You can do it...be courageous

 

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to scream?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever felt like you just wanted cry?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to throw a tantrum like a two-year old?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to walk away?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever felt like you wanted to stand up for yourself?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever felt like you wanted to say "Sorry"?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever had times when you wanted to speak from the heart?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever had times when you wanted to tell someone how you really feel?

But you didn't?

 

Have you ever had times when you just wanted to get up and do a little dance?

But you didn't?

 

What stopped you?

 

"Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With this just one agreement you can completely transform your life".  (Don Miguel Ruiz)

Confront your fears....

Safely tucked into the protective arms of his father, the little boy feels safe enough to stare straight into the camera.

Feeling safe; according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, is one of our most prominent needs.

So, what do we mean? Safe from what?

(Words, in my view, are mere approximations, and the more I delve into trying to understand what they are, the more I realise how words are not just about words, but also about context, circumstance, interpretation, and perception.)

"Safe" (as in; being safe)- a few possible definitions: out of harms way, free from danger, risk, and other possible occurrences that may threaten our lives.

"Feeling safe", on the other hand, as far as I can ascertain, is different.

(One may feel safe in one's home during a thunderstorm, but that does not necessarily mean that one is being safe since lightning often enough strike buildings.)

Feeling safe, for many of us is often interpreted as not anticipating either harm or hurt, emotionally or physically.

Whatever we perceive as a possible threat to our physical and or emotional safety; whether real or imagined; our inclination is often to "run" from it and if we can't run from it, get "rid" of it. The fact that there are today so many human beings living on this planet does seem to indicate that for survival purposes, so far this approach has worked well for us. (Not so fortunate for all the creatures now extinct due to us wanting to feel safe)

According to those in the "know", feeling emotionally safe is something that comes from within us.

They suggest that when we are able to identify and understand our feelings, and rather than "running" from them we acknowledge and embrace them, that we may be able to feel more emotionally "safe".

(Disclaimer: this does not apply for those of us who suffer with serious mental health issues)

I have battled with anxiety (GAD) most of my life, (not so much nowadays) and for many years it seemed to me as if it (the anxiety) was this nebulous, nefarious, unpredictable kind of "mist" that just descended upon me seemingly from out of nowhere until one day a new thought: WHY? ...why am I feeling this way? What were the thoughts that preceded this anxiousness?

"If I think that the world is going crazy and that it is becoming a very dangerous place, maybe that's why I am feeling unsafe?" I quickly realised that how I think about something directly relates to how I feel about something. So if I wanted to change how I felt about something, then I needed to change how I thought about it. "Do I know this for a fact, or is fear clouding my judgement, my thinking about this?"

If you distrust strangers, why is that and how did you come to hold that view?

If you think "foreigners" are weird, why is that and how did you come to hold that view?

If you think that other belief systems other than yours are "wrong", why is that and how did you come to hold that view?

If you think that the world is unsafe, why is that and how did you come to hold that view?

At the bottom of feeling unsafe, lies fear, .... and fear-based thoughts, may I suggest, bring more fear.

Some of us may perhaps think that we may be able to keep fear at bay and feel safe and secure by building walls, buying arms, installing security systems, installing firewalls, padlocking everything, etc.etc., history tells us that the minute you build a wall someone will work out how to get over it, arm yourself and someone will have a bigger "gun", install a security system and someone will work out how to reset it, install a firewall and someone will figure out how to bypass it, padlock everything and someone will have a tool that can cut through them all.  

 

“I know a little something about fear, honey. I know what a relief it feels like to give into it at first. It’s not hard to persuade yourself that you’re doing the right thing—that you’re making the smart, safe decision. But fear is insidious. It takes anything you’re willing to give it, the parts of your life you don’t mind cutting out, but when you’re not looking, it takes anything else it damn well pleases, too.”  (Andrea Lochen)

Many of us probably hold the idea that the more control we have over the dynamics of our environment the more safe we will feel, thing is.....the need for control often comes from a place of fear and can fear really rid us of fear?

According to those in the "know", the answer is no, fear only brings more fear.

Some suggestions on overcoming feeling unsafe:

 

What exactly is making you feel unsafe?

When did those feelings begin?

What are your thoughts linked to those feelings?

Try to ascertain how many of those thoughts are anchored in facts.

Let go of those that are not.

Replace those thoughts with life-affirming ones (thoughts that brings courage)

 

"Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead". (Jerry Gillies)

Humour is serious business...........

This is a painting of Charlie Chaplin, a man who was able to make many people laugh. Some would perhaps say that he was a "funny" man; he had a great sense of humour.

But, what makes someone funny, and what is humour.....in short, what makes us laugh?

As far as I can ascertain, it very much depends on the person and on the situation.

Some suggestions of different types of humour:

Slapstick =  a kind of comedy based on practical jokes, things and people bumping into each other, fumbling's and other displays of clumsiness, often accompanied with a "cringe" factor (feelings of embarrassment).

Sarcasm = a kind of comedy often dark, biting and "having a laugh at someone else's expense", commonly often founded on a play on words.

Parody = mimicking something, someone for comic effect

There are many more types of humour, but as to not get bogged down, I will stay with these three.

People walking in to glass doors, slipping on wet floors, birds dropping a "load" on an unsuspecting person, etc.etc., aka "slapstick humour", can be very funny, well, as long as it is not us it is happening to. Watching others fumble, stumble and embarrass themselves, we feel better about ourselves, after all, most of us have probably experienced similar experiences.

Sarcasm, some say is the lowest form of wit. (In my view, sarcasm is often a "masked" insult.)

What is sarcasm? When we use words that mean the opposite of what we really want to say:

      "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx
       "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
       "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"I love that you are so punctual, you're only an hour late".

"Me? Sarcastic? What, can't you take a joke?"

Why do we find sarcasm funny? (If we do) According to some we find it funny because there is often a mix of "smartness" and truthfulness in sarcastic comments. Once again, it is often easier to find sarcastic comments "funny" if they are not directed at us. Says a friend to a friend who lives in a messy environment: "How do you keep your place so tidy?" Response: "With a lot of grit and determination." Light-hearted banter of the sarcastic kind between friends can be enjoyable, and occasionally down-right funny, as long as there is a mutual understanding of where to draw the line between play on words and insults.

Saying something mean-spirited to someone on the other hand, and then throwing out: "can't you take a joke?" when the other person becomes visibly upset by the comment, in my view, is a cowardly act. (A turd is still a turd even if it is gift wrapped...)

Most of us at some time or another have probably imitated someone or something, not to belittle, rather, exaggerating certain aspects for comic effect. Robin Williams, the comedian, now no longer with us, was (in my view) a master at mimicking and exaggerating different aspects of people and situations with hilarious results.  (Mrs Doubtfire, Mork from Ork, Patch Adams, Flubber, a priest in Licence to Wed, etc.etc.) By exaggerating certain aspects of our expectations of how a Scottish babysitter should behave, or what an alien from another planet would be like, or how a doctor, or scientist, or priest should behave, we are offered a way of finding something comical in something  previously un-comical. Parody, is basically "taking the mickey" out of something, but usually not in a mean-spirited way, rather, in my view, parody is about finding a humorous angle in something rather un-humorous.

"Laughter is the best medicine" so someone has said. Now, is that true and if so, why?

According to Helpguide.org: "Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain".

Okay, so laughter is good for our well-being, but what makes us laugh?

Lots of different things, but as far as I can ascertain, it very much varies from person to person.

According to some, what makes something funny has to do with surprise and incongruence. Incongruence, as in: the juxtaposition of elements that conflict or contrast with each other; the simple and the complex, the rational and the absurd, the expected and the un-expected, etc..

Why do so many of us find cats (or other animals) doing un-expected things funny?

I watched a cat video with a cat "talking" in the most hilarious way only to discover that here at the complex where I live, there is a small black and white cat who does the same thing! One night, I heard the cat "talking" on the back veranda, so I walked out on the veranda while imitating the "talking". The cat froze dead in its movements and just stared at me with her bright yellow eyes.

After ten seconds or so, she took off into the bush. I called out to her: "Was it something I said?", but she was long gone.

Humour, and what we find "funny" being such a complex issue, I surfed the net for something that may be helpful (and save me from a lot of writing...hehehe) . I found this on Quora and contributed by an anonymous writer:

 

Being funny means being able to express humour of one kind or another—maybe a pratfall, or a witty pun, or a good joke, well-timed. You do need to have a sense of humour to be funny.

Having a sense of humour means being able to laugh at—or at least see the humour in—life's absurdities. You do not need to be funny to have a sense of humour.

Trying to be funny without a sense of humour is usually seen as bitter, sarcastic, and nasty. To cultivate a sense of humour, try and avoid this.

 

"Lucky is the man who can laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be amused."

 

 

 

If animals could talk, what would they say about humans?..............

If animals could talk, I wonder what kind of "score card" they would give us humans?

"The more I know humans, the more I love my dogs" said Mark Twain.

I have very little personal experience with dogs, but with cats (the small variety) I have had the pleasure of sharing my life with a few of them. For the last few years my son and I have shared our life with an extraordinary feline by the name of Lovecraft (after the famous author). Lovecraft is a tortoise shell cat, and that she was different, was quickly apparent to us when we went to the animal shelter to purchase a cat. The cats needing homes were kept in large enclosures into which the potential buyers were able to step in to and familiarise themselves with the cats. Seemingly out of nowhere, Lovecraft suddenly leapt from a niche onto my son's back and clung on for dear life. No matter what he did, she would not let go. She choose him, and that was that. So what makes her extraordinary? Her "human" like behaviour and sensibilities; she "talks", she can open screen doors, occasionally even regular doors, she gets "depressed" (our interpretation) when my son goes away on business trips, she "comforts" us if we are upset (she will climb into our laps and stretch out a paw and gently pat our cheeks), if we are arguing she will push things of shelves until we stop, just to mention a few things that she does. Of course, not being cats ourselves, our interpretations of her behaviours could be totally wrong.

I have often heard people call animals stupid and other derogatory terms, but I can't help but wonder: who are we to ascertain whether an animal is "smart" or not?

An animal that adopts or develops human like behaviour, is a smart animal?

I mean, how do we measure animal intelligence? 

According to Frans De Wall, a Dutch biologist and primatologist, rather than judging animals intelligence by human standards, we should judge animals on their own terms; according to their own natural abilities. De Wall suggests that rather than just considering brain activity, we should also consider the body (as in imitation which is done through body language) when assessing animal intelligence. Humans can talk, which sets us apart from animals, but animals have other ways of communication such as echolocation (dolphins, bats) which De Wall says requires a lot of brain power.

If animals could talk, what would they have to say about us? How do we treat our fellow creatures on this planet?

Judging by how many species are on the verge of extinction, or are already extinct, I can't help but wonder if humans really are that smart at all.......

Does not each animal play a role in keeping a balance in nature? According to the importance of functioning ecosystems, animals and plants are very important: "an ecosystem is a community of animals, plants and microbes that sustain themselves in the same area or environment by performing the activities of living, feeding, reproducing and interacting. It is a relationship that exists between all the components of an environment. It includes plants, animals, fish and micro -organisms, including soil, water and people".

If humans are at the top of the food-chain, is it really all that smart to keep fishing the oceans, lakes and other water sources until there's no fish left? Or polluting the water, air and earth until nothing can exist in it? Or to keep killing the creatures that keep the ecosystem in balance?

I watched a short film clip on "what the planet would look like if humans disappeared", and if what is predicted in that film clip is true, then it seems as if the planet would perhaps be better off without us.....but then again, since it is humans making the predictions how could we possibly know for sure?

Although us humans seems capable of inflicting all matters of cruelty and other destructive actions, we are also capable of self-reflection and self-awareness, we are able to experience compassion and empathy which can motivate us to care about others, our environment, animals, plants, and any number of other things. According to some, dogs, rats, dolphins and elephants are also capable of "feeling" compassion, although, again, this is from a human perspective. And this, I guess is the heart of the matter of this post: "Our indifference or cruelty towards fellow creatures of this world sooner or later affects the treatment we mete out to other human beings." (Pope Francis)

 

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." (Sigmund Freud)

 

"We must fight against the spirit of unconscious cruelty with which we treat the animals. Animals suffer as much as we do. True humanity does not allow us to impose such suffering on them. It is our duty to make the whole world recognise it. Until we extend our circle of compassion to all living things, humanity will not find peace." (Albert Schweitzer)

Positive?..Please define...on being a positive person

(The images on the candle are graphite/ink paintings I made for an exhibition. A bit of editing and they were made into a candle......just in case you wondered. :)

 

Have you ever been told: "Don't be so negative?" and if so, what did you take that to mean?

Have you ever been told: "You've got to focus on the positive?" and if so, what did you take that to mean?

Is being "positive" the same as being optimistic and being "negative" the same as being pessimistic?

As far as I can ascertain, how we view these terms depends largely on our individual perceptions and interpretations of them. What some of us may call "negative", some of us may view as being realistic, and what some of us may call being "positive", some of us may call being un-realistic.

How we think about things is closely linked with our feelings and behaviours, and if we are responsible for our thoughts (some say we are), then we are responsible for our feelings and behaviours. "Positive Thinking" is a concept that most of us are probably familiar with, and for many of us it may be an essential ingredient when it comes to coping with life and all its twists and turns.

As far as I can ascertain, thinking positively does not mean that we deny the existence of our feelings of anger, worries, sadness, or fears, rather, we balance those feelings by looking for positives that may potentially come from going through difficult experiences.

What those positives may be, in my view is for the person going through the experiences to decide.

During a very difficult time in my life when I found it hard to maintain an optimistic outlook, I was often given the advice by well-meaning friends to be more positive, and although I knew that they were trying to help, the words sounded hollow to me. "Be more positive? Easy for you to say, you're not the one who lost your job, is going through a painful divorce, and have had to move in to a pokey little flat with cardboard boxes for furniture", I thought.  As far as I was concerned, I wasn't negative or pessimistic, I was just being realistic, and the reality for me was that I was up a creek without a paddle and it hurt.  

From that experience I have learnt to stay away from advising people to be more "positive and or optimistic" when they are going through difficult times, because although positivity and optimism are really good things per se in my view, as "cure-all's", not so much.

What I have found to be helpful though, is cognitive reframing, and with that I mean a way of viewing and experiencing events, ideas, concepts and emotions to find more life affirming alternatives. By expanding our perceptions and interpretations we may be able to place a situation/experience in a different "frame" and by doing so glean a different meaning and purpose from it.

Examples: a problem can be viewed as an opportunity, a difficulty as a challenge, unkindness as a lack of understanding, arrogance as a lack of confidence, and so on.

I have to be honest with you, I don't like the terms "negative" and "positive" when it comes to defining emotions, people, or outlook on life. Is there a middle way between positive and negative emotions, people, or outlook on life? Are there emotions that are neither positive or negative, if such, what would they be?

 Are the labels of positive or negative we attach to emotions, people and outlook on life perhaps limiting and often misleading?

After all, these words, like most words, are they not mere approximations and contingent on perception and interpretation?

Sadness, is often classified as a "negative" emotion, but experiencing sadness helps us to feel empathy, and that's a positive isn't it?

Guilt, is also classified as a negative emotion, but guilt can motivate us to improve our moral compass, and that's a positive isn't it?

Anger, is another so called negative emotion, but anger can motivate us to stand up to a bully, and that's a positive isn't it?

Anxiety, is commonly classified as a negative emotion, although anxiety alerts us to potential threats, and that's a positive isn't it?

I sometimes wonder if perhaps "to be positive" has not become so enshrined in our culture (western) that it now has become the "go-to" term we use in order to be able to dismiss emotions, people and outlooks on life without  having to provide any deeper definitions: "Nah, I don't see her anymore, she is stuck in her negative emotions, and I rather focus on the positive. Oh, don't listen to him, he is such a pessimistic person, he never sees all the positives. I am a positive person with an optimistic outlook on life, I don't want to waste any of my time on being with people who only sees all the dramas and negative stuff going on."

Joni Mitchell penned the words: "When you are down you become heavy company for your friends" and granted, people who are "down" (negative) do tend to require more attention, but don't we all have times of feeling down, pessimistic, and a bit negative? Question is..... experiencing the full spectrum of emotions, is that not what makes us humans,.... able to comfort each other in times of need because we have all been there?

Now for something really optimistic and positive: Whatever happens in our lives, positive or negative, or all in between, we all have the freedom to chose our responses.

 

The Dalai Lama suggests: "Be optimistic. It feels better."