"At work, he tries to mix with his co-workers, but he feels awkward. Somehow he doesn't seem to speak the same language. They laugh at things he doesn't find funny, they speak about things he doesn't find interesting, and when he tries to interact, he fumbles with his words and often lose their attention before he has finished expressing himself."
"She makes sure that she always dresses according to the current fashion, that she wears the "right" labels, that everything about her appearance tells others how confident and self-assured she is.
Still, she feels awkward around others and far from self confident."
When I was a kid, being accepted into the "cool group" at school was very important and as far as I can ascertain, it still is today. But what made the cool group cool? And is it really limited to schools, or does the concept apply to many social settings?
A group of researches decided to conduct a scientific study on what being "cool" meant.
508 people of varying ages were asked to use adjectives that they connected with the word "cool" and the most commonly used terms were "confident" and "popular". Other words also used were words such as "calm" and "aloof", but they discovered that although "coolness" may be easily recognised, it was harder to define.
If we just "know" when a person is cool, does that work the other way too? We just "know" when someone is not cool?
According to Maslow's hierarchy of human needs; belonging is one of the big ones, we all want and need to belong to or with something/someone regardless of whether we are "cool" or not.
How we interact with others plays a big part in the equation of belonging, and how we interact often has a lot to do with how we view ourselves.
If we view ourselves as inferior, others will sense it, if we view ourselves as socially awkward, others will sense that too.
What are some signs of social awkwardness?
Some suggestions: We feel nervous, anxious, uncomfortable, ill at ease in a number of different social settings. We feel uncertain about how to behave "correctly", we feel unsure of what topics of conversation are acceptable. We remain silent in case we say the "wrong" thing.
Basically, when we experience social awkwardness, there is an underlying concern of being negatively judged and or evaluated by others.
However, having read up on social anxiety/awkwardness and the different definitions of the terms, I would like to change tack because there seems to me to be a glaring discrepancy in most of the definitions: it does not include the possibility that perhaps most of us experience some form or another of apprehension when dealing with different social settings.
Perhaps not all of us want lots and lots of friends, not all of us want to be social butterflies, not all of us want to be members of "this, that, or the other group" activity, some of us perhaps prefer a few close friends, a few outings now and then, and the occasional visit to a ball game, museum, gallery et cetera with a few equally minded people.
(Perhaps it may be a question of the quality of the connections we make with others rather than the quantity?)
If we feel anxious in some social settings but would like to feel more at ease, it may be helpful to ask ourselves how, and what we can change about ourselves to better and more confidently, deal with such settings. A good starting point may be to improve our communication skills.
A few suggestions: focus your attention on what is going on outside of you rather than on your own thinking > when someone speaks with you, establish eye contact,
> ask questions relating to what is being said, that way people will know that you are connecting with the conversation,
> be clear in your language, but also respectful,
> be aware and mindful of others emotions/feelings.
Become a good listener; when people feel listened to, they often feel empowered and validated.
Perhaps it may also be helpful for you to define for yourself how you consider a socially competent person to behave? (According to the research on "coolness"; people are deemed "cool" because others find them enjoyable to be with.)
Once you have established what in your view constitutes "social aptness", it may be helpful to investigate what you can do to acquire those qualities.
On the other hand, you may be "cool" with: having a few, but awesome friends, to hang out in galleries on your own, to sit with a book and read in a coffee shop, to not have 85.000 friends on Facebook, to listen rather than speak, to have a mint tea rather than a brew, to meet your friends on line rather than in a RL, acknowledging your awkwardness in certain situations without a loss of self-esteem, .......you may even be "cool" about not being cool.....
“I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stunned by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.” (Augusten Burroughs)
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