What is a friend?...

Most of us if asked what we value in life would probably rank friends as very valuable.

Some suggest that friends play an important role when it comes to us experiencing a sense of "happiness".

It may be easy to assume that the word "friend" need no definition, but in my experience, it does.

Broadly speaking, most of us would probably define a friend as someone with whom we share a bond of mutual affection and esteem, commonly someone outside of our family relations (although we may view a family member as a friend) and usually void of a sexual component.

In 2009, the New Oxford Dictionary's word for the year was "unfriend", a word that without Facebook probably would not exist.  "Unfriend", as in: to remove someone as a "friend" from a social networking site. (as Facebook)

 How does one define the term "Facebook friend"? Is a friend on Facebook a "real" friend?

Hmmm.......tricky to answer. A friend on Facebook may be someone we may never have met, never spoken to, someone we admire but have no deeper access to (celeb), etc. or it may be someone we  are close to and see and talk to face to face regularly.

I have a sneaky suspicion that now when there is such a thing as a "Facebook friend", our definitions and expectations of what a friend is, may have changed somewhat.

Do we value Facebook (or other social network sites) friends as much and or the same way that we value the friends we "hang out" with?

Often there are words attached to the word friend such as: real, true, good, loyal, trustworthy, faithful, dependable, and so on. These words are important when we attach them to the word friend, because in my view, they often carry with them our own expectations of  how a friend should or should not behave.

"A friend is someone who:...is always there for you, is honest, supports you, encourages you, is loyal, is faithful, is dependable, loves you, has your back, understands you....(insert here your own definition)....etc.etc.

If someone we call a "close" or "trusted" friend behaves in a way that doesn't fit with our expectations of how such a friend should behave, we often feel hurt, disappointed and or betrayed. (When we establish a friendship with someone, more often than not we assume that the person we are befriending has the same views on what being a friend means.)

A common expectation many of us have of a friend is disclosure, as in, a friend doesn't keep secrets from us. This can be a problematic expectation because many of us have different interpretations on what we deem a "secret". Someone's "secret" may be that he or she is plagued with panic attacks, insecurities, obsessive thoughts, social anxieties, etc. that he or she may not be ready or strong enough to disclose to anyone. Many of us hold back in telling our friends about some things and aspects of ourselves because we are not sure how they will respond. Sometimes we may even find it easier to tell a total stranger about something that is important to us than a close friend.

Working behind the bar in a Jazz club in Stockholm I was often told secrets: "Wow, I have never told anyone about this, I don't know why I am telling you" was a common comment. Perhaps it is easier to tell a total stranger something because chances are, that such a person has no preconceived opinions and is therefore hopefully less likely to be judgmental? 

Although we often value our close friends input and opinions, perhaps at times we also fear them.

(as in: "What are you doing, that's not you, .....how could you do something so stupid, ....what were you thinking!" etc.etc. )

I believe there are different levels of friendships:

Acquaintances: people we mostly know by name and have exchanged a few words with

Colleagues/work mates: people we see mostly in a particular environment and seldom make plans with outside of that environment

Group friends: people we mostly do things with as a group

Friends: people with which we have established a connection and history but see sporadically

Close friends:  people with which we have established an emotional connection and history, we see them regularly, we trust them and value their opinions, we respect and support them, we care deeply about all aspects of them and their lives

Best friend: a person with whom we have an emotional bond and history, shared passions, mutual respect and love, an un-wavering openness to stand by him or her when its needed, and a willingness to alter one's own expectations for the benefit of the friendship

Most of us have ideas, opinions and expectations on what a friend is, but I wonder how often we ask ourselves what kind of friend we are. Do we ourselves fulfill the expectations we have of others?

When a friend comes to us with a problem, do we tell them what they should do or do we ask them what they need? If a friend tells us they are feeling lonely, do we tell them to be more positive or do we ask them if they want some company?

If a friend tells us they are feeling down, do we tell them to look at the bright side or do we ask them why they are feeling down?

If a friend tells us that their partner has left them, do we tell them that there is plenty more fish in the sea, or do we ask them if they want to talk about it?

"What must I do to be a good friend grand-father?" asked the boy.

"You must learn to listen" answered the grand-father.

"Friendship is the only cure for hatred, the only guarantee for peace." (Guatama Buddha)