Do you know who you are? Ponderings on the Self.....

 

How do you see yourself?

As one entity/being, or as one being comprised of different parts?

Perhaps you have an emotional self, a logical self, a life-experienced self, and a curious self?

Perhaps other self's as well?

A situation arises, your emotional self responds with deep felt concern, your logical self gives you rational explanations/reasons, your life-experienced self reminds you of similar situations, and your curious self asks: what if?

I live in a society in which logic and reason often is viewed as a preferred approach as how to view or think about things. Emotions often get a bad rap and we are encouraged to harness them as much as we can. Logic and reason trumps emotions, seems to be the underlying message.

We are warned not to be too emotional, or overly emotional, but I don't think I have ever heard the terms too logical, or overly logical, used.

Besides, what amount of emotional response is the right amount, and who decides such?

Do we all have an essential self (authentic/core) beneath our narratives and memories, our habits and emotional responses?

After ploughing my way through a number of books on the Self, I can't say that I am any wiser.

Hence my suggestion of the self as comprising of at least an emotional self, a logical self, a life-experienced self, and a curious self.

With the help of the curious self, we can explore alternate/new ways of seeing/ experiencing things, with the help of our life-experienced self we can recognise and identify patterns in our behaviours and reactions, with the help of our logical self we can adjust our way of thinking about things/experiences, and with the help of our emotional self we can stay in touch with our feelings.

(Although, perhaps we do experience those different self's as one core self.)

I have on occasion heard it said: "If people would just be less emotional, then there would be less conflicts" which may be true to a certain extent, although in order to find compromises and solutions to conflicts necessitates the use of emotions. (compassion, empathy, patience, etc..)

Logic and rational reasoning can be very useful when it comes to dealing with conflict, but logic and rational reasoning without compassion, understanding, and patience, often misses the mark because facts and logical reasoning alone is often not enough to sway someone's opinions or beliefs.

(Try telling a seven year old the logic of having a bath before going to bed when he knows he will get dirty again the very next day.)

The way we view our life-experienced self, has far reaching tendrils into both our emotional and logical self's.... so may I suggest that we process our experiences with the help of them.

And for the curious-self.....it asks: what if?

"Last time I experienced...xxx....such and such happened, but what if I had thought things through logically before I responded, maybe there would have been a different outcome?"

So, how do you see yourself?

Like a car; you don't know the ins and outs of how it works, you just fill it with gas and know how to drive it, and if it breaks down you take it to someone to have it fixed?

Or perhaps you see yourself as a never ending puzzle; piece by piece, who you are becomes more and more clear to you?

I will let Vironica Tugaleva have the last word:
 

"You are not who you think you are. You are not your fears, your thoughts, or your body. You are not your insecurities, your career, or your memories. You're not what you're criticized for and you're not what you're praised for. You are a boundless wealth of potential. You are everything that's ever been. Don't sell yourself short. Every sunset, every mountain, every river, every passionate crowd, every concert, every drop of rain - that's you. So go find yourself. Go find your strength, find your beauty, find your purpose. Stop crafting your mask. Stop hiding. Stop lying to yourself and letting people lie to you. You're not lacking in anything except awareness. Everything you've ever wanted is already there, awaiting your attention, awaiting your time." (Vironica Tugaleva)

 

"Where do I find a true home", he asked. "In your own heart", answered the old man.

 

This is the way Stockholm looked when I left for Australia. Colourful, deep autumn hues, mysterious afternoon light, crisp air, and entirely enchanting.

My intention was to visit Australia for six months, but alas...., I am still here 30 odd years later.

My first impression of Australia can be summed up in two words: brown and hot.

A week or so later, I could add another word: deadly.

Seemed to me that there was an insurmountable amount of insects, creepy crawlers, snakes, creatures in the water, in the air, and on land, who all could potentially kill you.

But, and there was a big but, the people seemed very friendly, easy going, and once I saw the ocean, the long stretching beaches, the palm trees, and the blue, blue sky, I could add another word: enticing.

I have now lived here in Australia much longer than I lived in Sweden, but if someone asks me where "home" is, I still find it hard to give a definitive answer.

I can give an address, but "home" seems to be so much more than that. "Home is where the heart is" so wrote Pliny the Elder, or perhaps "My home is in my heart"?

Some suggest that "home is where you feel free to be yourself", "home is where you feel safe", or "home is not a place, home is people".

On the other hand, home may be the place where you grew up, it may be a building, a community, etc. or perhaps it may be all of the above?

 "The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." (Maya Angelo) 

Perhaps, home is less about where we are, and more to do with who we are?

Could it be possible to be homeless in a physical sense yet still have a meta-physical home?

Like a snail brings its "home" with it everywhere (thinking of one with a shell), do we have a "shell" as well that we bring with us although it is not of the physical but rather the meta-physical kind?

(the heart =shell)

If "Home is where your heart is", then where ever we are, or where ever we go, we will always have our homes with us. For me, this sounds very comforting, because there may be times in our lives when we may have to leave (for any number of reasons) the place that we have considered to be our physical home, and find ourselves a new one. Some of us may have experiences of our physical homes as chaotic, and unhappy places, then if our homes are in our hearts, then perhaps we can leave those chaotic, and unhappy places behind, and find ourselves somewhere else where we can feel safe and at peace.

At its most basic, may I suggest that a home is a shelter.

(A shelter; "something beneath, behind, or within which a person, animal, or thing is protected.")

 Somewhere to hang your hat, somewhere to put your feet up, somewhere to rest, somewhere to eat a meal, somewhere to gather your thoughts, somewhere to be with your nearest and dearest, somewhere to feel safe. For some of us that may mean a mansion, for others a cottage, an apartment, a cabin, a hut, a tent, a doorway, or a good cardboard box.

Whether we feel "at home" or not in our shelter (whatever that shelter is) often depends on how "at home" we feel with who we are, and the state of our hearts and minds.

 

"It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home." (Unknown)

"Take the time to come home to yourself every day."  (Robin Casarjean)

 

 

I grew up in Sweden, I live in Australia, but my home is in my heart.

 

 

Hey, I am quiet by choice!..... Introversion vis-a-vis Extroversion....

 

 

"For days she has been longing to find some time just for herself, well, Molly the dog and her. While the rest of the family is still fast asleep, she quietly gets dressed, signals to Molly to be quiet, then out into the early morning light they wander. The air is fresh, the light brilliant, and she can feel the energy from the sun revitalising her from top to bottom. Molly walks a few steps behind, wagging her tail, and ready to obey her mistress in an instant. As they enter the forest with its dappled light, she can feel the tension lift and she feels strong once again."

 

So, what do you do when you feel down in the dumps?

Why, I go to the gym, and do a few pumps.

What do you do when you feel a bit lonely?

Why, I call a few friends and play gin rummy.

 

What do you do when the news seem all bad?

Why, I count all my blessings and feel real glad.

What do you do when you feel left out?

Why, I just call a friend and suggest we go out.

 

What do you do when you feel real worried?

Why, I think of life like an exciting journey.

What do you do when things go wrong?

Why, I do something that makes me feel strong.

 

(imagined answers from an extroverted person)

 

 

"Extroverted people feel energised by the outer world of people and things." (Myers & Briggs)

According to Carl Jung:  "Jung defined introversion as an "attitude-type characterised by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents" (focus on one's inner psychic activity); and extraversion as "an attitude type characterised by concentration of interest on the external object" (the outside world).^"

 

So, what do you do when you feel down in the dumps?

I ask myself what put me in the slumps.

What do you do when you feel a bit lonely?

I read a good book, or watch a good movie.

 

What do you do when the news seem all bad?

I phone a close friend and have a long chat.

What do you do when you feel left out?

I find a nice path and go for a walk.

 

What do you do when you feel real worried?

Remember my strengths and know I am worthy.

What do you do when things go wrong?

Seek words of wisdom that will help me feel strong.

 

(imagined answers from an introverted person)

 

Some of us feel energised being around people, doing and participating in many different activities, and some of us feel energised through inner reflection, and more solitary pursuits.

Thing is, most of us, or according to Carl Jung; all of us; have a bit of both as part of our personality traits. Susan Cain, author of "Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking" suggests that the "Western Society is biased toward an extrovert ideal". Perhaps with more understanding of the two different types of personality traits, we can find a way to appreciate them both equally and without bias.

  

 

“Whoever you are, bear in mind that appearance is not reality. Some people act like extroverts, but the effort costs them energy, authenticity, and even physical health. Others seem aloof or self-contained, but their inner landscapes are rich and full of drama. So the next time you see a person with a composed face and a soft voice, remember that inside her mind she might be solving an equation, composing a sonnet, designing a hat. She might, that is, be deploying the powers of quiet.”

(Susan Cain: "Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking")

Get over it! ..........Easier said than done....

 

"Nobody's seen the troubles I've seen" so begins a famous Gospel song.

I recently watched a documentary on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which consisted of in-depth interviews with four soldiers who shared their experiences with PTSD.

What became clear to me as I listened to these men describing some of what they had seen/experienced, was how deeply affected we can become by what we see/experience.

Long after a traumatic event is over, the emotional reverberations can still carry on. A sound, a smell, a taste, a dream, can trigger a flashback, and suddenly we are transported back in time to when the trauma first took place.

"Just don't think about it, just put it out of your mind"....some suggest. Well intended advice perhaps, but unfortunately not terribly effective. Many PTSD sufferers seek solace in alcohol, drugs, (legal and illegal) risk taking behaviours, and or other forms of behaviours that "takes the mind off it", however, this often results in additional troubles.

 

"Don't tell me to forget what I've seen

you have not been where I have been.

Don't tell me to just get over it, leave it behind,

you don't really know what goes on inside my mind.

 

Don't tell me to just look forward, and not look back,

you don't really know, this kind of emotional 'black'.

Don't tell me to just get myself together,

you don't really know my internal pressure.

 

Don't tell me that time, time heals all wounds,

you don't really know, how patronising that sounds.

Don't tell me how that was then, and this is now,

you don't really know, how much I wish I knew how.

 

But, please,

 

Tell me you'll be there to help me through,

though I may not deserve it and my sadness makes you blue.

Tell me hopeful stories to help ease my troubled mind,

though I may seem belligerent and emotionally blind.

 

Tell me you wont give up on me and simply walk away,

though I'd really understand, if you'd prefer not to stay.

Tell me you don't understand, but you still want to try,

to help me find my way, to help me get by."

 

(PTSD is not exclusive to soldiers, any kind of traumatic event can potentially result in a person experiencing PTSD.)

When a person experiences PTSD, commonly friends and loved ones also become involved.

As a friend/loved one, we can be helpful by learning about PTSD, by listening, by encouraging the sufferer to seek professional help, by being patient, supportive, by encouraging the sufferer to take an active role in his/her own recovery.

PTSD is not something anybody can "snap out of".... and for those of us fortunate enough to have escaped it, a bit of tenderness and compassion goes a long way in helping the sufferer find a way to recovery. We may never fully understand what someone experiencing PTSD is going through, but we can try.

 

"Sometimes being understanding is more important than being right... Sometimes we need not a brilliant mind that speaks but a patient heart that listens... Not keen eyes that always see faults but open arms that accept. Not a finger that points out mistakes but gentle hands that lead." (Unknown)

 

The benefits of writing down your thoughts.......

 

Day 1

Well, I don't know how to start this. Dear Journal? Dear diary? Anyway, since it was suggested to me to start writing down what's on my mind, I will try to jot down my thoughts although I feel like a fool. Why would writing down on paper what goes on in my mind make any difference?

Day 2

I don't like writing dear journal or dear diary, so I am going to write: Hey Logbook.

Hey Logbook: I had a bad day yesterday. Seems no matter how hard I try to befriend people, they seem uninterested. What is it that I am doing wrong? I mean, other people seem to find it so easy to just start a conversation. Am I uninteresting?

Day 3

Hey Logbook: I have been thinking about whether I am uninteresting or not, so I secretly recorded a conversation on my phone that I had with Michael. When I listened back I was surprised to notice how fast and loudly I was speaking. Michael hardly said a word. Do I do this all the time? Maybe I am not uninteresting, maybe I am just too loud? I also noticed that I didn't seem to listen to Michael when he did say something. Do I speak too fast and too loud?

Day 4

Hey Logbook: Today I have been concentrating on trying to not talk too fast, and to listen to what other people say. It's hard not to jump in a correct people when they say stuff that's obviously wrong. I mean, if I don't tell them they are wrong, how will they know? I did notice that when I correct people, they seem to get annoyed and walk away. At least I was speaking slowly when I was telling them.

Day 5

Hey Logbook: Took forever to fall asleep last night on account of my mind being unsettled. Why do people get so angry when you tell them they are wrong? This thought kept me up all hours, but then I started to think about how angry I get when someone tells me I am wrong. Being right feels good, now why is that? And then I started thinking about that perhaps being right feels good in one way, but that feeling included feels better.

Day 6

Hey Logbook: I have been trying real hard to not tell people when they are wrong, I have also started to listen more, and I try to make sure that I don't speak too loudly or too fast. At work this morning, Michael came up to me and asked me if I was okay. He said that I have seemed different lately. I told him that I was okay and that I was just working some stuff out. I have noticed that listening to people without judging feels good.

Day 7

Hey Logbook: Had a bad dream last night. Dreamt about being back in high school and being bullied. Seems like it is hard to get away from the memories of those horrible years. I woke up in a sweat and found it hard to get back to sleep. What was so wrong with me that they bullied me all the time? Thinking about that made me think about what I was like in high school. Next I started to wonder if I used to speak fast and loud then too, and if I used to correct people all the time. Even if I did, it still  didn't give the bullies the right to bully me all the time. Tomorrow I am going to say nice things to people at work cause I know how good it feels for me when someone does.

Day 8

Hey Logbook: I told Michael today that I like his new car. It seemed to make him happy because he talked to me much longer than he usually does. It felt good and I felt like got to know him a little better. I am starting to think that perhaps this writing about what's on my mind is helpful because I am starting to notice things I haven't noticed before.

Day 9

Hey Logbook: Dad called last night. As per usual he told me how I do things the wrong way, and how I should learn to mix with people better, but in the middle of him going on and on, I suddenly realised just how loud and fast he was speaking. Instead of getting angry with him, I just listened. It felt good. If this is how I used to talk to people, no wonder they used to walk away I thought. I guess its not only about the words I use when I speak that matters, but also how I speak, so I am trying to be aware of how others may experience what I am saying. I don't correct people anymore when I think they are wrong, I just ask them how they have come to hold the opinion they hold. I don't like it when dad tells me I am wrong all the time, so I am guessing others don't like it either.

Although I am the one writing in this book, somehow it feels as if by writing down my thoughts, another part of me listens and helps me to find answers.

Day 10

Hey Logbook: Michael asked me to go for a test drive in his car today.

Things are changing, I am changing. For the better.

Love doesn't say "if you change I will love you", .... we do.

Love, what is it?

I guess it can be viewed as one of those "unknown" that many of us may think we know, yet when it comes down to it, defining exactly what it is, (in my view) can be very difficult.

Flicking through one of my many note books I came across something that I had written:

"To love may require ones heart to be in a constant state of repair and rebirth."

Hmmm..... There are many, many, theories on what "love" is and what it isn't, (perhaps as many as there are human beings?) but for the purpose of this post, I am going to focus on what may happen when our expectations/perceptions of the "do's" and "don'ts's" of love, clashes with someone we love.

"If you love me, you will..... (insert here your own expectations)........".

"If you love me, you will never....(insert here your own expectations)........".  However, do expectations perhaps interfere with rather than support love?

"Love expects no reward. Love knows no fear. Love Divine gives – does not demand. Love thinks no evil; imputes no motive. To Love is to share and serve." (Swami Sivananda)

"Real love, true love is unconditional, love that places conditions on another is counterfeit, not real at all." (Neale Donald Walsch)

My first question is; do we ourselves know what we expect from loving and being loved? The next question is; would it be helpful to question whether expectations really has anything to do with love or not? According to the above quotes, no, love does not seek its own rewards.

Let me use some examples which may be helpful.

"If you really love me, then you wouldn't spend so much time doing.....xxx...." he/she says.

"I love you, you're my child, so if you love me, then you will not...xxx..." the mother/father says.

"You're my best friend and you mean the world to me, and as my best friend you wouldn't ......xxx..." the friend says.

Often we perhaps assume that those who are close to us share our belief systems without having actually talked about our views, and in my experience, this at times can cause conflicts.

Examples: A husband/partner buys flowers for his wife because in his view, it is an expression of his love. The wife becomes suspicious and thinks her husband has done something he feels guilty about, because when she was growing up, her dad always bought her mother flowers when he had been up to mischief.

A wife/partner decides she wants to do more overtime at work to help out more with the finances (a loving gesture in her view), the husband/partner thinks his wife/partner is unsatisfied with his efforts because when he was growing up, his mother always complained that his father didn't earn enough money.

A teenager suddenly starts being late home after school everyday, and when asked, avoids giving a straight answer. The parents worry the he/she is mixing with the wrong people and being up to no good because when they were his/her age, they did some crazy things. The teenager has taken on a few hours work at the local McDonalds in order to earn some money to buy his/her parents a surprise anniversary gift.

It is hard perhaps to avoid having expectations when it comes to love in view of that we all have so many different experiences of it, but perhaps it may be helpful if we can identify what those expectations are and if they are reasonable? Reasonable, from the perspective of: if I expect those I love to live up to my expectations, do I live up to them as well? Have I expressed my expectations clearly, and if there are differences, can I be understanding and flexible enough to adjust my expectations? In my view, love does not have boundaries, our expectations do.

Love does not insist on being "right", our egos do. Love does not remember past mistakes, but our pride does. Love doesn't ask "how much?", our sense of entitlement does. Love doesn't ask "for how long?", our fear does. Love doesn't say "if you change I will love you", .... we do.

 

"The stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while bamboo or willow survive by bending with the wind."

(Bruce Lee)