On the windowsill next to my dad's favourite chair stands
a miniature painting that I did for him.
Instead of buying a generic card for one of his birthdays, why not
paint him a mini-painting, I thought.
(The size of the above image is the actual size of the painting.)
Since my father passed away just before Christmas last year, I have
been trying to process the loss.
What I have concluded so far is that I didn't really know him.
I know stuff about him, like that he was very fuzzy about bread
being crispy, that for him music stopped being music in the late 60's,
for him red wine cured all ills, a good cheese was good for the soul,
socks were to be worn no matter how hot the temperature,
all insects had to die, technology was an inherent part of an American
conspiracy, exercise was to be avoided, people in general
were stoopid but politicians more so, etc. etc. etc.
I also know that he more often than not tried his best to be
the best person he could be.
Is it possible to really know somebody?
Are there perhaps different kinds of knowing?
Like: we know of somebody, we know about somebody,
we know somebody intimately, we may know what somebody
looks like, sounds like, behaves like, and so on....but does
that mean that we really, really, know him/her?
At what point in our inter actions with someone
do we come to the conclusion that we really
know that someone?
When we know someone's likes and dislikes, habits,
tastes, behaviour patters, attitudes, values, morals, ethics, etc. etc.?
Knowing such things certainly helps us to think and feel that
we know someone. That is until that someone suddenly does
something we would probably consider to be ''out of character''.
Humans being humans, in my experience, can be and often are,
unpredictable.
Certain circumstances, situations and pressures can influence us
in such ways that we may behave in for us un-characteristic ways.
A person who goes off to war often returns a different person,
which may also often be the case for a person who has experienced
a serious traumatic event, illness, loss, rejection, or some other kind of
harrowing emotional experience.
Two of the most commonest triggers for uncharacteristic
behaviour changes however, is in my view alcohol and drugs.
Some years ago I had to tell a very close musician friend to never
contact me again as her alcohol and drug abuse was out of control
and so was her behaviour. (This was very hard for me to do
as I loved my friend.)
(In truth, I have had to disassociate myself from many fellow
musicians for the same reason.)
Just a few weeks before my father passed I made a last attempt
at getting to know him.
His illness had changed him into a very angry man and I felt
that I no longer knew him no matter how hard I tried
to communicate with him.
''A wee little sparrow
though once a man.
He frets and he roars
as loudly as he can.''
The last time I saw him alive was in the hospital, merely
skin and bones, yelling at me and the nurses at the top of his lungs.
He certainly took Dylan Thomas at his words: ''Do not go gently
into that good night; rage, rage against the dying of the light.''
I asked him if he wanted me to write down some words for my
mother and though barely audible he said: ''Tell her I loved
her, it was always her."
Those were his last words spoken to me.
I know things about him, both good and bad,
but I never really got to know him,
and that's real sad.
I do take comfort in knowing that for years
he kept my little painting next to him as
sat in his chair.
''Knowing your own darkness is the best method for
dealing with the darknesses of other people.''
(Carl Jung)
about the image: acrylic on board
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