Silence is not the absence of something but the presence of everything........

Silence. The absence of sound.

Can we handle it? Are we able to just be quiet in a space without any distracting noises/sounds?

Is silence just the absence of any sounds/noises or is there something more to it?

Is there something more profound about silence, can silence potentially be a "healer", can it aid a troubled mind with finding peace, can it assist us in hearing our own "inner" voices?

Strangely enough, there is not much research on the benefits of silence compared with the understanding we have of how "bad" noise is for us.

Is silence a matter of circumstances or more of an experience? Is there a differentiation to be made between silence as a set of conditions and the "experience" of silence? When I was studying music I found that at times I longed for silence, but I lived in a major city and was surrounded by noise so in order to find stillness I had to leave. I headed for the mountains, rented a small hut without electricity and no running water. The hut was nestled into nature; surrounded by tall evergreen fir trees with the path to the hut barely visible. After I had settled in, I walked out onto the small front porch. The sun was setting, and there was a gentle breeze. It was so quiet that it felt almost oppressive. But for the first time in a long time I could hear my heart beating, I could hear my own breathing,...and I could hear my soul softly speaking.

Stillness. At first overwhelming but slowly it became the most wonderful of companions, always present but never intrusive.

Sara Maitland writes in her book "A Book of Silence": that silence “has no narrative and intensifies sensation, it blurs the sense of time,  and the minimising of possessions in itself reduces a kind of metaphorical noise in our lives". Maitland connects silence to our pre-linguistic and pre-logical self's. Before the event of all our gadgets, what sounds would our ancestors have heard when they went to bed at night?

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and right doing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.” (Rumi)

 

"Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven't the answer to a question you've been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you're alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.” (Norton Juster)

For many of us with busy minds and busy lives, in order to find stillness we have to make a concerted effort. Many things have to be turned off, or ignored, or perhaps one has to remove oneself to another location. Seeking stillness and silence, we give ourselves the chance to reconnect with our "still-lingering-everso-deep" primal selves. When nigh time fell hundreds of years ago, the natural progression was silence; no planes, no trains, no busses, no cars, no phones, no faxes,  no "i-thingy's" to attend to...night time was quiet time, a chance to "hear" yourself.

Some people chose to live quiet lives, to live in an environment conducive to a more contemplative lifestyle. Some of us enjoy the many sounds capes that surrounds modern life, and some of us take time out every now and then to head to the mountains, the woods, the oceans, to get in touch and or reconnect with our inner selves through stillness.

If research shows us that too much noise can be distracting and have a negative effect on our health, then perhaps moments of quiet and stillness can have the opposite effect?

Have you ever tried to just be still and ignore the constant "commentator" in your mind?

At times it can be quite challenging, the commentator runs a never ending commentary on most aspects of our lives, our behaviours, our emotions, and so on and loves to get a word in edgewise when there is a moments quietness. To be still, and to put the mind in "neutral" can take time to learn but the reward of doing so can be highly fulfilling.

The first step may I suggest, is to find a place/space as free from distractions as possible, a place/space where you can relax and just "slip" into the environment, become a part of it.

Feel your breathing, listen to the sounds around you without attachment, relax your body.

Slow down, where ever you are, be there.......

"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." (Deepak Chopra)

 

"It is in the stillness the greatest thoughts are born."

 

"Silence is not the absence of something but the presence of everything." (John Grossmann)

To hope or not to hope...that is the question

This painting is titled "Hope".

What does "hope" sound, look, or feel like?

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without words - and never stops at all", so wrote Emily Dickinson.

Some say it is a cognitive motivational system, a forward motion towards positive outcomes. (As we interpret "positive" to be)

Others consider hope a naïve and "Pollyanna-ish" approach, lacking of a true appreciation of the "reality of things".

It is now obvious to me how complex this issue is. Perhaps "hope" belongs in the realm of qualia?

Often this term is referred to as the phenomenal properties of experience;

"Qualia are the subjective or qualitative properties of experiences". What it feels like, our subjective conscious experiences of pain, joy, wonderment, the smell of a flower et cetera.

Before we attach a word to an experience; ....let's say someone takes you to a concert to hear some music you are totally unfamiliar with. You have no idea who Sibelius is and the word "Triste" is not a familiar term to you. When the music starts pure experience flows through you and before you know it, suddenly a sense/experience/feeling of sadness engulfs you. Qualia?

When we are hoping for something what do we mean?

A few suggestions: Hope is the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or in the world at large, the feeling that what is wanted/desired can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Or as Richard Rorty puts it: "Hope assumes a metanarrative, a story that serves as a promise or reason for expecting a better future."

We buy lottery tickets in the hope of winning regardless of the odds, we support our favourite sports teams in the hope of them winning, we raise our children to the best of our abilities in the hope of them achieving happiness, we work hard in the hope of good outcomes, and so on.

Is there a difference between expecting and hoping?

We buy a lottery ticket in the hope of winning, we usually don't expect to win.

Perhaps hope is something we individually create from within and depends on our own thoughts, dreams, goals, and or our desired outcomes?

Expectations on the other hand often involve others and while they are also internally created, expectations are often infused with judgement and critically based on comparing others actions with our own. (Usually to the detriment of the other)

What about wishing? To use the lottery ticket again; no amount of wishing to win the lottery is possible if you don't buy a ticket. When we hope for something, we believe there is a possibility for the desired outcome to come true. (You bought a lottery ticket) When we wish for something, "I wish I would win the lottery, but I haven't bought a ticket yet" it often hovers in the realm of fantasy.(=the improbable, impossible, imaginary)

Why is hope important?

In 1991 positive psychologist Charles R Snyder and his colleagues came up with something called "Hope Theory". According to their theory hope consists of agency and pathways. A person who has hope has the will and determination along with different strategies to achieve their goals.

When we have hope we are likely to approach problems and difficulties with a "can-do" attitude, and with strategies at hand to accomplish our goals.

According to psychologist Shane J Lopez and his colleagues who conducted three meta-analyses(contrasting and combining results from different studies), hope leads to better performances in most areas and an increased sense of happiness overall.

Lopez also suggests that there are four core belief's that hopeful people share:

"the future will be better than the present, I have the power to make it so, there are many paths to my goals, and none of them are free from obstacles".

Hope is not only the belief that there is a better future but also includes the action to make it so.

Viktor Frankl, in his powerful book "Man's Search for Meaning" writes: “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.” (And he would know something about that, he survived 4 years in a concentration camp) He also writes: “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

When my son was going through a very turbulent time as a teenager, I hung on to hope. Hope that we would weather the turbulence and "land safely". Meanwhile I read books and books on how to understand the teenage mind, how to communicate effectively, and how to stay sane myself through it all. On one occasion when I came home from work I found all the doors wide open, wet towels thrown on the floor, the TV blaring, but devoid of people. I waited until nightfall then decided I had to do something, so I called a friend and asked him to come with me to search for my son. I had no idea where my son where, but I hoped that my intuition would led me to find him. It did. As on cue, we drove straight to the petrol station where he was, drunk as a skunk, but unharmed. My hope of bringing him home safely was fulfilled.

The Dalai Lama says: "Choose to be optimistic, it feels better", perhaps one can also say "Choose to be hopeful, it feels better".

What about "false hope"?

If by false hope we are meaning a "hope that has no knowable chance of coming to fruition", then my question is, is the term perhaps not an oxymoron and wishful thinking would maybe be a more apt term? If the outcome we hoped for does not come to fruition this time, perhaps it will next time? I am pretty sure that those who sell lottery tickets count on us following that line of thinking....:)

Choose to be hopeful, it feels better.

 

 

Denial - our first line of defense?

At times there are events and experiences that occur in a life that are so traumatic that we may initially respond by telling, or convincing, ourselves they are not happening.

Denial may become our first line of defense in order to 'buy" ourselves some time to be able to process that difficult experience/event. In order to be able to avoid a distressing "truth" many of us often use denial as a psychological defense mechanism.

"My pants shrunk, I am the same", I've only had a few drinks, I'm not drunk", "avoiding the issue? nah, I just don't want to talk about it," "old? you're only as old as you feel", et cetera....

Sometimes there are "truths" that are so painful and difficult to deal with that we may find ourselves engaging in risky and harmful behaviours just to keep those "truths" at bay and out of the consciousness. Recognising the harmful effects of denial can be a challenge for some of us and perhaps we only begin to acknowledge them if/when we continuously find ourselves in one bad  situation after the other. Wise folks say: "awareness is the beginning of insight".

I was watching a documentary on people who sought help with losing weight recently and they sought help because they couldn't understand why they kept putting on weight. In their opinion they were doing everything right and it wasn't until it was proved to them that the actual amount of food they ate and what they thought they ate was very in congruent, that they realised that they were in denial.

If there are recurring negative outcomes, chances are that we are involved with some form of denial.

We may even play a part in creating situations with negative/harmful outcomes in order to be able to fool ourselves into thinking that we are in control or without blame.

What does denial look like?

If we are in denial we may dismiss facts, minimise the size of the problem, perhaps even fail to see the problem as a problem in the first place.

Human beings age......but not all of us deal with it the same way. Some have cosmetic surgery, botox injections, lippo suction, buy fabulous new cars, boats, find new friends, lovers, partners. Whatever we may chose to do, the fact remains......human beings age outwardly and inwardly.

I used to love sailing, and through necessity I quickly learned that the best way to deal with heavy winds was to face the boat in the direction of the "eye of the storm". Facing it dead on offered the best and safest outcome. (Although not doing so creates a lot of drama and excitement, it is also very hazardous and may lead to being shipwrecked)

Denial, some say is an unconscious process i.e.; we don't usually decide to be in denial, but some research suggests that perhaps on some level, we may consciously choose denial as a coping strategy.

When dealing with an unexpected traumatic event, we may use denial as way of having some time to process the information, but when we have come to grips with the event, digested it so to speak, a more rational and conducive method will probably better assist us to deal with the event.

Dr. Phil says: "You can't change what you don't acknowledge"..(He has his moments)

Denial can be tempting because it allows us to keep doing what we do without changing inspite of evidence of it being ineffective in affecting more positive outcomes,... after all it is the "road most travelled". Often we cling to denial because of fear; fear of what will happen if we look at that scary "thing" openly and honestly. Sometimes we may chose (consciously or unconsciously) denial because "what can I do, I'm just one person and this is a global problem"?

According to Dr Sanity we engage in denial because by doing so we temporarily protect ourselves from:

"Knowledge (things we don’t want to know)
-Insight or awareness that threatens our self-esteem; or our mental or physical health; or our security (things we don't want to think about)
-Unacceptable feelings (things we don’t want to feel)"

However, to do this involves differing levels of self-delusion and may close our minds to a wider perspective. Events are simply reinterpreted so they fit in with our belief systems regardless of the belief systems of others.

In conversation with a friend the other day we discussed how often we forget to ask ourselves why we do what we do, why we believe what we believe, and why we think the way we do.

Asking ourselves "why" we have the chance of ascertaining whether what we hold to be true is really our own opinion or an adopted one.

Chances are that if you love your children, so do parents in China, Russia, Afghanistan, Tibet, Arnhem land, Sweden, Pakistan, India etc.etc.

If you long for peace, so do many others, if you hurt when someone insults you, so do many others, if you want to be able to express your opinion, so do others, if you value freedom of expression, so do others.....and so on.

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jdonaldwa183437.html#0HzRpmtQ8jm28cZv.99

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jdonaldwa183437.html#0HzRpmtQ8jm28cZv.99

"You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously...You will find peace not in denial but in victory."

(J Donald Waters)

Denial is a common tactic that substitutes deliberate ignorance for thoughtful planning
Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/d/denial_quotes.html#ozipyzGwrEBst3w4.99

"Denial is a common tactic that substitutes deliberate ignorance for thoughtful planning."

(Charles Tremper)

In daylight, we do not need a light house to guide our way through treacherous waters, but at night, a beam of light may save us from becoming shipwrecked.

(Interpretation: The more light/insight/aware we are of the workings of our inner selves, the more likely we are to see what lurks under the surface and all around, but if we are travelling in the dark, a beam of insight/light/awareness, can help us find our way through it.)

 

Denial is a common tactic that substitutes deliberate ignorance for thoughtful planning
Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/d/denial_quotes.html#ozipyzGwrEBst3w4.99

Denial does not solve the problem. Denial does not make the problem go away. Denial does not give us peace of mind, which is what we are really seeking when we engage in it. Denial is a liar. It compounds the problem, because it keeps us from seeing a solution, and taking action to resolve it
Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/d/denial_quotes.html#ozipyzGwrEBst3w4.99

 

Walk away from the troubles in your life....

Craig David sings in one of his tunes: "I'm walking away, from the troubles in my life, I'm walking away to find a better day."

Why is it so hard at times to walk away from situations, relationships, jobs, et cetera that are no good for us? Here I speak from personal experience; I have at times stayed in a number of very toxic and destructive situations and relationships although they were slowly destroying me. Why did I do it?

Why did I stay in a job that was mind numbing, why did I allow my partner to disrespect me more often than was healthy for my self esteem, why did I find myself saying yes to things I really wanted to say no to, and so on?

My conclusion is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not being able to pay the bills, fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of not being able to cope. Phew!

Do we perhaps find it hard to walk away because "better the devil you know"?

Living is risky business and although we probably acknowledge that fact, some of us may chose to stick with what we know rather than the unknown, the risky, the uncertain.

There is an old parable; to cook a frog you turn up the heat incrementally that way the frog will not notice that it's slowly being cooked to death, however, sometimes adaptation may not be the best solution.

If a situation/relationship/job is doing us more harm than good, then it may be time to ask ourselves if perhaps we need to walk away. (Having tried all we can think of to sort it out)

When my son was a teenager and started to go out a lot, my staple advice was; if you feel uncomfortable, then leave. Our agreement was that if he felt the need to leave, I would pick him up regardless of when or where which we stuck to all through those tricky years. My aim was to foster the thought that staying in a situation that felt harmful or destructive in anyway, was a choice...just as much as leaving.

When is it time to walk away, of letting go?

A few suggestions:

When staying in the situation/relationship is undermining your self-worth, your sense of integrity and your personal values. When fear of change is the reason that keep you holding on. When you have tried everything you can think of to improve the situation/relationship without any success.

When you tell yourself that everything is okay, but not even you believe that anymore.

Some say that we hang on to toxic relationships and situations because we are afraid that we will not be able to cope with the changes walking away may incur. (Maybe it can be helpful to define for yourself what "not coping" looks like.)

Perhaps we have a never-ending loop of "what if's" running in our mind?

What if I can't find another job, another friend, another person to love and so on, how will I cope?

On the other hand, what if you find a better, more satisfying job, what if you find a new friend with whom you can establish an even greater friendship, what if you meet someone who invokes in you feelings of love you have never before experienced? These things are only possible if we let go and try something different, something new.

"What if's" works both ways, in anticipation of the negative and the positive, it is up to us to choose how we will view the possible outcomes.

The more open we are to the challenge of questioning our thoughts, beliefs and feelings, the more able we will be to cope well with life and its many twists and turns. If we are afraid we will not cope, then perhaps it can be constructive and helpful to ask ourselves why we think we may not cope, bearing in mind the times when we have coped. Learning positive and constructive ways to cope increases our sense of being able to deal with difficulties and challenges in our lives.

Walking away is a hard thing to do and requires much courage and consideration.

If what you are doing is making you sick, unhappy, frustrated, sad, and unfulfilled in spite of having tried everything you can think of to improve it,....then perhaps it is time for you to walk away.

 

"We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own." (Robert Tew)