On overcoming obstacles..........

 

Sometimes, it may seem as if the easiest and best way to deal with difficult and challenging stuff,

 is to just put on a blindfold. "Out of sight, out of mind" so some say.

But is that true? Do difficulties and challenges go away if we don't see (acknowledge) them?

Put another way: If you had to run an obstacle course, would you prefer to do it with or without a blindfold?

Life, in my view, in many ways can be likened to an obstacle course: some obstacles one may have to go around, some climb over, some one may have to disassemble, some one may have to get past by finding a way under the obstacle, and some, one may have to find a way through.

(When wearing a blindfold; anticipating and finding solutions to overcoming the different obstacles; may prove very difficult.)

Some "obstacles" are common to most of us: health issues, things not going the way we planned, people not behaving the way we anticipated, nature not behaving the way we anticipated, accidents, acquiring enough money to live the way we want to, finding our way through the loss of people we love, making difficult decisions, dealing with conflicts of different kinds, and so on.

Overcoming obstacles, may I suggest, is an important aspect of the "human condition". ("The human condition is defined as "the characteristics, key events, and situations which compose the essentials of human existence, such as birth, growth, emotionality, aspiration, conflict, and mortality." Wikipedia)

To overcome an obstacle, perhaps a good starting point is to learn as much as possible about the obstacle. Ex: "I don't seem to be able to pull myself out of this blue/sad mood I'm in."

Possible approach: when did it begin, did something in particular happen, have I experienced this before, do I know someone who has experienced this before, can I find some information perhaps that can help me understand this, is this a common experience, and if so, are there others that may be able to help me through this? etc.etc..

Overcoming an obstacle while wearing a "blindfold", can be both confusing and frustrating: a blindfolded Teddy runs into a wall. Since he is blindfolded, he has no idea how high it is, how extensive it is, what it is made of, or if it perhaps has an opening he can use. If he, on the other hand removed his blindfold, he would quickly be able to answer all the questions and ascertain his options of overcoming the obstacle.

Difficulties and or challenges, whether we "see" them or not, have a tendency to pop up in most lives.

Parents will eventually die, children will leave home, accidents will happen, love will be found and lost, ageing will take place, wars will be fought, disappointments will take place, etc.etc.

Wearing a blindfold will unfortunately not prevent these things from happening.

In my view, with every obstacle we face eyes wide open, lies the potential for us to grow, to learn more about ourselves, to discover strengths we may not even have known we possessed, and to expand our capacity for compassion, love and understanding.

 

"If you expect life to be easy, challenges will seem difficult. If you accept that challenges may occur, life will be easier." (Rob Liano) 

 

"It's part of life to have obstacles. It's about overcoming obstacles; that's the key to happiness."

(Herbie Hancock)

 

"Life is like an obstacle course,

question is; do you want to

live it with your eyes wide open,

or wearing a blindfold?"

(Citizen Z)

Relax your mind with the help of mindfulness.........

"Now, close your eyes. With your mind, imagine a place of beauty."

I closed my eyes and tried to still my anxious thoughts, my thumping head, and my racing heart.

"Well, it is not as easy as it sounds," I quipped, "when one's whole being is in turmoil."

"Never the less, friend, try," he said calmly.

Again I closed my eyes, and tried to conger up an image of beauty. Flashes of light and colour whizzed by, indescribable shapes, but no particular place per se showed up.

"You don't have to hold your breath, just breathe evenly and slowly."

I had not noticed that I was holding my breath, but as soon as he said it, I realised that when I was trying to visualise a place of beauty, I was indeed holding my breath.

"Right, sorry, wasn't even aware of that I was holding my breath," I responded.

I closed my eyes again, but this time I was too busy making sure I wasn't holding my breath that I saw nothing, except for the inside of my eyelids.

"Who would have thought it could be this hard to breathe slowly and evenly while at the same time visualising something," I thought.

Being still and just present in the moment had always been hard for me, my mind was a very busy mind and didn't seem to have an "off" switch.

"Listen" he said, "can you hear wind?"

"Yes, I can hear the wind," I answered.

"Focus your attention on only listening to the wind, and breathing slowly."

With the greatest of efforts I focused my attention on the wind and as I did, I noticed that my breathing somehow automatically slowed down. Amazingly, as the minutes passed, my anxious thoughts and racing heart became less prevalent. Suddenly, and as if out of nowhere, an image emerged in my minds eye. I saw trees dressed for autumn, a still lake, a mountain range, and a sky draped in a multitude of colours.

All else was gone; the anxiety, the thumping head, the racing heart; I had finally managed to remove my mind from my worries, to a place of beauty. I clung to it. How many minutes passed while I was "visiting" my place of beauty, I have no idea, but I slowly became aware again of where I was in actuality.

"Did you succeed in finding a place of beauty?" he asked.

"Indeed, I did, and the experience was amazing and very relaxing," I answered.

"What you experienced, is something called "mindfulness", and it can be a very effective tool to centre oneself and find a moment of inner stillness, he said.

"Can I do this again, and at any time and anywhere,? I asked.

"Yes, you can," he responded.

 

Though the above is a fictitious story, mindfulness is not.

There are many definitions of mindfulness: a form of self-awareness, a form of meditation, "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, often used as a therapeutic technique" (Wikipedia), being present in one's experience, etc..

I struggled with coming to grips with what it is exactly, until one day I had an experience that helped me understand it.

Sitting on the couch, trying to relax my mind, a grasshopper of some sort suddenly started up outside the window. It was loud, and almost impossible to ignore, so I decided to focus all my attention on just hearing the grasshopper, everything else I put on "ignore". For how long the grasshopper sang his song, I have no idea, but when he suddenly stopped, I realised that I felt very refreshed and relaxed.

How odd, I thought. I decided to try this with other sounds: birds, far-away traffic sounds, cooling fans, humming air cons, the waves of the ocean, etc. etc.., and they all worked.

Somehow, paying attention to something in particular, but without attaching any judgments, or opinions to it, i:e just staying in the experience, relaxes the mind.

The same mind that may conger up all sorts of disasters, dilemmas, stresses, anxieties, etc. is the same mind that can help us to overcome them.

 

 

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” (James Baraz)

Give peace a chance........

 

 

 

This is one of many symbols representing Peace and was originally designed in 1958 for the British nuclear disarmament movement by Gerald Holtom. (Wikipedia) Nowadays, commonly this symbol represents peace in general.

Peace has many definitions: freedom from disturbance, harmony, goodwill, friendship, tranquillity, absence of war, the end of war, amity, and many more.

Each culture has its own definition and word for peace, here are some:

Armenian- Khanaghutyun, Belorussian-Pakoj, Catalan-Pau, Danish-Fred, Estonian-Rahu,

Farsi-Solh, German-Frieden, Hindi-Shanti, Italian-Pace, Japanese-Heiwa,

Kurdish-Hasiti, Latin-Pax, Maori-Rongo, Norwegean-Fred, Polish-Pokoj, Swedish-Fred,

just to mention a few.

"Peace comes from being able to contribute the best that we have, and all that we are, toward creating a world that supports everyone. But it is also securing the space for others to contribute the best that they have and all that they are." (Hafsat Abiola)

"The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us." (Black Elk 1863-1950)

 

"What would happen if instead of focusing our attention on our differences, 

for just a little time, we focused instead on our common experiences?

What would happen if we loosened the grip on who's right and who's wrong,

for just a little time, instead we just tried to get along?

What would happen if.... when our hearts fill up with anger and hate,

for just a little time, we choose love instead?

What would happen if we made "peace for all", our foremost objective,

our solemn directive,

for just a little time, might we not achieve a more harmonious perspective?"

(Citizen Z)

 

"Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace." (Buddha)

 

 



Finding inner strength.....

 

Do you consider yourself as a "strong" person? "Well, that depends on how you define "strong", you may answer.

In English, there is a saying: "Stiff upper lip and all that".... And what that means as far as I gather is: The person having a stiff upper lip is exercising great restraint and control of his/her emotions no matter what. The task will be executed.

Is that what is commonly meant with being strong? Hmmmm.......

There are different aspects to being strong: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and probably many more, but the kind of strength I am going to write about, is of the emotional kind.

It can perhaps be defined as: a person's internal coping capabilities, as in understanding when and how to utilise those inner capabilities.

Perhaps I can begin with some common sayings about what strong people are like:

strong people are born strong, they are bossy, they don't ask for help, they don't show their emotions, they have never had to experience "real" suffering and or pain, they don't let any emotions get in the way of reaching their goals, and so on... perhaps you know more sayings?

Those sayings seem to fit well with "stiff upper lip and all that", but are they conducive to emotional well being? Commonly emotionally strong people are described as quiet, stoic, (Merriam-Webster: a member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium about 300 b.c. holding that the wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law.) and outwardly unaffected by emotions. Failure to fit that description of emotional strength, is often viewed as a sign of a person having difficulties in coping and being emotionally "weak". Commonly referred to as "wearing one's heart on the sleeve".

What if emotional strength is not about how we respond immediately to an event, but rather, what we do after? A person may initially put on a stiff upper lip in the face of difficulties, and then go home and decide that it's all too hard and decide to quit. A person may initially show signs of emotional distress in the face of a difficult situation, and then go home and decide to try another tack. A person showing emotions in a difficult situation, does not necessarily indicate a sign of weakness, rather, in my view, those emotions may indicate the beginning of emotional processing.

Having said that, there are times when it may be more helpful to postpone the processing of one's emotions for a later date.

When my father was taken ill recently, the emotions in the family were highly charged. We were all worried, but when visiting dad in hospital, we kept our emotions in check. That is not to say that we did not have them, just that for dad's sake, we put them on "ice" so that we could be positive and encouraging, and in doing so, hopefully assisting in his recovery. Among ourselves, we did talk about what we were experiencing, and the concerns we had.

Postponing charged emotions in my view, is not the same as suppressing one's emotions. When we suppress, we don't acknowledge our emotions, we just push them deep into our subconscious with no intention of processing or dealing with them. Doing so may lead to those emotions popping up at the oddest of times and heavily disguised: instead of sadness, we feel anger, instead of anger, we feel sadness, etc. Postponing our emotions (if possible at the time), we acknowledge them, but we put them to the side to be dealt with at a later date and in a safe and appropriate environment.

In many professions, (soldiers, cops, doctors, nurses, etc.) people by necessity have to postpone their emotions and just "get on with the job", but nowadays there is something called "debriefing" which is basically a meeting in which the participants get a chance to talk about their experiences with others. When I worked with an organisation that assisted the homeless, we always had a debriefing session after we returned back to the office, which for me was very valuable and assisted in helping me to grow my "emotional muscles". (Some, who had more experience than others, spoke less than us "newbies", but we all spoke.)

So, what are some benefits from increasing (growing) one's emotional strength?

Here are some of my suggestions (you may well have others):

It helps us to develop resilience,  it assists us in acknowledging our true feelings,  being in tune with our own emotions, we can become more sensitive and compassionate to other's emotions,  being able to discern when we may have to postpone our emotions we may be able to handle difficult situations in a more conducive and helpful way, (both for ourselves and others),  allowing ourselves to feel what we feel without reprimanding ourselves as "weak", we learn to process our emotions without un-necessary guilt (self-imposed or not)... just to mention a few.

If you find yourself chastising yourself when you show emotions (except for anger which comes real easy to you and feels right), and the words telling you to "suck it up" is on repeat, perhaps it may be a good idea to try to remember when you first heard those words..... and who said them.

 

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength." (Ralph Sockman)

 

"Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength." (Henry Ward Beecher)

Mind reading.... helpful or hurtful?

"What, are you a mind reader now?" he asked.

She remained quiet for a few seconds, then answered: "No, I am not a mind reader, but since you won't tell me what you are feeling and thinking, I have to be."

"Guessing" what other people are thinking, is what psychologists call mindreading.

There is another word for guessing that I prefer: assuming.

Assuming, basically is when we formulate an idea/notion of what someone else is thinking/feeling, without having any evidence to support that idea. Mind reading, in my view, is based on assumptions.

Your partner returns from work/studies/being out, and is unusually quiet. "What's wrong?" you ask. "Nothing", he/she answers. "But you seem so quiet", you continue. "Nothing is wrong, I am just a bit tired, that's all", he/she responds. Commonly what happens next is that we pull back, but our mind reading begins.  Did I do something wrong? Is he/she angry with me? Why is he so tired? Is he tired of me?" etc.etc.

Ofcourse, if you are a very positive person you may assume that whatever is on your partners mind, is something positive, and when he/she is ready to talk about it, he/she will.

Whether our mind reading is of the negative or positive kind, it is still mind reading founded on assumptions.

(Alice Boyes, a writer for Psychology Today, calls it "cognitive distortion", distortion because our thinking is biased and may lead us draw faulty conclusions.)

"I can't say that, dress like that, do that, speak my mind, show my true feelings, etc.etc. people may think that I am.........xxx......." Sound familiar? Most of us desire social acceptance, perhaps more to the point; we like to be liked by our peers, family members, friends, etc.

Example: Having a coffee with your friend, he/she keeps texting while you are trying to tell him/her about your "bad" day. You may think: "What sort of a friend would keep texting when I am pouring my heart out?" assuming that your friend is not as interested in your bad day as much as he/she is in the person on the phone. When your friend eventually tells you that his/her mother has been taken ill and rushed to hospital and that his/her sister was texting the progress, you realise that perhaps it would have been better if you would have just asked: "has something happened?"

Statements we make starting with: "I know you usually........, I can tell that you........, I know that look, it means that........., I know what you're thinking........, I know what you're feeling........, etc." in my view, commonly involves mindreading.

Although we may assume that we know what someone else is thinking, feeling, experiencing, we may be off the mark. The only way to be sure, is to ask: "What are you thinking, feeling, experiencing?"

"You look sad, are you? What are you thinking? You seem angry, are you? You are so quiet, is there something bothering you?" and so on.

Mindreading, is something we all do. Viewed from a positive perspective, when we engage in mind reading, we are accessing our memories, observations, experiences, and powers of reason.

Accessing that information helps us to create a "map" of others behaviours and emotions, which can help us decipher visual, physical, and auditory clues. ( Some suggest that mindreading is an important element of social intelligence.)   Bearing in mind however, that thoughts and feelings are rarely transparent for most of us. Sometimes we may not be at all clear about what we are feeling or thinking which may result in us sending out "mixed" messages.

(Your friend got the job you wanted, you are happy he/she did, but sad that you missed out.....)

When my son was a teenager, he often used to get angry with me when I said things like: "I know it hurts, but it will get better, I know that you are feeling like nobody understands you," etc...

He would look at me and say: "You don't know what I am feeling, you think you do, but you don't. You are not me."

He was right ofcourse, I knew how I had felt in similar circumstances when I was his age, but that did not mean that I knew how he was feeling. I had to change my approach and instead of telling him that I knew how he was feeling, I asked him.

This applies to many situations when people we love go through difficulties. We often assume/mindread what others may be feeling/thinking, and with the best of intentions we give advice, based on our own experiences, rather than simply asking them:  "What can I do, what do you need?"

In many relationships, mindreading seems to be a common phenomenon:

"My wife and I don't like spicy food." "But I do like spicy foods, Albert," says the wife, "you don't like spicy foods."  "You do?", says Albert. "Yes, I do Albert, you just assumed that I don't because you don't," answered the wife.  "My son loves fishing, just like me," says the father. "No, I don't," says the son. I go fishing with you because I like being with you, not because I like fishing," says the son. "You're upset, I can tell, because you are quiet," says the girlfriend. "No, I am not upset, I am quiet because I have a headache," says the boyfriend.

Mindreading, when used as a "map" in social settings, can be quite helpful in my view, whereas in relationships, perhaps less so. To find out how a loved one feels or thinks, why not ask them?

Even though this at times perhaps can feel too direct, too confrontational, too scary, at least when we ask we don't have to guess, we will know.

 

"Instead of trying to read someone's mind,

ask them what's on it."

(Citizen Z)