"Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour"....the power of words

Have you ever experienced times when it seemed as if out of nowhere

suddenly your thoughts had been hi-jacked? Your in bed, almost asleep, up pops a thought..."did I lock the back door? what did he/she mean when he/she said...?  what if ......?  did I turn off the....? etc.etc.

The other night I was awakened by a loud thud coming from my neighbour's unit. Since they had supposedly moved out, I was perplexed as to what was making all the racket at 2:30 in the morning.

My mind was racing. "Thought-bandits" hi-jacked my thinking. Maybe my neighbours had moved out their stuff in order to make space for a meth-lab? (Apparently this happens) Maybe some thieves had broken in and were stealing whatever stuff was still left in the unit? (This happened here in this complex not long ago) What if someone was hurt? A rapid-fire of thoughts and memories of past nocturnal traumatic events flooded my mind. 

How much control to we have over our thoughts? More to the point, where do thoughts actually come from? Apparently, according to Yohan John, NeuroScience PhD, thoughts come from "everywhere and nowhere" and sometimes just "pop up". Huh?  Well, he also says that thoughts come from neural processes and they come from everywhere, as in, the forms and dynamics of thoughts are influenced by everything that has a causal connection with us. (Although science may one day say something else, for now, thoughts for all intents and purposes, are made up of words/language.)

So thoughts are made up of words...so, what are words then made of, or more succinct: what are words?

Wikipedia: "Words are thought(?) of as the smallest meaningful unit of speech that can stand by themselves."

By now you may have come to the conclusion (like me) that thoughts and words both belong to the "we don't really know what they are and or how to efficiently explain them" category.

What we do know on the other hand is that thoughts and the words that make up our thoughts, play a very important part in our lives. We may not have all that much control over some thoughts, as in thoughts that seem to just pop up out of nowhere, but how we respond to the thoughts we have, this we do have the possibility to control to a large extent.

Once a thought grab ahold of us, it can be hard to let it go of it even if we recognize that the thought is making us anxious and or upset. Thoughts are often connected to emotions/feelings, images, past experiences, and one word can at times trigger a flood of different emotions. Although, so can a sound, a smell, an event, etc. (Some say that a smell can be a very powerful memory trigger.) For people who suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or compulsive obsessive disorder, recognizing their "triggers" can be a very important aspect of understanding these disorders and how to find a helpful way to deal with them.

(Struggling with a mild form of PTSD myself, the smell of alcohol, or unexpected thuds in the night, are some of my triggers.)

"Now that we've found love, what are we gonna do with it" sings Heavy D, perhaps one could rephrase that and say: "Now that we have found thoughts that trigger suffering/pain/confusion/fear....what are we gonna do with them?"

Thoughts may be able to just pop up seemingly out of nowhere, but once we are aware of them, in my view, we do have an opportunity to decide how we will respond to them.

A very helpful tool (self-help tool) in my opinion, is "cognitive re-framing". Basically it is looking at an event/situation/memory from a number of different perspectives, as in, seeking alternative interpretations, perceptions, and words to define the experience. Ex: Situation: A man comes home to find his family standing on the road in front of their home burnt to the ground. Thought: I have lost everything. Feeling: sadness, anger, disillusionment, a sense of profound loss.

Same situation but with a different thought from the man. Thought: My family is safe. All I have lost can be replaced. Feeling: Relief, and a sense of gratitude that his loved ones are safe.

"As you think, so shall you become." (Bruce Lee)

And since we use words to think with, then it seems to me that the words we use to think with are very important. Ex: "People should be more considerate of others, because I am." If this is our thinking then it is possible that when people fail to match our perception of what being considerate means, we will feel disappointed/sad/disheartened. Put another way: "I am a considerate person because I believe that being considerate to others is a good thing, whether others view it the same way or not, is up to them."

I have found the phrase- "or put another way"- to be really helpful in finding alternative perspectives on how to define and interpret events/experiences/emotions, .......perhaps you may too?

If a "thought-bandit" (intrusive/maladaptive thought) comes and demands for you to hand over your thoughts, it may be helpful to remember that by changing the words that your thoughts consist of, you have the possibility to change your thoughts, and by doing so, potentially change a negative emotional response into a more positive (life-affirming) one.

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour.

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

(Gandhi)

On owning one's feelings and responses.....

Always on the search for interesting books I often find myself browsing for bargains in second hand shops, and on one such an occasion, I found "Choice Theory" authored by William Glasser M.D. Have you ever used the phrase: "He or she made me feel so angry/frustrated, scared/etc.etc that.....", or "you make me feel......", "they made me feel that I....."?

According to Glasser, Choice Theory explains to us how we choose everything we do, other people can neither make us happy nor unhappy, other people cannot make us feel what we feel. What others offer/gives us, is information, and information in itself is void of feelings. We process the information, then we decide how we will respond to it.

In Glasser's opinion, (as I understand it) understanding that we have the freedom to choose how we will respond to any given information/action or behaviour, offers us an opportunity to respond thoughtfully and deliberately.

I have a feeling that for many of us, digesting the statement that "nobody can make you feel anything" can be a pretty tough task, after all, telling someone "you make me feel...(whatever you are feeling).......is common parlance. If Glasser's Choice Theory is correct, then whatever we are feeling as a response to something, we are responsible for, that is, the ownership of whatever our feelings may be, belongs to us. (If we say to someone "You make me feel so angry!" we are basically handing over the responsibility of our feelings of anger to "You", as in, we didn't choose the anger, the other did.)

 Beginning a sentence with "you make me feel" is often problematic because it tends to sound like an accusation, and more often than not provokes counter-accusations and or antagonism...."I make you feel??? What about what you make me feel??!!"

                   I believe that most of us desire to build and maintain good relationships with people that are important to us, and to do so, it is often helpful to understand that how we express our feelings play an important role as to the quality of our relationships, as well as, understanding that the only person whose behaviour we can control, is our own. 

Most of the time when we communicate, we use words, but the use of words can be problematic ....they have many different interpretations and definitions....let me ask you, what does the word "relationship" mean to you?

The way two or more people/things are connected? A state of connectedness with emotional bonds, close connections with someone/something, being part of and or belonging to a specific someone or something? How we define "relationship" is important in my view, because commonly we have expectations attached to the word....although, those expectations are seldom voiced but more often assumed. "Now that we are in a relationship, I thought you wouldn't....." ..."You're my brother/sister, why did you......?"etc.etc. In my view, for any kind of relationship to flourish, we need to communicate clearly, precisely, and compassionately. (Mind reading is not recommended :)

We can choose our words, we can choose to have eye contact when we speak, we can choose to listen, we can choose at what volume we speak, we can choose to take responsibility for our actions and behaviours aka: "I am sorry that I was irritated/angry/flustered/etc. with you, I am just feeling a bit on edge at the moment".  In my view, caring for those with whom we have a relationship without any inclinations toward "ownership" and or "rightful expectations" is often a helpful approach. (Which, for those of us who are parents, may prove to be a long-lasting battle to overcome.)

Glasser: "To achieve and maintain the relationships we need, we must stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, punish, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticize, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate, and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem."

"When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself."

(Deepak Chopra)

About the image: The rain does not make us use an umbrella, we choose to use one.......or not.

The importance of eye contact......

When you speak with someone, how important is it for you to have eye contact?

Have you ever said to someone: "look me in the eyes when you say that so that I know that you are telling me the truth", or "your mouth says one thing but your eyes says something different", or "can you please take off your sun-glasses so that I can see your eyes?"

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is a "scanner"? With "scanner" I mean a person who constantly shifts his/her gaze... only for split seconds here and there do your eyes connect so you are never really sure if the scanner has actually paid any attention to anything you have said to him/her. (Kids, I have discovered, are masters at noticing when adults are "scanning" rather than interacting. "Look at me when I am talking to you, mum/dad!" they demand, and a tantrum of some kind may often follow if the demand is not met.)

In many Western societies (Eastern societies are different), having eye contact when we speak with someone, shows that we are paying attention and that we are interested in connecting with the person we are speaking with. 

(And vice versa: we often avoid eye contact in situations we may find uncomfortable: the loud drunk on the bus, the screaming child in the super market queue, the man/woman speaking out loud to him/herself in the waiting room, riding an elevator with strangers, etc.etc. aka: "don't make eye contact with strange people".)

For some of us, eye contact can perhaps be experienced as a little bit too "intimate". If the saying "the eyes are the window to the soul" is true, then eye contact can perhaps even be experienced as "intrusive" under certain circumstances. 

According to some inquiries made by those in the "know", we are able to read a person's emotions by just looking in to their eyes, which is perhaps a reason for why so many of us find it uncomfortable to speak to strangers, to speak with people wearing dark glasses, wearing caps with the visors pulled down so the eyes can't be seen, or wearing mirror sun-glasses.

Even if we happen to be shy, there are benefits to having eye contact with those we speak with or listen to, even if it may be a bit challenging.

Through having eye contact when we interact with others, a mutual exchange of respect, attention, appreciation, understanding and acknowledgment can be had, and at times, even without having to utter one word.

Slouched in a chair, tired beyond words, sipping cold, watery coffee from a plastic cup, my eyes gazed around the impersonal hospital waiting room. My son was being attended to by a pediatrician in another room, so I had a few minutes to myself. I looked at my hand holding the plastic cup and noticed that it was still shaking from having spent hours of carrying my son while he was struggling to breathe, to stay alive. In a dimly lit room across from where I was sitting, I saw a man sitting in a chair with a small, sleeping child in his arms. Just like my son, this boy was also hooked up to bags,  bottles, and an assortment of machines. Although my eyes felt like they had saw dust in them and I could barely see, I just couldn't take my eyes of the man and the boy. Suddenly, the man looked straight at me. We locked eyes. In the 20 or so seconds our eyes connected and without speaking even one word, I knew that he knew that I knew what we were both going through. 

Amazing as today's technology is, I can't help but wonder sometimes if we do not spend perhaps too much time gazing at screens rather than in to each others eyes. An i-Thingy may be able to do many things, but as a substitute for face to face, human inter action and connection, comfort and compassion, in my view, an i-Thingy is a poor substitute.

"Sometimes you have to disconnect to stay connected. Remember the old days when you had eye contact during a conversation? When everyone wasn't looking down at a device in their hands? We have become so focused on that tiny screen that we forget the big picture,.... the people right in front of us." (Regina Brett)

Surviving boarding school....one woman's story

For a year or so, I worked in an art gallery. While I was working there, I would sometimes have lunch with some of the others on duty in the gallery. One rainy and very slow day in the gallery, I was told a story by a woman on duty with me that day that made such an impact on me that I had to write it down.

(This is my rendition,  after the application of some "poetic licence".)

Circus Girl

The bell rings, she runs to get ready,

a brush through the hair, heart quite steady.

Socks pulled up, unruly skirt straightened,

eyes thoroughly fixed on the front gate opened.

Five o'clock and she's still there waiting,

the hope of them coming, slowly waning.

Maybe she thinks, they're just running late,

just a few minutes more, and they'll walk through the gate.

As the sun slowly sets and the evening bells chime,

she knows they're not coming, well, not this time.

She returns to her dorm, small suitcase in hand,

why they so seldom come, she can't understand.

She misses the Circus and all her friends there,

she misses the music and the atmosphere.

She misses her father clowning around,

her mother soaring, high above the ground.

Why had they decided to put her in this place,

so harsh so cold, such an unhappy space?

Nuns with stiff clothing and quick to reprimand,

and visiting Fathers with strange demands.

Do the nuns not know what the Fathers do,

behind closed doors, and out of view?

In the dark little room at the top of the stairs,

some Fathers perform, their illicit affairs.

She has decided to be, a brave little girl,

to create for herself, her own little world.

A world in which, she cannot be touched,

by men in robes, driven by lust.

The bell rings, she runs to get ready,

a brush through the hair, heart quite steady.

Socks pulled up, unruly skirt straightened,

eyes thoroughly fixed, on the front gate opened.

In through the gate, the Circus marches,

filling the air, with music and laughter.

Home, she thinks, has now come for me,

and home is where I, really want to be.

************

The woman who told me the story is an artist who specializes in creating masks. The masks she creates are highly sought after by many professional performers in the theater, ballet, musicals, operas, etc.etc. When I asked her why she creates masks, she told me that wearing a "mask" was how she survived her years at boarding school. Though it may seem a bit fantastical, she really did grow up in the circus. Her mother was a trapeze artist, and her father a clown.