Finding the right words...

"What are words?  Personally I have been puzzled by this question most of my life. A Swiss philosopher by the name Saussure saw language as made up of systems of "signs", and the signs acting as the basic units of language. What's a "sign" then? According to Saussure it consists of two things: a sound-image (= not the actual sound, but the "mental" image we have of the sound) and a concept. So, he is suggesting that language is not about the relationship between words and things, rather both aspects are mental aspects, a relationship between sound-images and concepts. I'll use an example; there is nothing "doggy" about the sound "dog" which is why the word can be gou=chien=hund=dog etc. in different languages. Does the dog speak chinese, or does the frog in the pond know that it is a "groda" in Sweden? Words are meaningful to us because we become used to the way in which they are used by others. A child will usually not start to speak in a language that is not spoken in the home in which it is born into, suggesting that there is no link between words and actual things, rather its the way language is used socially which makes it meaningful.

So, let's say that someone you care for is going through a rough spot and you feel that you want to try to "help" them. Your friend(lover/partner/child)does not want to "talk about it", they want to be left alone. When you approach your friend he says: "what's there to say, it won't change anything anyways" and withdraws back into his seclusion. Does he mean it or is there a subtext you are supposed to figure out, you wonder. Is it a test of my loyalty and commitment to our friendship or to see if I will remain his friend through thick and thin? you ask yourself. Are there words that function like "keys", words that unlock a mindset and open the communication? Here is the next hurdle to overcome. Words can be defined, and interpreted, in a myriad of ways. How do we know that we have the same definition/interpretation of the words we use? We have to ask.

Example: "When you say that no one understands you, what to you would be an indication that you are understood?

If nothing is going to change, what would you like to see changing?"

Trickier still when words such as love, loyalty, commitment, faith, are thrown into the mix.

"If you love me, then you know how much loyalty and commitment means to me and you would have some faith in me" a loved one says to you. Is there a "right" answer?

 Often the answer is to ask questions, to find clues to what the other person feels, needs and what outcomes they are seeking. "Are you feeling angry, hurt, upset, sad,  etc.etc? "What do you think needs to happen for you to feel differently? "What outcomes are you seeking, and what choices can you make that will lead you to those outcomes?" can be very helpful questions when someone you care for is going through a difficult situation. Finding the right words may not be the issue so much as finding words that mean the same thing to those involved in a conversation. Us humans often have a tendency to engage in "mind reading", we think we know what others are thinking, we assume they know what we think, so when suddenly the other says:"That's not it at all!!!That's not what I mean..", there is often a breakdown in communication. Just as much as we may have to ask :"when you say xyz, what does xyz mean to you?, we may also at times have to say: "when I say xyz, and xyz means to me......".

If the objective is a greater understanding and better communication, then choosing words free from hidden prejudiced undertones, or ambiguity, may offer a good beginning.

Not to mention the effective tool of just listening, of saying nothing at all.

Sometimes the right words can be (to say to yourself): shhhh, be quiet and just listen".