What is love?

 

Echoes of love from yonder years,

memories of joy and valleys of tears,

caress the mind of the man in the chair,

as the world passes by

while he stares at the sky.

 

His hands in his lap now old and worn,

yet once so steady, so sure, and so strong.

As if but yesterday, he remembers her hand in his,

her soft and subtle lips, their first tender kiss.

 

Like a vision of loveliness, grace, and magnificence,

she had suddenly appeared, crushing his indifference.

Love; for him just a word much abused and overly used,

though in her, all matters of the heart, visibly infused.

 

Love conquered his heart, broke his defences,

utterly smitten was he by her graces.

Befuddled, bedazzled, beguiled was he,

and as luck would have it, so was she.

 

Through the years she became his very best friend,

his lover, his teacher, until the end.

And the end came sudden, just and ordinary day,

in the blink of an eye, she was swept away.

 

At first he was numb, filled with dismay,

words escaped him, he had nothing to say.

Then he discovered with each passing day,

he still had his memories, they were there to stay.

 

Though his body was old, tired and frail,

in his heart and mind, he could still set his sails,

to sail the ocean of bygone days,

 wonderful memories still held their sway.

 

Much as we may think when we are young and strong,

love is for the young, it is to them it belongs,

only to discover as we ourselves grow old,

love is love regardless, and it cannot be controlled.

 

Love bears many gifts, and many wonders to behold,

but also pain and sorrow, if truth is to be told.

Love can be found and love can be lost,

love can be freely given, or come at a cost.

 

What love always offers,

well, so I do believe,

is a chance for transformation,

for all of us to see,

we all deserve to love

and be loved equally.

 

(Citizen Z)

Who are you? Find out with the help of your core values....

 

You.

Do you know who you are?

 

Commonly if asked who we are, we begin with answering with what we do:

"I am an account, I am a teacher, I am a secretary, body builder, warehouse worker, solicitor, artist, etc.."

 What we do, and who we are, (although connected) are in my view, different issues.

Many of the things we do perhaps can be viewed as "identifying markers" as to certain aspects of who we are, as well as other aspects such as our nationality, gender, family status, age, etc.., but do those aspects reveal anything about who we "are", that is; our self-knowledge?

What are your thoughts about you?

What are your core values? (Your guiding principles that dictates your behaviours and actions)

Some examples: honesty, reliability, loyalty, compassion, kindness, respect, dignity, courage, etc...

Whatever your core values may be, those are the values that influence the decisions you make, how you behave, how you view yourself and others, and what actions you take.

Understanding what our core values are, can be very helpful in understanding why we do and say the things we do. Often when we do things that doesn't line up with our core values, we experience feeling a nagging sense of guilt, shame, and dishonesty.

When our behaviour and actions line up with our core values, often there is a sense of feeling "authentic", and feeling authentic often helps us to have a solid sense of who we are.

(Finding out what our core values are, can at times be a bit tricky because the society in which we live, with is culture and media influences, influence our thinking.)

Is a crime a crime if nobody finds out? Is lying wrong if nobody knows its a lie? Is cheating wrong if nobody knows? Is spreading malicious rumours wrong if it's done anonymously?

Do I say something when I see someone being treated unfairly? Do I step in when someone is being bullied? These are some issues that may come up, and to be able to decide where we stand, we have to check in with our core values.

Most of us, whether we are aware of it or not, inherit many of our core values from our family situations. As children, we are instructed as to what is "good and bad"/wrong and right/acceptable/not acceptable, ... behaviours and beliefs, and those often stay with us until something occurs which make us question the validity of those values. "Dad says that.....but I am not so sure that I agree because....."  "Mom says that the most important thing in life is........but I am not so sure I agree because....."

How do I find my own core values then?

Some suggestions:

1. Spend some time thinking about what is most important to you, perhaps even writing down what those things are. (Honesty, truth, respect,...etc.)

2. Define for yourself what honesty, truth, respect,...etc. means to you.

3. How do I feel when I behave/act contrary to my core values?

4. The way I live my life, how does it line up with my core values?

Our core values perhaps can be likened to an "alarm" of sorts...when we act/behave contrary to them, we often feel uneasy, and our authentic selves nag at our conscience until we decide to deal with it.

In my view, that "alarm" is very helpful in assisting us to stay in touch with our authentic selves, and in finding our way through the "maze" we call life.

 

"My definition of success: When your core values and self-concept are in harmony with your daily actions and behaviours." (John Spence)

 

How to be a good friend.....on friendships

 

This is a painting I have called "Best Friends". In my imagination; it's a summers day, school's out, and a boy and his best friend are exploring the world together.

Friends, it seems to me, are very important for most of us, whether they have two or more legs, or perhaps even no legs at all....

But, what is a friend? Some suggestions: someone you can trust, someone who gets you, someone who supports you, someone who is loyal, someone who is honest, someone who loves and is passionate about the same things as you, someone who laughs at your jokes, someone who calls in on you when you're feeling poorly, someone who can keep a secret,...hmmm...seems the list goes on and on.....all the above and then some perhaps?

(A tall order for one person (/dog/cat/other) to fulfil so perhaps this is why we have a "category" we call our "best/closest" friend?)

I may be wrong, but is it possible that with the event of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, that our perception of what constitutes "a friend" has changed? Has the quantity of friends somehow become more important to us than the quality of our friendships?

If something unexpectedly wonderful, or bad happens, what is your kneejerk reaction: sharing your news in a public space (facebook/twitter/instagram), or getting in touch with the person you feel closest to, or perhaps mull it over internally before you share the news with anyone?

The song "You've got a friend" defines friendship rather nicely I think:

 

"When you're down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I'll be there

You've got a friend."

 

Defining what we seek/desire from the people we call friends, for many of us may be an easier task than defining what kind of friend we are to others. Do we ask ourselves if what we seek from others, we also offer others? A very close friend of mine, an incredible drummer, once told me: "You're too intense, too deep, and you need to lighten up. You scare people away."

Stumped, and temporarily speechless (yes, it happens...:) I looked at my friend and asked him to elaborate. "You need to learn how to chit-chat and just joke around," he answered.

Chit-chat? What? Talk and joke about.... nothing? Our friendship had developed through a deep connection both musically and through a meeting of the minds. We never chit-chatted yet we had formed a very strong friendship, so I was perplexed by his suggestion. But I listened to his words.

I learned how to chit-chat, and occasionally it seems, I manage to crack a "funny". Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: "The best way to find a friend is to be one."

So, how can one be a good friend?

Some suggestions: By listening, by asking what he/she may need, staying in touch, being supportive, being "there" when needed, using sensitive language, being persistent, consistent, and honest, and learning to respect your friend's boundaries, to mention a few.

Chances are, that the qualities we value in a friend, may also be what a friend may value in us.

Reaching out to someone beyond chit-chatting can be scary since the possibility of being rejected or ignored is always in play, however, so is also the possibility of developing a meaningful and long-lasting friendship...as someone once said: "Nothing worthwhile was ever achieved without an element of risk".

 

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity". (Khalil Gibran)

 

 

Thoughts can make us prisoners.......

Some "prisons" have visible, concrete walls, however, in my view it is possible to create "prisons" with our minds. (as in mindsets=our fixed mental attitudes)

We may erect "walls" by deciding "how things are" regardless of whether we have actually investigated if there may be possible solutions/outcomes/methods we have yet to try.

(Example: Wall 1> "It can't be done." Wall 2> "I can't do it."  Wall 3>"What if I fail, then I will be a failure, and I don't want to be a failure." Wall 4>"It's too scary with too many unknowns.")

These "invisible" walls are problematic because they are.....invisible to us. For us, "that's just the way things are".... until something happens that may challenge those walls of ours.

People often find themselves doing brave things although racked with fear when their lives, or loved ones, or even strangers lives, are in danger. When my son was a basketball mad kid, I took him to be signed up with a team, an hour later I walked away from the sign-up with a clipboard and the title "coach"! My mind was racing: "what???how??? and what happened, what do I know about being a basketball coach???" Because my son loved basketball so much, I decided to learn everything I could about coaching basketball because my love for my son was greater than my fear of failing as a coach.

According to research, more and more of us are seeking help to deal with our social anxiety issues and feelings of loneliness, which to me is quite interesting considering that as a planet, we are more "connected" than ever before. "Fear of rejection" is a common "wall" for those of us suffering with social anxiety, "fear of causing embarrassment to others and/or self" another, a third may be "speaking to a group of people", and a forth wall may be "a physical manifestation of fear" as in sweating, shaking, becoming tongue tied, speaking at an inappropriate volume, (too soft, too loud) etc.. however, these things can all be avoided when we "speak" through a keyboard.

So, many of us often choose to use the keyboard and doing so, ...we avoid putting ourselves in situations that are challenging, and before we know it, or perhaps are even aware of it, we have created our own "prisons" of invisible walls. Most of us probably experience a bit of anxiety when we meet new people, have to speak infront of a group, or face new situations, (I certainly do) but as with most challenges, avoidance often creates problems of its own. "I won't go to the party, there's too many people I don't know", "I won't go to the concert, there's too many people there", I won't go to the movies, there's too many people making noises", "I won't ....xxx....because....xxx". The list of what we "won't do" slowly increases and what we feel comfortable doing, decreases. Inadvertently, one may say, we have managed to create our own "prisons".  The opposite of avoidance, is to face, to meet, a challenge, and a helpful beginning point can be to question our thoughts. How am I thinking about this? (whatever the challenge is) Am I overly negative, have I got all the facts, have I dealt with this successfully at other times, are there other more positive ways to view this issue, am I basing my thinking on assumptions, etc.. ? Objectively challenging our thoughts and their validity rather than sticking with "that's just the way it is", we have an opportunity to discover new strengths within ourselves: "My thoughts tells me that .....xxx.....but do I know this for a fact?  Perhaps even though this is a bit scary, I can still do it?"

Creating "walls" may help us to feel more protected and safe, however, keeping others out prevents us from developing our capacity to deal with challenges, to develop relationships, and to flourish.

Walls protects, but they can also make us prisoners. The walls we create to protect ourselves from being hurt, often makes it hard for us to love, and to be loved.