Listening is an action......

The facilitator sighed deeply.

''Counseling'', she said, ''is not about giving advice, it's about listening.

And when I say listening, I mean active listening.

Active listening is a communication technique that requires from

the listener to re-state and paraphrase in his/her own

words what he/she has heard, and by doing so

confirm with the speaker that they understand

each other.''

''Okay class, so what we are going to do now is to split you up

in to groups of four and practice active listening.''

Although we were in our third week of the Crisis counseling course,

we didn't really know each other.

Yet, somehow, groups of four were made.

We placed our chairs in a circle facing each other, we

smiled, we gave each other furtive looks,

 but not one of us spoke.

It seemed none of us wanted to go first.

Roger, one of the few men who attended the course,

finally broke the silence and began to tell us why

he was doing the course.

He told us that he was in the middle of divorce proceedings

and that his wife wanted to break up because she felt that

they never really communicated.

Before long, others in the group began to give him advice.

I remained silent and focused on just listening. 

Not because I didn't also have the urge to

offer some advice, but because the facilitator had told us

to not do so.

Suddenly Roger turned to me and said: ''You haven't said a word,

what do you think?''

Mindful of what the facilitator had told us, I said: ''So what

I have heard you say is that your wife feels that the

communication between you is not very good, is that right?

Yes, he answered.

"What I have also heard you say is that you feel that

when you do try to be open and honest with her, she shuts

you down, is that right?

Yes.

''Am I right in saying that I've heard you say that you offered to

go to couples counseling but that she feels that it's too late?

Yes.

''But you feel that it's not too late and that your marriage can 

still be saved, is that right?''

Yes.

And so it went. I paraphrased, he agreed when he felt that

he was understood correctly, and when he felt that he wasn't,

he re-phrased himself.

One by one, we all took turns speaking about issues that 

were important to us, and although at times

we would give in to the temptation of advice giving,

I think we all discovered the effectiveness of active listening.

At the end of the session, I wrote down some notes. 

If, or when, someone needs a listening ear,

instead of jumping in to ''solving'' mode try saying this:

I am here and I am listening.

I want to hear what you are saying so that I can sense what

you are feeling and thinking.

Can I share with you my perceptions of what you have 

told me to make sure that I'm on track?

Can we explore together your concerns and maybe

that can help in some way to bring clarity to your 

situation?

If I start to give you advice, please tell me to stop.

On the way to my car at the end of the day, Nicola,

another student, caught up with me.

''Do you buy into the ''no advice'' thing? Really, what's the point in

sharing one's troubles with someone if they are not going to

offer any advice on how to fix it? Seems pretty useless to me and

I don't agree with it.''

Before I could answer her she shouted ''See ya" and disappeared

around the corner.

All the way home I pondered what Nicola had said.

Was she right?

Why do so many of us feel the need to offer up solutions?

We may be perplexed by our own problems yet we are

often quick to offer solutions to other's problems.

Let's face it, telling others how to fix their problems

is often far easier than figuring out our own, besides,

it's a kind of ego-boost.

However, creating a space in our hearts and minds by listening,

listening deeply and supportedly, 

may be the most helpful thing we can do

when someone needs a hand.

''What's wrong with giving advice?

Advice is often a basic insult to the intelligence

of the other person.

It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the

person with the problem to understand

and cope with his or her own difficulties.''

(Robert Bolton)

about the image: biro on paper... ''open'' your ears and you hear better

ps. Nicola never came back to the course

Anxious? Meh, so is everyone....:)

This, well, for me anyway, is a visual representation

of what happens to our thinking when we are experiencing

a bout of anxiousness, a panic attack, or a ''flash-back''.

Our thinking becomes messy with rapid-fire thoughts

(or memories) and all but does away with our capacity

for ''rational and reasonable'' thinking.

Can you hear your heart pounding,

Or is just me?

Is it really hot in here and hard to breathe,

Or is it just me?

Can you feel an iron grip around your heart,

Or is it just me?

Is your tongue swollen and your mouth bone dry,

Or is it just me?

Do you feel as if your life is threatened and you may possibly die,

Or is it just me?

Do you sometimes feel as if you're losing your mind,

Or is it just me?

Do you try really hard, yet sleep evades you,

Or is it just me?

Do you keep your deepest fears hidden

Or is it just me?

''Life is a hypothesis and not a forgone conclusion'' in my view,

so there will be times in most of our lives when we will

experience anxiety, perhaps even panic attacks and or PTSD.

Although these experiences can be very challenging and scary,

they can also help ''tenderize'' our hearts.

Compassion and understanding comes easier when we have

personal experiences to draw strength from when or if

someone we care about is going through an anxious time.

Often our emotions are a response to our thoughts, 

so putting that ''thinking'' into practice

I have found it helpful to backtrack my thinking when

I feel anxious about something.

''What's been pre-occupying my mind lately/today? The thoughts

swirling about in my mind, are they conjecture and speculation

or true?''

 Throwing facts at worrying thoughts can be very helpful:

 ''Is this something I know for a fact, or am I spit-balling?''

(Although, this necessitates acknowledging and not denying

one's ''worries''.)

''You don't have to control your thoughts.

You just have to stop letting them control you.''

(Dan Millman)

''Being anxious, or having panic attacks or flash-backs does not indicate

a weakness of the mind, rather, it indicates a fertile mind in

which many possibilities are born.''

(Citizen Z)

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”

Waiting is an opportunity, not a waste of time........

Before I started to paint, I used to do a lot of photography.

I loved my old Analogue SLR and together we shot

many, many photos. Alas, along comes digital cameras

and out went films and the need for labs. 

I bought myself a digital camera, but, I never warmed to it.

I started to paint instead.

Now, many years later, due to torn rotator cuffs and

bursitis in my neck and shoulders, I can no longer paint.

Alas, I have decided to go back to photography as it

does not hurt.

(The above image is a photo I shot in my kitchen an 

hour ago with my crappy, old, low pixel rate,

digital camera.)

Satisfying though it is to instantly be able to see the

image, I have to admit that I miss the waiting for

the ''reveal'' while waiting at the lab for photos

to be developed.

(Although, truth be told, I don't miss the cost involved

with having films processed.)

Waiting, come to think of it, is something many of 

us don't like very much.

Perhaps how we experience the passing of time may have

something to do with how we view waiting?

''Life is short, so I need to cram as much of it into every passing

moment as I can.''

This is of course where i-Thingy's come in handy.

Wherever/whenever we find ourselves having to wait, we can

always fill the time (make use of time) by ''surfing the net'',

listening to music, checking emails, catching up with friends,

etc.etc.

There is no doubt about how very handy it is

to be able to do those things, but lately, I have 

been wondering if it is not possible that we may

miss out on actual ''living experiences'' when we

forfeit it for ''virtual'' ones.

Waiting, for some of us, may feel like we are

''wasting'' our time, so we may feel a need to fill

 it with something we deem more useful.

But, often when we are waiting somewhere,

we are not doing so in a void. Usually, there

are others waiting as well.

At the doctors, in a queue, at the bus/train stop, at the airport,

etc.etc. 

These sorts of situations can be opportunities for

making new connections, for observing life

in the moment, for just ''being''.

According to those in the know, more and more of

us are feeling alienated and lonely.

And I can't help but wonder if our ''obsession'' and

preoccupation with i-Thingy's perhaps has something

to do with that.

If we replace face-to-face interaction with 

virtual interaction, there is some research that

suggest that rather than feeling closer to others,

we feel more isolated.

However, if we use social networking to promote

face-to-face conversations, then the outcome is often

that we feel less lonely.

An i-Thingy can perhaps feel like a ''security blanket'',

but consider this,

is it possible that it can also be viewed as a

''Do Not Disturb'' sign?

Next time you are waiting(for whatever),

why not keep your i-Thingy turned off

and just use your waiting time to 

observe everything around you.

''Life only happens in the Now.''

Funny? Not if someone gets hurt............

 Charlie Chaplin, (above painting) once upon a time was a world

wide known movie star.

Through dark times during the Depression, World War I and II, 

he managed to find a way of allowing mankind some respite

from despair and heartache through his uncanny and wonderful

knack of making us laugh.

 What I find so masterful and insightful about his art is that 

he managed to (and still does) make us laugh at ourselves and all our

idiosyncrasies without any undertones of sarcasm or cynicism.

How often do you laugh?

What would you consider to be ''funny''?

Do you think there is a difference between laughing at verses

laughing with?

There is a theory that suggests that often what we find 

to be funny involves an element of surprise.

(We think we know what will happen next, but then something

else happens instead.)

There seem to be a general consensus that ''laughter is the

best medicine''.

Why?

Well, some say that:

it's good for our blood vessels, our emotional well-being,

it helps with social bonding, makes us more attractive,

lowers our stress and anxiety levels, strengthens our immune

and respiratory systems.

I read somewhere that laughter is about bonding/relationships

rather than a bunch of jokes.

Have you noticed that watching a ''funny'' something together

with others somehow makes it easier to laugh than when

you're on your own?

Actually, if you are sitting alone in a coffee shop, food court, etc.

reading a book, or watching something funny on your

i-Thingy and laughing out loud, 

I'm pretty sure that people will deem you a ''nutter''.

But if there were two of you looking at something,

meh, nothing weird at all.

In 1980, a movie by the title of ''The Gods Must Be Crazy'',

was released and much to the surprise of

critics, audiences world over loved it.

Synopsis: A Coca-Cola bottle dropped from an airplane

raises havoc among a tribe of peaceful African bushmen

who believe the bottle to be a utensil of the Gods.

There is very little talking through the movie,

just a lot of un-expected occurrences taking place,

occurrences that most folks regardless of nationality

 found to be hilarious.

(Including me)

Coming back to laughing with or laughing at, I find

that laughing at is very different from laughing with.

Laughing at often seem to me to be done at someone else's expense.

Laughing with on the other hand, seem to involve the sharing

with someone/others the many absurdities and inconsistencies 

that constitutes human behaviours.

What we may find ''funny'' changes as we age.

Farting is funny when you're 5 years old, embarrassing 

when your 17, uncouth when you're 35, bad form

when you're 54, but then funny again when you're 98. 

Ooopsie!!!

When I was a kid, I was made ''fun'' of for years by

others at school. 

I remember one thing in particular.

For some reason, it was cool to have a large

birthmark. During an inspection by the school nurse

we were stripped down to our underwear. The nurse would then

mark down who had what marks or freckles.

I had none. Nada, zilch, nothing.

So the ''new song'' the bullies chanted was:

''You're not even born, coz you have no mark of birth.''

Funny? Not so much.

Which is why I love much of Charlie Chaplin's

 work. Funny, without being sarcastic or demeaning.

Always infusing his comedy with intelligence,

reflection, and a meaningful message.

If in order to be funny a person feels he/she needs to

''lace'' his/her humor with sarcasm, shame, or criticism,

perhaps he/she may benefit from watching a few

Charlie Chaplin movies.........

and learn a trick or two from the Master.

''Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just

as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in

the park laughing at all the joggers.'' (coolfunnyquotes)

about painting: large canvas, acrylic....