Expectations are heavy to carry around with you.........

 

This is Tessie, a female version of Teddy. (A cartoon figure I invented some time ago and who appears on this blog every now and then)

Tessie is carrying big bags full of expectations. (Expectations can be heavy although we may at times not be aware of carrying big bags full of them.)

What are expectations? Here are some suggestions: suppositions, assumptions, conjectures, calculations, projections, beliefs, etc.. Made short: a strong belief that something is going to happen,  may happen, or should/ought to happen.

So, how does one identify expectations, and how are expectations different from just wanting something to happen/be a certain way?

Personally, I feel that with expectations there is a "sting in the tail" so to speak; failing to meet/live up to others or our own expectations can be perilous and may potentially involve some form of punitive outcomes. Examples: I want to win the race - I expect to win the race (If I don't, I have failed), I want to do my best - I expect to do my best (If I don't, I have failed), I want to loose weight - I expect to loose weight (If I don't, I have failed) , I want to please my folks/teachers/friends/partner - I expect of myself to please my folks/teachers/friends/partner (If I don't, I have failed) and so on. Or, I want you to love me (because I love you) - I expect of you to love me (because I love you, you have to love me), I want you to respect me (your respect means a lot to me) - I expect of you to respect me (people should respect each other).

So, where do our expectations come from? Here are some suggestions: a) from our nurturing environment; parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives, care givers, etc. people who are our immediate role models as we grow  b) the society in which we are members: friends, schools, neighbourhood's, clubs, work places, media of varying kinds c) personal experiences and our interpretations of them.

These interpretations commonly become the foundation of our belief systems, that is; our beliefs about what we deem wrong and right, true and false. I often find that the word "should" (or versions thereof) seems to pop up when a belief system is involved: people should, they should, you should, I should, or, people shouldn't, they shouldn't, you shouldn't, I shouldn't. (The use of should or shouldn't can cause all sorts of problems considering how many different belief systems there are.)

Expectations often feel so true and so right, that we often do not question their validity, or where they came from in the first place. "What do you mean, you don't want to follow in your father's footsteps? Son's in this family have always followed in their father's footsteps, and that's what you should do too." "What? You don't want any kids? Women in this family always raise large families, and so should you." "Now, son, I expect you to make the team, or "Lucy, I expect you to get an A on that test", or "I expected the best from you", of course it goes the other way as well: "Wow, I never expected you to ace that test, get that job, get elected, win that comp, loose so much weight, get that girl, get that guy", etc..
Often we have expectations of ourselves that keeps pushing us to such an extent that we become stressed in the process of trying to meet our expectations. "I should have done it faster, better, bigger, smaller, sooner, later, I should be slimmer, I should be taller, I should be more talkative, I should be more sociable etc." or "I shouldn't eat so much, smoke so much, drink so much, talk so much, work so much", etc.... (insert here what you think you should or shouldn't do)......

Expectations, in my view, are not helpful, what I do find helpful on the other hand is to ask myself questions such as: "What are my expectations? How realistic are they? Are they my expectations or are they expectations I think I should have? Are my expectations inline with others belief systems?"

When we cling to our expectations of others and of our selves, we form attachments to specific outcomes, and if the outcomes are different to those we envisaged, we often feel disappointed.

If we, on the other hand, let go of the expectation that others should think and feel the way we do (most of us tend to have this expectation), view things the way we do, or agree with our opinions, then others differing opinions, and expectations, rather than disappointing us, may offer us an opportunity to broaden our spectrum of understanding. 

If we give ourselves the time to reflect on what our expectations are and how we came to hold them, then we may be able to discard those that rather than serve us, disturb us.

 

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are."
 (Donald Miller)

 

"When you stop expecting yourself to be perfect, you can like yourself for who you are." (Citizen Z)