Listening is an action......

The facilitator sighed deeply.

''Counseling'', she said, ''is not about giving advice, it's about listening.

And when I say listening, I mean active listening.

Active listening is a communication technique that requires from

the listener to re-state and paraphrase in his/her own

words what he/she has heard, and by doing so

confirm with the speaker that they understand

each other.''

''Okay class, so what we are going to do now is to split you up

in to groups of four and practice active listening.''

Although we were in our third week of the Crisis counseling course,

we didn't really know each other.

Yet, somehow, groups of four were made.

We placed our chairs in a circle facing each other, we

smiled, we gave each other furtive looks,

 but not one of us spoke.

It seemed none of us wanted to go first.

Roger, one of the few men who attended the course,

finally broke the silence and began to tell us why

he was doing the course.

He told us that he was in the middle of divorce proceedings

and that his wife wanted to break up because she felt that

they never really communicated.

Before long, others in the group began to give him advice.

I remained silent and focused on just listening. 

Not because I didn't also have the urge to

offer some advice, but because the facilitator had told us

to not do so.

Suddenly Roger turned to me and said: ''You haven't said a word,

what do you think?''

Mindful of what the facilitator had told us, I said: ''So what

I have heard you say is that your wife feels that the

communication between you is not very good, is that right?

Yes, he answered.

"What I have also heard you say is that you feel that

when you do try to be open and honest with her, she shuts

you down, is that right?

Yes.

''Am I right in saying that I've heard you say that you offered to

go to couples counseling but that she feels that it's too late?

Yes.

''But you feel that it's not too late and that your marriage can 

still be saved, is that right?''

Yes.

And so it went. I paraphrased, he agreed when he felt that

he was understood correctly, and when he felt that he wasn't,

he re-phrased himself.

One by one, we all took turns speaking about issues that 

were important to us, and although at times

we would give in to the temptation of advice giving,

I think we all discovered the effectiveness of active listening.

At the end of the session, I wrote down some notes. 

If, or when, someone needs a listening ear,

instead of jumping in to ''solving'' mode try saying this:

I am here and I am listening.

I want to hear what you are saying so that I can sense what

you are feeling and thinking.

Can I share with you my perceptions of what you have 

told me to make sure that I'm on track?

Can we explore together your concerns and maybe

that can help in some way to bring clarity to your 

situation?

If I start to give you advice, please tell me to stop.

On the way to my car at the end of the day, Nicola,

another student, caught up with me.

''Do you buy into the ''no advice'' thing? Really, what's the point in

sharing one's troubles with someone if they are not going to

offer any advice on how to fix it? Seems pretty useless to me and

I don't agree with it.''

Before I could answer her she shouted ''See ya" and disappeared

around the corner.

All the way home I pondered what Nicola had said.

Was she right?

Why do so many of us feel the need to offer up solutions?

We may be perplexed by our own problems yet we are

often quick to offer solutions to other's problems.

Let's face it, telling others how to fix their problems

is often far easier than figuring out our own, besides,

it's a kind of ego-boost.

However, creating a space in our hearts and minds by listening,

listening deeply and supportedly, 

may be the most helpful thing we can do

when someone needs a hand.

''What's wrong with giving advice?

Advice is often a basic insult to the intelligence

of the other person.

It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the

person with the problem to understand

and cope with his or her own difficulties.''

(Robert Bolton)

about the image: biro on paper... ''open'' your ears and you hear better

ps. Nicola never came back to the course