Loving is easier when we let go of expectations.........

Have you ever heard of the term the ''Golden Rule''?

In short, one may call it a principle of reciprocity

as in: Treat others as you would want others to treat you.

Many view it as a culturally universal ethical tenet.

That is, regardless of nationality, religion or political

''flavour'', it is a fundamental human-made concept

/construct that helps us to truly consider the well-being

of others.

The ancient Greeks thought of the Golden Rule

as especially fundamental to one of four kinds of love

(Eros, Storge, Agape, Philia) that they named Philia.

Philia represented a kind of love founded 

on loyalty, commitment, steadfastness and

an open and honest companionship/friendship.

Philia does not include romantic feelings, although,

at times a love that may have started out as a 

friendship/companionship kind of love can

deepen and transform into including romantic

feelings/emotions.

And, of course,.... the opposite.

My personal observation is that although any

kind of Love is often complex and comes with a 

myriad of obstacles to overcome, Romantic Love

(Eros) seem to be the trickiest kind of them all

due to the volatility of romantic feelings.

(We may ''fall in love'', but we may also ''fall out

of love''.)

However, I've come to hold the opinion that

us humans often trip ourselves up by investing

far too much importance on allowing expectations

to override our hearts aspirations. 

If you love me, then you................

If you call yourself my friend, then you.........

You're family so you should...........

Since I feed and take care of you Dog/Cat/ other animal,

you should obey me............

Since we are both humans you should at least........

Uncertainty is something us humans don't like much

and to love often includes an element of vulnerability,

openness and trust and this, this we often experience as

very risky business.

Although we often probably do not think of love

as transactional in nature, (as in: as long as you love me, 

I will love you back.) letting expectations

take control of our feelings of love with demands of

those expectations being fulfilled often tend to

result in more of a transaction rather than a mutual

exchange of love.

Another aspect of love I have also been pondering is

how easy it can be to forget that for anything alive

and or living to flourish and grow, is that it needs

nurturing, a tending to.

Alas, here comes the Golden Rule.

Because I love you I will.........

Dear friend, I so appreciate and love you.........

You're family and though we don't see eye to eye

on everything, I do still love you.......

You're a good doggie, kitty, and because I love you I will........

Madam/Sir, you look tired, will you let me help you........

Any kind of love expressed comes with the potential

and or possibility of rejection.

However, those in the know reckons that love

is not an emotion/feeling, but an enduring state of

mind in which we consistently care for the well-being

of others and may I also suggest, all the critters and

other living things that share

this planet with us.

''Ask not what Love can do for you,

ask what you can do for Love.''

(Citizen Z and JFK)

''Mankind is the game of risk as played out

on a planet it calls Earth.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas, some editing in

Elements

 

Love is an emotional process, not a logical position.

A few years ago one of my readers contacted me and asked

if I could write about love.

-What kind of love? I asked him.

-What do you mean with what ''kind of love''? he answered.

-Well, in my view the word ''love'' is one of those words

that often when we use it, we redefine it, I responded.

-I've never thought of if that way but I would really

appreciate it if you could share some of your thoughts 

on it. 

Since he asked so nicely I told him I would give it a try.

Love, in my view, is a high wire act.

How so?

''Love'' as far as I understand it, is like

 an umbrella term for an array of different

kinds of deeply experienced and held emotions.

We may say that we ''love'' cheese, cars, music, art,

rainy days, flowers, surfing, hanging out with friends,

binge our favourite shows, play with our kids,

etc. etc. etc. but I have a feeling that when we use

the word ''love'' about those things, we are not talking

about the kind of love we use to define how we

feel about our nearest and dearest.

Why High wire act?

As I view it,

love is often a balancing act including

all manners of risky elements and

 authentic love will require from us to

embrace the risk of the unknown and the

possibility of loss and or transformation.

I have used the word ''authentic love''

because I believe that there are times

when we may confuse what we call love

with what may perhaps be ''better'' defined

as what we believe we need.

If we believe that our happiness/quality of

life hinges on being the recipient of other's

love, attention and respect rather than

the love, attention and respect we offer

others, are we trying to fulfill a need

based on satisfying our ego or are we

trying to express and communicate 

our authentic feelings of love?

Basically, the difference between love and needs

may be:

''Love lets go. Needs hold on.''

(Neale Donald Walsch)

Have we idealized love to the extent that we

have now come to develop unrealistic

expectations of what it is supposed to be and

what it should do for us?

Does expectations really have anything to do 

with love???

I don't believe so.

I believe that love is fluid and malleable

rather than static and unchangeable.

An emotional process rather than a logical

position.

According to the ancient Greeks there are

 different kinds of love:

Storge {family love/including pets}

Agape {love for our fellow humans, critters}

Philia {friendship/platonic love}

Eros {romantic/passionate love}

Different as these different kinds of love

may be, they do have one thing in common:

Expectations.

 Often unspoken but strongly assumed.

Expectations have a lot to do with 

determining how we view our reality.

When or if our expectations are not 

aligning with the way we view our reality,

we often feel let down, disappointed or frustrated.

Mother to son: I expected you to come home earlier.

Son: Why? I told you I didn't know when I would be back.

Father to daughter: Is that what you're wearing???

I expect you to dress decently.

Daughter: Why? This is what all my friends are wearing.

Wife to husband: I expected you home earlier.

Why didn't you call me?

Husband: I'm sorry. My battery died.

Lover to lover: If you love me you should know

how I feel about it.

Lover: I do love you but I don't always know what

you feel.

Etc. etc. etc. etc.

Love, whether of the Storge, Agape, Eros or Philia

kind, fares more harmoniously in my view when

we act with patience, resilience, compassion,

forgiveness, attention and with a whole hearted

 commitment to others wellbeing.

Love may at times appear to be an enigma,

that elusive something that always seem to be out of reach.

Take courage my friend, for the truth of it is.

That deep inside of you, the very core of you, 

is where love lives.

about the image: water colour on paper edited

in Elements

It takes courage to love...........

Slowly she lowers her arm holding the bow.

She raises her eyes and with as much disdain and

defiance as she can muster, she glares at the conductor.

There will be consequences, this she knows, but she

is so tired and hungry that she no longer cares.

For days she and her fellow musicians have rehearsed

the same five pieces of music over and over, so now,

they are all exhausted and at the brink of collapsing.

Head bowed and staring at the floor, she gathers up all her

 courage and then petitions the conductor for a few minutes

 rest and a cup of water for everyone.

Her petition is granted and as the ragtag little orchestra

sits down on the cold, dirty and inhospitable floor, the

conductor fills a battered tin cup with water and hands it to

her to pass around.

In an attempt at finding

 some warmth, they all sit close together

while silently passing the tin cup one to another.

With the music now silent they can hear the noise

from the goings on outside their so called ''rehearsal space''.

At the sound of the ratatatataa and a woman's scream,

she grabs her friend Vira's hand and together they quietly

say a prayer. But a few minutes later all the orchestra members

are holding each others hands and have joined in

in the prayer.

A few moments later their momentary reprieve from their 

harsh reality is broken as the conductor shouts Enough! 

and they are ordered to start playing again.

One by one they pick up their instruments

and as the conductor raises his baton and count them in,

 like a mist the music of Beethoven permeates the

cold stale air in Barrack 14 at the Theresienstadt

concentration camp.

*

The above graphite drawing is my interpretation

of a photo I found.

The photo was taken at the Theresienstadt

concentration camp, the story.....taken from

my imagination.

I wish 

that we would chose to stop the killing of each other

I wish

that we would chose to be more accepting of each other

I wish

that we would chose to care much more for one another

I wish

that we would chose to listen more to those we call ''others''

I wish 

that we would chose to be more caring sharing lovers

I wish

that we would chose to honour humans of all colours

I wish

that we would chose be kind to all of us who hungers

I wish

that we would chose to build, restore and lift each other

I wish 

that we would chose to learn much more about each other

I wish

that we would chose to focus more on what we all have

in common,

and take a moment to consider

that what hurts us,

 also hurts others.

''Love one another but make not a bond of love:

let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your

souls.''

(Kahil Gibran)

above painting: acrylic on canvas