What's my destiny?

Is our destiny set in stone, and if it is, what about free will?

If everything we do has some prior determining cause, how can any of it be a matter of our own free choice?

If our current behaviour is fixed by the way things were long before we were born and by some eternal laws of nature, then the notion that we are freely in control of our own actions must be some kind of illusion?

This subject matter was suggested to me by my son who began a conversation by asking me: "What is the difference between fate and destiny?"

"Good question," I answered and realised I didn't have a clue.

So I began by looking up as many different definitions of the words as I could.

"Fate" is an outcome determined by an outside agency acting upon a person or entity; but with "destiny" the entity is participating in achieving an outcome that is directly related to itself; participation happens wilfully.

Say what? What does it mean?

So I looked up a lot more definitions, and the more I found, the more confusing the issue became.

Whether we call it destiny or fate, perhaps the most important factor is the decisions that we make at turning points/crossroads of our lives. Our life as it is right now, according to this point of view, is created as a result of the choices we have made. If such is the case, then the most important factor in shaping our destiny/fate, is our freedom of choice.

"Your destiny is shaped according to the combination of conditions predetermined at birth and other factors

that you are able to change through your own efforts." (Buddha)

Such as?

Karma, family, social climate, our own efforts and self-disciplines, and the influence of other people.

Karma?

Our "modern" view of karma, often devoid of any spiritual demands, removes an acceptance of reincarnation in Judeo-Christian societies and attempts to portray karma as a universal psychological phenomenon which behaves predictably much like other physical forces such as for instance gravity.

Karma for some of us perhaps can be summed up in: "you reap what you sow", and according to the Hindu Vedas: "if you sow goodness, you reap goodness, if you sow evil, you will reap evil."

For those of us who are opposed to religion and or idealism, perhaps we may feel more comfortable with the terms "cause" and "effect". Spinoza, a Dutch philosopher 1632-1677, insisted that people are mistaken in believing themselves to be "free" since they are only aware of their actions but not what causes determined them.

Hmmmm. So even when we think we are in charge of choosing our actions, we are not?

What about fate? Is someones fate the same as someones pre-determined path in life or a combination of the accidental, the spontaneous, the conscious choices made flavoured by heredity, temperament and character?

"Sow a deed and reap a habit, sow a habit and reap a character, sow a character and reap a fate," so folk wisdom says.

Carl Jung, the Austrian psychiatrist: "When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate."

All of this lead me to ask the question: "Is there such a thing as free will?" Is free will the same as "I have considered all the possibilities and plausible outcomes, and this is my conscious choice?"  If we exercise our free will, can we change our destiny?

Most of us have experienced "crossroads moments". (These are the moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. The choices we make in those moments may have a profound impact on the rest of our lives)

Perhaps we ask ourselves: "If I had chosen another "road" would my life have turned out differently?"

Or, "was it my destiny/fate to chose this one?"

How we chose, is dependent on our beliefs which then manifests in our actions. This then makes us responsible for those actions.

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.”  

(Thomas Merton)

“It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny. ”  (Jean Nidetch)

 

At this point, it seems to me that the choices we make when facing a "crossroads" play an important part in what happens next in our lives. Our lives so far are very much the result of the outcomes of the choices we have made.

Whether it is our destiny or fate to be where we are right now may be of lesser importance than to recognise that our choices lead us to this point, and making other choices will lead us somewhere else.

 

“I have noticed that even those who assert that everything is predestined and that we can change nothing about it still look both ways before they cross the street." (Stephen Hawking)

 

“Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.”   (Gandhi)

How can I be positive with so much negative stuff going on?

Images can powerful. Moving images perhaps even more so, and moving images accompanied by emotive music perhaps the most powerful.
In most parts of the world, we are informed of the "goings on" around us through some form of media.
Many of us have access to news 24/7 on our "I-Thingy", and the minute some disaster strikes, we will know about it.
Although a case can be made for the benefits of being up to date with current affairs, what is the balance of "good" versus "bad" news on offer through media and how does it affect us emotionally?
(Good= benevolent, positive, uplifting, encouraging.... and bad= the opposite)
Are we more interested in bad news than good?
Are we more willing to believe negative information about the natural and social environment than positive?
Some research seem to indicate that such is the case.
Let's try a statement; "there are just as many positive events taking place each day as negative."
Does that seem plausible to you?
How about; "there are more negative events taking place each day than positive."
More probable?
If our outlook is that the "bad stuff" outweighs the "good stuff", how does that affect us emotionally?
If there is the possibility to view the world through "rose-coloured glasses", is there also the possibility to view the world through "grey-coloured" ones?
(The term rose-coloured glasses appeared in 1861, when it is first recorded in 'Tom Brown at Oxford' by Thomas Hughes and basically means an optimistic outlook)
It does not take much effort to find information on negative and discouraging events taking place on this planet, rather, it is offered to us continuously in print, audibly, visibly, or through some interface.
"Yeah, but that's because that's how it is," some may say.
Is it?
There are many people who do good/positive things everyday un-noticed. Consider medical occupations, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, occupations involving any kind of nurturing, people tirelessly researching for new medications, people involved with inventing machines to aid and assist, people working in fire brigades, in the police force, et cetera.
How much coverage is given to "good" news, or are good news somehow less interesting than bad news?
Viktor Frankl writes that between an event and our response to the event, is a space in which we have the freedom to choose how to respond.
On occasion, black slugs find their way to my front outdoor sitting area. I know very little about these creatures but while watching one slowly nudging its way forward I noticed that every time its antennae(?) accidentally came in contact with something, it would pull it back in to its body. The interesting thing for me to watch was that after each encounter it seemed to take longer and longer for the slug to "trust" the environment to be safe enough to raise the antennae to its full potential again. "Is that how it is with us humans too?" I wondered.
After each "knock-back", do we take longer and longer to trust again, and if there are too many knock-backs, do we stop trusting all together?
Watching disaster after disaster, pain and suffering, one catastrophe after the other, how do we maintain any trust in the future, mankind or ourselves? Hmmmmmm....
If good news are not provided for us, perhaps we have to find them for ourselves?
Maybe there should be a law that says that any news, be it in print or otherwise, should contain a certain percentage of good news? How about at least 10% ?
Imagine opening the morning paper and reading: "Good News everyone! soandso saved soandso from a burning car!!!
or Good News everyone! a new medication for the previously incurable disease xxx has been discovered!!! or Good News everyone! 10 000 life saving blood transfusions were performed successfully today!!!
Imagine every news program finishing their broadcast with a good news item!
Something like:  And now for the good news,...... Today x amount of people had successful life saving surgery, x amount of healthy babies were born, x amount of fires were successfully extinguished, x amount of criminal acts prevented, et cetera.
Thing is, these things and many more amazing good events actually do take place every day, its just that we don't get to hear about it in the news.
If you find something positive, share it with others.
Do something positive, for yourself and or for someone else.
Focus some of your attention on positive and life affirming things/events/people/information.

Bad stuff happens, but so does good.

“Do not dilute the truth of your potential. We often convince ourselves that we cannot change, that we cannot overcome the circumstances of our lives. That is simply not true. You have been blessed with immeasurable power to make positive changes in your life. But you can't just wish it, you can't just hope it, you can't just want it... you have to LIVE it, BE it, DO it.” (Steve Maraboli)
 

Why do I feel like I am "leaking" energy?

 

When speaking with a friend recently, she said: "I feel like I am leaking, like I am losing my substance, my energy." 

Leaking? How does one leak?

A roof with broken tiles leak, a tyre with a nail in it leaks, a balloon with a whole in it leaks,....how does a human "leak" I wondered?

Crying? Screaming? Speaking out of term? When we leak, is it a subconscious or conscious occurrence?

Both?

From my friend's description, it seemed to be a subconscious affair.

"Can you describe what it feels like," I asked her.

"It's like there is a battle between my intentions and being able to actually act on them," she answered

This lead me to think of new years resolutions. How many of us have not had the intent to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, eat healthier, spend more time with loved ones, et cetera only to run out of the energy/motivation a few weeks later? Where did the energy/intent/motivation go? Do most of us have leaks?

Perhaps a fluctuating self-esteem is one of the leaks?

(Quick definition of self-esteem: how we value ourselves, our self-worth, from the Greek word meaning "reverence for the self)

Henry Ford said: "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right."

The support from others may strengthens us, but more importantly, it is our belief in ourselves that is at the core of a healthy self-esteem. If we have bouts of a weaning self-esteem then using affirmations can be a very helpful tool to stave off negative self-talk and increase our self-esteem.

Examples of (positive) affirmation: "I can, I will, I am...." Another tool is to use "absolutes" minimally. "I always blow it"... can be exchanged for "I blow it at times", "every time" can be exchanged for "sometimes", "all" can be exchanged for "a number of" and so on.

Perhaps the fear of loosing control over our thoughts and emotions is another leak?

Speaking our mind at times can have dire consequences, so we may choose to keep our opinions/thoughts

 to ourselves but this may create an inner conflict. To relieve the pressure of an inner conflict we may spring leaks.....subconsciously the dog, the cat, the kid, the waiter, etc. may become the brunt of that conflict.

Perhaps we are keeping feelings under wraps such as sadness, loneliness, despair, confusion, or anxiousness?

Daniel Wegner Ph.D. discovered through research something he named the "rebound effect of thought suppression."

Essentially; the more you try to push away a thought of a particular subject/topic, the more you will think about it. Many follow-up studies have been conducted that confirm Wegner’s finding, more so those studies

 have shown that the same effect happens when you try to push away emotional thoughts, or when you try to push away the actual feelings.

The effort of subduing our feelings requires a lot of energy and may leave us feeling as if we have sprung a leak; our source of energy depleted.

Perhaps dealing with an uncertain future is a leak?

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” (Albert Einstein)  Not knowing, can be one of the biggest hurdles for some of us to deal with.

Uncertainty, some suggest, is part of the human condition, but how we deal with it, is up to individual.

For some, uncertainty offers an adventure, a journey full of wonder and delights to be experienced.

For others, uncertainty is uncomfortable, scary, and imposes change.

Uncertainty is inevitable; we cannot know the future only speculate, and fighting the inevitable can be an exhausting battle.

 If our roof springs a leak, the first thing we have to do in order to fix it, is to find out where the leak is. Once we have figured that out, we can set about fixing it. Perhaps this also applies to human beings.

 

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
(Marie Curie)

 “Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.”  
(Tony Schwartz)

 

Will the real me please stand up? Dealing with the Shadow........

 

What came over me? What was I thinking? When I did that, where was the "real" me? I am a "good" person, I don't do stuff like that.

Have you ever had those thoughts?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the "good" you somehow deserted you and the "bad" you took over? (Whatever those terms mean to you)

Carl Jung, a Swiss psychotherapist says this:  "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individuals conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."

According to Jung, the Shadow represents everything about ourselves we don't like, but somehow are able to see in others.

There are many examples of people who have publicly rallied and fought passionately against issues only to be discovered at a later point to be engaged in the very behaviour/issue they are fighting against.

The pastor/minister preaching against the indulging of the flesh only to be discovered in a brothel,
 the man advocating against violence toward women finding himself being charged with domestic violence, 
or the mother telling her children to practise abstinence from alcohol and drugs although knowing that she has bottles of gin hidden in the cupboard,
or the spouse pontificating fidelity while carrying on an affair,
or the youth making fun of his/her classmate at school while secretly spending every weekend hanging out with him/her, and so on.........

Jung: "The Shadow personifies everything that the person refuses to acknowledge about him/herself".

(A famous example perhaps would be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.)

Perhaps one can define the Shadow as those aspects of ourselves that are repressed, denied, unconscious, and undeveloped. According to Jung we all have a Shadow and the only way to overcome and understand our Shadow, is to develop our self awareness, to bring our darker unconscious side into the light of our consciousness.

How does one do such?

We have to confront the Shadow.

One way of doing so may be to take responsibility for our actions.

It can be hard to accept in oneself a behaviour that one is generally against, and the temptation to shift blame in fear of the consequences, may prevail.  Example: "I am against stealing, but taking a few things from the stationary cupboard at work is not really stealing, I mean, I mainly use it for work after all." "Telling my teenage kids not to drink alcohol although I enjoy my wine is not at all hypocritical, I deserve to relax after a hard days work." "A slap is not the same as hitting, I mean, come on, the kid was getting on my last nerve." "Yeah, I know he/she is married, so what?...I didn't start the affair."

Or: Jealous? me? never. Envious? me? don't be silly. Sore loser? Too competitive? Stingy?

I wasn't my fault, he/she/they/ are to blame.

Difficulties, disasters, heartbreak, disappointments, and other painful experiences are part of the human condition. Some of those experiences may be due to bad luck, unforeseen circumstances, unprecedented events, et cetera. however, some of the difficulties and pain we experience, is a result of our own actions, decisions and interpretations.

Sidebar:    [ There is freedom and a great sense of empowerment in taking on the responsibility of ones own life. Becoming aware of the manipulations of the Shadow dissolves its power. I.e.; "If everything bad that happens in my life is always someone else's fault then what power do I have to change the outcomes?" ]

If you find yourself behaving or doing things incongruent with how you see yourself, if you hear yourself saying: "Yeah, but that's not really how I am," but when asked your friends say: "Yes, you are like that,"....it may be time for you to connect with your shadow. The thing with friends and loved ones is that they do not have the same "blind spots"(= parts of our psyche we are ignorant of) about us as we do, and vice verse. Just like we love those we love warts and all, (including their dark and light sides), so do they. (Love us)

If we truly would like to find out more about our Shadow, a good place to start is to ask a friend or a loved one: "In your opinion, what are my strengths and weaknesses?" and then when given an answer, resist any urge to lunge into justifications. If we accept for instance, the responsibility of being viewed as short-tempered, then we have the power to change it. Like Dr. Phil says: "We can not change what we do not acknowledge."

The more we know about ourselves the more choices we have to "be" and behave in ways which are congruent with who we perceive to be our true selves.

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows."

So says The Shadow in the opening lines to one of the most famous adventure heroes of the twentieth century.

 

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

 (Carl Jung)

Who am I? Is this who I want to be?

 

"Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? I am afraid to tell you who I am because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am,....and it's all that I have..." wrote John Powell in his book "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?"

Is there a difference between who we are and what we are?

If someone asks you: What are you? would you respond the same way as if you were asked: Who are you?

Hmmmmm.

According to many philosophers, most of us will ask ourselves who we are at some point in our lives, some suggest that the question is one of the big three: who am I, where did I come from, where am I going.

We can answer the question of who we are by stating our gender, nationality, height, hobbies, hair and eye colour, marital status, what we do for work, et cetera but commonly when we ask ourselves or others who they are, we mean something else, we are enquiring as to the inner core (feelings/passions/ethics/morals) of a person and or ourselves.

Big "stuff" (as opposed to "small" stuff) like unexpected death, losing a job, natural disaster, illnesses, etc. often bring "big" questions that challenge our thinking about ourselves and the world we live in.

Unexpected events often "rock our boat" and we may find ourselves questioning ourselves and our motives in new ways.

People who have been burglarised often express lingering feelings of unease and mistrust long after the event and so do most people who have been the victims of other/similar infringements on person and property.

After I had unwittingly found two chaps ransacking my car in the middle of the day, in a well lit, much frequented parking garage, I changed my parking habits. When my brother died at age 14, (I was 12) I decided there was no God. (Although I didn't believe there was such, just in case, I wanted my feelings to be known) Upon hearing the diagnosis that my son suffers with Bi-Polar disorder, the news didn't just rock my boat, my boat flipped.

"Boat-rocking" events often challenge our perceptions of who we believe ourselves to be.

Under such circumstances we may discover whether we actually are compassionate, patient, understanding, loyal, forgiving and so forth, or merely how we would like to be.

Let me ask you: Who are you?

Do you have a clear sense of who you are?

Perhaps your answer is like mine: sometimes, it depends.

According to philosophers and psychologists, who we are is better viewed as an ongoing process rather than a fixed phenomenon (thing).

There is something called "positive disintegration" which basically means to keep what works and disregard what does not. Those parts of our identity that serves us we keep and those that hinder us we discard and by doing so we continue to evolve our sense of self.

One of the problems of us asking ourselves who we are is that we are perhaps not really able to perceive the "truth" about ourselves. Our minds are calibrated to make sense of our reality, not perceive it as it is. (There's spot in our visual field where nerves connect to the retina which is called the "blind spot", we cannot see anything in that spot, but our brain fills in the missing bits and we experience those as "real".)

There is also something called "mere measurement effect" which basically implies: the very act of asking behavioural intention questions affects the outcome.

(Ex; If I am ask myself if I am a considerate person, this probably indicates that I am a considerate person)

Let's ask another question......who would you like to be?

How close to who you would like to be and who you think you are,....are you?

If you made a list of who you perceive yourself to be, would it coincide with who your loved ones think you are?

At times it may helpful to check in with those we love to balance our perception of ourselves with those held by others.

(What I consider being tidy at times is perceived by my son as being pedantic, what I may consider as supportive may be perceived as interfering, and so on.......)

When we are kids we are often asked the question: So what do you want to be when you grow up?

Often we answer: I want to be a fireman, a nurse, a doctor etc. seldom do we answer: I want to be kind, considerate, wise, giving and so forth. There is much emphasis on what we do; after all we have bills to pay; but perhaps in a climate of growing alienation, increasing poverty and homelessness, starvation and desperation, we may benefit from focusing some of our attention on what kind of human beings we want to be?

Regardless of who you think you are, what kind of a human being would you like to be?

Perhaps we can think of ourselves as "works in progress" rather than a limited set of traits,

and as such, who we are at any point in time depends on the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

Golda Meir writes this: "Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."

Stephen Fry offers this insight: "You are who you are when nobody's watching."

 

If per chance you would like a few pointers on how to figure out who you are, this may be helpful to you:

 * whatever is bothering/challenging/scaring/ you, write it down somewhere (read it a few days later and you will be amazed)

* when or if you do an inventory on yourself, remember the good as well as the bad...better still, try to avoid judging instead observe

* establish congruence between your thinking-feeling-behaving.....(if you think to yourself : no more junk food! then feel you deserve a treat and sink 2400 cal. in one swoop, you will feel guilty)

* ask someone you trust and respect for some honest feedback; "In your view, what do you consider to be my strengths/weaknesses?" Often others can help us become aware of aspects of ourselves from different perspectives which may assist us using positive disintegration

* try to embrace an attitude of gratitude     

 

"The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self."      

 (Excerpt from "Love after Love", by David Walcott)