(I have found that to illustrate some things, using a non-human figure can be more effective for the purpose of conveying a message. So, I invented this spotted Teddy, and now and then, I let him speak...)
Have you ever tried to say something important to you, only to find that somehow the words just don't come out right? The person you are talking to looks at you bewildered and you can almost see the question mark hanging above his/her head?
Being able to express in words clearly and precisely what we are trying to convey may at first glance seem easy as in: "just say what's on your mind"....thing is however, so many of the words we use are quite ambiguous and misunderstandings often follow differing interpretations and or definitions of the words we use.
For people who may consider themselves as shy, speaking with others can be a stomach churning, anxiety ridden experience, especially when speaking with "new" and unfamiliar people.
Social interactions for some of us perhaps energises us, but for some of us, it can be a rather torturous experience. "What if I say the wrong thing.....what if I come across as stupid when I speak.....what if I become tongue-tied....what if what I say doesn't make sense" and so on. For people who struggle with shyness, often choosing to say nothing seems a far safer option rather than speaking and risk seeming foolish. So how do I define being shy? Just for clarities sake: a shy person feels uncomfortable, often even anxious, around people they don't know. (Sometimes there may also be physical sensations alongside with the anxiety such as clammy hands, a dry throat, blushing, a queasy stomach, to mention a few.)
Susan Cain, a bestselling author of the book: "Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" has this to say: 'Society has a cultural bias towards extroverts'.
Is she right? Many of us probably have internal "loops" telling us how we should be and for many of us, those loops probably tell us to be more extroverted, more easy going, more socially apt, more interactive, more talkative, etc. etc. But, what does it mean to be an extrovert?
If an extroverted person were to give you the definition of the word it may go something like this: a friendly, outgoing, socially confident, affable, and people-orientated person.
Although, this is how the Urban dictionary defines the word: "Assholes who doesn't know when to shut their goddamn mouth. Sadly they make up most of the population on Earth."
For the purpose of this blog, I will use my own definitions...an extrovert feels energised when in company of others, ...... an introvert feels energised spending time in their own company.
Is being shy the same as being an introvert? For some people this may seem to be the case, but personally I don't see it that way.
Being shy and being introverted both relate to socialising/interacting with others, however, an introverted person may chose to not socialise by preference, in difference to a shy person who may avoid such due to fears. For an introvert, spending prolonged time with others can be experienced as emotionally draining and will often seek out "alone-time" to recharge, a shy person may not desire any alone-time, but due to fears of interaction with others may find him/herself on his/her own.
Those in the know say that introversion is as much part of a person as the colour of the eyes or the hair, shyness on the other hand is a learnt behaviour, and the good news about that is, that a behaviour pattern can often be changed with the help of a specialist health professional.
There are some positive aspects that favour introverts and shy (quiet) people in my view.
A. Quiet (shy and or introverted) people often tend to be observant and good at listening.
B. Quiet (shy and or introverted) people often think before they speak, running through in their heads what they are going to say before they say it.
C. Quiet (shy and or introverted) people often favour sensitivity toward others, being very familiar with their own.
Bernardo Carducci, the director of the Indiana University Southeast's Shyness Research Institute,
argues that shyness may be a trait that rather than needing to be overcome, may be a trait to embrace.
He writes: "The successfully shy don't change who they are. They change the way they think and the actions they make. There is nothing wrong with being shy. In fact, I have come to believe that what our society needs is not less shyness but a little more."
On the surface of things it may seem as if in order to be a "successful"(whatever that means?) human being, a person has to be an extrovert, a social butterfly, a leader, a front runner, gregarious, looked up to, a head above, etc.etc......however, a number of very "successful" people rather than extroverts were/are introverts: Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, Eleanor Roosevelt, Mark Zuckerberg, Abraham Lincoln, etc.etc.
Perhaps if we are striving to become either introverts or extroverts, striving to become an "ambivert" (a person who has a balance of extrovert and introvert features in their personality) may be a more helpful choice?
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
(Abraham Lincoln)
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