yourself: I am loved

If the attention you need is negligible indeed,

then say to yourself: I am whole"

(Citizen Z)

"Freedom on the inside comes when validation from the outside doesn't matter."

(Ritchie Norton)