Having that difficult conversation......

Something happened, and in bed at night you start to replay the event. Over and over and each time you get more and more upset. By morning you're exhausted by tossing and turning all night and no clearer as to what happened the other day. You try to remember who said what, but you can mostly remember what you said and what you felt. You felt disrespected, betrayed, misunderstood and treated unfairly. You try to remember what he/she/they said but mostly remember your own words. He/she/they are important to you so you feel that it is necessary for you to clarify what happened, to make sure that you are understood correctly. You decide to say something.....
Is what someone say and what we hear, always the same thing? Is what we say and what the other hears, the same? Many words are very ambiguous and can have many interpretations and sometimes a misunderstanding and resulting conflict may boil down to different definitions of the same word.

Without checking that we are talking about the same definition of for instance: "I'll call you later", maybe "later" can mean in a few minutes, hours, days or even weeks. Or how about "I understand", does that mean "understanding generally", or "I get what you mean", or "I get what you mean and I agree"? Not only can our words be ambiguous, our body language and intonation may also be misread. For some people, a raised tone of voice may be interpreted as a sign of hostility, for others a sign of passion or enthusiasm. Standing too close, too far, another barrier for some. Not to mention the possibilities of misunderstanding through the use of text only via "i-thingy's" or emails.

(There are probably some of you reading this blog questioning some of my choices of words...:)

Some conversations can be very difficult, and so choice of words, timing, body language and personal space become of utmost importance. If we know clearly what our objective is for having that "difficult" conversation and stay focused on it, then we are less likely to be caught up in emotions and be sidetracked. Staying on point, so to speak. If we are not sure that the other understood us, then we should ask, and if we want to make sure we understood the other, we repeat what we heard and ask for confirmation. "So what I heard you say is.......?" or "Can you please tell me what you heard me say, just to make sure we are on the same page?" If our conversation is about hurt feelings, then restricting it to only our own feelings ie: "I feel....hurt, angry, upset etc." rather than blaming the other ie: "You make me feel.........", then in other words, we hold ourselves responsible for our own emotions. Assuming we know what others feel and think and then verbalising it, often leads to more difficulties rather than more understanding and a satisfying outcome. If you have decided that something has to be done; you are upset with a friend, lover, partner, co-worker, then maybe having a good think about how to approach that "difficult" conversation beforehand is useful. Maybe asking some questions of yourself first is a good starting point: "Could I have misunderstood what was said?, Could there be issues behind this situation I am not aware of? Could I have expressed myself more clearly? What outcome am I looking for? Am I ready to accept an answer I may not like? and so on. (There are times when no matter what we do there will be no resolution and all we can do is to move on.)

Many of us find it hard to talk about sensitive topics, to declare our feelings on the

matter plainly, and with the availability of gadgets(texting) offering us an opportunity to use ambiguity as a two-way-mirror, many of us opt for it.

With all the ambiguity already embedded in language itself,

maybe we need to be able to hear the intonation, read the body language and have eye contact.

Maybe we need to speak heart to heart, mind to mind and be always mindful

that we listen as much as we speak.