Are we the stories we tell ourselves, are we our narratives?

 

 So what’s a narrative?

Basically it’s an account of events, a series of things happenings regardless of them being fictitious or not. Our narratives; stories; fills our lives much like the water fills the lives of fish, and they seem so all-pervasive that we hardly notice them. Dr Phil says: “We don’t respond to what happens in our lives, but what we tell ourselves about what’s happening.                 

Polkinghorne puts it this way: “We create narrative descriptions for ourselves and for others about our own past actions, and we develop storied accounts that give sense to the behaviour of others. We also use the narrative scheme to inform our decisions by constructing imaginative "what if" scenarios. On the receiving end, we are constantly confronted with stories during our conversations and encounters with the written and visual media.” “Since the beginning of time mankind has been a people with a narrative”, Barthes suggests.

The way in which we explain and/or justify our behaviour has more to do with a story being credible rather than constructing a logical argument or providing evidential reasoning. The traditional paradigm of the rational world, which is seen as a scientific or philosophical approach to knowledge assumes that people are logical and make decisions on the basis of evidence and lines of argument, however, some suggest that people are basically storytellers and as such we are subjected to subjectivity, incomplete understanding, and misinterpretation.  

One of the first language skills we learn as children is narration (story telling) and this seems to be universal and across cultures and time. To learn a story, we need no reading or writing skills, it can be passed on orally, argumentation on the other hand, includes both and must be taught. However, even after learning argumentation many people prefer to use narratives. “You wouldn’t believe what happened to me today, let me tell you the story!!” probably communicates an event more directly and effectively for most of us than a well thought out and formulated argument.

Through stories we connect with others and often we include analogies and parables in preference to dry data. “He was as big as a house”, “He/she drinks like a fish”, “…as poor as a church mouse”, “you reap what you sow”, etc..

We understand and recognise things and people by the stories we tell ourselves about them regardless of how “true” or “false” they may be. This, if I may suggest, is also the case for the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

We don’t have memories of every moment lived in our lives, we retain only small fragments of experience, but these fragments we use to make up the tapestry of our lives, our “narrative”, that gives us meaning, purpose, direction and understanding of the world we live in.

Our narratives are as uniquely ours, as others are theirs, which may offer one of many explanations for why we at times may find it difficult to understand others behaviours, interpretations and responses. If, as an example, our narrative tells us that “playing our cards close to our chest”is the proper way of dealing with certain situations, we may find someone who openly and demonstratively shows “their hand” to act “incorrectly” which may lead to a lack of understanding and difficulty in communication. Perhaps by recognising and understanding the narratives that drive our responses, we can understand the feelings that accompany them?

Because, feelings whether obvious or not, do tend to colour our narratives. If we were bullied at school, can we narrate the story without experiencing any feelings? If we received an achievement award at some point, can we narrate the story without experiencing any feelings?

If we did something in our youth that we now rather forget about, can we narrate the story without experiencing any feelings? (Conscious subjective experience of emotions= feelings according to Wikipedia)

Example: Feelings can be like an unwanted computer virus invisibly attached to a file you've downloaded from the net. It can potentially crash your system unless you can identify it.

Once we have identified the "virus"(feeling) we can deal with it.

 

And just like there is software available to identify the many viruses, we have "software" to identify our feelings, and as we learn to recognise them we become apt at dealing with them.

What is the "software"?, you may ask. I will suggest that putting a face on our emotions, is our software.

Well, millions of people do it every day, Emoticons they are called......:)

If we are our narratives/stories, the good thing is we can change them if we so desire. We are all given the freedom to choose our attitude towards the events and happenings in our lives and like Dr Phil said: "We don't respond to what happens in our lives, but what we tell ourselves about what is happening".

(ps: about the painting.......a lady of the night watches as the man hides his face in shame)

Gifts come in many unexpected wrappings...

It's a dark and chilly winters afternoon thirteen days before Christmas when a tall, and skinny strange man wearing an over sized coat and a well worn pork pie hat enters Rosa's Diner. Tucked under his left arm he has a violin case and in his right hand, a small leather suitcase. The few regulars in Rosa's diner lift their gaze from their food and cautiously take a visual snapshot of the Stranger. Slowly and with what seems to be considerable effort, the man sits down at a table in the corner by the bay window, removes his hat, tucks the small suitcase under the table and with great gentleness places the violin case on a chair next to himself. Rosa tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear, corrects her apron and walks up to the stranger. "-Welcome to Rosa's Diner, I am Rosa, what would you like order Sir?" The Stranger lifts his head and with a quiet voice orders a cup of black coffee. "-Anything to eat with that?" Rosa asks,      "-We have the best pancakes this side of the Tamutha River" she adds. The man nods his head in an affirmative gesture, Rosa smiles in response then turns around and walks toward the kitchen.

 The regulars turn back to their food and continue eating, and speaking in muted tones. Rosa is highly esteemed in this little town and if someone is accepted by Rosa, the rest of the town will follow suit.

The Stranger sips his coffee slowly and deliberately as if every sip offers a new taste sensation, the pancakes are cut into small measured pieces, each bite savoured and remembered. Rosa watches the man from behind the counter and can't help but wonder what kind of suffering this man may have endured, because Rosa knows and understands suffering. Her husband never returned from the war and her only beloved son is paralysed in both legs after a bad bout with polio.

"-Please, may I pay and also enquire if there may be somewhere to rent a room for a few nights?" the man asks Rosa. "-That will be three dollars Sir, and if you don't mind renting a small modest room, I have one here at the back of the diner, only five dollars a night and breakfast included," Rosa answers.

After settling the bill, Rosa shows the Stranger the room and he decides to rent it.

While putting up the Closed sign later that day, Rosa suddenly hears music coming from the backroom.

Quietly she walks to the room only to find Billy, her son, in his wheelchair already there. "Mum, listen, isn't this the most beautiful music you've ever heard" Billy whispers to Rosa. "Yes, son, it is" Rosa whispers back.

For the next eleven days, the Stranger comes in for coffee and pancakes every morning at eight am precise, but he no longer sits by himself because Billy always joins him. Billy who used to wolf down his pancakes, now cuts them into small pieces and instead of chattering, he eats in silence.

From the minute the Stranger invited Billy into his room and showed him the violin, the two of them seemed to establish an invisible heart to heart connection. Every night the Stranger teaches Billy how to play, and every night Billy falls asleep with a smile on his face. On Christmas eve morning, the Stranger doesn't come in to the diner for his breakfast. "Mum, where is Mr Rosenthal?" Billy asks Rosa anxiously.

"Excuse me, but can you all just manage without me while I just make sure Mr Rosenthal is alright" Rosa says to the customers in the diner and with Billy in tow she rushes to the backroom.

Rosa gently knocks on the door...no answer. "Mr Rosenthal, are you alright?" she asks. "Mr Rosenthal, Mr Rosenthal?" Billy ask desperately.

Rosa opens the door. Mr Rosenthal, the Stranger, is laying on top of his bed, his little leather suitcase packed, the violin case open with a piece of paper resting on top of the violin. Billy rolls his wheelchair to the bed with tears rolling down his face. He gently lifts Mr Rosenthal's right hand to his face and strokes his own cheek with it. Rosa picks up the piece of paper with shaking hands.

"Dear Billy and Mrs Rosa, I knew I had very few days left to live when I arrived here, but I didn't know that my last days would be filled with so much love and friendship. I have enjoyed every minute with you Billy and your mum, and the chance to share my music with a young soul again before leaving this earth, has given me more more joy than words can ever express. I am the last survivor of my family, so please accept this violin as a token of my sincere affection and may you treasure it as you learn to play it and make it your friend just as I have always done.

At last, I now leave to see my children and my beloved family again,

sincerely Joshua Rosenthal, Shalom"

Billy rolls his wheelchair to the violin, lifts it, then gently caresses it.

Rosa puts the note in her apron pocket, bends down and embraces her son, the chair, the violin, and begins to sob softly.

"Mum, what does Stradivarius mean, it says so inside the violin?" Billy asks.

 

(ps. A Stradivarius or Strad is one of the violins, cellos, and other stringed instruments built by members of the Stradivari (Stradivarius) family, during the 17th and 18th centuries. According to their reputation, the quality of their sound has defied attempts to explain or equal it, and to aquire one ..................requires bags of money.)

Forgiveness, who needs it?

 

 I came across a line that read: "Father, forgive them because they don't know what they are doing".

How could he say that?

The man had been beaten beyond recognition, ridiculed, his friends had turned their backs on him, he had been made fun of, actually,........he was rejected by everybody, even those who used to "hang" with him. And all this was done without a scrap of evidence that he had done anything wrong. So, here he is...rejected by everybody, belittled and beaten within an inch of his life, and he says: "Forgive them"?

Isn't forgiving someone the same as agreeing that they are right?

For a long time "forgiveness" have received little attention from psychologists. It was a topic which was considered by many to belong to matters of faith, but in the 1980's both psychologists and social psychologists began to produce papers and books on the subject. Today there are many publications on the subject of forgiveness and the effect it has on a human life.

For many of us however; "to forgive or not forgive, may be the question".

(This is such a huge subject, so if you don't mind, I'll stay with the personal, one-on-one stuff)

What happens inside of us emotionally and physically when we hang on to resentment and hurt?

According to many studies, holding on to negative(anger, resentment, hate etc.)emotions affects our bodies and research has shown that it plays a big part in many illnesses. Regardless of the "rightness" or how justified we may feel about an injustice or wrong someone has done to us, if we do not express how we feel to the person(s), or our diary, or a friend, etc....chances are that our feelings will get the better of us and eventually we may unload all the emotions in a very destructive way...and onto people who just happens to be there.

"Why did you hit that guy, he was doing nothing?" a friend asks his mate. "He looked at me funny'" answers the mate. "Why are you yelling at me, all I did was ask you if you had a good day at work?" asks the girlfriend/boyfriend.

"Why are you so angry all the time" the friend asks her/his friend.

"Did something happen at school today Jim?" the mother asks her son. "Nothing, I don't want to talk about it!" answers the son as he slams his bedroom door.

Resentments at times can ferment, become toxic, and expand until they influence many parts of our lives. "If you don't bring forward what is within you, it will destroy you. But, if you bring forward what is inside of you, it will heal you". (St. Thomas) We can either express or suppress our emotions, but regardless of whether we do or not, we are affected.

"Why should I forgive them/him/her, I didn't do anything wrong?"

One good reason could be: "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies"(Unknown)

Forgiving someone for a perceived(the other may have a different view) offence is about us, not them. "Easier said than done" you may say, and I agree, it can be a very hard thing to do.

Let's say that someone cuts in in front of you in a queue you have been patiently waiting in, would that make you upset, angry, or outraged? Would you be less upset if someone told you that the person cutting in was having an asthma attack and pushed in because he/she needed the medication urgently?

Seeing/understanding things from others perspective often change the way we view things.

That's all very fine, you may say, but what about people who are just plain mean, evil, nasty, selfish, a bully, greedy, etc.?

As a kid, like so many others, I was bullied. I wondered what was so wrong with me, but a more constructive question perhaps would have been to ask what was wrong with them?

What kind of pressures did they have to deal with?

Regardless of us understanding, agreeing, or disagreeing with the reasons people have for doing what they do, forgiving others is about us, not them, because when we hang on to negative emotions we are releasing cortisol and adrenaline(hormones) that in excessive amounts may lead to all sorts of illnesses.

When my closest friend died in a car accident at the age of 40, initially I felt shocked, numb and profoundly sad, but these feelings changed into anger and resentment. What was he doing driving under the influence, and at that speed? What about his kids? Why didn't he think about these things before he hopped in the car? I bottled up all my anger and resentment until one day when I decided to let it go. The method I used was to buy two dozen eggs, launch them at big tree in my garden with each egg specifying what I was angry about. "I am angry with you for dying!" launch. "I'm angry with you for driving too fast!" launch. By the time I launched egg number 24, the anger had gone, but there was an awful mess to sort.

Perhaps we can forgive others because we ourselves need forgiveness?

Have not most of us at some time or another done/said something that hurt/upset someone else?

Forgiveness is a gift, one we can both give to others and ourselves, and with Christmas just around the corner, perhaps now is a good time to give such a gift?

Whether one celebrates Christmas or not, perhaps this may be as good a time as any to earmark it as an occasion to let go of past resentments and embrace the gift of forgiveness.

 

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." - (Katherine Ponder)

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

(Louis B. Smedes)

 

ps. I painted this painting remembering all children, the innocents, who in many parts of the world are paying for the harm done and is still being done, by parents/caretakers/guardians etc. etc.

 

 



I want something more, I just don't know what that is...

If you had a magical wand, what would you wish for?

At times it may seem easier to know what we don't want, rather than what we do want.

"What do you want" she asks exasperatingly, "I don't know!" he answers, "I just know that I want more". "More what?" she retorts. "I don't know, all I know is that I want more" he answers as he leaves the room.

At times there can be a longing in the depth of our beings for something "more", but every time we try to define what that "more" is, it becomes an elusive dance of shadowy figures. Always there, but not substantial enough to be caught.

Unable to fall asleep she starts to ask herself: "Is this it, is this all there is? Is this what I wanted my life to be?"

Perhaps you knew what you wanted, but now when you have those things, there's still this nagging sense of something missing. Is it possible that it is not the attaining of what we desire/want that drives us but rather the desiring/wanting itself? A burning desire/want for something at times can help us to stay focused, give us a sense of meaning and purpose, so after we have achieved the desired outcome, then what?

We find something else to desire/want and it all begins again.

Howard Hughes, an American business magnate, investor, aviator, film maker, aerospace engineer, and philanthropist, a man with an impressive array of achievements; at his death was barely recognisable. On reading of his many entrepreneurial achievements, I found a man with a goal conscious mind, but Howard Hughes, a celebrated and at one time one of the most visible men in America, somehow still managed to become "invisible" to the extent that at his autopsy fingerprints from the FBI had to be used to identify his body.  "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?" springs to mind. Perhaps in the pursuit of "gaining" there is a risk of losing ones core being.

When it comes to acquiring material things, or accolades and favour with others, after a while it may all become shadow images with no substance. After all, one can only drive one car, sleep in one house, be, in one place at the time, and what people say to us face to face may differ greatly from what is said when our backs are turned. Things can be broken, stolen, rust, blow away in a hurricane, float away in a flood, etc. and people can change their minds and find favour with someone else.

Statistics has shown that people living in poverty and people of great wealth have one thing in common; stress. Struggling for survival and having needs met poses a health risk as apparently also does having it all and keeping it. What we all have in common though whether poor or rich, is our choice of attitude towards our situation. Seems one can be wealthy materialistically yet be poor in "happiness", and poor materialistically yet wealthy in "happiness". (According to statistics again) Regardless of status however, there is always an "I" involved and that "I" has the power and freedom to choose his/her attitude to the situation in which he/she finds him/herself.

(I need to say here that I am not including refugees of any kind, or people struggling for life living in disaster areas.)

The fact that we have the power to choose our attitude towards what is happening in our lives, is Good news, well, in my opinion...:)

Perhaps if we have a nagging sense of something missing, we may be better off investigating the reason behind it, not ignore it but try to verbalise it. Ask questions. When do I feel like this, why do I feel like this, do I have an unfulfilled need, what do I need to do to facilitate this need, will pursuing what I want hurt others, if I get what I need/want, what will the cost to my family be? These are just some suggestions of questions that may be of assistance, you may have others you feel are more suited to your situation.

"Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

(Victor Frankl)

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens".

(Kahlil Gibran)

"We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude".

  ( Charles R. Swindoll)

 

The "magic wand" it seems, is our attitude. 

 

(ps. The painting is called "American Geisha")

Are we all actors on the World Stage?

 

 

How well do we really know the people we think we know?

Then again, when we say we know somebody, what do we usually mean?

Macmillan dictionary defines to know as follows: remember someone for something, understand, be familiar with, recognise, to mention a few.

Marilyn Monroe was born Norma Jean, but most of us know her as Marilyn. As an actress she had to become many different women, so I wonder what happened to Norma Jean, where did she go? 

For me it has always been a marvel how someone can shed their own identity and become another. When the lights are off and the show over, how does an actor find their own identity again?

This leads me to ponder if in some sense, we do not all have different roles which we "play" in our lives?

In the opening line of Jaques famous speech from Shakespeare's play, "As You Like It", often called the Seven Ages of Man, Jaques says: "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

Although one may feel as a "whole" person, under a microscope maybe there are many parts.

You're a man/woman, brother/sister, husband/wife, father/mother, son/daughter, friend/associate, boss/worker, teacher/student, etc.etc., and could these positions not be regarded as different "roles" we play?

Actors are handed scripts to learn/study the character they are to become/play, but if the world is a stage, then maybe everyone of us are handed "scripts" from birth, we just don't recognise them as such? We speak of "role models", could they maybe be thought of as "living scripts"? Even if we decide we do not want to be like our father/mother/brother/sister/other, their way of being still influence us in how we want to be/behave/act. Maybe we can also add to this influences from the movies, TV shows, magazines, books, friends, teachers, lovers, work mates, team mates and so on.

Actors act, they become someone else for the duration of the "play", show, movie, then when it's finished, they become themselves again. Do we all have a "core" selves we return to in the stillness of our minds when the day is over?

When we say we "know" someone, do we mean that we are familiar with that persons behaviour/way of being, that we think we have an understanding of their "core" selves? Some say that human beings always search for patterns and that maths came about for this reason. If a person regularly behaves in a certain way, a pattern, there is an estimated amount of certainty and we probably believe we know that person. "He is always on time, She always arrives first, He always speaks open and honestly, She is always quiet, He always forgets, She always remembers, He always does the right thing, She always phones her parents on Sundays, and so on..." and of course the opposite: "He's never on time, She always arrives at the last minute, He never says what he really thinks, She always voices her opinions loudly...etc.etc".

So what happens when a person behaves outside of the usual patterns? "Man, I thought I knew him, but after what he did, I don't think I know him at all !"

When Marilyn was found dead in her bed there were people who were shocked and yet others not at all. The event is still regarded as a mystery by some yet others are sure they know what lead to her death. Perhaps nobody really knew Marilyn at all, perhaps not even Marilyn herself.

Socrates coined the phrase: "Know thyself", which is easier said than done in my opinion

How does one get to know oneself?

Perhaps one begins with: Who do I think I am rather than who do other people think I am?

    Is the image I portray of me the true me? What and who is my "core" self?

How do I find my "core" self?

In the stillness of your mind may be a good starting point.

Getting to know someone and/or oneself takes time and patience, compassion and love, and although we may know someones behaviour/being patterns,

at the core, are we not often mysteries wrapped in an enigma even unto ourselves?

 

"Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” (Ann Landers)

 “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
(Carl Jung) 

Protecting the heart from pain........

 

Have you heard the term "Autumn years"? As far as I can ascertain, the autumn years are the years lived after retirement age. The term made me ponder whether we go through different "seasons" in our lives; does our heart (our emotional core) live through summer, winter, spring and autumn?

Perhaps "summer" is when life seems to flow, we are content, we enjoy our lives.

"Spring" is when we are moving forward, learning new things, changing, feeling excited about the now and what is to come in the future.

Maybe "autumn" is when we are reflective and questioning of our choices in life, an emotional "stocktaking" mindset, and "winter" when we bunker down, lay low, and protect our inner selves.

In conversation with a friend recently my friend shared how heartbroken she felt over a particular outcome. "It's my own fault" she said, "I shouldn't have given in to hope, I should have protected myself".

Is this possible? Can we put up "barbed wire" and cover our selves with "snow"and maybe even put up a sign; "Stay out!"..? Will this protect us from emotional pain?

Is a painless, suffering-free life, the optimal outcome for living?

If we are to protect our "heart" from heartbreak and disappointments, how would we do so and at what cost? See, that's the thing...is there not a cost (emotional) involved with securing our hearts from pain, because in protecting ourselves from it may we not also miss out on opportunities of other kinds of positive emotional experiences? In loving someone/something there is always a risk of "losing" him/her/it, but loving in itself, offers many worthwhile and life affirming experiences.

 "Loving" as a state of being, has many beneficial ripple effects.

"So, what would you have done differently" I asked my friend, "How would you have protected yourself from being hurt?"

"This is what I always do", she said, "I get my hopes up only to have them torn down".

"How did you feel while you were hoping?", I asked.

"Excited, full of plans and possibilities", she answered.

"Did you experience that emotional state as an enjoyable state?", I asked.

"Yes", she answered, "but in the end, things still fell apart."

"Rather than giving up on hope, perhaps finding a different approach to dealing with disappointing outcomes may be helpful?" I asked.

"Hmmmmm," she answered.

Errecting walls and fences we may be able to keep dashed hopes and broken hearts at bay, but in doing so, we may also prevent ourselves from experiencing hopes from coming true, and love to be reciprocated.

Maybe there are times in our lives when barbed wires and concrete walls seems a good option for coping, and perhaps in doing so we give ourselves the chance of regrouping and recooping, as long as we are cautious not to allow "winter" to become our permanent state of heart and mind.

In everything worthwhile there is an element of risk; with loving there is the risk of rejection, with hoping there is the risk of a let down, with trying there is a risk of failure, with being generous there is a risk of being taken advantage of, with standing there is a risk of falling, and so on.

If a child decided that falling down is too painful, or too risky, would that child ever walk?

Being alive is risky business, but then consider the option...............

Rather than protecting our hearts from pain, maybe finding life affirming coping strategies may be a better option....like someone said: "Better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all".

 

I'll let Neil Simon have the last word:

 

"Don’t listen to those who say ‘you taking too big a chance.’ Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head and says ‘they are all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier, and they have connections. I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts—and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live—the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respects."

 



On "growing up" and becoming an "adult"....

 

Have you ever heard of the "The Elephant Man", that is; Josef(John) Merrick? It is an amazing story and in the hands of David Lynch the director, it becomes a tale in moving pictures of human dignity and integrity, compassion and the life of an extraordinary man.

Can you remember a time when you were told to "grow up"? Or maybe the words used were: "Be adult about it, why don't you behave like an adult"?  What is an adult? According to some, an adult is a human being or living organism that has attained sexual maturity, ie; of reproductive maturity. For a human it also indicates a level of independence, self-sufficiency and responsibility. Legally there is a shift from being a dependent to an independent, one becomes responsible for ones actions. Most societies have an agreed upon age when this is to occur, problem is.......do we all really mature at the same age?

Biologically speaking maybe most of us mature about the same age, but what about psychologically/emotionally?

Behaviourists have demonstrated that a humans growth can be stumped by a lack of emotional contact, sociologists how our environment can affect our growth, and other sciences how our growth can become affected by a multitude of external interferences which leads me to assume that there seem to be many varied aspects to "growing up" and maturing in to an "adult".
Perhaps adulthood is not only/primarily based on age but also on our emotional maturity. But what is emotional maturity and what qualifies as such?

(Before I go on I need to state that these views are my own, so feel free to disagree.....:)

Perhaps our growing and maturing never ends, perhaps it is a never ending process, a part of the "human condition" so to speak. Learning, growing and changing are our continuous "bedfellows" regardless of how many years we clock up. Recognising that we are all "travellers" in life, we have the opportunity to develop a greater sense of  patience and acceptance for others. As we ourselves trip and fall at times, make mistakes, miscalculate, we have the chance of sharing our experiences with others and offer a helping hand (all the while realising their right to reject it).

As we mature we may learn to identify the difference between wanting and needing something.

"I want a 10 feet plasma, but do I really need one?" "I want my partner to............, but do I need him/her to?" "I want people to take me seriously, but I need people to hear my heart".

Maybe we begin by questioning if there is a common conception of the terms and if so, do we agree?

As the mother encourages her son to sit down in the doctor's chair for his vaccination shot, she says: "Tim, be a brave lad, be grown up like your brother Steven, it will be alright".

The father calls his teenage daughter into his office at home and says: "Marina, listen, you have to behave more grown up and help your mother with the household chores."

The girlfriend decides that she has finally had enough and says to her boyfriend: Alex, you're so immature, grow up! You chose between your football buddies and me, cos I'm not putting up with this nonsense anymore!"

The friend grabs the car keys from his buddy and says: "Man, why do you always have to overdo it?

When are you gonna grow up and learn to handle your booze?"

What we deem as adult/grown-up emotional behaviour is dependent on how we define those terms, which in turn depends on our own experiences of such behaviour.

Many of us may equate being an adult with:  doing/behaving in a collectively acceptable fashion, i.e; we do what is required from us, when it is required.

Josef Merrick, the "Elephant Man" had very few good examples of "mature" adults in his brief life. He was short changed at every turn, beaten, robbed, rejected, until one day when the police found him on the streets of London, unable to communicate but with a Frederick Treves, (a surgeon at the London Hospital), business card on him. Josef was brought to the London Hospital by Treves where he then remained for the rest of his life as a good friend of Treves. At the hospital, Josef was visited by many of London's society including Alexandra, Princess of Wales.  

Which leads me to ask the question; is behaving, being an "adult" maybe a matter of choice?
Josef Merrick, with very few role models of mature, decent adults, somehow managed to chose to become one.  Described by those who got to know him, he was a fine human being, sensitive, intelligent, upstanding, and a mature/adult human. This suggests to me that maybe we can chose to behave emotionally mature regardless of our role models.

Once we have the right to drive a car, cast a vote, get married, set up home, take out bank loans, etc. are we automatically "grown-ups"? Does the ability to make emotionally "mature" decisions come along with those rights? What are emotionally mature decisions?

Here are some suggestions of behaviours that for me are indications of maturity: taking ownership of ones actions, being sensitive and respectful to others feelings and opinions, keeping an open mind, being confident without arrogance, showing respect for public and personal spaces, understanding and managing ones emotions, to mention a few.
Perhaps being an adult means pausing before reacting, listening before speaking, thinking before judging, praising before criticising, loving before acting.
 

"Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values."

(Joshua L. Liebman)

 

“The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up.” 
(John C. Maxwell)

ps. the painting does not depict Josef Merrick, it was however painted with him in mind.