A little compassion goes a long way....

On his way home from work a man is attacked and is left unconscious on the pavement in front of a bus shelter. The attacker has stolen the man's wallet, watch, briefcase, jacket and shoes, and he is badly beaten and his clothes torn. A few hours later another man on his way home sees the unconscious man in the shelter and hurries by quickly while muttering under his breath: "these damn drunks, why can't they just stay out of regular people's way so we wont have to watch their misery". Some time goes by and a another man on his way home sees the crumpled over figure in the bus shelter. He slows his steps to have a quick look, but decides that : "those junkies, why can't they just get over it and get a job like everyone else has to" and carries on walking. A woman walking her dog pulls the dog close as she hurries by the bus shelter while telling her dog that: "young people have no sense of decency nowadays" and quickens her step somewhat. An old couple out on their evening stroll walk past the bus shelter without even slowing down:"there's a lot of dangerous people about, best be safe and not stop and look", they surmise as they hurry past. A bus on route stops at the bus shelter and a few people get off. None of them notice the figure crumpled up, they are speaking, texting, and have earphones , so hear nothing either. The bus driver already running behind schedule, sees the figure in the shelter, but has no time to investigate: "should probably check out the situation here, but I am already late" she thinks as she closes the bus doors and drive off.
Hours pass and the attacked man remain unconscious, and alone. A group of skateboarders pass, and one of the skaters notice the figure in the shelter. "Hey guys, chill, there's a hurt guy here" he says and the other skaters stop, pick up their boards and walk back to the shelter. "Whats up Rocky?" asks Beanie, a fierce looking skater with dreadlocks, tattoos, and both nose and earrings. "I think this guy is really hurt, I think he's been beaten, probably mugged or something" Rocky answers.
Rocky gently tries to wake the unconscious man while the other skaters try to help the man to an upright position. "Hey Beanie, call emergency, this dude is in a bad shape man" Rocky urges Beanie.
The skaters stay with the injured man until the ambulance arrives, and as the man is lifted in to the ambulance, the paramedic says: "Thanks guys, this man is seriously hurt, good thing you called us when you did, a few hours later and there would be permanent brain damage".
Does compassion have to be earned? Do people have to be "good enough" for us to show compassion? Should compassion only be extended to those who deserve it? Do we have a checklist, boxes that have to be ticked, before we see people fit to receive our compassion? He/she/they haven't tried hard enough, haven't tried all possible solutions, haven't worked hard enough, too lazy, too selfish, too individualistic, too uncompromising, too sensitive, too proud,etc.etc? Where do we draw the line, should we draw a line at all? Our goal as a society may be that every person born is offered equal opportunities and chances for fulfilling his/her potentials, but the reality(the actual state of affairs)seems to be, that it is more equal for some than others. Compassion and empathy are fundamental building blocks in a humane society and if people have to pass a "test" before they are deemed worthy of our compassion, what sort of society will we end up with?
What if it was your husband, brother, father, son, friend, lover that was attacked, beaten and left at the bus stop? Would you not like for someone to have helped him, even if he was unemployed, a drunk, a junkie etc.? If a person has to be "worthy" in order for us to be compassionate, then I worry for the future of our society. The ancients said: "love your neighbour as yourself" and although it may be an "ancient" saying, the words are as potent today as in "the olden days". So who is my neighbour? Everyone...unconditionally.

Finding the right words...

"What are words?  Personally I have been puzzled by this question most of my life. A Swiss philosopher by the name Saussure saw language as made up of systems of "signs", and the signs acting as the basic units of language. What's a "sign" then? According to Saussure it consists of two things: a sound-image (= not the actual sound, but the "mental" image we have of the sound) and a concept. So, he is suggesting that language is not about the relationship between words and things, rather both aspects are mental aspects, a relationship between sound-images and concepts. I'll use an example; there is nothing "doggy" about the sound "dog" which is why the word can be gou=chien=hund=dog etc. in different languages. Does the dog speak chinese, or does the frog in the pond know that it is a "groda" in Sweden? Words are meaningful to us because we become used to the way in which they are used by others. A child will usually not start to speak in a language that is not spoken in the home in which it is born into, suggesting that there is no link between words and actual things, rather its the way language is used socially which makes it meaningful.

So, let's say that someone you care for is going through a rough spot and you feel that you want to try to "help" them. Your friend(lover/partner/child)does not want to "talk about it", they want to be left alone. When you approach your friend he says: "what's there to say, it won't change anything anyways" and withdraws back into his seclusion. Does he mean it or is there a subtext you are supposed to figure out, you wonder. Is it a test of my loyalty and commitment to our friendship or to see if I will remain his friend through thick and thin? you ask yourself. Are there words that function like "keys", words that unlock a mindset and open the communication? Here is the next hurdle to overcome. Words can be defined, and interpreted, in a myriad of ways. How do we know that we have the same definition/interpretation of the words we use? We have to ask.

Example: "When you say that no one understands you, what to you would be an indication that you are understood?

If nothing is going to change, what would you like to see changing?"

Trickier still when words such as love, loyalty, commitment, faith, are thrown into the mix.

"If you love me, then you know how much loyalty and commitment means to me and you would have some faith in me" a loved one says to you. Is there a "right" answer?

 Often the answer is to ask questions, to find clues to what the other person feels, needs and what outcomes they are seeking. "Are you feeling angry, hurt, upset, sad,  etc.etc? "What do you think needs to happen for you to feel differently? "What outcomes are you seeking, and what choices can you make that will lead you to those outcomes?" can be very helpful questions when someone you care for is going through a difficult situation. Finding the right words may not be the issue so much as finding words that mean the same thing to those involved in a conversation. Us humans often have a tendency to engage in "mind reading", we think we know what others are thinking, we assume they know what we think, so when suddenly the other says:"That's not it at all!!!That's not what I mean..", there is often a breakdown in communication. Just as much as we may have to ask :"when you say xyz, what does xyz mean to you?, we may also at times have to say: "when I say xyz, and xyz means to me......".

If the objective is a greater understanding and better communication, then choosing words free from hidden prejudiced undertones, or ambiguity, may offer a good beginning.

Not to mention the effective tool of just listening, of saying nothing at all.

Sometimes the right words can be (to say to yourself): shhhh, be quiet and just listen".

"I don't know what to do, I'm so bored...."

                                                                                                                                                                         

For some people there aren't enough hours in a day, for others there's way too many, and for some, each moment is lived as it presents itself. No racing, no cramming, no dragging, no holding back, life as it happens, moment by moment.......for some, is to be lived. Time is a funny thing, because although we have separated moments and distinguished them by giving them names; seconds, minutes, hours, weeks etc.these are just names, words, for changes taking place. The way we distinguish one "change" from another, is (in this case) using the construct of time. On this blue and green planet, we seem very pre-occupied with this particular human construct, maybe one can even go as far as to say; we march to the beat of the clock with each tick then tock separating the now from the past.

Time as we experience it can be viewed as having moving goalposts; if you are waiting to see the doctor for a stomach pain that's having you bent over in pain, time probably seem to pass very slowly, however, if you are watching an entertaining movie, time may seem as if its "flying" away.

Some people say that time seem to go faster as they grow older, which can be disheartening since not many want to rush "quickly into that dark night", which leads me to ponder; are we even aware of time as it passes, or do most of us look in the mirror one morning and shriek: "Cripes!!! who's that old person in the mirror #^&*!!!!!"

Time passes, and without prejudice, we have no control over it(hold on now, before you launch into cryogenics or quantum science...:)although we certainly have cracks at it. Botox, implants, cosmetic surgery, fervent exercising, multi-vitamins and minerals, spa's, lifestyle changes, phew! and much much more....we try it all to remain the Ferrari/Mercedes Benz we used to be.

But...it is not going to prevent time from mercilessly marching on; we can polish, repaint, and even exchange engine parts, eventually we have to accept that for all our attempts at keeping time at bay, over this we have no control.

And this is good.

When we buy fresh food it often has a use by date on it, (like many other semi-fresh products) and to enjoy our purchase, we use it before the due date. We know it has an expiry date, so we enjoy it while it is fresh and good. A bit like life; we have an expiry date and the fact that we do so, encourages me into thinking that it should be enjoyed while it is still ours for the taking.

Which brings me to boredom.......since I have never experienced it, I have had to do some research to find out what it is...

Heidegger says: "Profound boredom, drifting here and there in the abysses of our existence like a muffling fog, removes all things and men and oneself along with it into a remarkable indifference".

and Fromm, "the search for thrills and novelty that characterises consumer culture are not solutions to boredom, but mere distractions from boredom which, he argues, continues unconsciously".

Often boredom is linked to depression, ennui, lack of stimuli, anxiety, listlessness, and failures of attention. When someone says: "I'm bored!", what is an acceptable response?

Is there a question in that statement? Or when someone says:"I don't want to do it, it's boring", how are we supposed to interpret that statement?

Or "he/she is a boring person"..........is that a statement about the person making the comment, the person whom the comment is about,...or maybe both?

Maybe all of us are "boring" in some persons eyes, and vivacious and entertaining in some one elses, and yet maybe to some, we are unremarkable.......

Could it be that the experience of boredom is a very personal one and as such we have the potential for transforming it by changing our perceptions? Maybe if we become more attentive, look deeper into why we experience something, someone, as boring, we may find an underlying unmet need in ourselves, and by identifying it we may also discover what we ourselves can do to make our lives more fulfilling and satisfying. As each moment presents itself to us we can choose how we want to enjoy, live, that moment, all we have to do really is to be aware of it and since

at this juncture in time we have not as yet perfected time travel, we can not go back in time and do things differently which leaves us only with now, and if we are fortunate enough,...tomorrow.

Life happens now, this is the moment.

Coping with a 'drought'

During the depression in the 1930s the drought left huge American wheat fields and other crops barren, but there was also a drought of hope with the result of a nation on its knees. Hope, history shows, is a very important ingredient for a people to cope and navigate the many twists and turns living a life entails. "Without a progressive vision, men dwell carelessly" a wise man wrote, but without hope, does mankind have enough motivation to want to dwell at all?    Every morning Dwight, a 10 year old boy living in an orphanage dresses up in his best clothes,  packs his small tattered bag and waits by the window. He has been doing so since he was 5 years old and when asked: "Why don't you give up, who's gonna come, whats the point?", Dwight  just answers; "It can happen, it can happen".  In good times it can be easy to become complacent and take much for granted, to forget that in the blink of an eye, everything can change for the worse, similarly, in bad times it can also be easy to loose hope and remember that everything can change for the better in the blink of an eye.

Equilibrium, whatever that may be for each of us, having it disturbed facilitates the opportunity for change. Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor and the author of "Man's search for meaning" wrote: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” We may not always be able to change our situations, but we can change our attitude towards our situations. In between an event/a state of affairs and how we respond, is a space and in this space we have the opportunity to decide how we will cope; our choice and what outcome we desire. Your outcome is a result of that choice.

There will be droughts, there will be downpours, and there will be times when things seem to just flow, life is varied, sometimes simple and yet often, very, very complex. Maybe at this time you feel as if you're in the middle of a "drought", and all you can see is what you are missing. You are not alone, many of us get caught up in expectations and what we feel is our "right" and what we deserve, problem is, does life really owe us anything at all?

The bigger the discrepancy between what we have and what we expect to be having, the bigger the dissatisfaction it seems.

Stripped off possessions, status, adoration and what we "do", ultimately there is only us, the beings.

To quote Viktor Frankl again: “...being human always points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself—be it meaning to fulfil or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself—by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love—the more human he is and the more he actualises himself...."

If you are experiencing a "drought" be it emotional or situational, financial or occupational, you still always have you, and within you is the the potential for breaking that drought. Your mind is wider than the sky, you can affect the "weather" by choosing how to respond. May I suggest Hope as a response, because there is a "chewy" quality to hope; it sticks, it stretches and can be used to hold pieces falling apart; together.

                      

Having that difficult conversation......

Something happened, and in bed at night you start to replay the event. Over and over and each time you get more and more upset. By morning you're exhausted by tossing and turning all night and no clearer as to what happened the other day. You try to remember who said what, but you can mostly remember what you said and what you felt. You felt disrespected, betrayed, misunderstood and treated unfairly. You try to remember what he/she/they said but mostly remember your own words. He/she/they are important to you so you feel that it is necessary for you to clarify what happened, to make sure that you are understood correctly. You decide to say something.....
Is what someone say and what we hear, always the same thing? Is what we say and what the other hears, the same? Many words are very ambiguous and can have many interpretations and sometimes a misunderstanding and resulting conflict may boil down to different definitions of the same word.

Without checking that we are talking about the same definition of for instance: "I'll call you later", maybe "later" can mean in a few minutes, hours, days or even weeks. Or how about "I understand", does that mean "understanding generally", or "I get what you mean", or "I get what you mean and I agree"? Not only can our words be ambiguous, our body language and intonation may also be misread. For some people, a raised tone of voice may be interpreted as a sign of hostility, for others a sign of passion or enthusiasm. Standing too close, too far, another barrier for some. Not to mention the possibilities of misunderstanding through the use of text only via "i-thingy's" or emails.

(There are probably some of you reading this blog questioning some of my choices of words...:)

Some conversations can be very difficult, and so choice of words, timing, body language and personal space become of utmost importance. If we know clearly what our objective is for having that "difficult" conversation and stay focused on it, then we are less likely to be caught up in emotions and be sidetracked. Staying on point, so to speak. If we are not sure that the other understood us, then we should ask, and if we want to make sure we understood the other, we repeat what we heard and ask for confirmation. "So what I heard you say is.......?" or "Can you please tell me what you heard me say, just to make sure we are on the same page?" If our conversation is about hurt feelings, then restricting it to only our own feelings ie: "I feel....hurt, angry, upset etc." rather than blaming the other ie: "You make me feel.........", then in other words, we hold ourselves responsible for our own emotions. Assuming we know what others feel and think and then verbalising it, often leads to more difficulties rather than more understanding and a satisfying outcome. If you have decided that something has to be done; you are upset with a friend, lover, partner, co-worker, then maybe having a good think about how to approach that "difficult" conversation beforehand is useful. Maybe asking some questions of yourself first is a good starting point: "Could I have misunderstood what was said?, Could there be issues behind this situation I am not aware of? Could I have expressed myself more clearly? What outcome am I looking for? Am I ready to accept an answer I may not like? and so on. (There are times when no matter what we do there will be no resolution and all we can do is to move on.)

Many of us find it hard to talk about sensitive topics, to declare our feelings on the

matter plainly, and with the availability of gadgets(texting) offering us an opportunity to use ambiguity as a two-way-mirror, many of us opt for it.

With all the ambiguity already embedded in language itself,

maybe we need to be able to hear the intonation, read the body language and have eye contact.

Maybe we need to speak heart to heart, mind to mind and be always mindful

that we listen as much as we speak.

When the bough breaks........

The wife weeps quietly as her husband is lifted in to the ambulance. Her two children cling to her legs as she gently whispers:"Dad will be alright, he will be alright". They stand in front of their house watching the flashing lights as the ambulance drives away into the night. The neighbours withdraw into their own houses as the wife and her children silently go back into theirs. When the children finally are asleep, the wife sits down at the kitchen table and weeps. Her mind is confused, questions swell like an ocean and she has no answers. She asks herself if she ever really knew her husband, how she could have missed his pain, how did she miss the signs? Her heart is heavy and her body exhausted.          What do you do when the bough brakes?

Do we ever really know what another human goes through, what plagues them, what keeps them awake at night or what prevents them from telling others of it? "Talking therapy" as it was called once, was often, and still is, seen as a bit of a nonsense. What can possibly be achieved by just talking about something, better to take action some may say. Yet there are many who will say that speaking with a psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, a good friend, have changed their lives for the better. "A burden shared, is a burden halved" some say and I tend to agree. So why is it so hard at times to tell others of our concerns, what is the resistance that so many of us face?

I can think of a few such as : lack of trust, fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of becoming too vulnerable, fear of seeming weak, fear of seeming like a loser, fear of having love withdrawn etc.

Hmmm.......no wonder we find it hard to share our concerns. So we bottle it up. We probably have an inner coach telling us: "come on now, you don't need anybody, just walk it off, you can sort it yourself, don't show the kink in your armour" and so on, with the result that the "bottle" keeps being topped up until finally there's no room left and the bottle explodes, or "the bough breaks".

And for the bystanders who have no knowledge of all the "bottling up", the explosion seems like a mystery, out of character, odd and they are left with confusion which often leads to guilt and self-accusations of not having noticed the others inner turmoil.

"Why didn't he/she say something?" "How could I have been so blind?" "Does he/she feel that I wouldn't listen?" "How can I help if he/she doesn't tell me what's wrong?"

We may pendulum between anger and remorse, guilt and righteousness, hope and despair, ignorance or acceptance, or maybe all the above. Possibly it may be helpful to just go through all the different stages, allow the thoughts and emotions to just flush through, noticing them but not staying stuck there. When someone we care for's "bough breaks/bottle explodes",  then we are needed...not as judge and jury, but as fellow humans. For whatever reasons a person may have for not sharing their burdens,.... when the bough breaks, they need to be loved, nurtured and listened to, even if they say not one word.

We show our love and support, we hold back our desire to "fix" the problems, and we wait.

But most of all, we remain there, available, so when a time comes when our friend/partner/lover feels safe enough to share their inner most thoughts,

we hear them.

       

Looking for love.......

Judging by the amount of literature written on the subject of love, it seems it is very important for us humans. According to some, nothing else is more important. There are many different kinds of  expressions of love, so I will limit myself to only one kind; romantic love. What is romantic love? you may well ask and as far as I can ascertain from my own experiences, others recollections, songs, poems, etc.; it is a concept as varied and subjective as taste. Some have said: "you'll know it when it happens to you", others have said "It's like finding the missing part of your soul", "It's like becoming obsessed, you want to be with him/her all the time" and so the list goes on. Is romantic love about the other, about what I feel when I am with the other, about what the other "does" for me, or something else all together? When we go in search for that person who will make us feel "whole/content/appreciated/connected" etc. is that about a relationship, validation, human contact, intimacy,closeness, etc.etc., about receiving, about giving, or both or something all together different? Many have expressed it as: "looking for my soul mate". If we do find our soul mate, do we know that he/she will remain so forever? Do we want it to last forever, is "forever" even a possibility in matters of the heart? Absolutely, some will say, maybe, I hope so, it's worth a try, or "better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all". Some will testify to the transforming qualities inherent in "loving", of lives becoming more meaningful and fulfilling, due to sharing it with someone with whom they have a deep and reciprocal relationship with. Others express feeling a sense of wholeness, feeling understood and appreciated in a profound way. Love, it seems, can be a very powerful emotion.

For love to be "real" love, and not just an infatuation, a crush, a fleeting moment of a collapse of ones ego barriers, etc. are there certain criteria that has to be met? How do we recognize "true" love? Maybe this passage of words written a very long time ago and attributed to Paul of Tarsus will be of assistance: "Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious or boastful, arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice in wrongdoings, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Could it be that no "looking" is necessary, is it possible that we begin with the stance of being "loving" and love will find us?

"Ask not what love can do for you, but what you can do for love."

Ordinary days....

A new day begins, and many of us tend to follow certain patterns of behaviours that we perform every day without giving it much thought. We have a "frame", which can be explained as a complex schema of unquestioned beliefs and values, on which we use when inferring meaning.

The meaning of any situation or any set of  circumstances is then found in the "frame" in which we view it.       What is an ordinary day?                                           

 My suggestion is that an ordinary day is one where basically things/events unfold according to our expectations; they fit in to our "frame".  These ordinary days seem to merge one into the other virtually seamlessly and on reflection, time seems to fly by. There are other kinds of days too; bad days, stressful, wonderful, frightening, exceptional, slow, confusing, complex, and happy, to mention but a few.                    

So, maybe at this point it may be good to describe an ordinary day in an ordinary persons life?   (With this I am inferring a person with a job of some description, living in a society free from war, revolutions, extreme natural, financial or health disasters.)

When turning on the tap, out comes fresh water to drink. When needing light, the light switch is flicked on, and there is no more darkness. When needing to warm up the living quarters, the heater is turned on. When needing to go to the shop, the car is used. When going to work a choice is made between using a car or communal transportation. When struck with an unexpected illness, a trip to the hospital will take care of it and so on. Ordinary?

What about a not so ordinary day, what about a "bad" day?

You wake up late for work because the alarm didn't go off, due to a thunderstorm in the night.

There is no electricity, so you cant make your morning coffee, nor can you have a shower because the water pump for the hot water also relies on electricity. You race to the train station only to find that all trains have been stopped due to a tree falling across the tracks due to the thunderstorm.

Does not ordinary look good now?

Reframing, psychologists call it when we step back from what is happening and consider the frame, or 'lens' through which this reality is being created.  Understanding our unspoken assumptions, may encourage us to use other 'lenses', to challenge our assumptions/expectations and look at our situations in other ways.

Maybe it would be beneficial for us to occasionally consider how extraordinary all the ordinary is.

Instead of taking for granted; clean water to drink, electricity to light up our world, cool or heat our environments, charge our many gadgets and machines, food that can be purchased ready for consumption instead of having to be sown, grown and harvested, and roofs over our heads that can withstand most weathers; we could be grateful.

Existential vertigo



 



What does this image depict you think? Whatever your answer may be, I'm pretty sure mine will be different. Even if I claim to "know" what it is, would I necessarily be right?

And this is where the vertigo begins......................

During a morning run, just an average day, suddenly I had a surprising thought.

Following behind another runner as he dipped in and out of view, it dawned on me to ask: when I don't see him, does he still exists?

At any moment he could veer off out of sight, take another route, and as far as I would be concerned, he would cease to "exist".

Further along my path I climb a set of stairs and at the top of those stairs, my track goes past a huge hole in the ground. I run on the edge of the hole which has a 20 metre drop, and in order not to get vertigo, I have to look straight ahead and focus on the track up ahead. This lead me to ponder the following: I could focus on the ground under my feet, (now) the hole behind me as I passed it, (the past) or the path up ahead, (the future), but I could not do all at the same time. Switching between the three positions seemed to make me dizzy.

Which of these three positions would constitute "reality"?

When we use the word "reality" what do we actually mean, and is there an objective reality untouched by humans interactions?

Here are some suggestions of an "objective reality": The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

Another: In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible. A still more broad definition includes everything that has existed, exists, or will exist.

For some of us it's easy, no philosophy necessary: reality is that which you can touch, smell, see, hear, or taste.

If sense-data is the criteria for what is real, then what about imagination, inspiration, love, ideas, etc.?

Are they not also "real"? Descartes said; "I think, therefore I am". Spinoza said: "Mind and body are one." John Locke: "Everything we know is gained from experience".

Leibniz suggested : "There are two kinds of truths: Truths of reasoning and truths of fact".

And on it goes, there are many theories as to what "reality" is it seems.

OK, so there I was....running, with all these thoughts doing their own bit of "running" in my mind.

I came to the conclusion that I had to just decide to focus on my path just a bit further up the track, since both looking at my feet and behind me made me loose my stride. Could it be that reality consists of the past, the now and the future all at the same time?

It's just the focus that shifts.

Could it be that the perception of what is real to you make it real and if something exist to you, that is the state of things..........for you... and maybe, that's all that's needed?

If  "Man is the measure of all things" (Protagoras) then what mankind experiences is highly subjective and no two experiences will be identical just like no two sets of fingerprints are.

"Reality", one may then possibly conclude, is in the experience of the beholder.

 

(This image is a photo of bubbly water flowing across some rocks) 

Facing the unknown

Do you feel uncertain and insecure when faced with the prospect of entering into situations you have not encountered previously? Many of us do. We prefer to know what will happen next.
As technology advances exponentially, we "know" more and more about the world around us but does "knowing" more make us more certain? According to statistics, more and more people today suffer from anxiety related issues than ever before. Feeling insecure may lead to fears and a desire for more safety. Desiring safety, we may start to make compromises, and having made those compromises, we may start to feel discontented.
Is there really enough safety to keep all uncertainty at bay?
Should we all build walls, arm ourselves with guns, be suspicious of everything and everybody? Someone has said: "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived" and the words encourage me to ponder if maybe overcoming our fears would not maybe be a better starting point for feeling more certain and secure.



When faced with fears, especially those which are hard to define, I have found it helpful to ask myself some questions.

First I ask: This which I fear, exactly what is it? Second: Is what I fear, a threat to my life?

Third: Have I encountered this that I fear, before? If I have dealt with this kind of fear before, Forth:  How did I deal with the fear? Fifth: What was the outcome?

Some say that basically these are the fears we deal with in different trappings; the fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and the fear of not being loved.

( For people who live in very precarious situations, there is the added fear and fight for survival)

To be alive, to live, includes elements of risk. Falling in love, we risk being hurt.

Having children, we risk losing them. Following our "dreams", we may risk facing an uncertain future. Caring for others, we risk being rejected. Opening our heart, we risk being taken advantage of and so on........but.....

Loving someone, be it a friend, lover, child, we gain intimacy and connection. Having a go at following our "dreams" we gain esteem, fulfilment and enjoyment. Being compassionate we gain a sense of belonging, of an inner bond with mankind. Having an open heart, we gain the possibility for many wonderful experiences of living, giving and learning.

For the "unknown" to become the "known" to us, there will always be a "gate" of uncertainty

to walk through, question is; what kind of life do we want?

Do we want a life bursting with a myriad of possibilities or a life full of regrets.......either way, uncertainty must be faced.

Change is a constant.

"Everything in the Universe, including man, is a part of an endless flow of life" (Rumi)

Music as a language

Is music a universal language?
A group of researchers decided to find out. Armed with images displaying faces showing different emotional states and a number of varying pieces of music, they set about their task. They would play a piece of music and then ask the participants to find an image that reflected the music the best.
No words were used, only images and music. This they did in many different locations, situations, and communities all over the world. The people taking part in this experiment were from all walks in life, nationalities, profession's, and age groups. A pattern emerged quite early into the experiment; regardless of culture, nationality, etc., people seemed to choose the same way.

In a tribe in the Kalahari desert, a people who had never ever heard "western" music, when asked to pair the images of faces with the music, they choose a "sad" face for music in the minor keys and a "happy" face for pieces in major keys. Amazing!
 Seems there is some truth to the statement that music is a universal language. Which makes me consider the spoken language.

 What about words?
A much trickier proposition. We can say one thing and yet our facial expression may say another. Language, although it can be so very precise, can also be extremely ambiguous.

Let's consider an example: "I have told you the truth, there are no black swans" says a person who has never seen one. "You're wrong, there are black swans" says the Australian who has seen many black swans. Who is telling the truth?
 "It's cold today" says the Tahitian, "No, it's warm" says the Swede. Who is telling the truth?
Are they not both telling the truth, as they see it? And how about statements like: "You're wrong, that's not real, that's not/that is a fact, that's not/that is normal, that's the only way to do it/that is not how you do it, and so on.........

Very specific yet the very definition of wrong, real, truth, fact etc. can vary immensely. Unless we have agreed on a definition of the words, we may actually be speaking at crossed purposes.

 How about the "language" of music?

Do we find it easier to accept differing perceptions with music than we do with words?

"Wow, how sad was the music?" you say to your friend and he/she replies: "Well, I didn't find it sad, rather quite moving".

Is there a "right"( see, how ambiguous the word can be?)  answer here? Maybe your definition of "sad" is the same as your friend's definition of "moving"? How can we know? Is it important to know exactly in this case? 

The collective experience of listening to music as performed live before us in concert halls or other music venues, can be invigorating, unifying and emotionally stimulating, and at the same time a deeply personal experience.

Words, of course, at it's best, may also stimulate, invigorate and unify; I'm thinking of Martin Luther King Jr's "I have a dream" speech......or Winston Churchill's "Blood, sweat and tears".

With music we can allow ourselves to become intimate with our own emotions, and still collectively be connected. Whether we are with others or on our own when we are enjoying the language of music, there seem to still always be a sense of being a part of something more than the self. Compare that with the language of words; even among friends and loved ones, have we not all at some point or another experienced times when we have felt misunderstood, vulnerable and quite.....solitary.
The language of music on the other hand, be it in Vienna, Alaska, Italy, or even the Kalahari desert, is universal it seems...and no interpretation, translation or definition, needed.

Now where did I put that flute, I got to tell you something........:)