Tough Love.......say what????

 

 

There is a term often used that tend to confuse me: "Tough Love".

Can love be tough? What on earth is tough love exactly?

According to Wikipedia:

In a book titled "Tough Love" written by Bill Milliken in the 1960's, Bill coined the phrase "tough love" and many have used it since. If I understand it correctly, "tough love" means to treat someone we care for in a harsh/stern manner in order to help them see the errors of their ways. We are to show a tough exterior to assist someone to find their own inner strength, to find their self-esteem and dignity.

Although I can see the logic to a certain extent, I do have questions: how will someone with a fragile

self-esteem build their self-esteem when the people closest to them withdraw?

If a person is involved in risky behaviour because of lack of attention, how will withdrawing all attention help?

How can we be sure that we are exercising "tough love" and not just giving up?

How can we be sure that we are not playing judge and jury all at once?

(There are statistics that support favourable outcomes for using "tough love" in connection with addictions, but at this point I am leaving the very complex issue of drug addiction out of the post.)

Dealing with troubled people are for many people; difficult. Depressed people can be difficult. Hyper-active people are often considered difficult. Really, really, smart people are difficult, etc.etc. Balanced/stable/what we deem "normal" people on the other hand, many of us find easy to get along with, which also goes for happy, contented, satisfied people.
 "Easy" people are easier to love? No tough love necessary?

According to British research, there is some evidence that suggest that "tough love" can be beneficial in the development of certain preferred character traits in children up to five years old, "tough love" used in the British sense as "authoritative parenting" visa vie the American version, "authoritarian parenting", which has been linked with negative outcomes in other research.

Whats the difference?, you may ask.

Authoritative parenting, is a child-centred approach teaching children how to regulate and understand their feelings, to help the children become independent, find their own appropriate solutions to problems, but the parents still place control/limits on the child's actions.

Authoritarian parenting/strict parenting, is a restrictive, punitive approach, expecting conformity and compliance to rules and directions, commonly without explanations for the boundaries, although adherence by the child to the boundaries, often is meet with respect and approval. 

When I was studying to become a crisis counsellor, one of the issues many of us had difficulties with grasping /accepting was to not give/offer advise. Rather than advising people what to do, we were taught to help the client find their own solutions.

To just listen without injections other than "uhu", "I see", "so what I am hearing you say is...." was problematic for a number of us. Listening to someone expressing their pain, confusion, anger, etc. and not be able to tell them how to "fix" it or at least offer a few suggestions, caused many heated discussions, and in my case (thankfully!), also light bulb moments.

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime", says an old Chinese proverb.

Although we may care deeply, helping someone to find their own answers/solutions, assists them in becoming independent, and trusting in themselves as problem solvers.

My understanding so far of "tough love" is that we apply it when we have run out of advise, patience and solutions, and feel the only option left for us is to remove ourselves/input/support/ and leave the other to go it alone.

"He/she is just wanting attention".....maybe, but why?

"He/she is just not trying hard enough".......how much is hard enough, and who decides?

"He/she is just seeking sympathy".........don't we all need sympathy at times, and is there a cut-off  of how much sympathy each individual needs?

"I have heard his/her story too many times"........if you heard it, why does he/she keep repeating it?

Manning the phones at the crisis centre, eventually I learned to recognise some of the callers voices.

They were the "frequent callers",  they usually called late at night, often somewhat inebriated and hard to understand, presented the same issues, expressed the same level of pain, confusion (according to themselves), bewilderment and sense of helplessness.  Driving home in the early hours of the morning after a night shift, ears red-hot from having a phone almost glued to them for eight hours on end, throat dry, and the mind teetering on total shut-down, one solitary question persistently kept buzzing in my mind like a tsetse fly; "Why are they so stuck in the same problem, why can't they find a solution?"

How does one help someone who doesn't seem to want to help themselves? Some suggestions:

Listen. Listen properly. Listen attentively. Make it clear that you are hearing what they are saying by reflecting; "So what I heard you say is.......is that correct?"

Resist the temptation of pep-talk, platitudes such as: "Well, life's tough", or throw-away lines such as: "Maybe you just haven't tried hard enough". There may be times when offering some compassionate silence speaks volumes, and inserting an occasional  "I don't know", enough "advise" for the suffering person to feel validated, and attended to.

Is there a "statue of limitations" on how much love we give so that when we have reached the limit, we then evoke "tough love"?
Is love not unconditional, long suffering, enduring, hoping all things? Is love not patient, kind, without envy, it does not boast, it is not proud?
When did love become "tough"?
When we say "it's time for tough love", do we not perhaps mean: "I have reached my limit."
There may be times in our lives when we feel we have reached our limit of patience, kindness, hope, and feel we must withdraw our association from someone dear to us, but should that be called "tough love"? Is the action of withdrawing not our own choice and for our own benefit, rather than our love for the other? Why not call it for what it is? It's our love for ourselves, our self preservation, our own well being that urge us to withdraw, so is there any shame in saying so?
"I love you dearly, but at this stage I have to respectfully distance myself from you because I feel I have nothing further to contribute to our relationship."
To chose to walk away from a difficult relationship may be tough, especially if love is a big part of it, but to call it "tough love" sounds to me as: "You're wrong/impossible/difficult/etc.etc, and as a punishment I will now withdraw my love for you", and that, in my estimation is the very antithesis of love.
To love, can be tough, but for a moment, .......consider the alternative.
“Tis better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.” (Alfred Tennyson)

"If you judge someone, you have no time to love them."
(Mother Teresa)
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
(Robert A Heinlein)