A single teardrop is one too many........

 

What about the children?

They are not responsible for any of the atrocities so many

of them are and have been forced to endure.

Trauma leaves an indelible mark on everyone who

experiences it.

For emotional and physical trauma, there is no quick-fix

or cure-all magical potion.

Healing from traumatic experiences takes a lot

of time, a lot of patience, a lot of understanding,

and a lot of support.

And of course; the absence of bombs falling on

children's heads, poisonous gasses and chemicals filling

their lungs, tanks and guns firing deadly bullets at them,

having their closest relatives killed in front of their eyes,

going for days and days without food or water or a safe

place to rest.

Any kind of experience that a child experiences as

traumatic has the potential to keep on hurting

the child for years.

Some say that children are naturally resilient, that they get over it,

that they adapt.....but I'm not so sure about that.

Current thinking in child development and neuroscience

is that children are not naturally resilient, rather, evidence shows

that they are particularly vulnerable to traumatic experiences.

Children have not learned how to process and understand

 complex emotions,

and not understanding what they are experiencing, they

have no language to express what they are feeling.

It may be more convenient for us adults to believe that

children are resilient but the fact is that children create

their view of life on their experiences as they perceive

them, and whatever suffering they experience, has a

profound impact on their psyche and well-being.

Unless those of us who call ourselves ''adults''

start to face our own traumas and figure out

how to deal with them in a life-affirming way,

there is a high probability that we will do or and say

things that will inflict trauma on our own or other's

children.

We really need to do better.

''It is easier to build strong children than to repair

broken men [and women].'' (Frederick Douglass)

''There can be no keener revelation of a society's

soul than the way in which it treats its children.''

(Nelson Mandela)

about the images: Top: Graphite pen on paper

Bottom: Water colour on paper Title: ''A single teardrop is one

too many''

Times flies! Well, not in the dentist's chair............

 The concept of time fascinates me.

There are a number of different interpretations of what it is,

but before I jot a few down let me just say this:

Sometimes it seems as if it just flies, yet other times

it seems to just stand still.

For instance: When I'm sitting in a dentist's chair time seems to

move very slowly, yet when I'm enjoying a therapeutic

back massage(I have scoliosis) it definitely flies.

Pondering this I have concluded that how we experience 

time has a lot to do with what we're doing. 

Wikipedia: ''Time is the continued sequence of existence

and events that occurs in an apparently irreversible

succession from the past, through the present,

into the future.''

Carlo Rovelli: ''Time is an illusion: our perception of

its flow doesn't correspond with physical reality.''

Time is very much the ''boss of us''.

From the moment we are born the amount of time we are

allotted to live, is unknown.

We have no power to change the past, nor do we have

the power to change the future, we only have the power

to decide what to do with the present.

Yet, many of us often find it quite difficult to ''stay

in the present''.

Some suggest that one of the reasons why we may find it

so hard to stay in the present is that we constantly

keep an inner monologue(mental chatter) going telling

us what we shouldn't have done and or what we have to do 

''tomorrow''.

Often our mind swings back and forth between the past

and the future without us really being aware of it

doing so. If the past contains a lot of pain and the future

a lot of worry, this can be very exhausting.

And, while we are torn between these polarities,

we have ''lost'' the present(time).

For years anxiety was eating me up. My mind just would 

not shut up chastising me for all the ''wrongs'' I had done

and for the awful ramifications of those wrongs 

could have on my son. 

(Wrongs as in getting divorced, working too much,

being away too much rehearsing and playing music, etc.)

Not until I had my first

panic attack did I realize that I needed to do something

about it.

Explaining my symptoms to my doctor, she calmly told

me that I had had a panic attack and that she thought

that I was suffering with GAD, Generalized Anxiety

Disorder.

She handed me a small book and urged me to read it.

I did, and that was the beginning for me learning how

to deal with my busy, constantly chatting mind.

A trick I found, was to observe the thoughts in my mind 

as an ''outsider''. In other words, becoming

aware of what I was thinking and then redirect my

thoughts to where I was and what I was doing in the

present, or just replace them with more life affirming ones.

 ''Thoughts are just thoughts and I can change them.

They do not control me, I control them.''

Memories belong to the past and worries belong in the

future. Since I can't change the past and the future has not

happened yet, living has to take place in the present, became

my mantra.

How we experience the passing of time is a matter of

perception in my view. 

Have you heard of the term Flow?

Or ''being in the zone''?

Basically, being in the zone or a state of flow is when

a person is so immersed in what they are doing

that everything else becomes blurred.

(Subconscious consciousness is what it feels

like to me. :)

Action and thought are in total sync and hours upon

hours vanish.......

(Personally I step into the zone when I play music or paint, 

but the idea of it I believe is basically mindfulness.)

Time, when in the zone, becomes irrelevant. The past and 

the future ceases to exist and all there is ...is the now.

Memories, every time we retrieve them, are changed

so say the experts, and many of the things in the

future that we may fear or are scared of,

never actually happen.

However, memories can contribute to our ability to imagine

future events and by doing so we may become better  

''planners''.

If we want to enjoy life we need to actually be present

in it when it happens.

When we eat, we need to taste every bite, when we

breathe, we need to feel every fresh breath, when we

share a moment with a friend or a loved one, 

we need to listen to his or her every word.

Time always moves, but never backwards.

It can't be owned, but it can be used.

It can't be bought, but it can be spent.

It can't be stopped, but it can be valued.

It can't be ignored, but it can be attended.

Sometimes it can be helpful to take a leaf out of

a children's book and just get lost in the moment.

Like a boy and his dog

 just enjoying a summers day.

Side by side, with the sun on their backs,

on the way to nowhere in particular.

about the image: acrylic on large canvas

Title ''Best Friends"

Stillness can be found anywhere............

 -What's so special about Steinway pianos then? my friend asked.

-The sound, the touch. It's hard to explain, I answered.

As we happened to be standing in front of a music shop, I suggested

that we would go in to the shop and I would demonstrate.

We entered the shop, asked one of the shop assistants where

the pianos were and were told that they were on the bottom 

level of the store.

As we entered the piano showroom there were many, many

pianos of varying sizes, colours, prices and brands.

-What I'll do is that I will play the same piece of music

on different pianos and that way you will be able to hear

the difference in the sound each piano makes.

-That okay with you? I asked.

-Sure, my friend answered somewhat irritated.

A few days earlier I had composed a piece of music titled ''Noir'',

a sparse, moody, and quite mellow piece.

It had thick and juicy harmonies, a Mozart like haunting

melody and imbued with a sense of sadness.

Perfect for showcasing the sounds of a piano.

I sat down at a Yamaha upright and began to play.

After having played only a few bars my friend asked: 

-What's that that you're playing? Did you write it?

It sounds so sad.

-Yeah, I wrote it a few days ago and it's dedicated to my son.

I wanted to give him something that showed him that

I understand what he is going through at school.

But let's carry on.

Next, I played a Steinbach, then a Kawai, then on to a 

Baldwin, and so on and so on.

Noticing that my friend was growing impatient, I moved on

to the Grand pianos.

Slowly I edged my way toward a magnificent ''Black Stallion'',

as in a Concert Grand Steinway at the back of the store.

Standing on a riser, lid up, glistening black with a golden

frame holding the strings, there it stood just waiting to

be touched and to set free all the music hidden on the

ivory keys.

As I sat down on the piano stool in front of the Steinway

and looked across the grand piano, I noticed that there was

a number of people standing there and not only my friend.

It was strange because they were all silent.

-Well, I thought, I guess they love Steinway's too.

I lowered my head, gently slid my fingers across the smooth keys

a few times, visualized my son's face, and then played

''Noir'' as if my life depended on it.

When I finished playing, the people at the end of the

grand piano gently clapped their hands and then 

somehow just seemed to disappear.

-Wow, I get it now, Steinway pianos are the best, 

said my friend and then continued: But, really, can

we please get something to eat now, I'm famished.

Just as we were about to leave the showroom, a man

with a nametag stopped us.

-Hey, I know you. I've seen you play a number of times.

That tune that you played, where did you get that from?

-Well, it's called ''Noir'' and I wrote it just a few days ago, I answered.

-Do you have a recording of it? If not, then you really need to

 make one. It's a very beautiful, sad and haunting tune.

I thanked Brian(name on the nametag) for his kind words

and then hurried up the steps to catch up with my friend.

As I entered the street level I noticed a man sitting on a bench

in some sort of (what looked like to me) yoga position.

In the midst of all the hustle and bustle around him

there was an aura of stillness and calmness about him that

made a deep impression on me.

I took a photo of him to remember it.

Years later when I had started to paint I found the photo

and decided to make a painting of it.

The above image is that painting.

About the tune ''Noir'', I did record it and perform

it on a number on occasions with different groups.

I still don't own a Steinway piano as they are way out

of my price range, but I do own a piano that comes

close to the depth an warmth of the sound of a Steinway.

Mind you, my piano has one important advantage that

makes up for it.

It has a headphone socket so that I don't have to drive

my neighbors crazy when I practice scales and other

tedious technical exercises for hours.

''While retreating timely into a break of reflection,

we can conquer the sanity of our mental condition

and find a piece of stillness in the flurry of

the world.''

(Eric Pevernagie)

about the image: acrylic on paper

Noir = french for black

Breaking the cycle of hurt............

Hurt people hurt people.

Ask a child why he/she pushed his/her friend/sibling

and I'll bet the answer will be: ''He/she did it first.'' 

We learn early to respond in kind.

An eye for an eye, although, does that really make us

feel any better?

According to Gandhi, an eye for an eye only ends up

making the whole world blind.

Thoughts of revenge may feel good, but acting out

actions of revenge may actually cause us more

problems and suffering.

Ever since I was little I have been pondering why

someone who knows (have experienced) hurt would want to 

inflict the same on someone else.

Why would hurting someone else make me feel any better?

What would make me feel better is if the person hurting

me would explain to me why he/she is doing it.

For years my son was bullied at school and there was times

when I was tempted to tell my son to just hit them

back when they hit him. (I was told by people that

not until he started to hit back, they (the bullies) were not

going to stop.) But I don't believe in ever solving problems

with violence, so rightly or wrongly, I would listen

to my son, ask questions about why he thought they

were bullying him, and what he thought was the best

way to respond.

At 12 years old he told me: ''Why should I hurt them, they are

already hurting deep inside.''

Twelve years old and he had already figured out that hurt people

hurt people.

(As far as I know, he has never intentionally physically or

emotionally hurt someone.)

I know there's a saying: Revenge is a dish best served cold, but I

believe revenge is best not served at all.

In between something happening and a response to that happening, 

I believe there is a space.

That space offers us an opportunity and freedom to choose how

we will respond.

Our kneejerk reaction may be to strike back if someone

says or does something hurtful to us, but usually that tends

to escalate rather than deescalate the situation.

(I am not talking about life threatening situations but

everyday kind of situations.)

It may feel counter intuitive to respond with a question

but I have found that it can often calm things down.

''I can see that you are angry, can you tell me why?''

''I can see that you are upset, can you tell me why you are

upset?''

''If I have offended you, I apologize.''

Most of us probably believe that standing up for ourselves

is a good thing, and here's the good news,

to do so is quite possible to do without intentionally hurting

anyone else.

How we respond is our responsibility, not others.

We may not be able to change someone else's cycle of

hurts, but we can make sure that we don't pass on our own.

To do so we need to know ourselves, and doing

a bit of self-reflection now and then can be a very helpful

tool in my view.

''Remember that when you say something unkind,

when you do something in retaliation, your anger increases.

You make the other person suffer, and they try hard to do

or say something back to make you suffer, and

get relief from their suffering.

That is how conflict escalates.''

(Thich Nhat Hanh)

''Hurt people may hurt people,

but people can choose to not hurt people back.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: white and black charcoal on

cardboard

All you need is love.....okay, but what kind of love?

In 1967 the Beatles released a song titled: ''All you need is love".

I was 15 years old and my first love had just broken my heart

by dropping me for someone else.

Every time the song came on on the radio I crumbled inside

and just hearing the words ''All you need is love'' made me angry.

I still remember how hurt I felt and how I thought that

I would never be able to love someone again.

Love however it turns out, comes in many different guises.

C. S. Lewis writes in his book ''The Four Loves'' about four different

kinds of love:

Eros: Romantic/passionate love

Philia: Love of friends and equals/non-romantic

Storge: Love of children by parents/familiar love

Agape: Love of something ''bigger'' than the self

Love is complicated. Loving is complicated.

Life has taught me that the word ''love'' can be used

as a weapon, as a bartering tool, as a measuring tool,

as a black-mailing chip, as a tool for manipulation,

etc. etc. just as well as an expression of deep-felt

positive regard and emotions toward something and or 

someone.

Sentences beginning with: ''If you love me then.........''

are highly suspicious to me. So is: ''But I love you so

much and that's why I.............''

My personal view is that expectations and or entitlement

 has little to do with love.

It seems to me that we love someone when we care more about

the other as he/she is rather than who we think they should 

become; when we reveal ourselves honestly and vulnerably,

just as we offer the same for the other.

We love someone when we act with patience, resilience, 

compassion, forgiveness, attention and a whole-hearted

commitment to their well-being.

How we view love has a lot to do with whether we view

it as a feeling or more of a mindset methinks.

Take the expression ''falling in love'' for instance.

How exactly do we ''fall'' in love?

''Ooops, I tripped and now I am in love?'' or

''Ooops, I tripped and fell out of love?''

Some time ago a friend came to me and told that he

was heart broken because his wife had told him that

she didn't know if she still loved him.

''I don't know what I'll do without her'', he told me.

As I listened to him talking about his wife and about

how much he loved her it dawned on me that he actually said very

 little about his wife.

-So, what about her to you love so much George?

-I love how she makes me laugh, how she makes me feel loved,

how she makes me feel safe, how she makes me feel........

-I see, but what do you love about her that does not have

anything to do with you, George? 

-What do you mean? he asked.

-I mean, her qualities as an individual human being

outside of your marrige.

-I'm not sure of what you mean, can you give me an

 example, please?

-Sure. I can give you a few. For example:

 I love her because she is a patient and caring person.

I love her because she is kind to everyone. I love her because

she really listens when her friends talk with her etc. etc.

George got what I was saying and when I bumped into

him and his wife a few weeks later his wife pulled me

aside and said: ''I don't know what you've said to George

but Thank you, we are together again and he is a changed man.'' 

After having experienced a particularly difficult break-up

I discovered that I did not need to be in a relationship

in order to love my ex.

All the qualities that I loved about my ex did not

go away because we were no longer together,

I could still love my ex at a distance.

That insight set me so free! and changed my interpretation

of love from then on.

I concluded that ownership and entitlement has nothing to 

do with love.

Love is all we need.

Because love is patient, love is kind. It does not seek

it's own way, it is not jealous, it doesn't keep score,

it does not hold on to anger and bitterness.

Love hopes, and love endures.

I believe that love, any kind of love, is something we decide to

commit to... unconditionally.

''The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is

unconditional.

The truth is this: love is not determined by the one

 being loved

but rather by the one choosing to love.''

(Stephen Kendrick)

 

about the image: acrylic on canvas  (The Beatles; John Lennon,

Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, George Harrison)