Love is not something we fall in or out of....it's a choice.

Event though I have the fan on full speed and blowing straight

into my face, I'm still boiling hot.

I've disregarded sheets, blankets and any type of clothing,

and yet, I'm still sweating up a storm oozing with perspiration

from every pore on my body.

In desperation I grab a pair of socks, fill them with water,

squeeze them a little and then put them on.

I lay down on the bed feet directly in front of the fan.

Ahh, finally, I feel a little cooler and manage to fall

asleep.

Although I have celebrated a LOT of Christmases here

in Australia, I'm not sure that I will ever get used to

celebrating it at temperatures that melts candles, cheese

and butter into puddles even with the air-con on.

One thing with traditions in my view is that we like to keep

 many of them even when we venture off to take up residency

in new and traditionally/culturally different countries. 

In my family's case that has meant that we have kept up

with most of our Swedish culinary traditions as much

 as possible.

So in our case: boiled potatoes served with herring and sour cream,

 baked ham, warm sauerkraut, warm meatballs, a number

of different kinds of cheeses, fried little sausages, a

number of different kinds of salads, and much more.

Not really suited to a country in which the temperatures

at Christmas time usually soars way above 30 degrees Celsius.

Alas, this year we are doing Christmas the Aussie way.

We are having a BBQ.

As I am not doing any of the food this year I'm not

sure exactly what is going to be BBQed but I'm 

hoping that included on the menu is also a Pavlova.

Pavlova is a meringue-based desert with a crisp outer shell

and a melt-in-your-mouth soft fluffy center topped with

a LOT of whipped cream and masses of fresh fruit.

Absolutely scrumptious and well suited for a ''hot''

country such as Australia methinks.

Looking at the bottom of my screen I can see

that right now (1:12pm) it's 31 degrees cel. outside.

(Thank goodness that my old air-conditioner is still

holding on!)

Good grief! It's going to be another restless night.

Better get me wet socks ready.

This close to the end of the year, I would like

to jot down some thoughts.

Love is a choice.

It's not something we fall in to or out of.

Happiness is a choice.

It's not something we can buy or be traded out of.

Forgiveness is a choice.

It's not something others must do, it's something we need to do.

Caring is a choice.

It's not something we expect of others to do, it's something we

 need to freely give.

Compassion is a choice.

It's not something to be viewed as weakness, 

it's something to be viewed as strength.

Benevolence is a choice.

It's not something that belongs only to Christmas,

it's something to be practiced daily.

💗

For you who are reading this right now:

I wish you peace, love and much joy.

(Citizen Z)

about the image: Winter landscape, acrylic on canvas

                                                                                       

Pushing back the Darkness.........

There are days and then there are DAYS.

Days when the flickering light from

a small candle is powerful enough to

 push back the deepest of darknesses.

Days when no matter how strong and 

powerful the light, insidiously

 the darkness tries to consume it.

Thinking about how we use the terms

light and darkness metaphorically as in:

 light = good/positive/lifegiving and

 darkness = bad/negative/injurious,

I suddenly had a new thought.

What if light and darkness could be interpreted

not as oppositional terms but as complementary?

Can there be light without darkness?

Do we need to know darkness to know light?

(The Shadow ID)

''The sole purpose of human existence is

to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness

of mere being. We cannot change anything

unless we accept it. How can we be substantial

unless we cast a shadow?

We must have a dark side also if we are to be whole.''

(Carl Jung)

Although it varies from person to person how

we may experience ''the darkness'', or our

''shadow selves'', in my view, often

emotions such as a sense of chaos, meaninglessness,

helplessness, confusion and a profound sense of

sadness somehow tend to accompany the darkness

and our shadow selves.

At times we may even experience ''the darkness''

as a collapse of all that makes life meaningful to us

and this, speaking from personal experience,

can be really scary.

But......

it also opens up the possibility for a transformation,

for a new way of seeing, interpreting and understanding

who we are and what makes life meaningful for us.

Change does not come easy for us humans,

and in my opinion, usually it tends to involve pain,

however........

pain, is often a very good teacher.

Have you ever done something in the heat of

 the moment only to really regret it later?

Perhaps even asking yourself why you did something

so out of character?

-I'm not that sort of person! you may tell yourself.

The regret you feel suddenly makes you question 

whether you may actually be that sort of person.

Looking at yourself in the mirror suddenly

the Shadow looks back at you and dark thoughts

slowly creeps into your mind and throws light

on something you've kept hidden.

It hurts, you don't like the pain, but you can't

unknow what you now know, so you have 

to make a decision.

Avoid all mirrors in the future or throw

some light on the Shadow and deal with it.

Light is a great disinfectant.

Exposing wounds to light helps them to heal.

When the ''darkness'' makes its presence known

to us, perhaps it's trying to tell us that it

is time for us to throw some ''light''

on the state of our souls, hearts and minds.

about the images: ''The power of Light''

:ink, graphite on water colour paper

Bellow: The Shadow, acrylic on large canvas

I get knocked down but I get up again.....how to be resilient

Resilience.

Resilience is the ability to recover from traumatic/difficult

life experiences and setbacks and find a way to adapt, to ''move

forward''.

 (Moving forward, as in withstanding the storms

and turmoil that life sometimes sends our way in a

 positive and life-affirming way. In psychology this is

called post-traumatic growth.)

Why do some people seem to be able to ''get back up''

no matter how many times they get knocked down,

and some others don't?

In other words, is resilience something some of us

are born with or is it something we acquire through

our ability to deal with life's many twists and turns?

As far as I can ascertain, genetics and upbringing

play a part in how resilient we are, but resilience

can be developed and improved on regardless.

Resilience, says those in the know, is an innate human

capacity that can be learned and developed by/in anyone.

Question is, if we all have the capacity to be resilient,

why do some of us seem to be ''better'' at it

than others?

Dr. Southwick, professor emeritus of psychiatry and

co-author of the book ''Resilience: The science of

mastering life's greatest challenges.'' has this to

say: ''Resilient people learn to carefully accept

what they can't change about a situation and

then ask themselves what they can actually change.''

Resilience, unlike for instance our height(/how tall we are), 

is something we can actually change, improve on, 

get better at, ...grow.

How? you may ask.

I have noticed that people who have the habit 

of ''getting up again'' when they get knocked down 

seem to share a number of traits.

When something difficult/bad happens they:

They appraise the situation carefully,

they decide what they can and can't change,

they adapt,

they keep a flexible outlook,

they maintain a sense of perspective,

they focus on problem solving,

they are aware of their own emotions,

they find something of value in the experience

to mention a few attributes.

''Persistence and resilience only come from

having been given the chance to work through

difficult problems.''

(Grever Tully)

about the image: ink on watercolor paper

''The tree that bends in the wind remains unbroken.''

 

How long is a piece of string?

It's been said by some that time is a mere human

 construct,

a term that humans use to define a ''continued sequence 

of existence and events that occurs in an apparently 

irreversible succession from the past, through the present 

and into the future''.

The most ''direct knowledge we have of time

 is subjective'', and as such, time moves only in one direction:

onward/forward.

How we experience time however, well that's

a totally different thing.

For example:

Sitting in a dentist chair having a root canal done

we may experience time as passing very slowly.

Having a good time with friends we may experience

time as flying by.

Being engrossed in an activity we really enjoy(flow)

we may experience time as non-existent.

In short, ''clock-time'' is measurable whereas time

as we experience/perceive with our minds, is not.

With our minds we can ''travel'' back in time,

imagine all sorts of events taking place in the future,

and or be firmly present in the present.

According to clock-time however, regardless of how

we may experience time, it moves only in one direction:

forward.

-How long is a piece of string? asked the child.

-Very, very long child, longer than you can

imagine, answered the grand-father.

-How long is a piece of string? asked the teenager.

-Very long, son, so long one cannot see the end of it,

answered the grand-father.

-How long is a piece of string? asked the man.

-Reasonably long, son, answered the grand-father.

-How long is a piece of string? the man asked himself

as they lowered his grand-father into the ground.

Sitting in his grand-father's chair later in the evening

the man noticed a sealed envelope with his name

written on it on the side table next to the chair.

Carefully he opened the envelope.

Inside of it was a piece of string and hand 

written note.

''Dear Lukas,

how long is a piece of string?

Life is like a piece of string.

At the beginning of life the string seems

endless but as life and time passes, 

it becomes a little shorter each day.

I'm telling you this so that you will

value and treasure each moment of your

life so that when you know how long

your piece of string is, it will not

fill you with fear but with gratitude.

Know that I have loved all the times

we have spent together,

grampa

''Aging is not an option, nay, it is a privilege.

Therefore we need to treasure each moment

of time allotted unto us.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas

Imagination will take you everywhere..............................

Imagination.

The ability to form mental pictures of something not present,

something yet not known or experienced.

There was a knock on the door. I put down my paint brush

and opened the door.

Standing on the easel was a painting I was working on.

David, a fellow artist entered the room and walked

up to the painting.

-Is this what you are working on at the moment? he asked.

-Yeah, it's number four in a series of paintings I'm working

on, I answered.

-Where do you get your ideas from???? he exclaimed.

-To be honest David, I don't really know. Imagination

I guess?

-But how do you tap into that imagination?

I have never really seriously pondered where the ideas for

most of my artworks come from, so David's question forced

me to do some pondering.

What is imagination and where does it ''live''?

Some say that imagination is considered to be 

''a creative faculty of the mind'', a ''process of the mind''

used for thinking, creating, fantasizing, remembering,

etc. so it ''lives'' in the brain.

Hmm, be this as it may, it does not answer how to

tap into it.

Some suggest that when we tap into our imagination

we access a sort of ''library'' consisting of a collection

of experiences, memories, stories, ''movies'' and a bunch

of other new ''stuff'', and then mix them all together in an

infinite number of different combinations.

Hmm, but why do some people seem to be more

imaginative than others?

How can some people just ''tap into'' their imagination

and others find it rather difficult?

Having been asked too many times to count where my

imagination comes from and so far not having been able to

find (in my view) a reasonable/acceptable answer, I am

going to go out on a limb and offer a few of my own suggestions.

First: Asking the question ''But what if...xyz.........?''

(= as in having an open mind)

Second: A willingness to ''fail'' (= as in not the desired outcome)

with a mindset of trying different options until attaining

the desired outcome.

Third: Entertaining ''gut'' instincts, wild notions, crazy ideas

 and ''over the top'' possibilities.

Basically, perhaps the overarching ingredient in having a ''rich/vivid''

imagination is a willingness to step out of one's usual mental/mind

comfort zone and into the uncomfortable zone.

However, I have found that sometimes we may use our

 imagination not so much in a life-affirming and ''creative'' way,

but rather in the opposite, a more harmful and anxiousness

 ridden way.

Imagination: The ability to form mental pictures of

 something not present, something yet not known or experienced.

It is possible to sort our ''library'' consisting of a collection

of experiences, memories, stories, ''movies'' and a bunch

of other new ''stuff'', and then mix them all together in an

infinite number of different and potentially 

dangerous/scary/anxiety inducing combinations?

Those in the ''know'' suggest that for those of us who suffer

 with anxiety related issues often use our ''negative''

 imagination as a sort of defence mechanism, as a way

to protect ourselves if things don't work out.

''If I anticipate the worst then I won't be blindsided

when or if it happens''.

Using our imagination to ruminate on possible 

worst case scenarios may feel as if we are protecting 

ourselves from disappointments,

bad outcomes, hurt feelings and as if we are in control,

but according to people in the ''know'' what it does is

keep us stuck in an unhealthy thinking pattern. 

But we can unstick ourselves: We can change.

Change begins with us thinking differently.

''If we always do what we've always done we'll

always get what we've always got.''

(Henry Ford)

''Life only happens in the now, so whether we use our

 imagination to imagine a bright and hopeful future

or one full of darkness and uncertainty,

This remains true;

the future will never reside in the present.'' 

(Citizen Z)

about the image: A) ''A young girl imagines''

Photo edited in Elements

B) ''What will be the toys for the children in the future?''

 Acrylic and eye pencils and white charcoal on large canvas

 

War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.........

 There's a phrase that as time passes has come to bewilder me.

The phrase is ''lived experience''.

Especially when it's used in sentences as: How could you

possibly know if that's not part of your lived experience?

I get that the phrase for many of us probably

means that without a first-hand involvement or a direct

 experience of something/an event/situation, it can be

difficult for us to really know another person's experience.

(Perhaps we may be able to understand, but not really know?)

The bewildering part of that phrase for me is that even

a lived experience is still ''knowledge'' based on a person's

perspective, interpretation, personal identity and history.

Alas, may it not be subjected to different kinds of bias

and so subjective rather than objective knowledge?

This leads me to ponder if it may not be possible that

perhaps some people with a ''lively imagination''

may be able to utilize their imagination and ''know''

something with the use of an ''imagined experience''? 

Although, I suppose, even an imagined experience would

probably be subjected to bias.

Hmm. Tricky.

(I have no lived experience of war, but in my family

there are, and there were (now passed away) people who do and did.

If my grand-parents had not left Germany when they did,

I probably would not have been born and thus able to write this.)

Why do nations go to war?

Some say that nations go to war if the advantages are

deemed to outweigh the disadvantages and a mutually

agreeable solution cannot be found.

Which makes me wonder: Says who? Those who are

actually going to fight it, putting their lives at risk or those

 who strategize behind secure and safe confines?

''The most shocking fact about war is that its victims

and its instrument are individual human beings,

and that these individual beings are condemned by

the monstrous conventions of politics to murder

or be murdered in quarrels not their own.''

(Aldous Huxley)

War always brings destruction. Destruction of homes

and habitats. Destruction of infrastructures. Destruction

of historical/cultural/ancestral and religious assets.

Destruction of resources and livelihoods.

Destruction of relationships and 

communities, and much much more.

But perhaps worst and most destructive of all,

…even when over, 

for those with a lived experience of war,

whether as part of any of the armed forces or as civilians,

… it may never cease to be destructive

in one way or another.

  In all honesty, as far as I can ascertain, 

nothing good comes with war,

because regardless of outcome, 

… a lot of innocent people die.

Although I have no lived experience of war,

my imagined experience tells me that

no matter ''who'' wins or loses a war -

- the aftermath of war brings sorrow and heartache 

to all who experienced it.

''War does not determine who is right - only who is left.''

(Bertrand Russell)

''War does not decide the justice of any question.

It only determines which party is the most

ferocious and savage.''

 (George Nicholson)

about the image: Ink on paper, edited in Elements

I think I better dance now...........

As she walks up her driveway carrying bags of food

a gentle breeze ruffles her hair.

The air is crisp and she can smell autumn arriving.

She loves everything about autumn. 

The trees changing colours, the cooling breezes,

the warming glow that the sun radiates as it sets

earlier and earlier in the afternoons.

As she opens the door to her apartment she

is greeted by her cat Lucy.

With Lucy in tow she carries her bags of food

into the kitchen.

Just a minute Lucy, food is coming she says to her

cat who is already sitting neatly next to her bowl.

With Lucy feed she grabs a glass from the cupboard

and pours some white wine into it.

She takes a sip, empties a small bag of peanuts into

a bowl then walks over to the TV and turns it on.

Lucy, having finished her food jumps up on the 

couch next to her and curls into a small ball.

I probably should eat something substantial, she says 

to herself but she's not really hungry.

Surfing through the channels on the TV she

can't settle on anything. It's all too depressing

and after the day she's had today she really doesn't want

to hear any more bad news.

What's wrong with people Lucy?

Why is everyone so mean and nasty these days?

Is it really so hard to be kind and considerate?

And, and, since when is being polite a bad thing, tell

me that Lucy.

I mean, just because I'm not married and have kids

doesn't mean I matter less in the big scheme of things

does it?

I did have a plan for my life and it just didn't include

a family. Don't know why it's so hard for some

people to get that not all of us seek coupling

or to create families.

My goal was to not get married, my goal was to

fulfill my dream that I had nurtured since I was

barely five years old.

How was I to know that destiny was going to step in

and crush my dream? Suddenly she has a flashback

of the accident and she can feel her body tensing,

her heart beating furiously and tears threatening

to overcome her.

Oh, Lucy, will the pain ever go away?

As if Lucy understands her, she suddenly jumps up

and settles in her lap.

She lifts Lucy and hugs her.

I don't know why people make fun of cat lovers

Lucy, you're the best.

She gives Lucy an extra squeeze.

Lucy decides that it's time for a bit more food

and promptly jumps down off the couch and heads

 for the kitchen.

Lucy, it's time for some music.

She turns off the TV and puts a vinyl on her

record player.

She closes her eyes and lets the music wash over her.

Swaying back and forth in time with the beat

she can feel her body wanting to move.

Carefully she starts to move her legs.

It hurts. She ignores it. 

She has stepped into her time machine and 

travelled back in time to a time before the accident.

A time when both her legs worked very well indeed.

Her little apartment has become the starlit dance floor

of the Jitterbug Club.

As Benny Goodman's Sing, Sing, Sing re-energizes

and makes her feel weightless, young, and whole again,

she dances away all her pain.

''Dance is a song of the body.

Either of joy or pain.''

(Martha Graham)

about the image: charcoal and ink on brown wrapping paper

Dealing with difficult people...............

What is a difficult person?

What makes a person ''difficult''?

Is a difficult person someone who purposely sets out to be

contrary, unhelpful, and obstructive?

Someone who is bad at relating and communicating

with others?

Someone who talks but never listens, tells others

what to do but never accepts advice?

Someone who is quick to blame and criticize others but

slow to accept responsibility for their own behaviour?

Someone who is really hard to get along with?

Hmm, I wonder if not most of us at one time or another

perhaps fall into one or two of the above definitions.

Perhaps the potential for being a ''difficult person''

can be found in most humans?

To quote the Joker from Batman: ''All it takes is

one bad day to drive the sanest man(person) to lunacy.''

As the check-out girl scanned my items through I noticed

that she looked really worn out. Perhaps even sad.

Tentatively I asked her if she was okay.

-No, not really, I'm having one of those days, she answered.

I knew what she meant. 

 My kneejerk instinct was to say something comforting, something

''uplifting''. But I didn't. Instead I looked into her eyes, 

smiled and said ''I hear that''. 

She smiled back. For a split second we had an 

honest, human to human connection.

Communication, as far as I can ascertain, is a

fundamental basis for human interaction.

We do so verbally, as in intonation, pitch, volume,

 and choice of words. (Spoken or written)

Non verbally as in body language.

Those in the know suggest that although it can be

tricky to reason with difficult people there are

things we can do to better deal with difficult people.

We need to really listen because we all want to

feel heard. For progress to take place the other

person needs to feel acknowledged.

We need to stay calm.

We need to choose the words we use carefully.

A word can mean one thing to us and a totally

different thing to someone else.

We need to stay away from judging.

We don't know what the other person may be

going through. He/she may be experiencing

something really difficult.

We need to stay away from arguing or talking

on top of the other.

We need to stay true to our limits and boundaries.

 

I tried to find out if being a ''difficult'' person perhaps

is a conscious choice made at some point in time,

 but no matter how I swapped the words

around, I could not find a definitive answer. 

I mean, there was a time when the word ''difficult'' was used

for what we today call ''mental health issues''.

For example, he/she is a difficult child > may today be: he/she

is on the autism spectrum/ADHD/Aspergic AD/Oppositional

Defiant Disorder ODD/Conduct Disorder CD, etc. etc.

Not too mention how many different Mental Health Issues

that perhaps could be included under the heading of difficult adults.

Though I haven't found a definitive answer to if

people choose to be difficult, I have found that

it's seldom a good idea to try to change a person 

we consider to be difficult.

A far better and helpful method is to try and understand

where he/she is coming from and a good first step

is to listen.

''The beginning of a deeper understanding usually

begins with listening.''

(Citizen Z)

A radical idea.......

At the moment I am reading a book titled ''Humankind: A

hopeful history'' by Rutger Bergman.

''So what is this radical idea? That most people, deep

down, are pretty decent.'' He writes.

Hmm. Really?

He also writes: ''It's when crisis hits - when the bombs

fall or the floodwaters rise - that we humans become our

best selves.''

Is this author for real? By now I am starting to wonder if

I really want to continue reading the book.

I mean, is there not enough evidence for the absolute opposite?

Is it not when we are put under tremendous pressure

that we start barricading ourselves in and view everyone

that is not one of ''us'' as highly suspicious and

potentially serious enemies?

According to the author Rutger Bergman, this is not really

so, but we are trained to see selfishness everywhere,

and so we do. He suggests that we are highly influenced by

''information bias''. News, for instance, seldom has leading 

headlines beginning with: ''Good News everybody!"

Why not? Probably because the news is about the exceptional:

 disasters, uprisings, terrorist attacks, murders, wars, famines,

and all that other ''exceptional'' stuff.

In my experience, the more time I spend wading through

different news outlets/sites the more down heartened I

seem to become.

 Slowly and stealthily compassion fatigue sets in and before

long what little hope and ''can-do-attitude'' I may have

possessed gives in to cynicism and ''what's the point anyways?''

Seems to me that the News is like scratching a scab; it's

itchy so I scratch it, but when I do, the wound opens up

again and the pain comes back.

However, some time ago I found a story that I use to remind

myself that ''deep down, most people are pretty decent.''

During the Blitz in London during the second World War,

St. Paul's Cathedral somehow managed to survive.

One of the caretakers of the Cathedral remembers how

he and other caretakers used to do all they could to protect

it. 

Risking their own lives they would extinguish fires,

build supports, sandbag where ever sandbagging was needed,

tape up/cover with boards and planks precious

 stained glass windows, store away irreplaceable antiquities,

artefacts, books, hymnals, etc. etc.

Night after night, day after day, working side by side

men and women, youth and children cared for their

city under siege. Seeking refuge in bomb shelters,

in subway tunnels, they shared whatever little food, tea,

 coffee, blankets, clothing, rations, etc. etc. they had with each other.

''Keep calm and carry on'', we fight our enemy together 

their motto.

The tremendous threat upon the survival of the British people 

during the WW II has left a legacy of numerous

true stories of people behaving very decently toward

each other. 

Two aliens watch Earth from their planet.

''Look at those Earthlings how they keep fighting

and destroying each other,'' says one Alien to another.

''Yes, I know. But the minute they think that we are

about to attack them they somehow manage to

join together as One. What's up with that?'' responds the other

Alien.

''I don't know. Why don't they just stop their fighting since

they obviously know how to?''

So, why don't we?

''Human nature is complex.

Even if we do have inclinations toward violence,

we also have inclinations toward empathy,

to cooperation, to self control.''

(Steven Pinker)

Perhaps it is time for us join Rutger Bergman and

adopt his radical idea that ''deep down people

are pretty decent.''

''Comprehensive research on human behaviour

suggests that we're instinctively cooperative

and willing to act out the good of our

social groups,'' reports The Scientific American.

Or: ''We initially feel compelled in a situation to

put others before ourselves.''

Although it may be true that human nature

has a number of flaws, (and just how many there are

will be evident if you google quotes on it)

I have to note that reading Rutger Bergman's book

 ''Human kind, a hopeful history'' in which he suggests

that we toss out the ''cynic'' in exchange for a more

brave and positive stance of viewing people 

in general as pretty decent......... makes me feel a 

whole lot better and far more hopeful for the future.

about the images: Top>Boy with the Golden Heart

Edited version of original acrylic on canvas 

Middle> St. Paul's Cathedral, acrylic

on large canvas from a photo take during the Blitz

Bottom> Teddy talks.....watercolor/ink on paper

Dealing with loss...........

People talk about closure and in theory, I guess

it sounds okay.

Question remains however, how does one do it?

Get closure, I mean.

The above image is an edited image of someone

who was my closest friend for many years.

His name was Anders, but to me,

he was the man with the golden locks,

the ruby lips, and the bestest jazz guitarist.

While I was in the USA doing the gig of my life,

(music)my best friend drove his car off the road

and up a huge tree and died instantly.

He had just turn 40 years old and for 20 of

those years he had been my best friend.

I, however, did not know about his death until the day

I returned back to Australia from the USA.

When I came back, not only had he already been buried

 but he had been buried in Sweden, not Australia.

Where was I to go and say ''goodbye''?

I was at a loss as what to do with my sorrow.

So I pushed it as far down into the recesses of

my soul as I could and threw myself into music.

Now, in hindsight I have come to understand that I

actually never really dealt with the loss of my friend.

What I did do, was trying to comfort his wife and children, his

friends, and our fellow musicians who had started to call me

the minute I returned to Australia.

Subconsciously perhaps I was ''dealing'' with my own pain

by trying to help others deal with theirs?

I don't know. Perhaps.

We were all missing our friend.

Years later I had the opportunity to visit the place where

he was buried in Stockholm, so I took the opportunity to do so.

Standing in a cemetery and reading his name on a gravestone

was so strange. It just didn't seem real. He was still so very real

and alive in me.

Walking the streets of Stockholm the day after my visit to 

the cemetery I found myself standing at the door of the Jazz

club where we both used to work.

Suddenly memories from our time working in the bar together

 hit me like a wall of water and I felt as if I was

about to drown.

I needed to scream. 

Putting my cupped hands over my mouth,

I finally allowed some of my anger, my sadness,

and my heartache to be released through a

guttural roar.

Returning to Australia after my visit to Sweden,

I discovered that the sadness of losing Anders often 

tended to show up as anger.

I didn't like feeling angry so in desperation

one day I grabbed a carton of eggs from the fridge,

walked out the backdoor of the house and up to the 

nearest large tree.

While yelling at the top of my lungs I launched

one egg at the time.

-I hate that you're dead! I hate that I can't see you anymore!

I hate that you drove off the road! I'm angry with you!!! etc. etc.

Strangely, although it took over a dozen eggs and a

number of times repeating the procedure,

every time I did it, it made me feel better.

Since Anders died, I have lost far too many more

artist/musician friends.

Which brings me back to closure.

-You need closure so that you can move on, is

a very common thing that we say to each other.

Another one is: just let it go.

Personally I've never found neither one of those sayings

particularly helpful, so if you don't mind, I would

like to offer you my version.

I view my friends that have passed on as just

physically unavailable because they are still very

available to me in my memories.

Anytime I want to spend some time with them, I close 

me eyes and bring forth a memory of a time that

I spent with them.

(And in some cases, I just listen to one of the recordings

I'm lucky enough to have made with some of them.)

The essence, the core of us, in my view is not limited 

to or by physics. 

Lucky for us we come equipped with the ability

to revisit experiences and people in our minds

whenever we choose to do so.

Perhaps closure is not so much ''moving on''

or ''letting go'', rather, more so perhaps about

taking our memories of people no

longer with us and ''weaving'' them into

the narrative of our lives.

about the image: a photo edited in Elements