(The images on the candle are graphite/ink paintings I made for an exhibition. A bit of editing and they were made into a candle......just in case you wondered. :)
Have you ever been told: "Don't be so negative?" and if so, what did you take that to mean?
Have you ever been told: "You've got to focus on the positive?" and if so, what did you take that to mean?
Is being "positive" the same as being optimistic and being "negative" the same as being pessimistic?
As far as I can ascertain, how we view these terms depends largely on our individual perceptions and interpretations of them. What some of us may call "negative", some of us may view as being realistic, and what some of us may call being "positive", some of us may call being un-realistic.
How we think about things is closely linked with our feelings and behaviours, and if we are responsible for our thoughts (some say we are), then we are responsible for our feelings and behaviours. "Positive Thinking" is a concept that most of us are probably familiar with, and for many of us it may be an essential ingredient when it comes to coping with life and all its twists and turns.
As far as I can ascertain, thinking positively does not mean that we deny the existence of our feelings of anger, worries, sadness, or fears, rather, we balance those feelings by looking for positives that may potentially come from going through difficult experiences.
What those positives may be, in my view is for the person going through the experiences to decide.
During a very difficult time in my life when I found it hard to maintain an optimistic outlook, I was often given the advice by well-meaning friends to be more positive, and although I knew that they were trying to help, the words sounded hollow to me. "Be more positive? Easy for you to say, you're not the one who lost your job, is going through a painful divorce, and have had to move in to a pokey little flat with cardboard boxes for furniture", I thought. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't negative or pessimistic, I was just being realistic, and the reality for me was that I was up a creek without a paddle and it hurt.
From that experience I have learnt to stay away from advising people to be more "positive and or optimistic" when they are going through difficult times, because although positivity and optimism are really good things per se in my view, as "cure-all's", not so much.
What I have found to be helpful though, is cognitive reframing, and with that I mean a way of viewing and experiencing events, ideas, concepts and emotions to find more life affirming alternatives. By expanding our perceptions and interpretations we may be able to place a situation/experience in a different "frame" and by doing so glean a different meaning and purpose from it.
Examples: a problem can be viewed as an opportunity, a difficulty as a challenge, unkindness as a lack of understanding, arrogance as a lack of confidence, and so on.
I have to be honest with you, I don't like the terms "negative" and "positive" when it comes to defining emotions, people, or outlook on life. Is there a middle way between positive and negative emotions, people, or outlook on life? Are there emotions that are neither positive or negative, if such, what would they be?
Are the labels of positive or negative we attach to emotions, people and outlook on life perhaps limiting and often misleading?
After all, these words, like most words, are they not mere approximations and contingent on perception and interpretation?
Sadness, is often classified as a "negative" emotion, but experiencing sadness helps us to feel empathy, and that's a positive isn't it?
Guilt, is also classified as a negative emotion, but guilt can motivate us to improve our moral compass, and that's a positive isn't it?
Anger, is another so called negative emotion, but anger can motivate us to stand up to a bully, and that's a positive isn't it?
Anxiety, is commonly classified as a negative emotion, although anxiety alerts us to potential threats, and that's a positive isn't it?
I sometimes wonder if perhaps "to be positive" has not become so enshrined in our culture (western) that it now has become the "go-to" term we use in order to be able to dismiss emotions, people and outlooks on life without having to provide any deeper definitions: "Nah, I don't see her anymore, she is stuck in her negative emotions, and I rather focus on the positive. Oh, don't listen to him, he is such a pessimistic person, he never sees all the positives. I am a positive person with an optimistic outlook on life, I don't want to waste any of my time on being with people who only sees all the dramas and negative stuff going on."
Joni Mitchell penned the words: "When you are down you become heavy company for your friends" and granted, people who are "down" (negative) do tend to require more attention, but don't we all have times of feeling down, pessimistic, and a bit negative? Question is..... experiencing the full spectrum of emotions, is that not what makes us humans,.... able to comfort each other in times of need because we have all been there?
Now for something really optimistic and positive: Whatever happens in our lives, positive or negative, or all in between, we all have the freedom to chose our responses.
The Dalai Lama suggests: "Be optimistic. It feels better."
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