Hurt people hurt people.
Ask a child why he/she pushed his/her friend/sibling
and I'll bet the answer will be: ''He/she did it first.''
We learn early to respond in kind.
An eye for an eye, although, does that really make us
feel any better?
According to Gandhi, an eye for an eye only ends up
making the whole world blind.
Thoughts of revenge may feel good, but acting out
actions of revenge may actually cause us more
problems and suffering.
Ever since I was little I have been pondering why
someone who knows (have experienced) hurt would want to
inflict the same on someone else.
Why would hurting someone else make me feel any better?
What would make me feel better is if the person hurting
me would explain to me why he/she is doing it.
For years my son was bullied at school and there was times
when I was tempted to tell my son to just hit them
back when they hit him. (I was told by people that
not until he started to hit back, they (the bullies) were not
going to stop.) But I don't believe in ever solving problems
with violence, so rightly or wrongly, I would listen
to my son, ask questions about why he thought they
were bullying him, and what he thought was the best
way to respond.
At 12 years old he told me: ''Why should I hurt them, they are
already hurting deep inside.''
Twelve years old and he had already figured out that hurt people
hurt people.
(As far as I know, he has never intentionally physically or
emotionally hurt someone.)
I know there's a saying: Revenge is a dish best served cold, but I
believe revenge is best not served at all.
In between something happening and a response to that happening,
I believe there is a space.
That space offers us an opportunity and freedom to choose how
we will respond.
Our kneejerk reaction may be to strike back if someone
says or does something hurtful to us, but usually that tends
to escalate rather than deescalate the situation.
(I am not talking about life threatening situations but
everyday kind of situations.)
It may feel counter intuitive to respond with a question
but I have found that it can often calm things down.
''I can see that you are angry, can you tell me why?''
''I can see that you are upset, can you tell me why you are
upset?''
''If I have offended you, I apologize.''
Most of us probably believe that standing up for ourselves
is a good thing, and here's the good news,
to do so is quite possible to do without intentionally hurting
anyone else.
How we respond is our responsibility, not others.
We may not be able to change someone else's cycle of
hurts, but we can make sure that we don't pass on our own.
To do so we need to know ourselves, and doing
a bit of self-reflection now and then can be a very helpful
tool in my view.
''Remember that when you say something unkind,
when you do something in retaliation, your anger increases.
You make the other person suffer, and they try hard to do
or say something back to make you suffer, and
get relief from their suffering.
That is how conflict escalates.''
(Thich Nhat Hanh)
''Hurt people may hurt people,
but people can choose to not hurt people back.''
(Citizen Z)
about the image: white and black charcoal on
cardboard
No comments:
Post a Comment