Leaking emotions..........

-I don't know how to explain it other than to say that I feel

like I'm ''leaking'', she said.

-Leaking? How so? I asked.

-It feels as if no matter how much I try to keep my

emotions all locked up, they are somehow still slowly

leaking out of me.

-Why do you have to keep your emotions all locked up?

Why can't you express them?

-Oh, no, that won't do. Expressing my emotions will

make me weak.

-Weak? 

-Yes, only weak people express their emotions.

-What makes you think that only weak people

express their emotions?

-That's just how it is. Well, that's what I was taught anyways.

-So, if you were feeling hurt, you had to pretend that you weren't?

-Oh, yes. 

-What about when you were feeling angry, upset, or annoyed?

-Usually if I showed any of those feelings I would be sent

to my room and told to stay there until I had calmed down. 

-Didn't that make you feel even more angry?

-Sometimes, but I learned how to swallow it all. Although,

there were times when I would scream into my pillow just to

 get it out.

-What would you do if you were really sad?

-The same, cry into my pillow. 

-So, if you were not allowed to show your feelings, what

about your parents? They never showed their feelings either?

-My father, not so much. Although, when it came to things

not doing what he wanted them to do he could really

blow a gasket. People, on the other hand, he seemed to have

 more patience with.

-What about your mother?

- I have seen her get very emotional at times.

-How would she deal with her emotions?

-I think that maybe she was brought up to ''put on

a happy face'' whatever she was feeling.

-Is that what you are trying to do? I mean, something

like that. Like hiding or subduing your feelings?

-Although I've never been told this in words, deep down

inside of me there's a voice telling me to ''keep calm

and carry on'' no matter what I'm feeling. 

To be strong, to not let feelings overcome me, rather,

.......overcome them by being pragmatic.

-What's different now then? Why do you now feel as if

you're ''leaking''?

-I don't know. 

-Let me ask you this. Do you still really think that

expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness?

What if you are leaking because the time has come

for you to start expressing your true feelings?

If not to others at least to yourself.

-But if I do that, will not others view me as weak?

-Well, some may but some may not.

Going through something really traumatic in my early

20's I was faced with a dilemma similar to yours.

Lucky for me however, someone said something to me that

changed my life: ''It takes strength to accept and

own one's weaknesses.''

Feelings, are not signs of weaknesses, rather, they 

assist us in identifying issues we need to deal with.

Pretending that we don't feel what we are feeling

will not make them go away. Doing so often just

intensifies them.

Acknowledging what we feel is important, 

identifying what kind of feelings they are is

also important, and so is expressing them in

a non-threatening and conducive way.

-Like how?

-Beginning our sentences with ''I feel angry/sad/upset/confused

etc. etc. when............'' instead of ''you make me......''

-I see, so to stop the ''leaking'' I need to

identify what I am leaking and why?

-I think that would be a very good starting point.

-Okay then. As I'm feeling parched, can we have that coffee

now, please?

Feeling in dire need for a strong coffee myself,

off we went to the nearest café.

''When we deny our emotion, it owns us.

When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and

find our way through [the pain] it.''

(Brenè Brown)

about the painting: plastic mask glued to large 

canvas, painted with acrylics, some Elements editing

Title: Help! I'm leaking.