(Usually I write a new post every Monday, but the last few weeks have been very difficult so I have found it hard to sit down and peacefully write a post. Alas, I will now try to collect my thoughts and write something....hopefully something you may enjoy.)
The sun was setting over the city throwing a tangerine tint on the rooftops, glass windows, and the many steel structures. After having spent the last two hours speaking virtually non-stop, their conversation started to wane with more and more empty minutes inserting themselves between words.
In the kitchen the café staff were busy preparing tomorrow's menu, and bar the occasional laughter, the coffee shop was draped with a coat of stillness.
Playing idly with a spoon while slowly sipping his lukewarm coffee, he decided to say something.
"So, what's your opinion on the commonly used term 'closure'?
She turned her head to the left, tilted it slightly, and as if there was an invisible screen in the top left corner, she kept staring at that corner for what seemed to him to be ages before she answered.
"Hmmm, let me see....if by closure you mean a closed door, or a 'full stop', then no, I find it hard to believe that us humans are able to shut the door absolutely on anything that we have experienced.
I have a feeling that for most of us, the door between what was and what is to come is always slightly ajar."
He looked at her quizzically, stroked his short beard, then asked: "So, closure is more like a 'comma' than a 'full stop' then?
A wry smile spread across her face.
"I guess one could say that....like chapters in a book....... the story continues....and like a snowball picks up more snow as it rolls down the hill, we pick up and add more experiences as our lives keep evolving."
He sat silent for a minute stroking his beard then let out a huh before he spoke:
"For me closure means 'letting go'. I mean, something ends and to move forward one has to let go.
Like when my wife and I finally signed the divorce papers...that was a full stop for me."
"And is it still a full stop?" she asked.
"Well, thinking about it from your perspective, perhaps it is more of a comma than a full stop. A lot of the experiences I shared with my ex are still with me I guess... Let me see now, the experiences we have teach us things, yeah? So although the relationship is over, what stays with us is what we have learnt from those experiences and that's why a comma and not a full stop?" said the man.
"Well, that's how I see it anyway. The word 'closure' is bandied about quite often and like with many other ambiguous terms, I have a feeling that our definition of closure is a very individual and personal one", she said and smiled then continued ....."so how does one find closure for things for which there may be no easy answer?"
"Such as what?" he quickly retorted.
"Soldiers missing in action, children born with all sorts of fatal illnesses, unexpected natural disasters, accidents, people suddenly 'falling out' of love, to mention a few. How do the parents of a soldier find closure when he/she is missing presumed dead? How do we find closure to our traumatic childhoods, or feelings of guilt for things we've said or done in the past we now regret, or the loss of someone we loved dearly?"
"Hmmmm.....not sure, do you have any suggestions?" he asked suddenly realising that he was no longer really sure that he himself knew what his definition of closure was.
"Well, I agree with you that 'letting go' is probably an important aspect of closure, but how one goes about doing so is perhaps a very individual thing. Each of us may have to define for ourselves what closure would entail, but I think we may all have to begin with some self-reflection," said the woman.
"And with that you mean...?" he asked.
"Assessing yourself, your actions, your character, your behaviour, your thoughts, and so on...basically put, exercising some introspection" she answered and then continued: "for me, closure begins with me seriously wanting to let go of something that hurts, which means not hoping and waiting for someone else to fix it, rather, the responsibility for the letting go is squarely up to me. Next, I try to look for positive outcomes that I hope will come from letting go as in; how things will change in a positive and life affirming way, but if there is sadness involved with the closure, then I allow myself to feel sad for however long time it takes rather than deny those feelings. Bearing in mind however, to make sure that I am not getting stuck in the sadness. My brother was a soldier who was declared 'missing in action presumed dead' and because there was no absolute certainty, for years we all clung to the hope that he would be found alive. Eventually I could no longer cope with the uncertainty so I decided to find some closure regardless. I decided that until he actually showed up in person, he was dead which made it possible for me to finally grieve and eventually let him go. Leaving the door ajar, I guess you could say", she said and smiled.
After she spoke those last words none of them said anything for a long time.
Only when one of the waitresses came out from the kitchen and told them that they were closing did the man and the woman stir. They paid their bill and walked out into the night.
"Before you go your way and I go mine, can I just ask one more thing? said the man.
"Sure" the woman answered.
"The way you see it, closure is not an absolute event, because our experiences remain with us and perhaps keep affecting us in different ways even after we have "closed the book"? Or, put another way; the "door "is never totally shut, but rather ajar because the past affects the future in one way or another?"
"Sure, why not? Anyway, I must dash. Nice talking with you, take care."
And with that she walked away.
The man turned up his coat collar, took at deep breath and with a smile on his face started his long walk home.
“...closure, that impossible thing that no one had ever experienced in life, because there always seemed to be a little aperture, a slit of light.” (Meg Wolitzer)
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