On: Embracing the "inner child" and becoming an adult....

 

 

"Caring for your inner child has a powerful and surprisingly quick result: Do it and the child heals." (Martha beck)

So, what is the "inner child"? The inner child: "the aspect of one's psyche that is believed to retain feelings as they were experienced in childhood."

(Some suggest that all of us carry within us an "inner child" regardless of how old we are, and that communicating and acknowledging that inner child can help us to overcome hurtful experiences we had as children.)

I have often heard people make remarks such as: "yeah,  people blame their problems on their childhoods" followed by "but they're adults now and should deal with their problems as adults".

A problem with that statement as I see it, is that it doesn't define exactly what an adult is.

Different societies have different definitions; some base it on ritual, some on age, some on behaviour, some on emotional maturity, and some perhaps on all the above.

(Although, may I suggest that it is quite possible to behave as a "child" although considering oneself as an adult, and it is quite possible for a child to behave as an "adult".)

How we were treated as children often sets a precedent for how we behave as adults, and commonly children tend to assign blame to themselves when things go "wrong". "My folks got divorced because I was such a demanding child", "my dad was only tough on me because I was too soft", "my mom didn't help me with my schoolwork because she wanted me to become independent", "my parents didn't show me any affection because I was such a needy child", etc. etc.

When needs are not being met, rather than seeing something "wrong/bad" with his/her parents(parent/primary caregiver)behaviour (this thought is un-acceptable), a child rationalises, and takes on the responsibility for unmet needs. Eventually, this often results in the child forming the idea: "there's something wrong with me, I am just not good enough", and although we grow older and form other relationships, this sense of rejection can cling on to us throughout our lives.

Our childhoods, whether we view them as good or bad, exerts a great influence on us. How we dealt with the experiences we had as children may I suggest, plays a great role in how we deal with life as adults.

If as children we were in the habit of believing that we were responsible for "bad/wrong" things happening, then chances are that we will continue to do so in our adult lives. If as children we were in the habit of believing that others were responsible for "bad/wrong" things happening, then chances are we that we will continue to do so in our adult lives. Personally, I believe that some bad things happen as a part of life.....sometimes we may be responsible, sometimes others may be responsible, sometimes it happens by accident.

Reading a book on "Healing your childhood", the author (name escapes me) suggested that to assist in healing, it could be helpful to have an imaginary conversation with the "inner child". Remembering a painful memory, as an adult, what would I say to that inner child? (I imagined that inner child sitting in a chair opposite me)  This may seem quite an abstract thing to do, but much to my amazement, I found it to be very helpful. Revisiting painful childhood memories now as an adult, I was able to offer that inner child the comfort and insight that as a child I had no access to.

Not that it changed anything that had happened, but it changed how I viewed those experiences.

We can't change what happened in the past, but we can change how we view those past experiences, and with a changed view, a measure of healing is a possibility.

Childhood, whether good or bad, brilliant or rotten, bears with it far reaching influences well into our adulthood. Regardless of what kind of childhood we had, may I suggest that we still get to choose what kind of adults we want to be.

“For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.”   (John Connolly)

So, how do I define being an adult?

Some  suggestions:

Being able to take ownership and responsibility for personal actions

Being able to take ownership and responsibility for personal emotions

Being able to take ownership and responsibility for personal decisions

Being able to take ownership and responsibility for personal changes

Being able to take ownership and responsibility for personal motivations and inspirations

 

 

"It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child's experiences, honor that child's feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around."
(Robert Burney)