Losing one's contours...on dealing with uncertainty

 

What is this? This is a close-up of Teddy's face, a character that appears on this blog now and then. Teddy is a little bear with many "big" questions.....

With the event of this new craze of "Mindfulness colouring-in books"; books with pages and pages of images made up of outlines/contours, and all that is needed is to colour them in; my mind started to ponder the importance of "contours".

(When I paint, or sketch, I love to use strong, definite contours, perhaps I could even say that for me it almost feels as if a work is un-finished if there are no definitive contours/outlines.)

If asked by someone: "How would you describe yourself?", how would you answer?

I am guessing, but, I have a feeling that you would use some sort of "contours": "I am Australian, (or whatever your country), I am a female/male, I am x years old, I am tall/short/medium in height, I have blue/brown/green eyes, I am a plumber/electrician/personal trainer/etc.etc., I see myself as....xxx, I believe in...xxx", and so on. These "contours" are important to us, they help us define who and what we are, but also how we view others. "He/she, is......xxx...", we may surmise, but that may not necessarily be correct, i:e, how we view others "contours" may not be how they would define their contours.

Sometimes things/events/experiences can lead us to question our contours: "I thought that if .......xxx...it would always mean that.......but now it seems as if that's not the case."

In conversation with a friend, I was grappling with trying to describe the feelings one can have when events take place that seem to dis-integrate some of one's most treasured and reliable contours....and out came: "It feels like losing one's contours."

(Lucky for me, my friend instantly understood what I meant!)

According to some research I read, human beings make thousands of decisions everyday. From what to eat for breakfast to what time to go to bed, and all the other decisions in between. In order to make it easier for ourselves and to not have to make the decisions afresh everyday, we create habits/routines: "I get up at x o'clock, I have x for breakfast, I wear x kind of clothes, I like x, I dislike xz, I believe in..., I don't believe in...., I stand for...., I don't stand for....", and so on. By creating routines for the "small" stuff, we lessen the amount of decisions we have to make each day, and this can be experienced as quite comforting, I believe. But we don't stop there, uncertainty is a pesky critter, so often we decide "that's how it is" even for "bigger" stuff such as: "who am I, why am I here, where did we come from, where do we go when we die, what's the meaning of life, etc."

Once we have decided what the answers to those questions are, we can often experience a sense of relief and to a degree, keep uncertainty at bay.

Until, something happens that collides with our "contours" and makes us question our answers to those big questions and like Teddy, we may feel like "we have lost our contours".

Once, when I felt like I had lost some of my contours,I decided to entertain a for me, new notion: "what if some comfort and certainty can be had by viewing "uncertainty" as a certainty?"

Accepting uncertainty as part of the human condition, (=turning an uncertainty into a certainty) can be, well it was for me, wonderfully liberating. Routines and habits can be helpful when it comes to the lightening of the burden of decision making, but in my view, not terribly helpful when it comes to discovery, creativity, and expansion of what it is to be fully alive.

Two eyes, a nose, and a mouth, without contours, could belong to: a bear, a rat, a cat, a fox, a badger, a dog, a dingo, a wolf, a teddy, and so on....the possibilities are many.

Perhaps losing one's contours at times can be viewed as an opportunity for reinvention?

New contours, a new "creature", new experiences?

 

“The journey of reinvention is one of raw emotions
Emerging from dormancy
Surprising as a paper cut
Overwhelming as a hailstorm
One part vulnerability
One part rage
One part surrender
Uncomfortable
Unfamiliar
Unsure
Fearful
Alone
Damaged
Broken
And finding a new Self
Slowly
Different
Healing
Humble
Present
Open
Longing
Free"

(David Rudbarg)

 

 

 

 

"Technology aside,........in the end, what matters most, is that someone walks beside you."

 

"Citizen Kane"...a movie that baffles and confounds, irritates and fascinates. (This is a painting of Orson Wells who played the character Charles Foster Kane that I am working on at the moment)

Synopsis: "The film opens with a long shot of Xanadu - the private estate of one of the world's richest men. In the middle of the estate is a castle. We see, inside the castle, a dying man examining a winter scene within a crystal ball. As he drops it, it smashes, and one word is heard - "Rosebud..." (Colin Tinto)

The movie in my view is basically about figuring out what "Rosebud" was....and.....that neither power nor money necessarily brings happiness. What about fame? Can being famous make you feel happy?

Fame, for this purpose, defined as "the state of being known by many". Before the event of the internet, one became "famous" through appearing in the papers, on the Radio, Television, or in movies.

Today, if it is fame one is seeking, the Internet can be an excellent tool: YouTube, Twitter, FaceBook, Instagram, etc. are tools anyone can use, anywhere, at anytime. And the amazing thing with those, is that a person, or a cat, or a dog, etc., can become super "famous" in a flash.....by doing something good or bad, crazy or heroic, funny or sad, stupid or brave, amazing or mundane, it really doesn't seem to matter. At its core, "fame" may I suggest, is perhaps desirable because it can satisfy one of our most basic needs: validation. (=approval)

Take FaceBook for instance: How important is it for you to receive "likes" when you post something? Is the number of "friends" you have important to you? If you post something that you feel strongly about, and nobody makes a comment or "likes" it, do you feel disappointed?

On the other hand: Does FaceBook help you feel connected? Does it offer you a place to express your thoughts, and perhaps have those thoughts validated? (I don't use Twitter or Instagram, so I am excluding those for lack of knowledge or first hand experience)

According to some research, in spite of the many varied ways in which we can communicate with each other, more and more of us are experiencing social anxiety and feelings of alienation.

Which seems to me to be a bit of an oxymoron: so many different ways for us to communicate with each other, yet allegedly, somehow we are feeling more anxious?

Helpful and rewarding as the "technological space" can be for communication and finding validation, question remains.......is it enough?

A person may have 390 FaceBook friends, but when all the i-Thingys are turned off, how many actual friends does that person have? Are digits and such on a screen sufficient in meeting a person's needs for interaction, validation, and connection?

In the technological space, it is possible to be whoever we want to be. Watching the show "Catfish" I was amazed to see how far some of us will go in order to connect: fake life stories, identities, gender, backgrounds, relationships, etc. were created and sustained for years. (Aka= a catfish)

In most cases, eventually the "catfish" would be found out, often resulting in the person being "catfished" feeling terribly hurt and disappointed. (On the other hand, my IT guy, who used to help me with all things computer, met his wife on line....through their shared love for an on-line game, and an honest and sincere interaction.)

Are some of us playing out our social and personal issues in the technological space?

(Judging from the issue of "cyber bullying", words can hurt just as much on a screen as when spoken, however, in my view, writing nasty things on a screen is far easier than saying them face to face, and often carries very little chance of repercussions.)

While in a chat room, a "troll", aka "a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community" (Wikipedia) entered and decided to do his/her thing. In the space of a few minutes he/she managed to hurt and upset most of the people in the room with the effect that most people left. I couldn't help but wonder if he/she would behave in such manner in an "actual" space.....

Was he/she seeking some kind of validation?....better to be hated than ignored?

The "technological" space, when respected, can be a wonderful place for making new friendships, meeting new people, keeping old friendships alive, communicating with distant relatives, etc.etc., but may I suggest that just as beneficial as the technological space is, so is "actual" space. (= the physical space)

As well as texting, why not also call and talk,...as well as chatting in a chat room, why not also meet up with some friends for a coffee/meal/movie, as well as reading stuff on line, why not also go to a book store, as well as downloading music, why not also go to a live concert, as well as skyping with your folks/grown children, why not also go see them in person, as well as googling reasons for your pain, why not also go see a health professional, etc.etc.

As amazing as the technological space is....it can't hug you, it can't sit beside you when you're in pain, it can't listen to you when you have concerns you need to talk about, it can't comfort you when you feel alone, only "real" people can do that.

"When it boils down to it, it doesn't really matter how famous you are, how powerful you are, or how much money you have, in the end, what matters most, is that someone walks beside you."

(Citizen Z)

 

Encouraging words are never wasted........

A chat room conversation

Noname: only one more bottle to go
Mozz: bottle of what?
Noname: gin
Mozz: how many have bottles have you drunk already?
Noname: 2
Mozz: sheez…that’s a lot…are you trying to set a record or something?
Noname: nah I just want to make everything go away
Mozz: why do you want everything to go away?
Noname: because life sux
Noname: nothing seems to work out for me
Mozz: you sound down, but for someone who has drunk 2 bottles of gin, you seem really cohesive
Noname: yeah, well I have a lot of practise, I have been drinking a lot for a long time now
Mozz: how do you feel if you don’t drink?
Noname: can’t remember…I’ve been drinking like this for 3 years now
Mozz: I am sorry to hear that you feel that life sux… is there nothing in your life that is good?
Noname: I have some friends that don’t suck, I mean, they seem to care about me
Mozz: how do your friends feel about you drinking all the time?
Noname: they’re used to it… once when I drank so much I passed out, one of my friends took me to the hospital and I had my stomach pumped
Mozz: ouch! But good that your friend looked out for you
Noname: the hospital made me go to rehab
Mozz: can I ask you how old you are?
Noname: 23
Mozz: I see, did the rehab help?
Noname: well, I felt pretty good when I got out, but I started to drink again after a month
Mozz: why did you start again?
Noname: because that's what I do
Mozz: would you like to quit drinking?
Noname: sometimes.....
Mozz: why did you start to drink in the first place?
Noname: because life hurts...and when you're drunk you don't feel it
Mozz: that may be true, but being drunk also prevents us from feeling all the good things that life has to offer

This is a snippet of a long conversation I had in a chatroom with a young guy in the UK. (Not the actual conversation, just an interpretation) It was probably one of the most confrontational and difficult conversations I have ever had with someone..... To cut a long story short: while we were speaking he kept on drinking until eventually he disconnected. But before he did, we had had a brief conversation about art and I gave him the address to this blog. (The state he was in, I had very little confidence in that he managed to write it down.)

I couldn't stop thinking about the young lad, so a week later I went back to the chatroom I had met him in. I had only just logged in when one of my friends in the chatroom pinged me.

 "Did you have a long conversation with Noname last week?" she asked.

"Yes, I did", I answered.

"Well, Noname is a close friend of mine, so can I tell you something in confidence? she continued.

The chatroom has a facility where people can speak one-on-one, so we moved our conversation into PM (=private message)

"A friend and I, went to visit Noname last week and found him comatose on the floor in his flat. We phoned an ambulance and they rushed him to the emergency barely alive. It was awful, he nearly died and I was so scared for him...anyway, they pumped his stomach and eventually he came to. He has done this before and sometimes he has just walked out of the hospital, but this time, they said he had to do three months rehab." My friend seemed very upset as she recalled the event from her memory.

"How is he doing now?" I asked.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you," she carried on " did you give Noname the address to your blog?"

"Why do you ask?" I asked perplexed and a little worried.

"Well, when I visited Noname yesterday, he told me about his conversation with you and that you gave him the address to your blog."

I was stunned...copious amounts of gin and Noname still managed to write down the address to my blog?.....I was impressed.

"Anyway," she continued, "he told me that he has been reading your blog and it has been helping him to think differently about some things in his life."

"Really, wow......that makes me very happy to hear, because I have been really worried about him, actually, I too feared for his life," I responded.

"He still has to do the rehab, but this time, he sounds as if he wants to do it, which makes me very happy for him and has renewed my hope." Wrote my friend and added a smiley face.

       I never spoke with Noname again, but the last time I spoke with my friend, she told me that he was doing okay.

              I have told you this story because the events as they unfolded, reaffirmed for me and hopefully for you as well, how important words that convey a positive message are.

It is my belief that kind words or gestures, or words of a life affirming and positive nature, are never wasted. A single line can change a life: I believe in you...... I hear you..... I see you.....I am here for you....You can do it..... Don't give up.....Keep on trying.....You are not alone...You matter...

 

"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you will start having positive results."

(Willie Nelson)

What's the point? On shifting perspective........

 

 In the movie "Shindler's List" there is a scene when a young boy in order to save himself jumps into a barrel full of human faeces. This pastel painting is my interpretation of a shot in the movie depicting the guards ransacking the so called "toilets" and the length at which some of the children went to in order to survive.

The survival instinct, commonly viewed as a an innate behaviour in most living things, and paramount to Darwin's idea of the origin of Species, what happens to that instinct if one finds oneself at "the Pointless Stage"?

("The Pointless Stage" is a term that my son recently introduced me to. Although many of us perhaps have times when we may feel that everything seems pointless, personally, I have never really thought of it as a "stage", a phase, with a beginning and an end.)

A man in consultation with a psychologist tells the psychologist that life feels pointless to him; "what's the point in trying, nobody understands me anyway, what's the point in doing all the healthy stuff, we 're all gonna die anyway, what's the point in caring, everybody just cares about themselves anyway, what's the point in overcoming obstacles, there's just gonna be new ones tomorrow," the man laments. On the way home from the consultation, the man's car breaks down. "Typical", he mutters under his breath. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, a lightning bolt strikes the car. A blinding light fills the car and a tingling feeling rushes through the man's body. The event takes only a few seconds, but in those few seconds of fearing for his life, the man realises that he wants to live, that life is precious, and though some things may seem pointless, there are many things that matter.

While in the "pointless stage", often our ability to see things from different perspectives is affected:

Often it is not: some people that doesn't understand us, rather, its all the people, .....it is not: some people who doesn't seem to care, rather, nobody cares, ........it is not: that obstacles come our way now and then, rather, there are always obstacles in our way, ......it is not: doing healthy stuff makes me healthier now, rather... we are all going to die so why bother?

If we are experiencing the "pointless stage", then our perspective is often very narrow...."everything is pointless" and people suggesting that perhaps we broaden our perspective: "look at it from this perspective then perhaps you...." may be experienced as irritating and quite clueless.

Mindsets can be hard to change, but the good news is, they can be changed.

While it may be true that some people do not understand us, there are others that do if we give them a chance to.

While it may be true that we all will die eventually, until that day, why not invest some time and energy in doing and thinking things of a life-affirming nature?

While it may be true that some people don't care about others, some people do.

If you are experiencing the "pointless stage", yet still somehow, would like to get out of it, perhaps a few questions may be of assistance?

Am I viewing things as pointless because I am hurting? (I can't be hurt if I don't care)

Am I viewing things as pointless because I am scared? (If I don't try, I can't fail)

Am I viewing things as pointless because I have been let down? (If I don't hope, I can't loose hope)

Am I viewing things as pointless because I think it's too late for a change? (It's too late for me to change now, I should have done that earlier)

Am I viewing things as pointless because I don't want to change perspective? (Changing perspective can be hard work)

These are perhaps difficult questions for some of us, but having asked myself these questions many times, I have found them to be quite helpful, and my hope is that they may be useful for you too.

 

“Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn't be here in the first place. And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life's challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it is always because of one person that all the changes that matter in the world come about. So be that one person.” (R. Buckminster Fuller) 

Want to feel better? Have a good laugh......

 

“My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh.

                  But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's pain.”  

 

“You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down.”

 

Charlie Chaplin, used comedy to portray, reflect, and observe the world and its inhabitants.

He helped us to smile, and to laugh, in spite of our troubles. For a brief moment, a bit of comedy allowed us to forget what ailed us and just be present in the now. "Comic relief", at times can be very helpful, especially if, for some reason one finds oneself stuck in a troubled mindset.

"Laughter is the best medicine" someone once said. Now why is that? What is so good with laughter?

Let me suggest a few things:

1. Laughter relaxes muscles all over the body

2. Laughter is a language without borders; it's universal, wordless, everyone "speaks" it.

3. Laughter is a relaxant: when we laugh, our blood pressure and pulse rate drops a bit, our body releases endorphins(feel-good chemical) and our immune system increases its T-cell account.

4. Laughter can help us cope when we are going through difficult times. There is a very narrow line between tragedy and comedy; "Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually have comic touches to the victim. Happiness probably consists largely in the capacity to detect and relish them." (H.L Mencken)

5. Laughter connects us with each other, it can create a bond (although at times perhaps temporary) with others when we are laughing together.

6. Laughter, can be a creative tool for learning...Though I had no interest in Chemistry in high school, the teacher was hilarious, and the class was in stitches as he blew up Busen burners, glass vials, and the alarm went off once a week.....I still learned a lot more in this class than in many others.

                                              (Perhaps you can think of more benefits?)

During a troublesome period recently when there seemed little to laugh about, I sought solace in watching TV. Flicking through the channels I came across a show called "Mrs Brown's Boy's".

At first it seemed silly but as I kept watching the show, I found myself laughing more and more, and when the show finished, I felt strangely invigorated. Having laughed heartedly for a spell somehow affected my attitude, and I felt more confident in being able to overcome my troubles.

In this case, laughter truly seemed to be "good medicine".

One of the many benefits with having a good laugh, is that it can help us shift our perspective: a humorous perspective can help us to gain some psychological distance, which in turn can assist us in feeling less overwhelmed. In short, taking the time out to have a good laugh in the midst of turmoil and troubles may not change a situation, but it has the potential to change the way we view the situation. "Have a good laugh, it makes you feel better."

What if I just can't laugh? Then may I suggest that you watch, or listen, to others laughing, it's infectious. That's why many TV shows have a so called "laughing track".

A friend once told me: "You're too serious, you need to learn to lighten up." At first I felt put out by that comment, but after considering it, I decided to take it to heart. But how does one "lighten up"?

I concluded that asking myself some questions could be helpful:

That, which is upsetting me, is it really worth getting upset over? Is it really important? Is it really all that bad? Are there other ways to view the situation? Can I find something humorous in the situation? Am I taking myself too seriously? That, which is upsetting me, is it really on my shoulders to "fix" it, or am I taking on the responsibility for "fixing" something which is out of my control? etc. etc.

I concluded:

"The antidote for taking oneself too serious, is to take a serious look at ones toenails." (Citizen Z)

 

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it, and then move on."

(Bob Newhart)

"Laughter is the valve on the pressure cooker of life. Either you laugh and suffer or, you've got your beans or brains on the ceiling." (Wavy Gravy)

"Laughter heals all wounds, and that's one thing everybody shares. No matter what you are going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing."

(Kevin Hart)

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it." (Groucho Marx)

 

Go on, have a good laugh, it will do you good.

"Laughter is an instant vacation." (Milton Berle)