Sometimes talking to a stranger can be easier than talking to a friend.......

I look at my watch. 4 am. Four more hours to go. 

Standing in the kitchen at the Crisis Center I hear my phone 

ring again. I grab my coffee and run to my cubicle.

''Stanton Crisis Center, how may I help you?''

I can hear someone breathing on the other end

of the line.

I try again: ''I am listening, can I help you?''

Finally a deep voice answers: ''I've never done this before,

I mean called a Crisis Center, and I don't know if you

can help me, but I guess it's worth a shot.''

''I am happy to give it a try. Why don't you tell me

what's on your mind?''

The caller sighs.

''I can't sleep. My mind just wont shut down. It's like

I've got ants crawling around in my brain. I have never been 

much of a worrier, but nowadays it seems as if all I do

is worry.''

''What do you worry about?''

''Everything. I worry about my kids, I worry about losing

my job, and I worry about if perhaps there is something

wrong with me. 

I've never been an emotional sort of person but lately I seem to

have become one and that worries me.''

''You are concerned about your emotional state of mind?

 Is that right?''

''Yeah. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, but I feel down

most of the time. I don't seem to be able to shake it off

which I am usually able to do.

 It's like there's a dark cloud hanging

over me all the time. That's not normal, is it?''

''You are feeling down which is unusual for you.

You have tried to shake it off but you have not been

able to do so. 

Are you now worried that the feeling

that there is a dark cloud hanging over you is not normal?''

''Yeah, I mean, it's not normal to feel down all the

time is it?''

"Is it okay to feel down sometimes in your view?''

''Sure, it is. It's okay to feel down when there's a good 

reason for it. Like when something bad happens.

I mean, like when my marriage fell apart and I had

to move out. Or when I found out that my daughter was

bullied at school.  Feeling down when stuff like that

happens is normal.''

''It sounds to me as if it is important for you 

to be viewed as normal, is that right?''

''It is. People are too emotional these days, always

on about their feelings. My mum was always on about

expressing one's feelings. Not that it did her any good.

She took an overdose of sleeping pills last year and died.

At the funeral her doctor came up to me and told me that

he had been treating her for depression for years.

Depression? Why had she not told me??!!!''

''I can sense some anger in your tone of voice.

Would I be correct in suggesting that you are angry with

your mother for killing herself?''

''You bet I'm angry! If she would have told me how

down she was feeling I could have done something!

Instead I always feel guilty for not having seen how

bad she was feeling.''

''That feeling of guilt and anger, do you think it may be possible

that it may have something to do with that dark cloud 

that you feel is always hanging over you?''

''Hmmm, I've never thought of it that way.

So, let me see....I am angry with my mum for not

telling me how bad she was feeling, I feel angry with myself

for not having noticed that she was struggling, and I feel

guilty for not having done something about it all.

Is that about the sum of it?''

''Perhaps, what do you think?''

''I guess it is possible. If I am to be honest, it was suggested

to me by my ex that I needed to go and see someone.

She said that after my mum died I'd changed,

 that I had become really moody and withdrawn.

Actually, come to think of it, 

the kids have said the same thing.

So, to get rid of the dark cloud I should go

and see someone? 

Someone like a counselor or a psychologist?

Lay it all out there? Express my feelings??''

There is a touch of sarcasm in the caller's tone

of voice but I ignore it.

''What do you think?''

I can hear the caller taking a deep breath and then letting

out a sigh.

A few extraordinarily long seconds pass in silence, and

then finally: ''I guess it couldn't hurt. I do want to

get back to feeling normal again with a clear

blue sky above my head, void of any dark clouds.''

*********

I did spend a year ''working'' at a Phone Crisis Counseling

Center some years ago, but the above story is merely an example 

of a Phone Counseling session, not an actual one.

''Sometimes it can be easier to tell a stranger

what you're going through than it is to tell a friend.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: acrylic on canvas...  

first I threw a few splashes of colour on the canvas, then I covered the canvas

with black paint. When it was semi-dried, I removed some of the black

paint with a cloth to reveal the face