Are you looking for the "One"?
(With that I mean that one person that possesses all the qualities that your heart desires.)
In some cultures, marriages are arranged and whether that person is the "One" or not does not enter into the equation, the coupling is less a matter of the heart and more a matter of suitability and tradition. Which is not to say, in my view, that an arranged marriage/coupling need be any less successful, loving, or "happy" than a marriage/coupling founded on romantic love.
According to the philosopher Alain de Botton: "There is a cult of Romanticism. It started in the 18th century, and it basically told people that everybody has a soul mate, everybody has somebody who will cure them of all loneliness."
So what is a "soul mate"? From what I can gather, a soul mate is someone who makes us feel "complete", someone who "gets" us, ......someone who loves us as much as we love them.
Hmmm...not saying there is no such thing but.......this seems like a tall order for someone to fulfil.
If we are looking for example, for someone to "cure" our loneliness, are we really looking for someone to have a loving relationship with, or are we perhaps looking for someone that "makes" us feel better about ourselves? As well as the romantic notion of a soul mate, often there seem to be an underlying subtext attached to the soul mate concept: "If you love me, like I love you, then you understand me without me always having to tell you what's on my mind." Is that true however, is it reasonable to hold the expectation that loving someone automatically means "knowing" all that goes on inside that person's heart, mind, and soul, without verbal confirmations?
Do we hold the expectations that once we find The One, The One will know what our needs are without us having to verbalise exactly what those are?
Do we expect of ourselves to know what our soul mate's needs are without asking?
Before I go on, perhaps I better define my view of love:
It seems to me that we love someone when we care more about the other as he/she is, rather than who we think they should become, when we reveal ourselves honestly and vulnerably just as we offer the same for the other. We love someone when we act with patience, resilience, compassion, forgiveness, attention, and with a whole hearted commitment to their well being.
If our search for The One is primarily driven by wants, then we may have a "shopping list": "I want a kind, tall, slim, rich, fit, good-looking, sporty, smart, well-dressed, professional, etc. etc. person, because those things matter to me and so those things would have to matter for my soul mate as well."
Compiling a list when grocery shopping, or shopping for a new electronic device may be helpful, but I wonder if it's really helpful to have a "wants" list when looking for someone to share a loving relationship with, I mean, what if we meet someone who "ticks" some of the boxes but not all?
(Some suggest that we have a subconscious internal "check list" and that often when we meet someone with a similar personality to our own, we feel a connection and an ease being with them. Ticks a few of our boxes, so to speak.)
The need to belong and to love, according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, are two of our most fundamental needs.
Matthew Lieberman writes: "60 years of attachment research attests; connection is the platform for the rest of existence, thriving and flourishing. Love and belonging are not conveniences we can live without."
There is plenty of scientific research to support this: we need to love and be loved, and to belong.
What if the notion of a soul mate is just that; a notion; what if there are any number of potential soul mates? What if a soul mate is something someone becomes through the nurturing of a relationship with love, compassion, patience, and understanding?
For any relationship to flourish, it is my belief that verbalising our needs rather than relying on "mind reading" is more helpful.
Examples of mind reading: "If you love me, then I shouldn't have to tell you what I need....If you love me, then you know what I need" .......If you love me I shouldn't have to explain"....according to Alain de Botton these expectations have their roots in our childhoods when our parents often successfully guessed what we needed without us specifying those needs........ "that sets up a dangerous precedent whereby we equate true love with someone who doesn't need to have things spelt out to them."
The drawback on relying on our loved ones guessing what our needs may be, or us guessing what their needs may be, is that it often gives rise to a lot of misunderstanding and contention.
If a "true" love is supposed to just know, then what is a "true" love? A feeling, an attitude, a choice?
Is it possible that true love begins as a feeling, develops into an attitude, and then becomes a choice?
If you are looking for The One and have a checklist, may I suggest that you throw away that list? Instead, if you meet someone you connect with, adopt an open heart and mind and communicate honestly with that person.
"Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. Love isn't just a strong feeling, it's a decision, a judgement, and a promise." (LoveQuotes)
No comments:
Post a Comment