''I know just how you feel''.
Something we may say in an attempt to comfort
someone. To show that we are on his/her side.
That we understand what he/she is going through.
But do we? Can we?
So here is my quandary: Is it possible for any one of us to truly
know what another human feels?
''There are things that we know. There are things that we know
that we don't know. And then there are things that we don't know that
we don't know.'' ( said by ?)
When we say that we know something...what do we really mean?
Perhaps we may mean that we understand, comprehend, apprehend,
grasp something. I guess it may depend on context?
However, the ''knowing'' bit becomes in my view quite murky
when we add ''feelings'' to the knowing.
Some years ago I did a crisis counselling course and one of
the most profound wisdoms I gained from the course was
how limited my vocabulary was when it came to feelings.
(This I discovered when during an exercise we were asked
to write down 20 different feelings and I failed miserably at
doing so.)
You feel sad? As in: down, miserable, depressed, lonely,
unhappy, downhearted, etc. etc. etc.?
You feel angry? As in: upset, frustrated, cross, annoyed, irritated,
irate, etc. etc. etc.?
You feel bored? As in: disinterested, blasé, fed up, uninterested,
etc. etc. etc.?
You feel unhappy? As in: sad, miserable, rejected, dejected,
despondent, alienated, dispirited, etc. etc. etc.?
You feel lost? As in: unmotivated, directionless, discouraged,
alienated, dispirited, isolated, etc. etc. etc.?
The more specific we can be when we are verbally
communicating our feelings/emotions, the easier it will
be for others to understand/decode what we are trying
to convey.
However, as a lot of communication these days may
perhaps exponentially be exchanged into text form, and so possibly
rather than increasing our vocabularies, we may find
them shrinking.
As far as I can ascertain, although texting has a lot
of pluses, it also has minuses.
Communicating through texting we are not able to
convey body-language, facial expressions, tone and
emotion, eye contact and ''build'' a genuine connection
and trust.
That's what emoji's are for, you may say.
Yes, we can use emoji's but emoji's can apparently
(I have discovered) be used ''ironically'' and
they can create ambiguity and confusion.
Texting encourages rapid-fire, single-thought conversations,
but when it comes to sensitive and sincere conversations,
in my view such are often ''better'' (more conducive to)
face to face.
Let's imagine a convo on a mobile/cell phone.
Sender: Feeling down today. 😔
Receiver: Why?
Sender: Dunno. Hard to say.😟
Receiver: Everyone feels a bit down sometimes
I know just how you feel. 😏
Sender: You do too?
Receiver: Nah, not me. I stay positive.😎
Sender: You wanna catch up later?
Receiver: Sorry, got stuff to do. I'll call you later.
Sender: Okay. Later then.
Doing the counselling course I learned a few very gentle
and simple but profound new ways of ''conversing''.
If someone tells me he/she is feeling down, low, sad, etc....
don't ask why, just say ''How can I help?''.
If someone tells me that he/she is feeling lonely,
don't ask why, just offer to listen.
If someone tells me that he/she feels anxious, nervous, etc..
don't tell him/her you know ''just how it feels'',
just ask: ''How long have you been feeling this way?''
If someone texts me saying that he/she is feeling lost and confused,
don't ask anything just text back:
''Please call me so we can chat properly
or would you like to come over?''
I still have to remind myself to not use the phrase
''I know just how you feel''. The intention for using it
may be good, but it is not really helpful.
Even if we may be going through (or have gone through) what
seems to us to be a similar experience, we can not ''know''
what someone else is feeling. Our feelings are unique to us
as they are founded on our interpretations and perceptions of
our life experiences.
''There seem to be some questions and quandaries in life
for which in spite of much pondering, no answers can be found.
Though such may be the case, a listening ear and a gently spoken word,
soothes, restores and even sometimes heals... even the greatest wounds.''
(Citizen Z)
''Effective communication is 20% what you know,
and 80% how you feel about what you know.''
(Jim Rohn)
about the image: charcoal on baking paper, some editing in Elements
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