Feeling sad?.....perhaps this will help...

What is so "wrong" with feeling sad sometimes?

"Why are you looking so sad, surely it can't be that bad?" Why that sad look on your face?" "Smile, don't look so sad." etc.

Is sadness something to avoid? To clarify, being depressed and being sad, in my view, are very different issues. Feeling sad is a common experience that most of us experience at times, depression is an illness. (So say those in the know) Sadness is not an illness, just a common human response to experiences in life that are upsetting.

Sadness is often viewed as a "negative" emotion and to be avoided, but, is it really?

With the help of fMRI machines and brain research, scientists have been able to delve deeper into what sadness actually is, and how it affects us. What some research is suggesting is that there are actually some "positive" aspects to feeling sad at times, suggesting that there are some adaptive functions involved in periodical experiences of sadness.

 Research suggests that sadness can help us to observe details more clearly, become less judgemental, become more compassionate, and to become more resilient. The suggested explanation for this is that a "positive" mood signals "all is well", whereas a "negative" mood signals for us to stay alert and vigilant. In short, when we feel "up" we pay less attention, when we feel "down", we stay attentive.

Professor Forgas, suggests that all moods; positive and negative; have a purpose, although culturally the emphasis predominately weighs in on the side of the positive. Which, in my view is not terribly helpful because it can be easy to come to the conclusion that feeling sad is unnecessary and a sign of emotional vulnerability. When asked the question "what do you most want in life?" many of us commonly answer "to be happy", but does being happy mean that there are never any moments when we may be experiencing feelings of sadness? A person can be a "happy" person, but while watching a "sad" movie experience a fleeting moment of sadness, a person can be a happy person, but while listening to a sad piece of music, temporarily feel sad, and so on. Human beings come with a large range of emotions, and according to psychologist Lyn Everingham: "It is important to recognise that it's completely natural to have both high and low moods. Life throws different things at us. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel sad or upset after you have had a bad day or something hasn't worked out the way you wanted."

Feeling sad in response to experiences that we find difficult (in my view), is not a sign of failure to cope, rather, it can help us to process and work through our experiences .....as they say: joy is a friend, but sadness a teacher.

(Prolonged sadness, sadness that affects most aspects of your life, and interferes with your ability to go about your every-day activities however, is depression, and may require you to seek assistance from a health professional.)

 

Acknowledging when or if, we are feeling sad, we have the chance to prevent our feelings from potentially transforming into anger, bitterness, hopelessness and or helplessness. Suppressing our feelings of sadness and putting on a "happy face" because we feel/think friends, family, society, etc. expects us to, can change our feelings of sadness into anger and resentment.

Sadness is something very personal and inward directed, anger on the other hand, often ends up affecting those around us.

Having lunch with my family in a coffee shop, heart pounding and feeling quite nauseous, I decided to tell my folks the truth; I was feeling very sad. Since a kid, my choice of expression for my sadness was through music, not words, but it suddenly dawned on me that every time I felt sad, I also felt angry. So, I decided to make a change and talk about it. After I had told them that I felt very sad, there was silence and my folks looked very bewildered. Quietly, my mother asked me why I felt sad.

Hesitantly, I told my mother and father about my battles with sadness, but as I did, I could feel the anger lifting.

Sadness, just like happiness, in my view, are transitory states, they come and they go, and they each bring gifts. Experiencing sadness can help us to expand our sense of compassion, empathy, and understanding of the human condition. Experiencing happiness can help us to feel calm, generous, peaceful, and content.

If you feel sad, share your sadness with someone, if you feel happy, share your happiness with someone.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”    

(Jonathan Safran Foer)

 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” (Martin Luther KIng Jr.)

Father, my Father....

 

Father, my Father, can you hear the battle drums?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voices raised in supplication?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of love pleading for your intervention?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of reason beseeching you to speak?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of hope fading and needing your strength?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of compassion reaching out to you for support?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of peace imploring you to heed its call?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of harmony petitioning for you to intercede?

 

 Father, my Father, the battle drums are becoming louder,

the storm clouds in the sky are growing ever larger,

fears and tears, rise up, threatens our hearts to devour.

Father, my Father, please hear us as we pray

For Love to find the way.

 

(Although I am using the word "Father" in this poem, feel free to exchange it for another word you may feel is more applicable for you.......  The idea for the poem is inspired by a poem by Goethe called Der Erlkonig in which a son asks his father: "My father, my father, do you not hear what the Erlking promises me?"  Who exactly, the Erlking is, ..... is open to interpretation.  Alternatively, perhaps this poem could go something like this:

"People, people, can you hear the voices of love, reason, hope, compassion, peace, and harmony, reaching out for us to hear them? People, people, let us try to let Love show us the way.")

 

Love hopes.....in spite of.....

Change perspective, and the world changes......

 

As long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by kaleidoscopes.

A kaleidoscope, is a cylinder, containing a few mirrors and loose, coloured bits of beads, glass, pebbles, etc.  and when held up towards the light while looking through a peephole, using a simple twisting motion, can display an endless amount of new and exciting images. (By chance I came across a kaleidoscope that was only 3 cm's long, yet, through the very tiny(!) peephole amazing images were displayed)

One night, it dawned on me that perhaps a kaleidoscope could be used as a metaphor.

(metaphor = "a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance" Dictionary.com)

Change perspective (=a twist on the kaleidoscope) and a new image appears. Same "bits", just configured differently.

For many of us, changing perspective can be challenging. Changing perspective can perhaps be likened to "changing the window through which you view the world."

Before attempting to change perspectives, it may be helpful to consider the sources of your perspectives. What, or who, or both, influence your perspective? Your family, media, your work place, friends, etc.? Does the thought of changing and or broadening your perspectives make you feel insecure, unsettled, challenged, or does it make you feel stimulated?

Change, for many of us, can be scary, unsettling and very challenging, and broadening our perspectives, for many of us can be experienced as inviting more uncertainty.

Uncertainty, considered by many as the "bane of humanity" can also be viewed: "Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow." (Tony Schwartz)

One way that can assist us in broadening our perspectives, is to ask different questions to those we may usually ask: instead of "why me?", ask "why not me?", instead of "there's only one way to see it" ask "are there other ways to see this?", instead of "It's black or it's white" ask "how many different kinds of grey are there?", instead of "it's either wrong or it's right", ask "is it possible that it's neither wrong nor right, rather, that it depends on the perspective taken?"

One person looks at the moon and sees wonder, another sees the natural satellite of earth, one person looks at Vincent Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and sees indescribable beauty, another sees pigments on a canvas, one person looks at a baby and sees innocence and joy, another sees sleepless nights and mountains of diapers, one person looks at bird in flight and sees elegance, another sees bird poop on the new car that destroys the lacquer, one person looks at a gateaux and sees a delicious cake, another sees calories and weight gain, and so on..    Neither view is incorrect.....just a matter of perspective.

Sometimes entertaining a different perspective of a situation can change a problem into an opportunity, an enemy into a potential friend, a difficult experience into a learning experience, a hard learned lesson into a broadening understanding of compassion, and so on.

"The only thing you sometimes have control over, is perspective. You don't have control over your situation, but you have a choice of how you view it." (Chris Pine)

Change your perspective, and the world changes.

"Everything we hear, is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." (Marcus Aurelius)

 

A kaleidoscope uses the same "bits", but each twist, produces a completely new, and fresh vision.

If you have never used a kaleidoscope, let me encourage you to find one and have a look.

(Most toy stores sell them for a few coins)

The benefits of expressing yourself.......

 

"Express yourself" sang Madonna and rapped N.W.A.

Commonly, "to express ourselves", means to share our feelings, thoughts, experiences, views, etc. with others. (This may be done with words, art in any form, etc.)

Some suggest that "expressing ourselves" is something us humans do because we are social beings and we want others to know what we think and feel, just like we want to know what others think and feel. Some also suggest that prehistoric humans discovered that there were advantages in hunting in groups and to do so, they needed to communicate, hence, people needed to express themselves.

For some of us, to express ourselves comes easy, yet, some of us may find expressing ourselves quite difficult, some of us feel that it is important to express ourselves, some of us feel that it is important to express ourselves when we feel we have something important to express.....

Personally, I don't believe that it is helpful to try to determine how much "expressing ourselves" is "normal" or some such, because I don't believe it is possible to establish a "norm" in this case, however, if a person longs to express something that is important to them, but can't seem to do so because of fear of (as an example) rejection, then it may be helpful to find possible ways of overcoming such fear.

Some examples of fears:

You may find it hard to express yourself because it may: cause conflict, you may come across as weak (in your view), you may have self-doubt (what if I am wrong?), you don't believe it would make a difference, you don't know if you are emotionally strong enough to deal with a discussion, you're worried that what you say may come out wrong, etc.

If you want to be able to express yourself more, as in; sharing your thoughts/feelings/opinions;

perhaps a good starting point may be to try to pinpoint the reasons for why you find it difficult? (It may be helpful to spend a few minutes thinking about it and jotting down some ideas)

A good thing to remember when expressing yourself is that the manner in which you speak, is just as  important as the words you use. "You're dead wrong, that's not how it is!" in my view is like a battle cry....expect turbulence...."I hear what you are saying, but I disagree with you, and the reason I am disagreeing is........." usually keep the lines open. "You know I am sensitive about.......so why do you have to bring it up?!!" exchange with "This subject is sensitive to me, can we change subject, please?"

If you want to, or feel you need to, express your thoughts on a relationship (any kind) issue, but you fear that a conflict may arise, it may be helpful to choose the time and place carefully (as in, when the other person is relaxed), as well as how to express your views in a calm and clear manner.

Regardless of how we express ourselves, whether through words, music, art, dance, etc., others will respond to it from their point of understanding, and this may mean a discussion, heated words, conflict, and so on. If we express our thoughts, views, and or our feelings, etc., people may disagree, but in my view, that does not mean that they are not valid for you,

just as you may disagree with others does not mean that their views, feelings, thoughts, are not valid for them.

By expressing ourselves, others get a chance of gaining an understanding/insight, to who we are and what is important to us...just as we gain insight and understanding into what is important to others when they express themselves. 

 "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways." (Sigmund Freud)

(Commonly, we use words to express ourselves, but there are other ways: painting, sculpting, photography, music, dancing, etc.etc. and for some of us, these may be preferable options.)

 

   "A picture paints a thousand words."

 

"Art invites us to become explorers and excavators of our vast internal landscapes, discovering new terrain and digging deep into the past to unearth forgotten experiences and emotion." (Jaeda DeWalt)

 

 “Dance is the hidden language of the soul.” (Martha Graham)

"Be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be."

 (Henry David Thoreau)

"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."

(Noam Chomsky)

 

Good thoughts are powerful........

 

For some of us, prayer is wasting time with something which has no supporting scientific evidence, and for others, it's a way for us to connect on a deeper level with something bigger and meaningful beyond ourselves. Religion, is commonly associated with prayer, but as far as I can ascertain; prayer need not necessarily involve some form of deity, although, usually it does.

Prayer, in my view, contains two aspects: the internal aspect: self reflection and self awareness,

the external aspect: our sense of connection with something bigger than the self.

Some of us may perhaps view prayer as wishful thinking; "Please, let me win lotto,.... Please, bring my kid home safely,....Please, help the doctors to find out what's wrong with my partner", etc. I read somewhere: "When the ship is sinking, or our child is missing, or we suddenly find a strange lump on our body,... most of us, religious or not, start praying." Wishful thinking, though often viewed as somewhat pointless, still has merit I believe, because it contains hope.

Some research suggest that there are a number of beneficial aspects to prayer, such as:

it offers a sense of optimism and hope, it can assist us in focusing our attention on positive outcomes,

it can help us stay calm and hopeful in the midst of a trying situation.

I used to watch "N.Y.P.D Blue" and in the show a phrase kept popping up: "I'll be thinking good thoughts for you." The main characters in the show would use this phrase if someone was experiencing a loss, a difficult situation, injury, some kind of mental anguish, pain, suffering, etc.

This had me intrigued....was this phrase used as an alternative to: "I'll be praying for you?"

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed as if both terms essentially meant hope for something positive and good to eventuate. "I'll be thinking good thoughts for you", as in, "I will be focusing my thoughts on optimism, hope, and strength, for you to overcome this difficult time in your life".

The difference between the two phrases, I concluded was that "I'll be thinking good thoughts for you" involved the individual saying those words offering their hope and optimism as a support, whereas "I'll be praying for you" involves the individual saying those words offering their faith in something outside of themselves intervening and assisting in supporting the person in pain.("I am the go-between, and I will bring your situation to him/her/that/it , and him/her/that/it, will assist and support you.")

The person offering their personal thoughts of optimism and support, or the person offering optimism and support with the assistance of something outside of themselves, are both hoping for something positive and helpful to be the result.

As far as media is concerned, earth is in a mess it seems. The ratio of "good news" verses "bad news" that is bombarding our retinas and ear drums non-stop, seems to me to be very much on the side of the "bad".  Stories of wars, famines, conflicts, starvation, desolation, people running for their lives from their homes to protect their families, boats full of people sinking, the planet groaning from the effects of a careless mankind, etc.etc. are constantly emblazoned across the screens.

So what can you and I do about it?

Pray? Think good thoughts?

According to some research; negative emotions and thoughts, limits our ability to see options, positive emotions and thoughts, does the opposite. (Barbara Fredrickson)

If our emotions and thoughts are predominantly focused on "bad" news/situations/emotions, it can be easy to get stuck in feeling powerless and helpless to affect any change for the better/positive.

If, on the other hand, even in the face of the onslaught of all the bad "stuff", we seek out that which is life affirming, hopeful, positive, good, and give it some of our attention, we may be able to find some hope and in doing so, generate some positive emotions and thoughts.

And that's the good thing with thinking good thoughts, and prayer in my view.

Both are directed towards something happening/changing for the better. (better: more positive, a life affirming outcome) Even if a person does not believe in praying to a deity or something of the kind, a person can still think good thoughts and share them with others and in doing so, spread some positivity that generates more hope. And for a person who believes in prayer, thinking and sharing good thoughts not based on the faith in some form of deity/similar, can also spread some positivity that generates more hope. Optimism, positivity, and hope, may I suggest, is available to us all, with or without any belief system that includes a deity of some sort.

Good thoughts, are like little rays of light; no darkness is dark enough to withstand them no matter how small they are.

"Optimism is the most important human trait, because it allows us to evolve our ideas, to improve our situation, and to hope for a better tomorrow." (Seth Godin)

 

Christopher Hitchens, a self professed atheist, quoted this from the Bible at his fathers funeral: "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

For you, reading this right now, I am sending many good thoughts.