In 1967 the Beatles released a song titled: ''All you need is love".
I was 15 years old and my first love had just broken my heart
by dropping me for someone else.
Every time the song came on on the radio I crumbled inside
and just hearing the words ''All you need is love'' made me angry.
I still remember how hurt I felt and how I thought that
I would never be able to love someone again.
Love however it turns out, comes in many different guises.
C. S. Lewis writes in his book ''The Four Loves'' about four different
kinds of love:
Eros: Romantic/passionate love
Philia: Love of friends and equals/non-romantic
Storge: Love of children by parents/familiar love
Agape: Love of something ''bigger'' than the self
Love is complicated. Loving is complicated.
Life has taught me that the word ''love'' can be used
as a weapon, as a bartering tool, as a measuring tool,
as a black-mailing chip, as a tool for manipulation,
etc. etc. just as well as an expression of deep-felt
positive regard and emotions toward something and or
someone.
Sentences beginning with: ''If you love me then.........''
are highly suspicious to me. So is: ''But I love you so
much and that's why I.............''
My personal view is that expectations and or entitlement
has little to do with love.
It seems to me that we love someone when we care more about
the other as he/she is rather than who we think they should
become; when we reveal ourselves honestly and vulnerably,
just as we offer the same for the other.
We love someone when we act with patience, resilience,
compassion, forgiveness, attention and a whole-hearted
commitment to their well-being.
How we view love has a lot to do with whether we view
it as a feeling or more of a mindset methinks.
Take the expression ''falling in love'' for instance.
How exactly do we ''fall'' in love?
''Ooops, I tripped and now I am in love?'' or
''Ooops, I tripped and fell out of love?''
Some time ago a friend came to me and told that he
was heart broken because his wife had told him that
she didn't know if she still loved him.
''I don't know what I'll do without her'', he told me.
As I listened to him talking about his wife and about
how much he loved her it dawned on me that he actually said very
little about his wife.
-So, what about her to you love so much George?
-I love how she makes me laugh, how she makes me feel loved,
how she makes me feel safe, how she makes me feel........
-I see, but what do you love about her that does not have
anything to do with you, George?
-What do you mean? he asked.
-I mean, her qualities as an individual human being
outside of your marrige.
-I'm not sure of what you mean, can you give me an
example, please?
-Sure. I can give you a few. For example:
I love her because she is a patient and caring person.
I love her because she is kind to everyone. I love her because
she really listens when her friends talk with her etc. etc.
George got what I was saying and when I bumped into
him and his wife a few weeks later his wife pulled me
aside and said: ''I don't know what you've said to George
but Thank you, we are together again and he is a changed man.''
After having experienced a particularly difficult break-up
I discovered that I did not need to be in a relationship
in order to love my ex.
All the qualities that I loved about my ex did not
go away because we were no longer together,
I could still love my ex at a distance.
That insight set me so free! and changed my interpretation
of love from then on.
I concluded that ownership and entitlement has nothing to
do with love.
Love is all we need.
Because love is patient, love is kind. It does not seek
it's own way, it is not jealous, it doesn't keep score,
it does not hold on to anger and bitterness.
Love hopes, and love endures.
I believe that love, any kind of love, is something we decide to
commit to... unconditionally.
''The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is
unconditional.
The truth is this: love is not determined by the one
being loved
but rather by the one choosing to love.''
(Stephen Kendrick)
about the image: acrylic on canvas (The Beatles; John Lennon,
Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, George Harrison)
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