The mother walks into the empty bedroom.
All that is left are marks on the walls where her daughter's posters used to hang.
As she holds back her tears, she can't help but wonder where all the years went.
Children leave. They leave to form their own lives, and a parent's job is to let them go.
Letting go....often easier said than done.
Most of us have probably experienced being told to "just let go", or encouraged others to do so, but unfortunately, "letting go" doesn't come with instructions on how to do so.
For a parent, letting go of one's child in order for him/her to become an autonomous being, in my experience, can be a rather difficult process and the reason I view it as a process rather than an event, is that "letting go" seem to involve going through different stages.
Of course, "letting go" is not just something only a parent has to go through....if we were to number on a list the times in our lives when felt we needed to "let go" of someone or something, it would probably become a very, very, long list. Letting go brings change, and change as far as we know at this stage, is inevitable, and always brings with it any number of adjustments.
The more emotionally attached we are to someone or something, the harder the adjustment to change may seem. When I was told by a doctor that I had to stop playing tenor sax because I had developed an allergy to the reed in the saxophone mouthpiece, I was devastated. I loved playing the sax, and to be told that I had to "let go" of doing so felt like I had to let go of my best friend. I began my letting go-process by bargaining: the "what-if's", ..what if I could find a reed that wasn't made of bamboo? what if I rinsed my mouth after each session on the sax?what if another doctor would tell me something different?
Eventually, with all my glands swollen, a continuously sore throat, lips swollen, infected, and bleeding, I realized that it was time to move on to the next stage of letting go: acceptance. The prognosis was that my allergy could not be cured, so I sold my saxophone (very reluctantly) and proceeded to the final step of my process of letting go: moving on (adjusting) and finding another "friend".
Often the word "just" proceeds letting go; "You just got to let go". Just? In my experience, letting go is seldom something one "just" does. Neither do I believe that "moving on" is something one just does. Letting go and moving on is not an easy thing to do, on the contrary, it can be very difficult and painful, because often it involves letting go of expectations and "but what if''s" of varying kinds.
As I view it, commonly letting go begins with a desire and willingness to do so, preempted by no longer wanting to fight against change, rather, seeing possibilities that change may bring with it.
"I don't know what will happen if I quit this job, but I don't want to stay in it any longer, I don't know how I will cope with breaking up with my partner, but I don't want to stay in this relationship any longer, I don't know if seeing a counselor will help me, but I don't want to feel this way any longer, all I know is that I need to change my situation and find something better, etc.etc.".
(What that "better" may be is up to the individual seeking the change.)
Some suggest that pain (emotional and or physical) can be a great motivator for embracing change and moving on/letting go.
Most of us probably don't like going to the dentist, but usually tooth ache brings us to one in the end, many of us don't like going to the doctor, but a wound that won't heal or a strange looking spot on the skin usually brings us to see one, some of us may view psychologists and counselors as "quacks", but night-sweats, re-occurring nightmares, flashbacks, compulsive and anxious thoughts, and or crippling fears of different kinds often tend to motivate us to seek assistance from them.
It can be difficult to let go of toxic relationships even though we know they harm us, it can be difficult to let go of our adult children even though we know that for their benefit we need to do so, it can be difficult to let go of our belief system(s) although it(they) no longer holds true for us, and so on, because it can be difficult to get past the bargaining stage: if he/she just changed, if they just.... if , if, if.
Once we have concluded that bargaining (if only x would...) is not "working" for us or meeting our desired expectations, I believe we are at the beginning point of the letting go process.
Next step is to accept "what is" rather than how we wish things to be, how things could be, or how things once were. (As in: The marriage/relationship is over, my child is leaving home, I will age, I am no longer as fit as I was when I was 25 years old, my parents will die, I have a chronic illness, etc.etc)
After we have stopped bargaining, and have accepted the things we consider to be "what is", I believe we can proceed to the last step (of this process but the beginning of something else); letting go and moving on.
If in order to let go you must forgive yourself and or others,...forgive.
Some things and some people belong in our past, but not in our present or to our future. Today can not begin unless we let go of yesterday. Loosen your grip on what was or what could have been, instead keep your hands open so possibilities may fill them.
"Abundance is a process of letting go, ....that which is empty can receive."
(Brian H. McGill)
Often the word "just" proceeds letting go; "You just got to let go". Just? In my experience, letting go is seldom something one "just" does. Neither do I believe that "moving on" is something one just does. Letting go and moving on is not an easy thing to do, on the contrary, it can be very difficult and painful, because often it involves letting go of expectations and "but what if''s" of varying kinds.
As I view it, commonly letting go begins with a desire and willingness to do so, preempted by no longer wanting to fight against change, rather, seeing possibilities that change may bring with it.
"I don't know what will happen if I quit this job, but I don't want to stay in it any longer, I don't know how I will cope with breaking up with my partner, but I don't want to stay in this relationship any longer, I don't know if seeing a counselor will help me, but I don't want to feel this way any longer, all I know is that I need to change my situation and find something better, etc.etc.".
(What that "better" may be is up to the individual seeking the change.)
Some suggest that pain (emotional and or physical) can be a great motivator for embracing change and moving on/letting go.
Most of us probably don't like going to the dentist, but usually tooth ache brings us to one in the end, many of us don't like going to the doctor, but a wound that won't heal or a strange looking spot on the skin usually brings us to see one, some of us may view psychologists and counselors as "quacks", but night-sweats, re-occurring nightmares, flashbacks, compulsive and anxious thoughts, and or crippling fears of different kinds often tend to motivate us to seek assistance from them.
It can be difficult to let go of toxic relationships even though we know they harm us, it can be difficult to let go of our adult children even though we know that for their benefit we need to do so, it can be difficult to let go of our belief system(s) although it(they) no longer holds true for us, and so on, because it can be difficult to get past the bargaining stage: if he/she just changed, if they just.... if , if, if.
Once we have concluded that bargaining (if only x would...) is not "working" for us or meeting our desired expectations, I believe we are at the beginning point of the letting go process.
Next step is to accept "what is" rather than how we wish things to be, how things could be, or how things once were. (As in: The marriage/relationship is over, my child is leaving home, I will age, I am no longer as fit as I was when I was 25 years old, my parents will die, I have a chronic illness, etc.etc)
After we have stopped bargaining, and have accepted the things we consider to be "what is", I believe we can proceed to the last step (of this process but the beginning of something else); letting go and moving on.
If in order to let go you must forgive yourself and or others,...forgive.
Some things and some people belong in our past, but not in our present or to our future. Today can not begin unless we let go of yesterday. Loosen your grip on what was or what could have been, instead keep your hands open so possibilities may fill them.
"Abundance is a process of letting go, ....that which is empty can receive."
(Brian H. McGill)
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