Someone seeking attention may just be seeking their authentic selves.........

"So, why do feel that you want attention?" I asked.

"I don't know, but I like how I feel when somebody pays me attention", she continued.

"What kind of attention is it that you seek?" I asked.

"What do you mean with "what kind of attention"? she responded.

"The kind of attention you want, is it the kind that you deem as a form of approval, or validation, or  perhaps the kind of attention that confirms that you are truly "seen"?

"I guess I haven't thought that deeply about it, all I know is that I like it when someone pays attention to me", she answered.

This conversation puzzled me. What was behind wanting attention? Commonly it seems to me that seeking attention is frowned upon: "she is only doing that to get some attention, he is saying that just to get some attention, that kid is just wanting some attention, he/she only dress/behave that way to get some attention, etc."

Is wanting attention usually something "bad", or shameful? Is it possible for "wanting attention" to be something "good"?

My cat, Lovecraft, has her own way of getting my attention when she feels that she is being ignored or not payed the attention she desires. She starts to push things off shelves, jump on top of one of the  speakers, and at times even finds her way to this keyboard while I am writing. My interpretation of this behaviour is that: she wants food, she wants to go out, she wants.....well, what does she really want? Sometimes, neither food nor being let out seems to be what she wants, and since I don't speak "cat", I usually just play with her for a little while, and this often tends to placate her need for attention.

I have often heard it said: "oh, ignore her, she's such a drama queen, always wanting attention", or "ignore him, he is only behaving like a lunatic to get people's attention", or "ignore them, they are just protesting (or something similar) to get some attention".

Okay, so what is so "good" about getting others attention? What's the pay-off?

Perhaps the pay-off is validation of some sort, but, why? what is the driving force behind those people seeking attention to the extent that it affects and influence their behaviour? (In our opinion excessively so)

Most human beings are social beings with needs for social interactions, we desire feedback and validation for what we do and who we are. The attention we get from our activities whether at home, at work, or at school, etc. is often satisfying enough for us, although occasionally we may engage in activities that may bring us more attention, but attention in such situations are not usually our goal, rather a "side effect"...i.e.. the "reluctant hero" only doing his/her job.

Commonly, validation is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others; one may say that it is a recognition and understanding of our own and others feelings, thoughts, behaviours, achievements, etc. without un-necessary judgement attached. (Ex: I view it differently, but I still validate your feelings on the subject)

If someone is engaging in a behaviour which we may deem "attention seeking" for the sake of it, how do we know for sure that there is not an underlying "valid" reason for that person to be doing so?

How much attention is acceptable, and who gets to decide that?

(Some of us play our cards close to the chest, some of us show our hands willingly and deliberately, and some of us do both, but perhaps not at the same time.)

Perhaps, driving a "drama queen" is not so much the desire for attention, as the desire for validation of his/her ....feelings?

Perhaps, the teenager engaging in risky behaviour is not doing so just for attention, rather, to draw the parent's attention to his/her needs for validation?

I am of the view, that if someone is seeking attention, there is usually a reason (whether conscious or not) for someone doing so. Perhaps they are doing so due to a lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, feelings of insecurity, and are seeking validation in order to boost their levels of self-worth.

Perhaps someone is seeking positive attention by doing things which they hope may elicit praise, admiration and or positive regards from others, which in turn may evoke a sense of validation?

When someone is doing something that demands our attention, it brings our attention to the "now", the present, to them, and draws our attention away from us. When Lovecraft, my cat, push things of shelves, or walk on my keyboard, I am forced to notice her needs and to take some form of action, then and there. If I happen to be very involved in what I am doing, then her wanting my attention feels like an intrusion, an interruption into my "headspace" often with the result of me feeling irritated. Being that she is a cat, reasoning with her is futile, so it is far more expedient for me to try to figure out what she needs and attend to those needs. Once her needs have been met, my time, becomes my time, once again. Perhaps this may work with humans as well? If someone is doing their utmost to get our attention, perhaps finding out what he/she needs may be more constructive and helpful then dismissing him/her as an "attention-seeker"?

Someone seeking attention may just be seeking their authentic selves.

 

 “Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated.”

(Jill Bolte Taylor)

 

(About the painting: the "self" is unzipping, wanting to come out from behind the cover)

"The mind is a flexible mirror"......adjust the mirror, see a different world.

 

Raise your gaze higher

 

Every now then, raise your gaze,

from the little things that bug you,

those thoughtless words that stub you.

Look up, look forward, look into,

what possibilities awaits a fresh new view.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

and follow the flight of a common starling or a busy blue-jay,

with eyes like a child, let your imagination run wild,

and watch as horses, and unicorns gallop across the unfolding sky.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

and look deeply into someone's eyes;

no matter how clever and profound a disguise may be;

in the eyes, hides our deepest verite.

A split second connection, a wordless expression,

more precious than all that glitters then fades,

ours for the taking, ours for the making,

when we care to lift our gaze.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

and count the stars that come out each night;

to sparkle, to shine, to dance, to take flight.

Gaze upon the moon, a quiet sphere of light;

shimmering, glimmering, a glorious sight.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

from the everyday and ordinary,

the common place and elementary,

the safe and the sedentary,

and gaze with eyes, the eyes of a visionary.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

because no matter where you are, near or far,

big or small, short or tall, rich or poor,

we can all raise our gaze if we truly want.

(Citizen Z)

 

“Mind is a flexible mirror, adjust it, to see a better world.”

(Amit Ray)

 

 

Ignorance is bliss.....Really?

"Look at that stupid child, picking up food off the street and eating it!"

"Look at that stupid dog, licking his butt!"

"Who is stupid enough to go out in the rain without an umbrella?"

"Look at that punk...what a stupid haircut!"

Stupid? The kid eating a discarded, stale, piece of bread is not doing so because she is stupid, rather, because she is starving.

The dog doesn't lick his butt because he is stupid, rather, he is doing so because it's a common doggy behaviour.

Being caught in an unexpected downpour, can happen to anyone regardless of IQ.

Hairstyle, is that not a matter of preference rather than intelligence? Can a haircut really be "stupid"?

As far as words go, I think that the word "stupid" is often over used and misused.

When we say that someone (or something) is "stupid", what do we really mean? Do we mean unintelligent, a bad decision maker, lacking in rational thinking skills, no common sense, etc.etc. ?

How about ignorant? Is being ignorant the same as being stupid? Again, it depends on how we define the terms, you may say. Here is a suggestion: "Ignorance is not knowing, stupidity the inability to know, to comprehend. Another definition may be: ignorance is lacking information, stupidity; not being able to make sense of the information."

Being considered "smart" is commonly viewed as an asset, whereas being "stupid", is not. However, is it not possible for smart people to do "stupid" things, and for stupid people to do "smart" things?

Besides, as far as IQ (smarts) goes, nowadays most would agree that there appears to be many kinds of intelligences. (Emotional, social, spatial, kinesthetic, etc.)

Personally, I prefer not to use the word stupid, because a persons ability to be able to comprehend and make sense of information and or experiences, for me, is a matter of genetics rather than a choice.

Ignorance, on the other hand, can perhaps at times be viewed as a choice. A lack of information can easily be remedied by acquiring more information for someone who is able to grasp and make sense out of it.

When I first came to Australia, I seemed to continuously be able to amuse my newfound friends by

my use of the English language. Walking on the beach on the waters edge, I told my friends that I needed to go home and change my pants because: "I wet my pants". I was told to stop swearing when exclaiming while defrosting the fridge: "Look at all the bloody ice!" (Some meat had defrosted leaving a "bloody" mess.) In the beginning I didn't mind being a source of amusement, but quietly, I set about extending my vocabulary and increasing my understanding of the English language.

(I have often heard people say about people from non-English-speaking countries struggling to express themselves in English: "Sheesh, how stupid are they, they don't even speak English."

Stupid? According to stats, there are more people on this planet who do not use English as their native tongue than there are those who do.)

Ignorance, some say is "bliss". This is what the urban dictionary has to say: "It is a term used to falsely justify apathy on the given subject in the form of a catchy cliché."

Commonly, "Ignorance is bliss", seems to mean that sometimes we may prefer to not know all the facts/information. Facing a big medical operation, not knowing all the things that could potentially go wrong, may be preferable. Going for a walk in an Australian rain forest, not knowing about all the deadly creepy-crawlers may be preferable. (Personal experience!) However, choosing to ignore certain bits of information because one prefers to, can be risky, and can give rise to a lopsided sense of understanding. "Anybody who wants to work, can find a job if they try hard enough.  - Don't bother me with the un-employment figures, or the availability of job opportunities. This is my view and I'm sticking with it."  "He/she should just get over his/her depression, everyone feels a bit down now and then.  - "Don't bother me with telling me that depression is deemed a medical issue, and not something anyone can just snap out of. This is my view, and I am sticking with it." 

"All these refugees, they should just go back to where they came from.  - "Don't bother me by telling me about all their hardships and terrible experiences, they should just tough it out. This is my view, and I am sticking with it." 

Sometimes, ignorance is not a choice; it's just... not knowing. Sometimes the unexpected happens, we find ourselves on a road less travelled, we encounter situations and people that are foreign to us, and discover that we have no previous knowledge or understanding to lean on. Such moments offer us an opportunity for extending our foundation of knowledge, understanding and wisdom. This, in my view, is a choice. We can choose to remain ignorant or to learn.

Stupidity* cannot be cured, ignorance can.

 

(*stupidity defined as an inability to make sense of information)

 

 

"More and more people are beginning to feel that there must be another way of thinking, perceiving, and acting. And perhaps the beginning of another way of looking at the world is to re-evaluate all of our beliefs. It is, after all, our beliefs that determine what we are, experience, and expect. When we are willing to take a new look at our own beliefs, we then have an opportunity to begin rediscovering who and what we are and to redetermine our true purpose on Earth."

(Jampolsky & Cirincione)

 

Love is constant, only the objects change........

 

After 15 years of marriage, my marriage finally fell apart. It wasn't sudden, nor was it unexpected, rather, it was more like a "death by a thousand cuts".

 

"Death by a thousand cuts"

At first, those moments when words are left hanging,

each lover stuck in their own understanding.

Like birds of prey, words when spoken in anger,

have claws, beaks sharper than a dagger.

 

The little things, once ever so endearing,

slowly transform, and become irritating.

When and why the transformation begins,

a lovers mystery, yet so very damaging.

 

The cutting begins, when a lover stops sharing,

intimate thoughts, and gestures of caring,

holding back when the heart says to give,

mistrusting and doubt, when love says: believe.

 

One cut after the other, now each lover,

inflict on themselves and on the other,

the small, quiet voice of the love they once shared,

silenced by pain and hearts impaired.

 

Eventually, no words can be found,

no gestures, no common ground,

for the lovers to rise above their scars,

to forget their battles, to forget their wars.

 

Death by a thousand cuts; perhaps rather slow,

and less brutal as far as death's go;

but death none the less, of a love once shared,

never to be restored, never to be repaired.

 

Love, though a many splendored thing,

has no guarantees in its offering,

up to each lover, is the undertaking,

to nourish their love, to prevent it from fading.

(Citizen Z)

 

If you are going through, or have lost a love, I would like to offer these words of comfort:

“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.” 

(Dylan Thomas) 

My view is that though the love we shared with someone may have ended, our ability to love or to be loved, does not.

 

(This small painting is called: "One day I'll fly away". Don't ask me why, the words just showed up..... :)

Hasty judgements can prove to be costly judgements.......

 

Some say you can't judge a book by its cover, ... how about judging people by their "cover"?

When we first meet someone, our eyes dart from head to toe, and in a few seconds we often manage to evaluate their outward appearance, and by that evaluation we draw conclusions as to that person's character, status, background, likes and dislikes, financial status, etc. etc.

(We apparently all do it, regardless of culture, or gender, or at least this was the conclusion that some researchers came to after they had done some in-depth studies. To be able to ascertain the eye movements of their test subjects, a small camera (how, I am not sure) filmed the path of the darting eyes.)

People watching; probably something most of us do instinctively, intuitively, and often subconsciously. We observe, and then perhaps we theorize, sometimes even coming up with our own narratives to go along with our observations. "Wow, look at her, I bet she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth." "Sheesh, look at that guy, who does he think he is just coz he is wearing an Armani suit??" "Wow, how scruffy does that kid look, spends all his money on drugs, no doubt."

"Is that supposed to be a skirt? Looks more like a belt to me. Only certain types of girls dresses like that."

Snap judgements. In the blink of an eye, we have decided what kind of "people" they are, all without any form of verbal communication. When my son became a "Goth" during his last years of high school, I learned time and time again, that judging a book by its cover was fallacious.

Most of his friends wore black (everything), Doc Marten boots, had their hair dyed jet black, piercings all over the place, black nail polish and black lip stick (guys and girls), wore t-shirts with band names like "Slipknot", "Sepultura", "Marilyn Manson", and listened to music that even I (as a musician I try to be open to new music) found hard to come to grips with at times.

To be honest, some of them looked scary to me, and this included my son. However, I knew that my son was a caring, good hearted, sensitive, human being, so chances were, I concluded, that so were his friends. I learned to ignore my son's friends outer appearances and to focus on getting to know them from their inside out instead.

According to some research; people viewed by many as "good-looking" are often trusted more easily, "attractive" looking kids viewed as smarter by teachers, "friendly" looking people viewed as easier to interact with, and so on. (Interestingly, serial killers Ted Bundy and Richard Ramirez got away with murdering many people much to do with that they didn't "look" as if they were killers, and O.J. Simpson managed to walk free many believe, because he was a football star and well-liked.)

When we make snap judgements, we do so intuitively, and/or unconsciously most of the time; we don't "hear" ourselves thinking and/or processing our biases, unsupported assumptions, misconceptions, etc., rather, we go with our "gut". "He/she has an honest face, I'll buy my car from him/her."

By understanding how our minds selects and store information about others, how we process and evaluate that information, we can become aware of when we are making (snap) judgements based on "gut" instinct, previous experiences of the favourable kind, and/or the "left a bad taste in my mouth" kind. (Bearing in mind however, that judgements, regardless of whether they are hasty or not, are  judgements based on our own opinions and perceptions, and therefore, in my view, always subjective.)

Sometimes our "gut" instincts, or snap judgements, can end up leading us to hold a view that we may later have to revise. "But I had such a good feeling about him/her, and now......" "By the looks of him/her, I thought that he/she was........but now when ..... I realise that I was wrong."

It is possible for someone we may deem at a first glance to be...xxx....to not be...xxx...at all.

It is possible that the narratives we assign to people we don't know but just observe, to be inaccurate.

It is possible for our gut instincts and/or initial feelings, to be incorrect when further scrutinised.

It is also possible that they may be correct, accurate, and helpful.

If the common sentiment is that it is a bad idea to judge a book by its cover, then perhaps it may also be a bad idea to judge our fellow human beings by their "cover"?

 

“A person doesn't ever truly know another person. They have a whole life, years and years of memories and experiences. You cannot ever know what they have felt in situations, what has happened to them, what made them who they are. So you cannot judge a person ever, not unless you somehow manage to learn their whole life.”   (Meg)

 

“Open your mind to the world and the many different ways that can be found in it, before making hasty judgments of others. After all, the very same thing that you judge from where you are— may very well be something totally different in meaning on the other side of the world. The problem with making hasty judgments is that it will emphasize your ignorance at the end of the day.”   (C. Joybell C.)

Comparisons can be problematic.......

 

Once upon a time there were three trees.

The older, the middle, and the youngest.

 

They grew side by side,

shared the same sun, shared the same earth.

 

When the rain fell, it nurtured the trees equally,

when the wind shook their crowns, they suffered equally,

when their leaves sprouted each spring, they sprouted equally.

 

The two older trees were very proud of the younger tree;

it was young but its beauty undeniable.

They were proud of its ability to weather the storms,

though much younger than them,

and for each new branch that it grew,

the older trees rejoiced.

 

Then came a day when the older tree had to be moved,

the farmer who owned the land, knew that it had to be removed.

To grow stronger and to its full potential,

fresh soil was needed, in fact it was essential.

 

The two trees left standing, missed the older tree,

although its new position, still in the same field.

From a distance they watched the older tree growing,

each year with new branches and leaves over flowing.

 

The farmer, who knew that trees grow best in fertile soil,

decided that for the middle tree, its time, it had now come.

It too had to be removed, to be placed in fresh new ground,

and in his field, a perfect spot, he had sought and he had found.

 

The youngest tree, from a distance did see,

how the middle and the oldest tree,

both flourished and grew, individually.

 

Now on its own, the youngest tree began to ponder,

would it too be removed, uprooted, it wondered.

Seasons passed, but the farmer did not come,

 alas no more uprooting, no removing would be done.

 

"Why not me, why am I left here all on my own,

do I not also, deserve fresh new soil?"

This was a thought that plagued the youngest tree

many a morn and many an eve.

 

Then one summers day, the farmer appeared.

"What now?" thought the youngest tree.

He slowly sat down at the foot of the tree,

then began to speak very kindly.

 

"You may wonder why, my youngest tree,

why I haven't moved you further afield,

 so I have come to explain this decision of mine,

so please listen, though it may take some time.

 

I did not move the oldest or the middle tree because

they were more deserving than you,

I did not give them fresh new soil because

they were more deserving than you,

I simply moved them because trees need space

and fertile soil, in order to grow unhindered.

By removing them, have you not been able to stretch out your roots,

grow more branches, and each year be dressed with more and more leaves just like the oldest and the middle tree?

Do not compare yourself with the oldest and middle tree, be you.

When you see them standing tall and majestic, do not feel less than them, rather, rejoice in the beauty they have to offer, alongside with your own beauty.

I provide the soil, but the growing, is up to each individual tree."

 

After the farmer finished speaking, he stood up,

then slowly walked away across the field.