Do you look people in the eyes when you are speaking with them or are you a "scanner"?

When you speak with people, do you look them in the eyes?

I don't know if this is a "real" term, but it's a term I use: "scanners"

What is a scanner? Someone who barely keeps eye contact with you while you are speaking with them. (In some countries it may be construed as rude and disrespectful to look someone in the eyes while speaking, but for the purpose of this post, I am writing from a Western Cultural point of view, that is; to not look someone in the eyes while speaking is commonly considered rude and disrespectful. Sometimes it may even be viewed as a sign of dishonesty, that the person is hiding something, and that something shifty is going on.)

Some of us may be quite shy and find it some what confrontational to hold eye contact, but when I speak of scanners, I do not refer to shy people, rather, I refer to people who keep looking over your shoulder, looking at their phones, looking at other people, basically looking at anything that moves when you are speaking with them.

Now, some people do this quite discretely/covertly and because they are genuinely curious, but a scanner, does it very overtly.

Example: You meet up with a friend for a catch up. You are excited about sharing what is new with you and to hear what is new with your friend. While you are speaking, your friend's attention darts from checking the phone, to sending text messages, to looking at the people around you, to "scanning" people coming and going, constantly making comments about what he/she sees. Your eyes barely meet and you have no idea if your friend has heard anything you have said. In a situation like this, many of us would probably begin to think that we are uninteresting, talk too much, or thoughts of that nature.

Why is eye contact important? Having eye contact we show the person we are speaking with that we are interested in what they have to say; they have our attention. (Sometimes a connecting look between eyes can offer a wordless expression of sympathy, compassion, understanding, sincerity, and appreciation.)

Many emotions can be communicated with our eyes; surprise, fear, anger, joy, anxiety, love, happiness, etc.. As they say: "The eyes are a window to our soul."

 Eye contact, in my view, is important because it says: I see you.

A few years ago I had a very talented music student, but I was never sure of exactly how much of what I was trying to teach him actually was received by him. At first I couldn't pinpoint why I felt that way until I realised that he was a "scanner". While I was trying to explain and show him different techniques and methods, his eyes never connected with mine. His eyes were darting here, there, and everywhere, and only at the briefest of moments, did our eyes connect. Finally I brought this up with him. He took what I said on-board (thankfully) and stopped scanning, and after that conversation our music lessons became much more constructive for both of us.

Jim Elliot has this to say: "Wherever you are, be all there." My personal opinion is that when we engage in eye contact we are saying:  "I am here, you have my attention".

If you are a person who find eye contact difficult, perhaps it may be helpful to find out why that is?

If you are a person who find it hard to focus all your attention on the person you are speaking with, and more often than not find yourself scanning, perhaps it may be helpful to find out why?

 

"What we learn only through the ears makes less impression upon our minds than what is presented to the trustworthy eye." (Horace (BC 65-8) Latin lyric poet.)

 

(ps. about the painting: it is photo shopped, the original is in colour. I like to experiment. :)