Anybody is better than nobody?

The other day I was asked by my son: "Why do people fear being alone so much that rather than leaving, they stay in relationships that no longer offer anything but arguments and heartache?"

A good question.

Is being on our own so bad that we rather stay in a dysfunctional relationship than go it alone?

Thing is, a lot of the time even if it is a dysfunctional relationship, it's our dysfunctional relationship and we may have all sorts of valid(in our opinion) reasons for not leaving.

"I can't leave because I made a commitment, I can't afford it, I have never lived on my own, we don't do such in my family, if we split up it will hurt the kids", and so on.

At times the change may seem more painful than staying...."better the devil you know.."

I used all the above reasons to explain to myself and others why I stayed in a marriage that almost killed me.

Every time I thought deeply of "hitting the road", fear of loneliness and the unknown would grab me by the throat and send me scurrying back to a loveless, passionless and dysfunctional marriage.

I have never felt so alone as I did when I was married.

(Which now, 15 years later, seems like an oxymoron, since I have never felt that alone again since leaving and fending for myself.)

Some suggest that we stay because we fear loneliness, and we fear loneliness because we don't know who our true selves are.

Until we can learn to enjoy our own company, we may find ourselves becoming involved in relationships just to avoid feeling lonely, and such relationships research suggest, are built on fear and not mutual affection.

My son suggested that we are encouraged by society and culture to be "with" someone and to not go it alone; at a certain age one is expected to be in a relationship and choosing not to do so is often regarded as peculiar, strange.....i.e.; "what's wrong with him/her"?

Perhaps we worry what others may think of us.

"If I prefer to stay single, will others view me as a loner? If I don't date, will I be considered to be anti-social or just plain weird?"

There seem to be a flurry of advice on how to start relationships, how to date, how to get on to sites on the net to get hooked up on, and so on, which may reinforce the notion that to be in a relationship is the "right thing" to do. Which for many of us may be the case, but with the divorce rate being so high perhaps we may benefit from asking ourselves before we get involved if we are doing so because we don't want to be alone or because we have found a genuine connection with someone.

There can be many different reasons for "hitting the road": sometimes people just grow apart, sometimes one person wants change the other does not, sometimes there are financial reasons, health reasons, perhaps even reasons hard to pinpoint.......

"Prevention is better than cure," wrote Desiderius Erasmus.

Before we become too involved in a relationship perhaps it would serve us to ask ourselves a few questions?

Is good enough, really good enough? Do I have a desire to change him/her? He/she says he loves me...I don't want to hurt him so I'll just go along, do we have common interests, do we have compatible belief systems, and so on and so on.

In the midst of a whirlwind romance it can be tempting to toss all precaution to the wind and just go with, "I don't care about that stuff, I just love him/her" only to discover six months later that you basically don't have much in common and your friends don't either.

Or

you just want somebody, anybody, in your life so you don't have to feel so lonely.

To find someone to connect with on a deeper level is awesome, to love and be loved in return; a gift, to shoulder the responsibility of being a human being together with someone with whom you have a deep connection and a profound love; one of life's purposes.

 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (From the Bible, the 1st  Corinthian Letter chapter 13 verse 4-7)

 

If you have exhausted all your options, tried everything you can think of to make a relationship work but it is still broken, perhaps it is time to hit the road....as long as you are certain beyond any doubt that you also leave behind you bitterness, anger, and or regrets.

When is it time to leave, to hit the road? (In my opinion)

When you feel lonelier in the relationship than being on your own.

 

Apathy costs. Passion rewards.

 

Edward Munch painted his famous painting "The Scream" in 1883, and for many of us the painting

 may be about screaming, but according to some others, the screaming originates not from the person in the painting, but from nature, from the nearby asylum where Munch's sister was hospitalised, and/or the nearby slaughterhouse.

Often when we get frustrated, angry, disappointed, and so on...we feel like yelling, screaming, or at least raise our voices. Some call it being animated, passionate, yet others view it as lack of emotional control.

As long as there is some kind of expression, there is involvement, but what happens when a person no longer has the energy or motivation to care?

We become disengaged, or if you prefer, we become apathetic. Apathy according to Wikipedia; "is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion.  An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life."

In an episode of the Simpson's, Homer is asked why he doesn't do something about it (it=something the rest of the family is concerned about) Homer answers: "`Cos I just don't care."

I asked a guy why he gets blind drunk every weekend and he answered: "Why not?"

I asked a friend why she doesn't vote, and she said: "Why vote, no point to it, they will do what they please anyway."

I asked one of my son's friends why he lives in such a mess and chaos (his words), and he answered: "Why bother cleaning it, it will just get messy again."

In 1950, US novelist John Dos Passos writes:  "Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with."

According to him the solution is comprehension.

Dave Meslin argues that apathy is often the result of social systems actively obstructing engagement and involvement. He suggests that we redefine social apathy as the result of  poorly designed systems that fail to invite others to participate.

In psychology, it is suggested that apathy is a common way to deal with disappointments, dejection, and a coping method to move forward in times of disappointments.

Once we are over the disappointments, we become engaged again.

Are you excited to be alive?

Is your life an adventure, a journey, a fabulous ride, a mystery, one amazing event after the other, a treasure trove?

Is your life predictable, pre-destined, sorted since you left high school, following in your parents footsteps, safety first, as good as it gets?

Are you doing the things you always wanted to do? Is waking up in the morning a new opportunity to do something you love doing, or is it the "same 'ol same 'ol?

Let's cut to the quick.......are you engaged or disengaged in your life?

It can be easy to become overwhelmed by all the information we receive daily through different media sources. Wars, crime, corruption, global warming, un-employment, financial crisis, poverty, starvation, and so on.... and perhaps the barrage of "bad news" can make even the hardened optimist convert to pessimism.

Is it really possible to live on this planet without becoming apathetic to a certain extent, one may ask.

"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume", writes Noam Chomsky.

Perhaps we need to "rage against the machine", against indifference, against "sleep-walking", against governing bodies and media constantly tricking us into believing that we are helpless and powerless.

Perhaps we start in our own lives by ascertaining whether we are "living" our lives, cruising, or merely showing up.

"The tragedy of modern man is not that he knows less and less about the meaning of his own life but that it bothers him less and less." (Vaclav Havel)

If you are sensing some apathy within you, here are a few suggestions:

If you are feeling apathetic, can you think of any reason(s) why? (Identify the source)

Can you do anything to change the reasons why?

Do something differently, something new, something you enjoy.

Challenge your habits.

Cultivate interests and hobbies, if you don't have any, find some....

 

Apathy costs.

Passion rewards.

 



Imagination is the ultimate holiday destination

 

Albert Einstein says about imagination: “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

I have often wondered if there is a "right" amount of imagination we are supposed to use: he/she has too little imagination, he/she has too much imagination, wild imaginings, lack lustre imagination, etc. etc. are commonly used terms. If there is a right amount of imagination we are supposed to use, if so, then how is such determined and by whom?

Is imagination "good" when applied to certain areas and not so good in others?

Ex: Your partner/friend/child/etc. is late. You try to reach them on the phone but no one picks up.

Two hours pass and still no word. By this time some of us may be panicked, ready to call hospitals, check traffic reports etc. Yet some of us will not, we may simply conclude that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the delay and go about our business.

Another scenario: there is a problem that refuses to go away, you have tried everything you can think of to resolve it, but nothing has worked. Finally you decide to talk to someone else about it and that someone else listens and then says, "-Hmm, but what if you look at it from this angle instead, is it not possible that............?" Suddenly it dawns on you that looking at the problem from this previously not considered angle, opens up the possibility for other solutions.

Imagination can conger up monsters, mountains out of molehills, disasters, deadly diseases, betrayals, accidents, ...the list goes on....especially for those of us with a vivid imagination, but imagination can also discover new methods, new medicines, new therapies, new art works, new technologies, and so on.

Ken Robinson, Ph.D., and author of "The Element" has this to say: "imagination is the act of bringing things into conscious that aren’t here".

Is imagination like a muscle; use it or lose it, or do we use our imagination without even knowing we are doing so every time we think?

In dreams, the imaginative input is obvious, but what about other areas,... such as assumptions?

"Why is he late? "Oh, he is probably just got caught up in traffic."

When we assume, we imagine possibilities, we fill in the blanks.

What about when we analyse something? We use our imagination to figure out the next logical step.

In most things we do, we use our imagination to fill in the spaces where we lack data.

Our knowledge creates the framework for our thoughts, and imagination does the rest.

Just for fun, let's play a game.

Let your imagination run wild when you read the following words, make a story to go with the words: moonlit beach in the Bahamas, rain forest, open road, snow, beach hut, big city at night, wild horses, autumn in Paris.....

That was a warm up, now see if you can connect three un-related words into a cohesive image:

ex: chair - pie - lamp = the pie is on the chair lit up by a lamp

funnel - rope - salt shaker = ?

matchbox - brush - water bottle = ?

sofa - beach - photo frame = ?

We do this everyday, we use our imagination to make sense out of the world we live in.

It may be that some of us have more imagination than others, and for us it may be important to realise that at times we may need to exercise some control over it.

Being late does not necessarily indicate a disaster, not hearing back from the doctor may not necessarily mean that the results are bad, someone not returning the call immediately may not necessarily mean a rejection, having a bad head ache does not necessarily mean there is a tumour, failing once does not necessarily mean always failing, and so on.

Just like we can use our imagination to scare ourselves, we can use our imagination to have hope, we can imagine the worst or best outcomes, being rejected or accepted; it seems once terms(words) are applied to what we perceive something to be, they have a tendency to create rather than assist our understanding of something.

"She hasn't called back yet, she must be angry with me." The minute the word "angry" is used, many other options tend to be ignored and our imagination get to work with the "ifs and whys" in favour over other potential possibilities.

"Can I please see you in my office?" may start an avalanche of imaginings of mistakes made if the word "mistake" enters the mind when asked the question.

 

Isn't it amazing that with imagination, although we can use it to conger up all sorts of awful, we can also use it to conger up all sorts of wonderful. That is a freedom we all have, whether we choose to use it or not.

"You have to imagine it possible before you can see something. You can have the evidence right in front of you, but if you can't imagine something that has never existed before, it's impossible."

(Rita Dove)

"I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free." (Michelangelo)

"I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them." (Pablo Picasso)

"Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change."

(Stephen Covey)
  



I just want to belong.........

 

Most of us would like to be well liked, appreciated and included.

Belonging, some say, is one of our most basic needs.

Question is; why does it seem so easy for some to make friends and become included when for some of us it is so hard?

Dale Carnegie pondered this and wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People", a book which has become one of the best-selling self-help books ever published. It has sold over 15  million copies world wide. A few samples:  “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” 

“Talk to someone about themselves and they'll listen for hours.”

“......arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Perhaps this is a good time to consider the terms "extrovert" and "introvert".

An extroverted person's source of energy comes from the interaction with others, and an introverted person's source of energy comes from within him/herself. In basic terms; introverts need solitude in order to recharge, while extroverts draw energy from socialising, although most of us probably would consider ourselves "ambiverts"....a bit of both depending on the situation and conditions.

(Quick check to ascertain for yourself where you fit: does being on your own mostly energise or "flatten" you? How do you "recharge"?)

Of course, most of us are a bit of both, but in general we tend to be more of one or the other.

Do you find it easy to strike up a conversation with someone new to you, do you enjoy small talk, do you feel a "buzz" doing group activities, for instance? Chances are you belong with the extroverts. An extrovert's view is mostly outward and so being around and with people feels more comfortable than solitude. If you find it quite exhausting being around people, challenging to start a conversation with a stranger, and disliking chit-chatting....then you probably belong to the introverted.

Why does this matter?

If you are mostly an introvert, then doing what comes "naturally" to an extrovert, may present itself more of a challenge and as less natural to you; it may require a change of behaviour pattern.

Perhaps it can be helpful if we ask ourselves what kind of friendships we seek, what kind of groups we want to belong to, and what social activities we want to be involved with.

(Is how many friends we have more important than what kind of friends?

Is it more important to us to be involved in many group activities rather than a few select ones?

Is it more important to fit in as many social activities as possible rather than only those that we feel very passionate about?)

Labels apart; if we desire more friendships, more socialising, more social activities....we may have to consider how we interact with others and if there is perhaps room for change.

Outgoing people (often called extroverts) often strike up conversations in all sorts of situations; in waiting rooms, airport terminals, elevators, queues of any kind, any communal space, and so on.

Less outgoing people may find that difficult, perhaps even intrusive, and not an option.

If this is you, then perhaps joining a club, a hobby group, an organisation, may be considered a better option. The common denominator for establishing any friendship is a shared interest, whether we find it joining a group or striking up a conversation with a stranger in a doctors waiting room.

If you are seeking more involvement in social activities discern for yourself which ones matter most. If you are involved in so many social activities you find you are running out of time, then perhaps stick only with those that matter the most.

If we desire more "lone time", time to reflect, and less "doings", we may have to consider how we can do so without perhaps feeling we are letting others or ourselves down.

If we desire to establish new friendships, we may have to consider spending less "lone time" and more time on connecting with others.

Most of us desire to belong somewhere, with somebody, to something, which may require from us to define what somewhere, somebody, something, ..... actually is.

(It is easier to score a goal if the goalposts are not moving....:)

What kind of friend are you looking for? What kind of group do you want to belong to?

What kind of social activity would you like to take part in?

Or, if there is too much on your calendar; who are your most important friends, what group can you do without, which social activity matters the most to you?

As friendships are concerned some smart person said this: "the best way to find a friend is to be one".

So what is a good friend?

 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ." (C. S Lewis) 

 

 “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” (Henri J.M. Noewen)

 

All things worthwhile require effort.

All things alive require nourishment.

All things familiar was once unfamiliar.

 



Different is GOOD!

 



The lights faded. The audience hushed. A solitary spotlight

singled out the face of this tiny, young human.

Her eyes sparkled like diamonds and her blond, fine hair, radiated

a faint glow in the light.

She looked like an angel with wings hidden; but when she began to sing

she was more than an angel, she was all that befalls a human being; hope, joy, wonderment, sadness, pain, isolation and connection.

And all this at thirteen years of age.

 

Amidst an array of adjectives we can attach to what we are, who we are, it seems the term "exceptional" does not roll of the tongue quite as easily as "ordinary", normal, average, illusional, delusional, awkward, strange, et cetera. Yet, there are exceptional people who do extraordinary things, who practise divergent thinking and through their creativity and courage, our views are changed.

Problem is, most societies are not very welcoming of people who are "too" different. (There is a right amount of different???)

Seeing the young girl triggered childhood memories in me, and not the good kind. I was reminded of my early years at school when I was exceptional, well, exceptional in the sense that I was constantly told by others that there was something exceptionally wrong with me.

I was one of those awkward kids, nothing about me was really "normal" it seemed. I was too skinny, too small for my age, too shy, too awkward and had a very strange taste in music.

I liked jazz....and classical music...I could step into a symphony or the haunting sounds of Miles Davis and get lost in there and for most of my childhood, music, and art, became my friends.

How is it that we praise and support the rights of the individual yet at the same time are so quick to

ostracise and exclude those individuals who are "different"?

Not every one who paints is a Van Gogh in the making, not everyone who writes music a Beethoven, not everyone who writes a play a budding Shakespeare, not everyone who has an exceptionally active imagination a Da Vinci, but why not err on the encouraging side and at least nurture those who show promise in one area or another, whatever that area may be?

Perhaps you are lousy with numbers but exceptional with words?

Perhaps you are lousy with a brush but exceptional with a spanner?

Perhaps you are lousy with "grown-ups" but exceptional with children?

Perhaps you consider yourself average in most things and have no desire for being exceptional at anything?

If this is your answer, then my question is: is there anything in life you feel passionate about?

Some of us are lucky and know very early in our lives what we are passionate about, and for many, our passion also tend to include an innate talent to go along with it.

Unfortunately, unless those that share our nurturing environment support us, it can be hard to sustain our dedication to follow our passions. If you once had a passion for music, cooking, car mechanics, writing, travelling, ....insert here whatever your passion was.......but you gave up on it, my question is: Why?

Are any of the reasons for giving up your passion(s) still in place?

 If they are, look for possibilities of compromise, if not, then resuscitate your passion.

What if I don't know what my passion is?

Become curious. Be a kid, ask questions. Embrace every notion of interest, try not to censor anything as being weird, stupid, or silly. When you find something, give it your focused attention and work it.

Find others who share your passion and communicate.

The good thing with pursuing what is "alive" in us is that we don't have to be exceptional at it because when we are involved with doing that which makes us feel alive........well, we feel alive whether we are exceptional, ordinary, or bumbling klutzes.

My hope is that as we progress in the areas of science, technology, medicine, et.cetera, we will also progress to become more accepting of those among us who are different, divergent, introverted, shy, weird, "special", "walking to a different drum", exceptional, extraordinary, mysterious, enigmatic and so on. Who knows, that shy introverted kid in the un-fashionable clothes may be the next Einstein, Van Gogh, or Bill Gates.

 

"When we focus on leading a passionate, meaningful life, we are also inadvertently creating a spectacular ripple effect of inspiration in the lives around us.  When one person follows a dream, tries something new, or takes a daring leap, everyone nearby feels their passionate energy; and before too long, they are making their own daring leaps while simultaneously inspiring others."

(Mark and Angel Hack Life)



Want to feel better about yourself? Do something for someone else.

 

Can we, mankind, afford to be complacent?
What happens when we become complacent? Bad stuff happens.

" All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing", said Edmund Burke.

Complacency, indifference, and apathy, have one thing in common; a lack of concern.

Has collectivism become a victim of our rampant individualism?

Are we no longer willing to subjugate our individualism for a "higher cause"?

Someone posed: "How much do you care about the suffering of others when you are having a serious toothache?"

Perhaps one may ask: How much do you care about the suffering of others when you don't have a toothache?

Indifference, apathy, and complacency, may I suggest, do not advertise their arrival as they possess our hearts and minds, we only discover they "own" us when we no longer care about things, and or people, that necessitates a whole hearted involvement and commitment.

"He's always got some problem or another, I just haven't got any more time for it."

"She's always broke, so I just don't invite her out anymore... I mean, why should I go to those cheaper restaurants just because she is always broke?"

"Hey, sorry to reschedule again, but something has come up...."

"Hey, change the channel, I've seen enough suffering for today."

There is a lot of suffering, suffering is part of the human condition so it seems, but I can't help but wonder what will happen if we become so self-focused that we no longer have time for empathy and compassion.

Perhaps some folks have a penchant for trouble, for mismanagement of money, for behaving thoughtlessly, for taking too many risks, for acting first and thinking after, but does that necessarily mean they are not deserving of compassion or concern?

All over the planet there are people dealing with major traumatic situations which are none of their own doing; they just happened to be born there; what does it say about us (fortunate enough to not be living in a war torn/drought stricken/chaotic environment) if we become indifferent to their plight just because we can't be bothered? (or have a toothache :)

"Hey, I am bothered, I just don't know what to do," we may say.

Then perhaps find out. Talk to others who care, search the net, like it is said: "If you seek, you will find".

Altruism (the principle or practise of concern for the welfare of others) is a pro-social behaviour which although it is other-oriented still makes us feel good about our selves. (win/win in my book!)

The more we practise understanding and "walking in someone else's shoes" the more capable we become of being compassionate, and the more compassionate we are, the less the likelihood of us being either complacent or indifferent to others.

 

“You or I might think that at least one would show courage and put up a fight. But neither you nor I have suffered as they, and even we have born witness in silence to lesser ills under less dire threat. Yet, in the face of evil, to sit silent is an even greater evil. Complacency is ever the enabler of darkest deeds.”   (Robert Fanney)