The bane of bullying..........

 

According to some statistics, 80 % of us have experienced some form of bullying during our school years. (It may be different in some cultures)

But before I go on, let me offer my definition of bullying: "deliberately being cruel to someone, and or a group of people, for any reason, using whatever means", .....and, in my view,...

the responsibility for the bullying behaviour rests solely with the bully.

Being the victim of bullying can have devastating, long-lasting effects, effects that the victim can struggle with from early childhood to late adulthood. Bullying does not only take place in schools however, but also in homes, workplaces, institutions such as the police force, the military, teaching institutions, actually, to make a long list short:....it seems it takes place almost anywhere where groups of humans congregate.

(Some say: "bullies are not born, they are made" which I take to mean that a bully is someone who is or has been bullied themselves.)

Why does someone become a bully? Some suggestions: there may be self-esteem issues, personality issues, and issues with understanding emotions, how they function, and how to control them.

A bullies thought processes and emotional reactions, some say, differ greatly to non-bullying persons.

Often they have a rather negative interpersonal view and easily misinterpret others behaviour towards them, often with the result of an emotional "flare up". (hostility, anger)

Sadly, those who are childhood bullies, commonly enough go on to become bullies as adults.

Although, as adults, they are not perhaps as overt as child-bullies.

Examples: "Can't you take a joke?....OH, don't be so sensitive.......Just grow a pair......Don't be such a sissy........I'm the boss, just do as I tell you.......Get over it......What's the matter, can't you take a little criticism?....etc. etc....."  When working in a warehouse, the bullying went so far that they fiddled with the steering wheel in my car and I almost crashed it on the way home from work one day. When I confronted the perpetrators the next day they laughed and said: "What? Can't to you take a joke?"

They also lied, stole things from me, spread rumours, not to mention all the insidious and hurtful remarks they made to me constantly. Although the ringleader was the warehouse manager, the others went along.... scared that if they didn't, they would lose their jobs..... I guess.

Which brings me to this: "In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

For me, what hurt the most was not the bullying that the warehouse manager inflicted, rather, what was upsetting me the most was that my work "mates"  played along.... yet behind the managers back, they constantly complained to me how awful he was at his job.

When we are bystanders we are sending the message that the bullying is okay, and so it continues.

It seems to me, that a bully loves an audience, and when we remain silent while someone is being bullied, we empower the bully. Standing up to a bully is understandably scary....they are bullies because they are good at saying and doing things that are hurtful, cruel and intimidating.

Perhaps you have found yourself in a situation in which someone was being bullied? 

What were your thoughts?

"It's none of my business.......I don't want to get involved......Why should I say something, nobody else is....... Why doesn't he/she stand up for herself?... If I say something the bully will just turn on me, and I don't want to deal with that..."

Or perhaps you thought: "Right, I hate bullies so I am gonna have a say.....Looks like he/she could do with a friend, I better say /do something.......I believe in helping the underdog, better do something.....etc. etc."

Or perhaps in such a situation you would just walk away?

Some say that the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore him/her.

I am not sure that it is the best way, but it certainly is one way.

Sometimes that is not an option however.....some bullies just try that bit harder to intimidate their target and being ignored may be experienced by him/her as an extra incentive, a challenge to meet.

For a long time I "ignored" the warehouse manager's intimidation and constant snide remarks, but eventually I found myself having troubles falling asleep at night, knowing that the next day it would all start up again.  Gnawing at me, was the feeling that somehow by not responding, I was letting myself down. I abhor bullying, and having experienced it through most of my school years, I finally decided to make a stand, come what may. I decided to take my "power" back, made an appointment to see the company boss, and then without compromising my principles on what constitutes being a decent human being, I quit with the words: "don't ever mistake kindness for weakness".

If you are being bullied, may I suggest that you address it, but be assertive, not aggressive. If you see someone else being bullied, may I suggest that you address it, but be assertive, not aggressive. If you think that perhaps you are a bully, may I suggest that you address it.

There is perhaps a positive aspect to dealing with bullying as an adult as opposed to being a child;

you have more life experience and you can chose if you want to confront it, walk away from it, or ignore it, .....doing what is "right" for you and in accordance with your guiding life principles.

 “One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” (Michael J. Fox)

 

“Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.” (Theodore Roosevelt)

 

“Don’t turn your face away.
Once you’ve seen, you can no longer act like you don’t know.
Open your eyes to the truth. It’s all around you.
Don’t deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you.

Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance.
Now that you’re aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don’t care.
To be concerned is to be human.
To act is to care.”
(Vashti Quiroz-Vega)